Conservative Babylon, Part 1
Sex and the Not-So-Single Republican
Ankeney to Burton

Though touted and relentlessly discoursed,

These values are selectively enforced:

Of candidates the polllsters have endorsed,

There isn't one who hasn't been divorced.

 

-- Source unknown; probably

first published in The Nation

 

 

Whose moral-value judgment do you trust more: that of Bill Clinton, who got a hummer in the Oval Office and then lied about it, or that of the august body of convicted felons, child molesters, suspected rapists, adulterers, serial gropers, and deadbeat dads hell-bent on impeaching him for that blowie after their multi-million-dollar Whitewater investigation turned up nada?

 

Now, which would you rather read: A reasoned, balanced, longwinded and rather dry treatise on the hypocrisy of conservatives, or an easy-to-read checklist -- a scoresheet of sleaze -- that illustrates, no uncertain terms, the complete lack of "honor and integrity" that is the paean of the moral-toutin' Radical "Right"?

 

Guess which one you're about to see here?

 

This will be an ugly, sleazy thing to do, but, as I've said often over the past three years, it's time we liberals stopped being so damned nice.

 

We are not getting through to the people who need to hear our message -- or at least, that part of our message about the unfathomable hypocrisy of the party that preaches puritanism in the streets and then goes home, locks the door, and feels up the hired help.

 

The Republicans and their huge base of "Christian" moralists positively own this country, and want to outlaw everything from your right to free speech without fear of retribution, to your children's right to be schooled in evolutionary science, to my right to live with the person I love.

 

So let's speak to the Right on the level they understand -- and on which they thrive. As lowdown and dirty as it is, this is the kind of information you can actually use in your water-cooler debates with co-workers who think gays are evil, all a feminist really needs is a good man to keep her in line, and Bush and his ilk are just swell, honest, upstanding pillars of virtue.

 

In other words, the next time some dittohead spouts off about how gay marriage means the decline of civilization, or why Clinton was bad and Bush is good, you'll have the kind of ammunition said dittohead will understand.

 

As Salon.com explained after running an exposé of the adulterous affair of Henry Hyde:

 

In a different and better world, we would not have released this story. Throughout the tragic farce of the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, we have strongly argued that the private lives of all Americans, whether they are public figures or not, should remain sacrosanct. ...

 

But Clinton's enemies have changed the rules. In the brave new world that has been created by the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, the private lives of public figures are no longer off-limits. The president is now to be judged not by how he does his job, but by his private sexual behavior. As Rep. Tom DeLay, one of Capitol Hill's more vigilant moral centurions, said, "I'm scared to death of such notions that it doesn't matter what a person does in his private life. The character is the person ... I'm very concerned we have some [people] in the United States that really believe that character doesn't matter." ...

 

Aren't we fighting fire with fire, descending to the gutter tactics of those we deplore? Frankly, yes. But ugly times call for ugly tactics. When a pack of sanctimonious thugs beats you and your country upside the head with a tire-iron, you can withdraw to the sideline and meditate, or you can grab it out of their hands and fight back.

 

Why we ran the Henry Hyde story

Salon.com

September 16, 1998

 

These are ugly times, boys and girls -- uglier than Salon.com could have ever imagined in 1998.

 

And since sex is about the only thing that will catch the attention of the general public anymore, that's where we'll start -- with sex, sex, sex... and sexual assault (which has nothing to do with screwing, but everything to do with being screwed up).

 

We'll get to other transgressions later -- blatant (and GOP-sanctioned) racism, nepotism, misuse of public funds, and the like, some other day. (Wait 'til you get a load of the Repubs who are wingnut-militia supporters, off-the-scale conspiracy theorists, and those who are just plain nuts.)

 

But right now, let's start with the one subject everybody will read about: S-E-X. Banging, boffing, boinking, bonking, shagging...

 

Yes, boys and girls, conservatives do it. Quite often with people they're not supposed to be doing it with. And they usually lie about it.

 

Haven't you ever wondered why the Right is so bloody obsessed with it?

 

One more note: You won't find any Bible-thumpin' moralizers (other than those who have served in public office) in this installment. Why? Because we're saving those sinners for Part 2!

