Changing Body Image

I do love being pregnant.  I love feeling the little guy kicking and swimming around in there. I am totally digging the new boobs and could pretty much walk around all day with arrows floating over my shoulders and a flashing neon sign saying "Check out these bad boys!" I am amazed that my belly, which is growing so big, feels so hard!  I was bummed when my good woman friend left work early yesterday and I couldn't go into her office, point to my belly, and say "FEEL THIS!"

All of that is really cool.  But I. am. freaking. out. when I get on the scales in the morning and I see the numbers ever increasing.  Yes, I know they're supposed to.  And yes, I know it's a good sign that the baby is getting bigger.  But I think my thighs are, too.  I think my ribs, not the parts that are boobs but just the ribs, are getting some extra padding there, too.  And I can feel the skin on my belly pushing and expanding as my uterus keeps growing, and it doesn't really feel that good. I'm waddling already! I feel huge already and I'm just past the halfway mark.

I can't help to believe that part of it is my age.  I've had this body for nearly 40 years and it's been just me hanging out in here through thick and thin.  I've known all the bumps and ridges and hard and soft places and thought of them as home.  Now, there's a whole remodeling going on and although I know it's "good", it's still freaking me out.  Something else is controlling my body.  I love my big belly and I feel like an object of hugeness at the same time.  And all (most) of the comments thus far have been supportive:  you look great, it's just your belly, blah, blah, blah.  I can't help but thinking of the number I saw on the scale in the morning and I can't help feeling big. 

And don't tell me to "stop feeling that way."  I'm a psychologist, so I can tell you that people's feelings are people's feelings.  They are not good or bad.  You simply feel.  How you act on those feelings has positive and negative outcomes...and I'm not dieting, I'm doing what I should be doing.  But I am feeling big.

It probably doesn't help that my body image that my body is also covered in poison ivy.  Trust me, that adds a whole new dimensions of feeling (un)attractive which has just been a joy this week.  I did go to the doctor and was given a very mild prescription for the rash and bumps.  It's much milder than what Dave has been using, but it's still a "Class C" drug.  That means they don't know what effects it might have on the baby.  One should use it only when the benefits outweigh the risks. I'm only using it once a day (instead of twice) and I'm applying as little as a I can to just the bumps and rashes on my skin.  Even after one day, it has made a huge difference, and I'm hoping to stop use by tomorrow. 

I have also decided that I need to buy some more clothes.  I'm down to three pants (including one set of overalls) and a skirt which I can't wear now because people would scream and drop to their knees in fear and disgust if they saw my legs.  I need some clothes that make me feel less than ugly.  Ebay and Motherhood.com, here I come. 

7:59:42 AM