Conservative Babylon, Part 1
Sex and the Not-So-Single Republican
Scarborough to Stangeland

Previous entry: McCain to Oberweis

Remember, kids:

These are the God-fearin' righties who want to

legislate your morality and "family values":

 

 

 Joe Scarborough (R-Fla.)

 

Former Florida rep; host of right-wing Fox talk show "Scarborough Country"; "conservative family values" proponent; divorcé

 

Why he's here: Divorced wife in 1999. But that's the least interesting thing about Joe Scarborough. We're not accusing him of anything -- just using a very strange and familiar-sounding story to illustrate the very real right-wing media bias that shields Scarborough and his friends from the type of scrutiny visited upon every Democrat from Bill Clinton on down.

 

Let's play a game:

 

Fill in the blank #1: Gary Condit and  _ _ _ _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _?

 

You probably said "Chandra Levy." If you didn't: Levy was an intern to California Rep. Gary Condit. One day, she disappeared. The media went crazy covering rumors of a romantic dalliance with Condit, and hinted wildly that Condit had killed her. He didn't. But his career was destroyed. Condit, of course, is a Democrat.

 

Fill in the blank #2: Joe Scarborough and  _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _?

 

Did you say "Lori Klausutis"? Probably not.

 

Just the facts: Scarborough got a divorce. Then he suddenly resigned from Congress, just six months after re-election. (Invoked old fallback excuse of wanting to "spend more time" with children.) Then he suddenly resigned as publisher of the Independent Florida Sun. Then, just as suddenly, Lori Klausutis, 28-year-old staffer to Scarborough, was found dead in Scarborough's district office in Fort Walton Beach, Florida. Date was July 20, 2001. Cause of death: Blow to the head. Conclusion: Heart condition caused her to collapse, fall, hit head on a desk, and die. Story barely a blip on the radar. Lots of people left with lots of questions.

 

Memorable observations:

 

"Everyone knows who Gary Condit is and we all know all about the tragic death of Chandra Levy. But who was Lori Klausutis? How did she die? ... Most Americans have no idea, thanks to a mass media run by right-wingers for right-wingers. ... Of course while the "liberal" media was going nuts over the Gary Condit and Chandra Levy mess all through the summer 2001, they completely ignored the Klausutis affair."

 

Mike Hersh

Note the bias

Online Journal

May 7, 2003

 

"Why is there a complete media blackout on this story? Why the complete preoccupation with the similar but largely speculative Condit/Levy story? ... How does that 'fair and balanced' cable network explain the complete hypocrisy and contempt for truth in their handling of these two similar tales? Will we ever know the truth of how Lori Klausutis died?"

 

Denis Wright and Chris George

A Death in the Congressman's Office

American Politics Journal

August 8, 2001

 

Final questions: Was Lori Klausutis among Scarborough's rumored dalliances? (Scarborough, noted the Pensacola News Journal in 2001, "was pursued by rumors over the cause of the divorce [and] a growing body of criticism that Scarborough's personal life didn't match the moralistic conservative stance he campaigned on").

 

What does Joe know, if anything, about her death?

 

Conclusion: We'll never find out.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Scarborough:

 

Hear, ye deaf; and look, ye blind, that ye may see.

 

-- Isaiah 42:18

 

 

 Dan Schaefer (R-Colo.)

 

Why he's here: Just another divorced Republican congressman.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Schaefer: Not worth the trouble. Dan can go check out any of the dozens of other entries in this list if he wants "divine inspiration."

 

 

 David Schippers

 

Attorney; special impeachment counsel to the House Judiciary Committee; leading anti-Clinton moralizer; "devout Catholic"; adulterer; liar; hypocrite in the extreme

 

Moral apex: While blasting President Clinton for the Lewinsky affair, was still carrying on 25-year affair with secretary Nancy Ruggero -- which ended only when Ruggero, finally sick of waiting for him to follow through on promise to leave wife, married somebody else.

 

What's more: Schippers was not only married, but married some 45 years, and had 10 children (and 25 grandchildren). Continued affair even after wife Jackie found out (she had him followed).

 

What's more: In lawsuit filed by business partner, Schippers lied under oath that he was not romantically involved with Ruggero. (What was it everybody was saying about Clinton again?)

 

Height of hypocrisy: On "60 Minutes," called wife Jackie "his one and only sweetheart."

 

No, wait -- this is the height of hypocrisy: Actually brought mistress to the Clinton impeachment proceedings as an observer. (Wife was there too!)

 

Amazing fact: Had the temerity to be jealous of Ruggero's new marriage -- yet not only attended her wedding, but walked her down the aisle.

 

Fun fact #1: Once studied for the priesthood.

 

Fun fact #2: He's a papal knight -- one of a Catholic order of only a few hundred men in the world.

 

Memorable quote:

 

"There should be a moral overtone to every profession. The rules are the rules are the rules."

 

-- In The New Republic, 1998

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Schippers:

 

A righteous man hateth lying: but a wicked man is loathsome, and cometh to shame.

 

-- Proverbs 13:5

 

 

 John Schmitz (R-Calif.)

 

Failed presidential candidate; prominent "family values" promoter; right-wing extremist extraordinaire; adulterer; bad father

 

Career highlights: Fought to abolish sex education in American schools. Tried to outlaw intrauterine contraceptiion (IUDs). Almost made primary rival Bob Dornan look liberal.

 

"Feminazi" moment: After a confrontation with high-profile lawyer Gloria Allred, Schmitz OK'd publication of an aide's press release, "Attack of the Bulldykes," which called Allred a "slick butch lawyeress" and (according to Wall Street Journal editorialist John Fund, whose own ugly little story you'll find here too) "described her supporters as 'a sea of hard, Jewish and (arguably) female faces.'"

 

Divine retribution: Allred sued; Schmitz had to pony up $20,000 in damages. Was reprimanded by California legislature & lost chairmanship of state Constitutional Amendments Committee.

 

Believe it or not moment: He got kicked off the national council of the John Birch Society for being too "extreme" -- even by their standards!

 

Punch line: Fathered two out-of-wedlock children with a student.

