This Is Not a Monkey
Last night I heard a species-dysphoric novelty singer on the radio who believed that he wanted to be a monkey. I say “believed” because his lyrics revealed that he actually wanted to be a chimpanzee. He thought that if he was a monkey he could be in show business and perform humorous skits. Fat chance. Chimps, like the one above, get most of the good comedy roles. (Gorillas get some comic parts too, but they are big and scary enough that they are more suited for abusing luggage.) The gentleman also believed that monkeys were Michael Jackson’s “second biggest weakness”, but that’s only true if Jacko is in the mood for swinging (pun intended). Bubbles is a chimp.
This guy is far from alone in his confusion. Your average working primate, like Bubbles, is in great danger of being called a “monkey”, whether he is or not. If he know what people were calling him, he would be pretty torqued off.
Some other figures you may be confused about:
J. Fred Muggs? A chimp.
(BJ and) The Bear? A chimp.
Bonzo? A chimp.
Curious George? Supposedly a monkey, although he looks more like a furry human child.
So what does like a monkey look like, you ask? Like this.
Monkeys tend to be small. Small body, small head. They don’t really remind people of human beings. Not much prospect in show biz, unless they can find an organ grinder.
So now you know. Go and sin no more.
Woody
10:22:03 AM 
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