Feeling Our Way Through This

Way back in December, when I had the miscarriage, I remember feeling that I didn’t know what “path” we were on now.  That I didn’t  know what I supposed to feel or even what I was going to feel as we started the healing process.

I do know that I was surprised by how quickly I bounced back and was able to “get back to normal.”  And I’ve been surprised by how I’ve had bad reactions to hearing good news about the pregnancy of others. 

And now we’re at a whole completely new stage and I’m surprised at how I’m reacting now.  First, we’re in our first cycle in TTC again.  And I’m not going to tell you where we are on it just so we can deal with it when it happens by ourselves.  But I do have to share with you that I’m not taking my morning temperature regularly. 

Yikes!  I know!!  You’re just as shocked as I am.  How can little Miss I-gotta-be-in-control not be taking her temperatures?  Well, one reason is that the battery died and I’ve yet to replace it.  But I wasn’t taking my temps regularly before then either. 

Even more shocking was my reaction to the positive OPK: hmmmmmmm.  Yes, my reaction was actually:  hmmmmmmm.   I even took tests two to make sure it was correct because I didn’t believe the first one  This is coming from a woman who fairly whoops when we get a positive OPK, because I had evidence that things were finally “happening.” 

I have been searching for how to name this feeling and I come up with ambivalence.  (And little love bunny, if I do get pregnant and you’re born and you’re reading this, I was never ambivalent about you;  I’m ambivalent about being vulnerable again and open to being hurt again)

It’s completely bizarre for me.  I’m not temping, desperately searching for a sign that I’m pregnant.  I’m not anxiously analyzing every twitch and tingle despite knowing there is no way possible for me to be sensing being pregnant.  I’m not counting the days and hours until I can take my first pregnancy test. 

I’m just sort of going with the flow. Which for me is quite unusual. 

11:19:45 AM