 

Punch line of the century: Daughter is Mary Kay LeTourneau, schoolteacher now in prison for having sex with 13-year-old student, who fathered two children by her.

 

Final reward: He's dead now.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Schmitz:

 

And your children shall wander in the wilderness forty years, and bear your whoredoms, until your carcases be wasted in the wilderness.

 

-- Numbers 14:33

 

Suggested Bible reading for Ms. LeTourneau:

 

Wherefore say unto the house of Israel, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Are ye polluted after the manner of your fathers? and commit ye whoredom after their abominations?

 

-- Ezekiel 20:30

 

 

 Arnold Schwarzenegger

 

Republican Governor of California; adulterer; fornicator; serial groper; pot smoker; steroid abuser; bad actor

 

Moral apex: Oh, please, where do you want to start -- with the groping, the gang orgies, the cheating on Maria with a 16-year-old (sans statutory-rape charges)? I've already written more about Ah-nold's brutish sex life than I ever cared to. Just go here.

 

Divine justice: None yet, but we're sure it's on its way! At least Rhonda Miller is finally suing him for that hatchet job on her good name.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Schwarzenegger:

 

For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.

 

-- Romans 8:5-6

 

 

 E.G. "Bud" Shuster (R-Penn.)

 

Chairman of the House Committee on Transportation & Infrastructure

 

Moral apex: Shacked up with a transportation-industry lobbyist, put her on his payroll, and voted any way she wanted him to.

 

Or, as the Congressional Accountability Project put it in 2000: "Shuster is Chairman of the House Committee on Transportation & Infrastructure. Ann Eppard is a top transportation lobbyist in Washington. She has built a lucrative and successful lobbying practice lobbying Chairman Shuster on matters pending before his Committee. Chairman Shuster employs Eppard as his campaign fundraiser, apparently raising hundreds of thousands of dollars in campaign funds that have been diverted to personal use by both Shuster and Eppard. Shuster has paid Eppard a $3,000 monthly fee for these fundraising and campaign services. Shuster has regularly lodged with Eppard at her Virginia home, according to a report by the CBS News program 60 Minutes. The Congressional Accountability Project's 1996 complaint showed that several of Eppard's clients received generous favors and benefits from Chairman Shuster and the House Transportation & Infrastructure Committee. Since then, mounting evidence strongly suggests that the Shuster-Eppard partnership is an influence-peddling scheme that is readily exploited by corporations and special interests to gain influence in Congress. Many news reports show that Eppard has been remarkably successful in obtaining legislative favors and benefits from Chairman Shuster on behalf of her clients."

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Shuster:

 

Therefore shall they eat of the fruit of their own way, and be filled with their own devices. For the turning away of the simple shall slay them, and the prosperity of fools shall destroy them.

 

-- Proverbs 1:31-32

 

 

 Arlan Stangeland (R-Minn.)

 

Fool

 

Moral apex: Married father of seven swore that the several hundred long-distance phonecalls made to female aide in 1986-87 -- and charged to his House credit card -- were not evidence of a romantic relationship.

 

Consequence: Voters rolled eyes, clucked tongues, voted Democratic.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Stangeland:

 

Lust not after her beauty in thine heart; neither let her take thee with her eyelids.

 

-- Proverbs 6:25

 

 

End of Scarborough to Stangeland

Next: Thomas to Wingate

 

Conservative Babylon, Part 1
Sex and the Not-So-Single Republican
Scarborough to Stangeland 10:31:59 PM
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Conservative Babylon, Part 1
Sex and the Not-So-Single Republican
McCain to Oberweis

Previous entry: Hinson to Lukens

Remember, kids:

These are the God-fearin' righties who want to

legislate your morality and "family values":

 

 

 John McCain (R-Ariz.)

 

U.S. Senator; former presidential candidate; Vietnam War veteran & P.O.W.

 

Why he's here: Admitted to adultery during first marriage. Which means he's divorced, too.

 

Beyond that: Nothing we care to look into, because he's only one of two Republicans on this entire list for whom we have any respect whatsoever. One of these days, he's going to wake up and realize he's really a Democrat. Well, more of a Democrat than Joe Lieberman, anyway.

 

 

 Jim McCrery (R-La.)

 

Moral apex: Closet homo outed by respected journalist Kurt Wolfe...

 

Height of hypocrisy: ...after he voted in favor of anti-gay Defense of Marriage Act.

 

End result: Still denies he's gay.

 

See also: Mark Foley, Jim Kolbe.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. McCrery:

 

For there is no man that doeth any thing in secret, and he himself seeketh to be known openly. If thou do these things, shew thyself to the world.

 

-- John 7:4

 

 

 John McKay (R-Fla.)

 

Florida Senate President; adulterer; divorcé

 

Moral apex: Forced to admit, during messy divorce proceedings in '96, to boinking young telecommunications lobbyist while working on bill to deregulate telecommunications industry.

 

What happened next: Married the lobbyist.

 

Divine justice: Swore affair never affected job, but still had to resign as chair of the state Ways and Means Committee.

 

Anything else? Yeah, but it involves a tax scandal, not sex.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. McKay:

 

Thou sellest thy people for nought, and dost not increase thy wealth by their price.

 

-- Psalm 44:12

 

 

 Guy Millner (R-Fla.)

 

Two-time failed gubernatorial candidate, 1994; failed U.S. Senate candidate, 1996; super-duper-born-again Christian; adulterer; divorcé

 

Moral apex: Married not once, not twice, but three times. (But, hey, let's give the guy a break with a little Republican logic: It means he's only been divorced twice!)

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Millner:

 

Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife.

 

-- 1 Corinthians 7:27

 

 

 Susan Molinari (R-N.Y.)

 

Congressional rep-turned-CBS news anchor; divorcée

 

Moral apex: Divorced & remarried (to former NY congressman Bill Paxon).

 

Fun fact: Thrilled to pieces when Bob Dole picked her as Keynote Speaker at '96 Republican National Convention. Her father, ex-state legislator Guy Molinari, was not so blind to the reason: "He [Dole] has a serious gender gap."