 

With that, doublethink hereby presents the first installment of...

Conservative Babylon, Part 1
Sex and the Not-So-Single Republican

Remember, kids:

These are the God-fearin' righties who want to

legislate your morality and "family values":

 

 

 Randal David Ankeney

 

Republican activist, campaigner; former regional representative for Colorado Governor's Office of Economic Development; Internet chat-room predator; child molester

 

Moral apex: Ankeney, whom the Rocky Mountain News called a "fixture in El Paso County Republican politics," was arrested in 2001 on suspicion of sexual assault on a child with force, sexual assault on a child, sexual exploitation of a child, marijuana possession, and possession of drug paraphernalia.

 

The short version: Lured 13-year-old girl to his apartment, plied her with booze and pot, photographed her topless, then had sex with her.

 

What's more: After his arrest, a second girl -- a 17-year-old campaign worker -- charged him with sexual assault.

 

End result: In 2002, he pleaded guilty to attempted sexual assault on a child.

 

Fun fact: He named his dogs Nixon and Reagan.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Ankeney:

 

But the men would not hearken to him: so the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning: and when the day began to spring, they let her go.

 

-- Judges 19:25

 

 

 Dick Armey (R-Tex.)

 

Anti-gay crusader; alleged sexual harasser

 

Moral apex: While an economics professor at North Texas State University, was accused by three female students of sexually inappropriate behavior. One was upset enough to quit the school.

 

One thing's clear: He wasn't averse to sleeping with his students; one became his wife.

 

Memorable quote:

 

"Yes, I am Dick Armey. And if there is a dick army, Barney Frank would want to join up."

 

-- Referring to gay congressman Barney Frank,

whom Armey called "Barney Fag"

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Armey:

 

Thou givest thy mouth to evil, and thy tongue frameth deceit.

 

-- Psalm 50:19

 

 

 Bob Barr (R-Ga.)

 

Adulterer; divorcé; hypocrite

 

The setup: A major opponent of choice, Barr publicly stated he would do everything in his power to stop a family member from having an abortion, even if the pregnancy were the result of rape.

 

The spike: Ex-wife Gail says then-hubby condoned the abortion of her third pregnancy -- and paid for it.

 

Family values in action: For Thanksgiving, 1985, dumped cancer-victim Gail and abandoned the couple's two young sons, for third wife Jeri. Swore he wasn't having affair with Jeri before divorcing Gail; Gail says otherwise.

 

Punch line #1: Was chief sponsor of federal Defense of Marriage Act.

 

Hobbies: Was photographed licking whipped cream off breasts of strippers.

 

Punch line #2: Was first rep to call for impeachment of President Clinton.

 

Memorable observations:

 

"[The] principal House sponsor [of the federal anti-gay-marriage law, 'The Defense of Marriage Act'], Bob Barr of Georgia, his district office confirms, has been married three times -- which raises the question of why the act doesn't contain a three-strikes-and-you're-out provision."

 

-- Frank Rich, New York Times

 

"Robert Barr who wrote the Act, definitely supports the notion of marriage. He's been married three times. He must have confused 'till death do us part' with 'till divorce do us part.'"

 

-- Clinton Fein

"Marriage, Once" HERO Magazine

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Barr:

 

And I will come near to you to judgment; and I will be a swift witness against the sorcerers, and against the adulterers, and against false swearers, and against those that oppress the hireling in his wages, the widow, and the fatherless, and that turn aside the stranger from his right, and fear not me, saith the LORD of hosts.

 

-- Malachi 3:5

 

 

 Gary Bauer

 

Former Chief Domestic Policy Advisor under Ronald Reagan; unofficial Bush II adviser; president, Family Research Council; failed presidential candidate; anti-gay crusader

 

Memorable moment: Lost nine staff workers, including campaign manager, who quit in protest of Bauer's "inappropriate" behavior with 26-year-old deputy campaign manager.

 

Memorable quote:

 

"We are engaged in a social, political, and cultural war. There's a lot of talk in America about pluralism. But the bottom line is somebody's values will prevail. And the winner gets the right to teach our children what to believe."

