Captain of the Quidditch Team or His Real Parents??

We have a full length mirror in our bedroom.  Patches finds it fascinating.  Sometimes, he'll walk into the room, go directly to the mirror and then watch all the goings on in the room reflected in the mirror.  Sometimes I'll stand behind him and wave to him in the mirror.  Dave and I wonder, though, whether he's seeing himself as Captain of the Quidditch team or looking for his real mom and dad. 

When he turns away from the mirror, whatever spell that was enchanting him is broken.  We can't get him to look back in the mirror to see our reflection.  When we try, he stares at our fingers or looks at the mirror and not into it.  It has to be something he discovers on his own.  Clearly, though, it's a magical mirror.

Planting and Landscaping

We finally got the early crops into the garden, albeit late.  And yesterday, Dave planted 8 Kurume Hybrid Sherwood Red Azaleas and a Camellia tree-let.  It's small, but we're going to be here for a while.  We need to get the daylillies in soon; although there's a hard frost warning tonight and we may wait until later this week to put them in.  Someone warned us last night that they spread, and Dave and I were both thinking, that's what we want them to do!  It's good to know that though because then we can plant them further apart.  And as we get better at this whole gardening/landscaping stuff, we can divide them and put them elsewhere or give them away...or replant them with a bigger variety.  Who the heck knows.

Career

I'm freaking out a bit about my career right now.  I have quite a few projects (papers) to get tied up before the bun pops out of the oven.  I have an important paper to get out that I'm co-writing with my mentor, and thank god for that or I'd be in a state of paralyzed fear from what needs to be done with it.  Academic careers are different from "regular" ones.  I don't really have job security until I have tenure.  And they have clearly stated that I won't have tenure unless I get at least one "A" publication before I go up for tenure review.  What is bizarre about me is that instead of inspiring me, this frightens the absolute shit out of me.  I can churn out B publications in my sleep (Ok--maybe B- pubs), but an A publication is a whole nother story.  When I took this job, they told me I needed 1 to 2 publications per year and it didn't matter really where (i.e., B's are fine).  Now they are saying a couple of these bad boys have to hit in the A levels.  I understand why.  We're starting a PhD program here and they want it to be nationally recognized.  To be nationally recognized, the profs need to be publishing in the As. 

It's probably freaking me out more this week because I'm doing a presentation to my department about my research which is always weird to talk to peers/colleagues about all the freaky things we do, but even moreso when I'm feeling so insecure. And my annual self-evaluation is due on Friday.  And I'm a few days behind on turning in a section of a paper to my co-author.  That's today's work. 

The good news is that due to my maternity leave, I'm get to add another year on my tenure clock.  This is "good" because if my portfolio looks good (a couple of A hits) I can go up as I normally would, and if not, I get another year to get a hit.  And just to be clear, I'm not actually taking the semester off from work.  I'm still going to be supervising a projects class, working with students, and working on research.  I just won't be going in to campus to do my work. 

To be honest, all this reflects is self-doubt I need to ignore.  Just do it.  Do it well.  And send out the paper.  The worst thing that happens is that they say it sucks, and we improve it and send it elsewhere. 

It's still all very, very frightening to me.  I love being a professor.  But I hate the feeling I have now of doubting whether I'm good enough to be here. 

11:41:07 AM