 

Suggested Bible reading for Ms. Molinari:

 

And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband

 

-- 1 Corinthians 7:10

 

 

 Sue Myrick (R-N.C.)

 

Former mayor of Charlotte, N.C.; co-sponsor of proposed constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriages; adulterer

 

Moral apex: Left hubby for another man.

 

Punch line: Self-described "devout Christian."

 

Free pass: Won re-election as mayor of Charlotte anyway. Elected to Congress.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Ms. Myrick:

 

As a jewel of gold in a swine's snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion.

 

-- Proverbs 11:22

 

 

 Bill Owens

 

Governor of Colorado; divorcé

 

Moral apex: Killed a 28-year marriage.

 

Consequence: Devout Catholic who made "family values" the mainstay of his platform had to back out of keynote speeches to ultra-con groups such as Focus on the Family.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Owens:

 

I have forsaken mine house, I have left mine heritage; I have given the dearly beloved of my soul into the hand of her enemies.

 

-- Jeremiah 12:7

 

 

 Bob Packwood (R-Ore.)

 

U.S. Senator; pro-choice, pro-ERA, all-around pro-women's-rights Republican (!); serial groper

 

Moral apex: Groped and fondled several female staffers -- and tried to forcibly French-kiss a lobbyist for the National Abortion and Reproductive Rights Action League. Ten different women complained initially, in '92; more stepped forward later.

 

Twinkie defense: He was drunk.

 

Consequence: Resigned in 1995 after Senate Ethics Committee decided to expel him.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Packwood:

 

Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?

 

-- Proverbs 6:27

 

 

 John E. Peterson (R-Pa)

 

Moral apex: Charged with sexual harrassment by six women.

 

Twinkie defense: Admits to nothing more than being "an excessive hugger."

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Peterson:

 

O God, thou knowest my foolishness; and my sins are not hid from thee.

 

-- Psalm 69:5

 

 

 Ronald Reagan

 

Former President of the United States; former Governor of California; former B-movie actor; adulterer; divorcé; lousy father

 

Moral apex: Divorced from actress Jane Wyman; married actress Nancy Davis -- but not before allegedly bedding a bevy of Hollywood starlets while still married. When not estranged from all four children, was emotionally absent for most of their lives.

 

Punch line: Republicans think he's God.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Reagan:

 

The way of the wicked is as darkness: they know not at what they stumble.

 

-- Proverbs 4:19

 

 

 Nelson Rockefeller

 

Multimillionaire; U.S. Vice President under Gerald Ford; three-time failed presidential candidate; adulterer; divorcé

 

Lead-up: He and wife Happy left respective spouses to marry each other, in 1962.

 

Moral apex: Still married to Happy, Rocky died in 1979, reportedly in the midst of humping 25-year-old assistant, Megan Marshack, in the Manhattan apartment he helped her purchase.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Rockefeller:

 

But they that will be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition.

 

-- 1 Timothy 6:9

 

 

 Beverly Russell

 

Prominent South Carolina Republican Party leader; Christian Coalition coordinator; child molester; bad father

 

Moral apex: Sexually abused his stepdaughter from the time was she was 15, and continued longterm incestuous (yet "consensual") relationship with her until she was about 24 -- and married, and the mother of two children.

 

The shocker: His stepdaughter is Susan Smith, the South Carolina woman who drowned her two baby sons (after fabricating a story about a black carjacker who took off with the kids) in a lake, in her car.

 

Sidebar: Newt Gingrich stated at the time of the Smith child murders: "I think that the mother killing the two children in South Carolina vividly reminds every American how sick the society is getting and how much we need to change things. ... The only way to change is to vote Republican."

 

Punch line: "Vote Republican"? And put more men like über-GOPer Beverly Russell in charge of the country?

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Russell:

 

Our fathers have sinned, and are not; and we have borne their iniquities.

 

The joy of our heart is ceased; our dance is turned into mourning.

 

-- Lamentations 5:7, 15

 

 

 Jack Ryan

 

Multimillionaire; 2004 Republican candidate for Illinois U.S. Senate race; divorcé

 

Why he's here: Divorced. One of the three divorced candidates (out of a total of four) for the same Senate seat.

 

Punishment in this life: He doesn't get to sleep with ex-wife anymore -- blonde hottie Jeri Ryan ("Star Trek: Voyager"; "Boston Public"), who now lives alone with their young son. (In truth, Jack was pretty broken up over the divorce.)

 

Saving grace: Ryan isn't the worst of the lot, by far; he's more progressive than most, particularly on gay rights. "If you are taking care of your family, being nice to your neighbors  and working hard, I'm for you. Under our constitution, under our God, everybody should be treated the same way," he told Eriz Zorn in the Chicago Tribune. (Jeri is even more pro-gay; she made her first appearance at the GLAAD Awards not long before she and Ryan split.) Thus, we have hope that one day Mr. Ryan may see the light and abandon the Greedy Old Party.

 

Why we almost actually like him: Anybody who gets slammed by the Radical Religious Right for the most vacuous reason is okay in our book. And Jack got slammed, big-time, by "family values" zealots "waiting for a full explanation" about his financial backing of Jeri's 1997 movie Men Cry Bullets, decried as "racy" by detractors (even though Jeri doesn't do anything even remotely "racy" in the flick). Family Institute head Peter LaBarbera told Chicago Daily Herald, "This is a spousal nightmare ... He had a Hollywood wife. And we all know where Hollywood is today." (Yeah, Pete, we all know where Hollywood is today -- in the 21st century, while you and your ilk are stuck in the 1600s, still burning witches.)

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Ryan:

 

Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.

 

-- Song of Solomon 8:6

 

 

 Jim Oberweis

 

Millionaire; 2004 Republican candidate for Illinois U.S. Senate race; divorcé

 

Why he's here: Divorced. One of the three divorced candidates (out of a total of four) for the same Senate seat.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Oberweis:

 

If a man vow a vow unto the LORD, or swear an oath to bind his soul with a bond; he shall not break his word, he shall do according to all that proceedeth out of his mouth.