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Bauer:

 

There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.

 

-- Proverbs 14:12

 

 

 Robert Bauman (R-Md.)

 

Leading "family values" advocate; closet homo

 

Moral apex: Married dad of four pleaded not guilty in 1980 a charge of committing oral sodomy on a teenage boy in Washington.

 

Twinkie defense: He was drunk.

 

End result: Lost re-election to a Democratic challenger.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Bauman:

 

And they remembered that God was their rock, and the high God their redeemer. Nevertheless they did flatter him with their mouth, and they lied unto him with their tongues. For their heart was not right with him, neither were they stedfast in his covenant.

 

-- Psalm 78:35-37

 

 

 Parker J. Bena

 

Virginia Republican activist; pervert

 

Moral apex: Convicted in 2001 of possession of child pornography.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Bena:

 

Dearly beloved, I beseech you as strangers and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts, which war against the soul;

 

-- 1 Peter 2:11

 

 

 Mike Bowers

 

Georgia Attorney General; adulterer; hypocrite

 

Moral apex: 10-year extramarital affair.

 

Height of hypocrisy: During decade-long adulterous fling, defended Georgia's sodomy laws before U.S. Supreme Court, noting that adultery was a misdemeanor under state law.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Bowers:

 

Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness.

 

-- Matthew 23:27

 

 

 Karl Brabenec and Jimmy Karalis

 

Respectively, President and Recording Secretary, Orange County Young Republicans; idiots

 

Moral apex: Probably haven't hit their apex(es) yet, but have already made names for themselves by distributing fliers at 2003 Young Republicans national convention for "Karlpalooza '03," party offering "lots of beer, liquor and sex."

 

Consequences: Boston's Park Plaza Hotel shut down YR convention's "hospitality suites." Brabenec sacked by boss, Orange County Executive Edward Diana. Karalis asked to resign from Orange County Foreign Trade Zone board.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Messrs. Brabenec and Karalis:

 

The princes of Zoan are become fools, the princes of Noph are deceived; they have also seduced Egypt, even they that are the stay of the tribes thereof. The LORD hath mingled a perverse spirit in the midst thereof: and they have caused Egypt to err in every work thereof, as a drunken man staggereth in his vomit.

 

-- Isaiah 19:13-14

 

 

 Pat Buchanan

 

Conservative commentator; failed presidential candidate; anti-gay crusader; xenophobe

 

Hmmm! moment: Says he was exempted from draft in 1960 due to Reiter's syndrome.

 

What's that? A type of "reactive arthritis" -- or, a type of arthritis caused by some sort of bacterial infection.

 

So? So, in third-world countries, Reiter's syndrome is usually caused by dysentery, or salmonella poisoning.

 

So? So, it's extremely unlikely Pat contracted dysentery in some third-world country, or salmonella poisoning, before 1960.

 

So? So, the most common cause of Reiter's syndrome in the U.S. is chlamydia.

 

So, what's chlamydia? A venereal disease. VD. An STD. A sexually-transmitted disease that gives you ugly sore things on your private parts. Sometimes it doesn't show any symptoms at all. Especially if you're a guy. In fact, you might never know you have it, unless a doctor tests you for it. Like, say, a draft-board doctor.

 

Ohhh! Yeah.

 

Memorable quote: Regarding Secretary of State Colin Powell's encouragement to sexually-active teenagers to use condoms in an effort to stem the spread of sexually-transmitted diseases, Pat opined:

 

"As for Powell's advice, it would appear to have been on the same moral plane as telling teens who drink and shoot drugs to be sure to use clean needles and buy only bonded whiskey. But what they needed to hear from the secretary is the truth. The laws of nature and nature's God have not been repealed. As the Bible says, so it remains: The wages of sin is death."

 

-- "The great condom fraud and cover-up," March 4, 2002

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Buchanan:

 

He is a leprous man, he is unclean: the priest shall pronounce him utterly unclean; his plague is in his head.

 

-- Leviticus 13:44

 

 

 Jim Bunn (R-Ore.)

