The News, It Is Not Good

It is not good at all.

Wednesday afternoon I had some mild cramps, but they caught my attention well enough that I IM’d Dave that I was having them.  I assured him though that as long as there wasn’t spotting, we’d be ok.

Wednesday night as I was preparing for bed, I saw spotting.  Faint spotting.  Faint, faint spotting.  So faint that I could have been imagining it.  But I knew I wasn’t.  But nothing more. 

Thursday morning, we decided to call the doctor because all the advice we saw said to call the doctor.  I told the triage nurse that I was sure that nothing was wrong.  Mild cramps, very faint spotting.  Not a biggie, but they said call the doctor. 

She said that it probably not a problem what with the other ultrasound they had done and seen a heartbeat.  But she said, for peace of mind, she said, come on in and have another one. 

OK!  I thought.  Another chance to get a picture of our baby!!!

Dave left work early so he could meet me for my 4:00 appointment.  I told the sonographer “mild cramps, faint bleeding, check it out.”  We joked about who knows what. 

Then the exam started.  She got serious.  Her brow was furrowed.  She was concentrating.

“All we need is a heartbeat,” I said.  “Do you see a heartbeat?”

She paused and slowly said, “I can’t find a heartbeat.” She took more pictures.  I stared at the ceiling.  She stood up and put her hand on my knee.

“I know,” I told her.  “I understand.” 

Our little bean stopped sprouting probably less than a week ago.  I go in Monday for the surgery (so the plan is now.  We haven’t finalized the details).  I’m sad.  But I’m not as sad as I’m going to be after Monday.  Do you know why?  Because I get to keep my baby for 3 more days.  I get to still be pregnant for 3 more days.  I know my little baby is already gone.  But he or she is still inside me for 3 more days.  And I get to say goodbye to my little bean for the next three days. 

It’s “magical thinking”, I know.  But as long as my bean is still inside me, I get to hold on to hope and love for just a little while longer. 

We were so positive after the first ultrasound.  We’ve heard that after they see a heartbeat, the miscarriage rate goes down to 5%.  But that’s no guarantee.  It was sadly no guarantee for us. 

8:41:31 AM