 

-- Numbers 30:2

 

 

End of McCain to Oberweis

Next: Scarborough to Stangeland

 

Conservative Babylon, Part 1
Sex and the Not-So-Single Republican
McCain to Oberweis 6:26:45 PM
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FLASH: Sen. Paul Simon (D-Ill.) Dead

Senator Paul Simon Dies. Paul Simon, the bow-tie-wearing missionary's son who rose from crusading newspaper owner to U.S. senator and presidential aspirant, died Tuesday, a day after undergoing heart surgery. He was 75. Simon's daughter confirmed his death at St. John's Hospital in Springfield, according to Peter Alexander, the law school dean at Southern Illinois University, where Simon started a public policy institute after his retirement. ... Simon was a bespectacled, slightly rumpled man with a strong reputation for honesty, a politician who began disclosing his personal finances in the 1950s. He had the sober, straight-laced bearing of a Sunday school teacher and wrote 22 books, including "Advice & Consent," published in 1992. Simon blended fiscal conservatism and social liberalism. ... "To be a liberal doesn't mean you're a wastrel," said Simon, citing the words of a political mentor, former Sen. Paul Douglas of Illinois. ... In 1953, Simon decided to run for the Illinois legislature. Though he declared himself a Republican and endorsed Thomas E. Dewey over Harry Truman in a 1948 editorial, Simon made a fundamental concession to the local political climate: He ran as a Democrat. ... [NBC5.com, December 9, 2003]

 

Aw, damn!

 

"He had good innings," as my other half would say, but I'm still very sorry to see him go. I didn't always agree with Simon on everything, but he was a good, good man, and more deserving of respect than most of his contemporaries. And although he retired from public office in '97, his death is still a true loss -- to both sides of the aisle.

 

R.I.P., Senator. Thanks for all your hard work.

 

FLASH: Sen. Paul Simon (D-Ill.) Dead 1:33:46 PM
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Conservative Babylon, Part 1
Sex and the Not-So-Single Republican
Hinson to Lukens

Previous entry: Davis to Gunderson

Remember, kids:

These are the God-fearin' righties who want to

legislate your morality and "family values":

 

 

 Jon Hinson (R-Miss.)

 

Closet homo; adulterer

 

Moral apex: Newly wedded (to a woman), he was arrested at a D.C. gay bar in 1976. A year later, escaped a fire in a gay porn theatre.

 

Amazing fact: Forced out of closet during 1980 re-election run, was actually re-elected (but only because a third candidate split the Democratic vote; Hinson won with 39%.)

 

But then: Was arrested again in 1981 on charges of attempted oral sodomy. In a men's room. In a House office building. Resigned.

 

The good news: Now outed, he got involved with gay rights.

 

The bad news: Died of AIDS in 1995.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Hinson:

 

And if ye go to war in your land against the enemy that oppresseth you, then ye shall blow an alarm with the trumpets; and ye shall be remembered before the LORD your God, and ye shall be saved from your enemies.

 

-- Numbers 10:9

 

 

 Michael Huffington (R-Calif.)

 

Rich Beverly Hills jet-setter; adulterer; closet homo

 

Moral apex: Columnist-wife Arianna dumped him when she found out he was cheating on her.

 

Punch line: With other men.

 

Where he is now: Political limbo. Served one term in CA state legislature. Lost Senate race to Dianne Feinstein. Got caught cheating. Came out. Toyed with the idea of becoming a Democrat. Threw hat into California gubernatorial circus. Pulled out. Doesn't seem to know what to do with his life.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Huffington:

 

And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock.

 

-- Matthew 7:25

 

 

 Tim Hutchinson (R-Ark.)

 

U.S. Senator; adulterer

 

Moral apex: Dumped wife of 29 years (& mother of his three sons) for a younger woman -- one of his own office staffers.

 

Punch line: He's also a Southern Baptist minister.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Hutchinson:

 

The wind shall eat up all thy pastors, and thy lovers shall go into captivity: surely then shalt thou be ashamed and confounded for all thy wickedness.

 

-- Jeremiah 22:22

 

 

 Henry Hyde (R-Ill.)

 

Chair, House Judiciary Committee; adulterer; homewrecker; liar; stunning hypocrite

 

Moral apex: In late 1960s, had five-year affair with one Cherie Snodgrass. Who was married. And had three children.

 

Justification: Blew off affair as a "youthful indiscretion."

 

Punch line: Hyde was 41 at the time of his "youthful indiscretion."

 

And: He was married, too.

 

And: Snodgrass was 12 years his junior.

 

How he did it: At first, told Snodgrass he was single; gave her an apartment, lavished her with gifts.

 

End result: When caught out, destroyed Snodgrass' marriage. Still, affair continued another two and a half years or so under Mrs. Hyde's nose.

 

Addendum: Snodgrass said she knew she wasn't Hyde's only mistress.

 

Great moments in hypocrisy #1: Hyde was chief prosecutor in President Clinton's impeachment trial.

 

Great moments in hypocrisy #1: Hyde the Homewrecker is a co-sponsor of the proposed constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriages.

 

Memorable observation:

 

"These politicians were going on about how he should have been on the Supreme Court, what a great man he is, how we're lucky to have him in Congress in charge of the impeachment case. And all I can think of is here is this man, this hypocrite who broke up my family."

 

-- Fred Snodgrass, ex-husband of Hyde's mistress, to Salon.com

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Hyde:

 

They shall not take a wife that is a whore, or profane; neither shall they take a woman put away from her husband: for he is holy unto his God.

 

-- Leviticus 21:7

 

 

 William Janklow (R-S.D.)

 

Former Governor of South Dakota, 1979-1986 and 1995-2002; anti-AIMer; reckless driver; killer

 

Boys will be boys moment: In 1955, at age 16, appeared in juvenile court (Moody County, South Dakota) for allegedly assaulting a 17-year-old girl. Janklow denied charge was rape, but inadvertently tipped off public with smug statement, "It didn't go that far, but it was preliminary to that sort of thing." Charge dropped, records sealed.

 

Not-so-youthful indiscretion: In 1967, attorney Janklow was accused of rape by Jancita Eagle Deer, 15-year-old babysitter for Janklow family. Janklow, then working for the Office of Economic Opportunities on the Rosebud Sioux reservation, denied charge, said enemies were trying to smear him.