 

Strong "family values" promoter; adulterer

 

Moral apex: With his success due in great part to support from the Christian Coalition, Bunn won his congressional seat, then immediately ditched his wife (and mother of his five children), married a staffer, and put his new wife on the state payroll for the unheard-of salary of $97,500.

 

Consequence #1: Bunn served just one term.

 

Consequence #2: Jim Who?

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Bunn:

 

And the cares of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the lusts of other things entering in, choke the word, and it becometh unfruitful.

 

-- Mark 4:19

 

 

 Dan Burton (R-Ind.)

 

Co-sponsor of proposed constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriages; adulterer; child deserter; hypocrite

 

Modus operandi: Multiple extramarital affairs & numerous allegations of sexual harassment & groping.

 

Moral apex: While married, fathered child out of wedlock. Lied about it. Has nothing to do with his bastard son. Had to be forced to pay child support.

 

Punch line: Called President Clinton a "scumbag."

 

Fun fact: Kept mistresses on government payroll.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Burton:

 

They give gifts to all whores: but thou givest thy gifts to all thy lovers, and hirest them, that they may come unto thee on every side for thy whoredom.

 

-- Ezekiel 16:33

 

 

End of Ankeney to Burton

Next: Bush to Chmura

 

Conservative Babylon, Part 1
Sex and the Not-So-Single Republican
Ankeney to Burton 11:25:28 PM
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The Sanctity of Marriage

We like LiberalsLikeChrist.org!
This is the perfect introduction to my next entry -- the first installment of the little project I promised you yesterday.

I'm glad a straight guy wrote it, because I know, from experience, that the words of straight people carry a lot more weight with other straight people. (Hey, it's true.)

Besides, he says it so well:

The Threat to Sanctity of Marriage Is Heterosexual

 

The president vowed to "do what is legally necessary to defend the sanctity of marriage." He did not explain precisely how gays and lesbians are attacking the sanctity of marriage with their wish to be bound by it.

 

In fact, same-sex marriages are not likely to have any impact on the sanctity of the president's marriage or my marriage or any other heterosexual's marriage. My wife and I would still be married and so would the president and the first lady.

 

If anyone is undermining the sanctity of marriage these days, it's my fellow heterosexuals. Look at our statistics: Somewhere between 40 and 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce. More than half of births to women under age 25 are out of wedlock. We make light of the institution with quicky Las Vegas marriages, quicky divorces and weird catch-a-man shows like "The Bachelor" that elevate gold digging almost to an Olympic sport.

 

Yes, Rick Whatshisname and Darva Conger (the pair that started it all) can meet and marry within 45 minutes of first laying eyes on one another, admit it's all a sham, and, without so much as consummating their unholy union, get lots of publicity and money for splitting up -- but I can't marry the woman I've been building a life with for the past three and a half years.

 

Which reminds me of a great little quote I saved from a visitor to GayToday.com not too long ago:

 

No one has even suggested a law that would prevent someone who was convicted of murdering his or her spouse from marrying again. (Even while imprisoned!) No one is campaigning for barring new marriage licenses for deadbeat dads. Most tellingly, there is no outcry that it's legal for pedophiles to marry, and if that's not an assault on the sanctity of marriage, nothing is. So where are the "defenders?"

 

David Paquette

Rhode Island

 

Speaking of murder, Richard Ramirez comes to mind. You know, California's "Night Stalker" -- the self-proclaimed satanist who raped and murdered a whole bunch of folks, from kids all the way up to grandmas sleeping in bed, and then drank their blood. He got married on Death Row* a few years back. It was his right.

 

But it's not my right. The only thing on my record is a traffic ticket from 1990. (Oops, my bad -- it's not on my record. I went to traffic school and got it dismissed. Beyond that, I don't have any sort of record. But I guess that's not enough to qualify me for marriage.)

 

Back to Clarence Page:

 

But we don't punish heterosexuals for debasing the sanctity of marriage. Instead, legislators have responded to the public's will by making it easier to get no-fault divorces and harder to prosecute cheaters for adultery. Despite stalwart efforts by some to reverse that tide, the tide has not turned.

