The Willendorf Polka
O, you can't have her, I will keep her
She's not too fat, not too fat,
Not too fat to be my Venus,
Not too fat for me.
My love is prehistoric,
And so caloric, not to mention ad valoric—
An order older than the Doric
and so much more heroic…
O, you can't have her, I will keep her
She's not too fat, not too fat,
Not too fat to be my Venus,
Not too fat for me.
Feed her up, feed her up,
I feed her stacks of pancakes,
give her cupcakes and 'nilla milkshakes,
give her all it takes, with extra syrup…
O, you can't have her, I will keep her
She's not too fat, not too fat,
Not too fat to be my Venus,
Not too fat for me.
Can she zip up her pants?
No, no, no, no, no, not with all those ants.
Can she climb the stairs?
No, no, no, no, no, only at state fairs.
O, you can't have her, I will keep her
She's not too fat, not too fat,
Not too fat to be my Venus,
Not too fat for me.
She's so plush, she's so lush
I still have a tragic crush
She's the butter in my cornmeal mush,
Only she can tell me shush…
O, you can't have her, I will keep her
She's not too fat, not too fat,
Not too fat to be my Venus,
Not too fat for me.
Note: Mrs. Dr. Omed LOLed when she read this, so it's good enuf for you lot.
Most of the images you see of the Venus of Willendorf make the figure look massive, almost threatening with psychic weight. The real thing is something you can hold in your hand, a bit under five inches in height. Since she has, literally, no feet to stand on, perhaps she was meant to be held in the hand. She is very old, as human representative artifacts go, maybe 24,000 years old, found in 1908 in Austria. She was carved of oolitic limestone not native to the place where she was found, and tinted with red ochre. Some have suggested that she was carved from the perspective of a woman looking down at her own body.