 

Consequence: Disbarred from legal practice on Rosebud reservation in 1974 for "assault with intent to commit rape, and carnal knowledge of a female under 16."

 

Unsolved mystery: A few months after testifying in Tribal Court that she was raped at gunpoint by Janklow, Jancita Eagle was found dead, struck down by a car near Aurora, Nebraska -- inexplicably, hundreds of miles from home.

 

What happened next: Janklow lost libel suit and attempt to block publication of book, In the Spirit of Crazy Horse by Peter Matthiessen, exposing alleged crimes.

 

Perverse injustice: Janklow's animosity toward AIM [American Indian Movement] worked to plan; he garnered more support from bigoted white voters, won two gubernatorial races, and then the state's only congressional seat.

 

Now appearing: In a kangaroo court destined to let him off the hook for running a stop sign at 75mph and killing a motorcyclist. (Janklow's long and well-documented history of speeding and recklessness behind the wheel will not be allowed as evidence; plus, his lawyer is blaming the incident on Janklow's diabetic condition.) Stop the presses! Janklow has just been convicted of second-degree manslaughter, reckless driving, running a stop sign and speeding, and has announced his resignation, effective January 20, 2004. Good God, there is justice!

 

Memorable quote:

 

"'The only way to deal with the Indian problem in America is to put a gun in the AIM leaders' heads and pull the trigger."

 

-- 1974

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Janklow:

 

For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all.

 

-- James 2:10

 

 

 Jack Kemp (R-N.Y.)

 

18-year congressman from New York; Secretary of Housing and Urban Development under Bush I; running mate to failed presidential candidate Bob Dole; founder, ultra-right org Empower America; divorcé

 

Why he's here: You'll hear a lot about Kemp's marriage, four children, and 14 children -- but you seldom hear anything about his first wife.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Kemp:

 

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

 

-- Genesis 2:24

 

 

 Henry Kissinger

 

U.S. Secretary of State under Nixon & Ford (1973-77); divorcé; skirt-chaser; scary guy

 

Moral apex: Impossible to know, but we vote for Cambodia. Oops, sorry, no sex there. So, for our immediate purposes, let's leave it at a 1964 divorce and a 1974 re-marriage, peppered with lots of screwing around.

 

Three little words: Jill St. John.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Kissinger:

 

The mouth of a righteous man is a well of life: but violence covereth the mouth of the wicked.

 

-- Proverbs 10:11

 

 

 Jim Kolbe (R-Ariz.)

 

Moral apex: Closet homo outed by respected journalist Kurt Wolfe...

 

Height of hypocrisy: ...after he voted in favor of anti-gay Defense of Marriage Act.

 

Good news: Said he was "relieved" to be out.

 

Bad news: He's still a Republican.

 

Republican logic: Used convoluted "states' rights" argument to defend DoMA vote.

 

Eating their own: After Kolbe admitted he was gay, ultra-right-wing American Family Association petitioned for Kolbe's arrest under (now-defunct) Arizona state sodomy law.

 

See also: Mark Foley, Jim McCrery.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Kolbe:

 

Envy thou not the oppressor, and choose none of his ways.

 

-- Proverbs 3:31

 

 

 Ernie Konnyu (R-Calif.)

 

Moral apex: Career ended in 1987 after two former aides detailed sexual harassment to the media.

 

Good news: Repeat: Career ended.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Konnyu:

 

The wise shall inherit glory: but shame shall be the promotion of fools.

 

-- Proverbs 3:35

 

 

 Steve LaTourette (R-Ohio)

 

Adulterer

 

Moral apex: Extramarital affair with Washington lobbyist led to divorce after 21 years of marriage (and four kids).

 

Kind consideration: When wife pleaded for reconciliation & marriage counseling, he said no thanks, and asked for divorce. Over the phone.

 

Punch line: Serves on the Standards of Official Conduct Committee.

 

Memorable observation:

 

"I think Washington corrupts people. He was a wonderful husband and father, the best I ever saw, until he went there. I told him I was trying to get him out of the dark side, all that power and greed and people kissing up to them all time. Now he’s one of them. All they care about is getting reelected. I hate them all."

 

-- Susan LaTourette, quote in The Hill

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. LaTourette:

 

Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well.

 

-- Proverbs 5:15

 

 

 Alan L. LeDoux

 

Former Kansas Water Office chief; well-known Republican activist; rapist

 

Moral apex: Convicted in 2003 of aggravated criminal sodomy, aggravated kidnapping and aggravated burglary.

 

What's worse: A plea bargain dismissed the charge of rape.

 

What's worse: Holding a knife to her throat, he blindfolded, duct-taped, and raped his victim in her own bed.

 

What's worse: The victim was a member of LeDoux's wife's family, whom LeDoux described as "a woman who had treated me with nothing but grace."

 

What's worse: The victim said she "thought of LeDoux as a brother and a father-figure to her son and daughter."

 

The good news: LeDoux is now serving 10 to 26.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. LeDoux:

 

The sons of Jacob came upon the slain, and spoiled the city, because they had defiled their sister.

 

-- Genesis 34:27

 

 

 Bob Livingston (R-La.)

 

Adulterer

 

Moral apex: Multiple extramarital affairs. Alleged BDSM dirty talk captured on audio tape now in possession of Hustler publisher Larry Flynt.

 

Punch line: Was scheduled replacement for fellow serial diddler Newt Gingrich as Speaker of the House. Resigned, suddenly -- one day after sexual peccadilloes came to light.

 

Memorable quote:

 

"I have on occasion strayed from my marriage, and doing so nearly cost me my marriage and my family."

 

-- Quoted in The Flynt Report, 1999

 

Fun fact: According to those who've heard the tape, Livingston is sexually submissive.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Livingston:

 

And they shall deal with thee hatefully, and shall take away all thy labour, and shall leave thee naked and bare: and the nakedness of thy whoredoms shall be discovered, both thy lewdness and thy whoredoms.