 

Clarence Page

The Threat to Sanctity of Marriage Is Heterosexual

Newsday

December 5, 2003

 

It's been said many a time that if "saving" heterosexual marriage were such a priority, divorce would be outlawed.

 

Read the rest of Page's op/ed when you get a chance.

 

Now, let's really talk about the "sanctity of marriage"... Republican-style.

 

    

 

* Not that there's anything unusual about murderers, rapists, and the like getting married in prison.

 

Off the top of my head:

 

Erik and Lyle Menendez (who blew away their rich parents with dual shotgun blasts) both did it.

 

Charles Manson Family member Tex Watson (the one who told Sharon Tate, "I'm the devil, and I'm here to do the devil's business") was not only married in prison, but has fathered four children since he's been on the inside.

 

Incidentally, if Tex were entering the prison system in many states today, he wouldn't be allowed to have conjugal visits -- but he could still get married! Which kinda blows to hell the argument that marriage between a man and a woman is all about procreation, doesn't it?

 

Susan Atkins (the Manson Girl who actually stabbed Sharon Tate to death, and considered cutting out Sharon's eight-month fetus) has been married in prison -- not once, but twice.

 

Angelo Buono, who with his cousin Kenneth Bianchi, kidnapped, raped, tortured, and dumped the corpses of two dozen or more women near L.A. freeway hillsides (making them the "Hillside Stranglers"), bragged about raping and sodomizing girls when he was just 14, was married at least three times and fathered at least six children -- all of whom he abused, either physically, sexually, or both -- and sexually abused the 14-year-old daughter of a live-in lover (who, in Buono's words, needed "breaking in"), long before he and Kenny started their murder spree. And yet he was allowed to marry in prison.

 

Even grandmother Karla Faye Tucker (whom then-Texas governor George W. Bush mocked cruelly after refusing her a stay of execution) did it.

 

And so did Ted Bundy (who has no connection to G.W. Bush, save for the fact that the serial killer and the resident-in-chief shared an eerie resemblance), convicted of 36 murders (although the true total may be as high as 100).

 

And I still don't have the right to get married?

 

I guess owning a vagina is a worse crime than wholesale slaughter.

 

The Sanctity of Marriage 9:55:20 PM
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You're a Mean One, Mr. Frist

(With apologies to Dr. Seuss)

 

You're a mean one, Mr. Frist.

You really are a heel.

Stripping Medicare for seniors,

You may as well just sack and steal.

Mr. Frist.

 

You're nothing but a rich doctor

With a heart that can't feel!

 

You're divisive, Mr. Frist.

Building straw men when you can.

Though no homo would go near you

You insist on a gay-marriage ban.

Mr. Frist.

 

With your Senate full of cheaters, divorcees, and Newt Gingrich wannabes,

You wouldn't recognize a loving man.

 

You're elitist, Mr. Frist.

You'd take every penny back

From small-business operators

If they're women or they're black

Mr. Frist.

 

You've been dying to ban affirmative action, and you voted to end federal funding for minority and women-owned business

Because you're neither, you quack.

 

You're a rich one, Mr. Frist.

And it shows in every vote.

You protect the corporations

Just to keep your kind afloat.

Mr. Frist.

 

As long as Joe Sixpack keeps his credit-card balances high and can't declare bankruptcy, you'll keep making money

So you punch holes in Joe's lifeboat.

 

You're a fouler, Mr. Frist.

You don't care how much you soil.

Voting yes on ANWAR drilling,

Lubricating your checkbook with oil.

Mr. Frist.

 

By lifting fuel-efficiency standards, allowing logging interests to rape national forests, discouraging the development of hydrogen-powered vehicles, stripping funding from renewable-energy sources, and not giving a damn where we store radioactive waste

On the ass of the environment, you're a boil.

 

Merry Christmas, Mr. Frist.

Have a happy yule of old

May your house be full of laughter

While you leave the jobless in the cold.

Mr. Frist.

 

To the man who drives Senate Republicans, on the occasion of denying extended benefits to unemployed Americans -- again -- just 17 days before Christmas

Your heart is full of nothing... but fool's gold.

 

You're a Mean One, Mr. Frist 6:54:43 PM
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