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from the Dead Letter Office, Dept. of Fictional Characters
Early Septober
Dear Hamlet,
Horatio tells me that you’ve been behaving in a most extraordinary manner of late, in a way most eratic and febrile. He hints that others less well disposed toward you at court consider you deranged. He also says you’re driving Ophelia crazy. I really must take you to task. I realize Horatio is not always so quick on the uptake, but not many can follow when you are in full flight of fancy. Horatio is a good fellow, and loyal to your interests—it doesn’t do to confuse him. Honestly, Sherlock Holmes treats Watson better, and he has the excuse of the needle for his extremities.
I see no need, at this time when the succession is in doubt, for you to indulge yourself in the undenialable pleasure of shocking the rubes. On that count, I know Ophie is a hopeless twit, but that’s no reason to torment her. And her father, let me remind you, may be a doddering apparatchik, but you’ll find yourself stumbling over the wizened rat in every dark corner. Patriarch Polonius may not be Moses or even an Aaron, but he can certainly prove to be a plague upon you. Pharaoh at your peril. As for Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, or is it Guildencrantz and Rosenstern, the least sally of any subtlety will hang them up.
It seems to me that you are entangled in a Gordian knot of your own devising. You are so involved with weighing the baby on Solomon’s scales, you forget the bathwater. You love rabbinical reasoning so much, perhaps you should convert, retire to the ghetto, and devote yourself to Torah, Talmud, and Kaballah. Remember Alexander’s example, and cut it out.
Well, you’ve had enough admonition from me in one letter. Here on my island, Ariel is recovering nicely from the accident with the phlogiston, strengthening his regrown gossamer in short flights, Caliban is his usual vulgar uncouth self, and Miranda is sweet as ever, shooting up like a weed.
I will close, as I’ve got something vile boiling in the alembic, but will write again soon.
Your humble sorcerer,
Prospero
aka Prester John |