 

-- Ezekiel 23:29

 

 

 Thatcher Longstreth

 

Philadelphia City Councilman; prominent local Republican; adulterer

 

Moral apex: In 2001, dumped wheelchair-bound wife for another woman... after 60 years of marriage.

 

Addendum: Longstreth was 80 at the time he announced his intention to marry his 51-year-old bit of fluff.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Longstreth:

 

Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.

 

-- Proverbs 5:18-19

 

 

 Donald "Buzz" Lukens (R-Ohio)

 

Conservative activist; child molester; groper; john

 

Moral apex: A local Ohio TV station broke story that Lukens had been paying a woman for the sexual services of the woman's teenage daughter. Lukens got off with one month in jail (he was found guilty of contributing to the delinquency of a minor). Despite GOP pressure, refused to resign office.

 

Reprise, and finale: Finally resigned after he was caught fondling a Capitol elevator operator.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Lukens:

 

What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.

 

-- 1 Corinthians 6:16

 

Suggested Bible reading for the girl's mother:

 

Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the land fall to whoredom, and the land become full of wickedness.

 

-- Leviticus 19:29

 

 

End of Hinson to Lukens

Next: McCain to Oberweis

 

Conservative Babylon, Part 1
Sex and the Not-So-Single Republican
Hinson to Lukens 11:17:44 AM
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---

Conservative Babylon, Part 1
Sex and the Not-So-Single Republican
Davis to Gunderson

Previous entry: Bush to Chmura

Remember, kids:

These are the God-fearin' righties who want to

legislate your morality and "family values":

 

 

 Gilbert Davis

 

Attorney for Clinton accuser Paula Jones; failed candidate for Attorney General of Virginia; campaigning again for 2004

 

Moral apex: Allowed himself to be videotaped in Roanoke, VA, hotel room, drunk, while instructing a female client to disrobe.

 

Memorable quote:

 

"That is what you want to do. Take all your clothes off and expose your body."

 

-- From the aforementioned videotape

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Davis:

 

And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger?

 

-- Proverbs 5:20

 

 

 Doug Dean (R-Colo.)

 

Colorado state legislator; anti-choice/anti-contraception/abstinence-only crusader; Christian Coalition elbow-rubber; self-admittedly "extraordinarily partisan"; adulterer; stalker

 

Moral apex: Divorcé, who had hot pants for female lobbyists, went ape after live-in lover (a lobbyist, of course) dumped him in 2001. Broke into her home, lay in wait for ex-squeeze, then scared all hell out of her when she arrived, and chased her down street, brandishing screwdriver. She found refuge at neighbor's, called cops. Silly woman dropped charges.

 

Backstory: One-time house painter who got into politics through then-wife's employment with super-duper-ultra-hard-right org, James Dobson's Focus on the Family.

 

More juice, from Colorado Springs Independent: "[Though he claims he rents a room from a friend in El Paso County to maintain his residency status, he lives year round, at the taxpayer's expense, in Denver."

 

The end: Ousted from office due to term limits; appointed Colorado insurance commissioner by fellow adulterer Bill Owens.

 

Fun fact: Advocated chemical castration for child abusers.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Dean:

 

For the congregation of hypocrites shall be desolate, and fire shall consume the tabernacles of bribery. They conceive mischief, and bring forth vanity, and their belly prepareth deceit.

 

-- Job 15:34-35

 

 

 Richard Delgaudio

 

President, Legal Affairs Council; high-profile Republican fund-raiser; conservative commentator; statutory rapist; child pornographer

 

Moral apex: Arrested in 2001 when caught with book of obscene photos he had taken of underage girls. In 2003, pleaded guilty to production of child pornography.

 

Gory details: Took photos of himself having sex with 16-year-old Baltimore girl.

 

Lucky break: Additional evidence showed Delgaudio took dirty photos of "at least one other, younger teenager," but evidence inadmissible because police violated search-and-seizure rules.

 

Memorable quote:

 

"A lawbreaker and a terrible example to our nation's young people."

 

-- Delgaudio, referring to President Clinton

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Delgaudio:

 

A man shall be commended according to his wisdom: but he that is of a perverse heart shall be despised.

 

-- Proverbs 12:8

 

 

 Bob Dole

 

Former Senator; U.S. Vice President under Bush I; failed presidential candidate; Viagra spokesman; adulterer

 

Moral apex: Dumped first wife Phyllis to marry Libby, with whom he had been having a four-year affair. Not that Phyllis would have noticed his absence; during the last three years of their in-name-only marriage, he was home exactly once, for dinner. Oh, sorry, make that twice: The second time he was home was to tell her he was leaving her. (Hey, at least, he did it in person, unlike some of his colleagues who dumped their wives via phone and e-mail.)

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Dole:  

 

And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her.

 

-- Mark 10:11

 

 Elizabeth "Libby" Dole (R-N.C.)

 

U.S. Senator from North Carolina; Secretary of of Transportation under Ronald Reagan; Secretary of Labor under Bush I; former President of the American Red Cross; wife of Bob Dole; adulterer

 

Moral apex: See Bob Dole, above.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Ms. Dole:  None at the moment. With her right-moderate stance on choice and still-burgeoning campaign toward equal rights for women, we're hoping she'll wake up and turn Dem one day. Almost a feminist, she's got a long way to go, however, before she comprehends the sort of democracy that's good for the people, what with her Bush-like takes on foreign policy, nukes, and free trade. She's against same-sex marriage, but she could be redeemed. At least she'll hire queers. In the end, she's more a traditional conservative, rather than these fruitcakes you're used to seeing lately. Doesn't make her right; just means you could probably share a conversation without screaming.

 

Verdict: Wait and see.

 

 

 Bob Dornan (R-Calif.)

 

Failed presidential candidate; anti-choice, anti-union, anti-NEA, anti-PBS, anti-gay extremist; adulterer; wife beater

 

Moral apex: Cheating and beating caused his wife to file -- and withdraw -- divorce papers (and at least one restraining order) four times in 14 years.

 

Divine retribution: He was finally kicked out of his state seat by Democratic Mexican-American Loretta Sanchez. Dornan is none too fond of non-white people, nor women; he called supporters of his first female opponent "lesbian spearchuckers."

 

Fun fact #1: Once implied that Barry Goldwater's son engaged in bestiality.

 

Fun fact #2: Told liberal candidates the way to win was "by proclaiming you are a sodomite and engage [sic] in anal sex all the time."

 

Memorable quote:

 

"What beat me was more homosexual money than in any race in history, including from a group called Lesbians for Motherhood."

 

-- Sour grapes, after losing to pro-gay Loretta Sanchez

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Dornan:

 

For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

 

-- Galatians 5:14

 

 

 Thomas Evans (R-Del.)

 

Fornicator

 

Moral apex: In 1981, shacked up in a Florida cottage with Rep. Tom Railsback (R-Ill.), Rep. Dan Quayle (R-Ind.) and insurance-industry lobbyist Paula Parkinson.

 

What happened: Of the three, only Evans admitted to having sex with Parkinson. Whatever happened, all three congressmen voted against a federal crop-insurance bill that Parkinson had been lobbying against.

 

What happened next: Evans was voted out of office in '82. Parkinson posed for Playboy.

 

See also: Dan Quayle, who's not off the hook.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Evans:

 

For the congregation of hypocrites shall be desolate, and fire shall consume the tabernacles of bribery.

 

-- Job 15:34

 

 

 Mark Foley (R-Fla.)

 

Moral apex: Closet homo outed by respected journalist Kurt Wolfe...

 

Height of hypocrisy: ...after he voted in favor of anti-gay Defense of Marriage Act.

 

End result: Still denies he's gay.

 

See also: Jim Kolbe, Jim McCrery.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Foley:

 

Thou hast heard, see all this; and will not ye declare it? I have shewed thee new things from this time, even hidden things, and thou didst not know them.

 

-- Isaiah 48:6

 

 

 Kirk Fordice

 

First Republican Governor of Mississippi since 1874; "pro-business redneck" (as described by one Republican strategist); Confederate flag waver; big-time Clinton-basher; adulterer

 

The mystery: Suffered serious injuries in 1996 when he flipped his Jeep Cherokee on a trip from Memphis, Tenn., to Jackson, Miss. Refused to discuss the circumstances of the accident with anyone. Swore he had amnesia; that was his story, and he was sticking to it.

 

The truth: He was in Memphis for a clandestine rendezvous with a woman he wasn't married to. (Wife Pat was in France at the time.) Everybody knew he was shacking up with some broad long before his road wreck; the accident just pushed the issue out into the open.

 

Result: Wife Pat told press Kirk had been fixing up a home for himself and his new girlfriend, but that there would be no divorce -- at least not until after he finished his second term as governor, three years hence. (In truth, Pat didn't want a divorce at all; "I will proudly continue serving as First Lady unless forced from the position," she said.) Kirk finally spoke up, too; first he said the Fordices were working to "strengthen" their marriage -- and then one-eightyed, apparently wanting to get the divorce (& remarriage) over with.

 

Height of hypocrisy: Was a major critic of President Clinton for the Lewinsky affair.

 

Last stand: In final State of the State address, compared Mississippi state legislature to former Soviet Union. Audience sat in stone silence.

 

Fun fact: Wanted to bring chain gangs back to Mississippi, and turn the state into the "capital of capital punishment." (White rural Christian voters loved him for this.)

 

Memorable observation:

 

"We had to rein him in. He was throwing dirt at Clinton, but the wind was pushing it right back in his face."

 

-- Unnamed Republican quoted in the Washington Post

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Fordice:

 

The eye also of the adulterer waiteth for the twilight, saying, No eye shall see me: and disguiseth his face.

 

-- Job 24:15

 

 

 Richard Gardner

 

Republican candidate for Nevada state assembly, 2002; child molester; incest perp

 

Moral apex: Convicted in California in 1988 for lewd and lascivious behavior with a child under the age of 14 -- a felony sex crime.

 

What's worse: The victim was his own 12-year-old daughter.

 

What's worse: Investigation led to exposure of two additional sex-crime convictions, one involving the same daughter, and one involving another daughter under age 14.

 

Twinkie defense: Admitted he "had a problem," and was quick to note he turned himself in (but only after his bishop told him to), and "was never arrested."

 

Free pass: Released on own recognizance, given parole, never served jail time.

 

Divine consequence: Felony conviction rendered him ineligible not only to vote, but ineligible to run for office.

 

What happened next: Gardner's exposure came too late to get his name off the ballot -- but he lost anyway (to Democratic incumbent Ellen Koivisto).

 

Fun fact #1: In Nevada, filing to run for office when you're ineligible to run is a felony in itself, and an ineligible filer's signed declaration of eligibility translates to perjury.

 

Fun fact #2: Gardner's e-mail address is (or was then) dickycando@hotmail.com.

 

Suggested Bible readings for Mr. Gardner:

 

Jesus wept.

-- John 11:35

 

  

 Newt Gingrich (R-Ga.)

 

Speaker of the House under Ronald Reagan; adulterer; divorcé; hypocrite; creep

 

Moral apex: Multiple extramarital affairs & paid trysts with prostitutes. Serial divorcé.

 

Depends on what the definition of "is" is moment: Campaign worker Anne Manning told Vanity Fair in 1977 that she gave Newt head during his first marriage. Said Manning: "We had oral sex. He prefers that modus operandi because then he can say, 'I never slept with her.'"

 

Rearranging deck chairs: Dumped first wife Jackie to marry second wife Marianne. Dumped second wife Marianne to marry third wife Callista, with whom he'd been having a five-year affair. Yet, during affair with Callista, dedicated his 1998 book, Lessons Learned the Hard Way, to Marianne, "the woman I love" and "my best friend and closest advisor."

 

Height of hypocrisy: Was humping congressional aide Callista Bisek (23 years his junior) in his D.C. apartment while publicly condemning President Clinton for his affair with Monica Lewinsky.

 

Peak of compassionate conservatism: Served Jackie divorce papers while she was in hospital bed, just out of surgery for uterine cancer.

 

Memorable observation:

 

"'Sorry about the cancer darling, but about that divorce' delivered to his wife in a hospital doesn't quite capture the 'in sickness and in health' line of the sacred marriage vows he swore to uphold."

 

-- Clinton Fein

"Marriage, Once," HERO Magazine

 

Reprise of compassionate conservatism: After Marianne was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, Newt asked her for divorce. By phone. On Mother's Day, 1999.

 

Fun fact #1: Co-sponsored federal Defense of Marriage Act.

 

Fun fact #2: His half-sister is a lesbian, LGBT-rights activist Candace Gingrich.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Gingrich:

 

I have seen also in the prophets of Jerusalem an horrible thing: they commit adultery, and walk in lies: they strengthen also the hands of evildoers, that none doth return from his wickedness; they are all of them unto me as Sodom, and the inhabitants thereof as Gomorrah.

 

-- Jeremiah 23:14

 

 

 Philip A. Giordano

 

Ex-Mayor, Waterbury, Connecticut; failed Republican U.S. Senate candidate; child molester

 

Moral apex: Arraigned in 2001 on 14 federal counts of sex with children (plus additional charges of civil-rights violations).

 

What's worse: The two children, both girls, were just 8 and 10 years old.

 

The good news: Giordano was convicted on 17 out of 18 federal charges in 2003, and sentenced to 37 years.

 

Even better news: That was just for his federal convictions. The state of Connecticut isn't through with him yet.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Giordano:

 

But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

 

-- Matthew 18:6

 

 

 Rudolph Giuliani

 

Former Mayor of New York; adulterer

 

Moral apex: Tried to beat wife Donna Hanover to the punch by filing for divorce first, charging her with cruelty. She turned around and charged him with "open and notorious adultery," referring to his very-public affair with main squeeze Judith Nathan. This was aside from an earlier affair Hanover said Rudy had with a female staffer.

 

What's worse: Rudy brought Nathan home to the Gracie Mansion -- while Donna was still in residence.

 

When the smoke cleared: Donna ended up with the kids, a massive cash settlement ($6.8 million), and around $20K a month in alimony and child support.

 

Twist of fate: Rudy, already an unpopular mayor further shamed by a dirty-laundry airing, was snatched from the jaws of disgrace by masterful handling of September 11th attacks.

 

Memorable observation:

 

"[I]n April 1999, in the sixth year of his term-limited mayoralty, Giuliani had only a 40 percent approval rating from the people he governed, who knew him best. A year later his divorce lawyer was savagely attacking his wife, Donna Hanover, while the Mayor was flaunting his mistress in public. He even brought his girlfriend into the Mayor's residence, Gracie Mansion, while his wife was still residing there. They don't allow this kind of behavior in trailer parks!"

 

-- Democratic Party of Orange County, Florida

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Giuliani:

 

In the multitude of people is the king's honour: but in the want of people is the destruction of the prince.

 

-- Proverbs 14:28

 

 

 Matthew Glavin

 

President and CEO, Southeastern Legal Foundation; anti-gay crusader & prominent Clinton-impeachment campaigner; closet homo; hypocrite of the first water

 

Moral apex: Arrested twice for public indecency in well-known gay-cruise area of a Chattahoochee River trail area, once in 1996 (a no-contest plea got him six months' probation and a $1,000 fine) and once in 2000.

 

Translation: He masturbated in front of an undercover federal agent, and tried to fondle the (male) officer.

 

Punch line: Southeastern Legal Foundation argued in support of the Boy Scouts of America' anti-gay policy, led the charge to have President Clinton disbarred, and has fought to overturn Atlanta's affirmative-action laws and the city's domestic-partnership benefits plan.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Glavin:  

 

And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

 

-- Matthew 5:30

 

 

 Phil Gramm (R-Tex.)

 

Democrat-turned-Republican; divorcé; anti-gay crusader; porn producer

 

Moral apex: Invested $7,500 (some sources say $15,000) in porn movie, Beauty Queens, in 1974. Movie was shelved, but Gramm left investment alone, to be used in director's next feature.

 

Punch line #1: Gramm's money was finally put to use to make White House Wedding, an X-rated "anti-Nixon" movie.

 

Punch line #2: White House Wedding was written by founder of the Cockettes, explicit gay San Francisco performance group.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Gramm:

 

He that soweth iniquity shall reap vanity: and the rod of his anger shall fail.

 

-- Proverbs 22:8

 

 

 Mark A. Grethen

 

Virginia Republican activist; child molester

 

Moral apex: Convicted in 2002 on six counts of sex crimes against children.

 

Punch line: The National Republican Congressional Committee was about to present their "Republican of the Year" award to Grethen; of course, the committee withdrew the prize.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Grethen:

 

And Reuben answered them, saying, Spake I not unto you, saying, Do not sin against the child; and ye would not hear? therefore, behold, also his blood is required.

 

-- Genesis 42:22

 

 

 Steve Gunderson (R-Wis.)

 

Christian Coalitionist; closet homo; self-defeating quitter

 

Moral apex: Outed by Time magazine in 1994. Decided not to run for re-election in 1996.

 

Surprise twist #1: Voters wanted him anyway, so he said he'd run if he were unchallenged. He was challenged, so he refused to file for re-election.

 

Surprise twist #2: Voters still wanted him, so started write-in campaign.

 

No-so-surprise twist #1: Now that he was out, GOP wanted him really out, so Newt Gingrich let him know that if ran, anti-gay crusader Paul Weyrich would start gunning for him.

 

No-so-surprise twist #2: Gunderson quit, once and for all.

 

Divine justice: To his credit, Gunderson refused to endorse the Republican the GOP ran, either, and the party lost Gunderson's seat to a Democrat.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Gunderson:

 

Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.

 

-- Deuteronomy 31:6

 

 

 

End of Davis to Gunderson

Next: Hinson to Lukens

 

Conservative Babylon, Part 1
Sex and the Not-So-Single Republican
Davis to Gunderson 1:49:41 AM
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---

Conservative Babylon, Part 1
Sex and the Not-So-Single Republican
Bush to Chmura

Previous entry: Ankeney to Burton

Remember, kids:

These are the God-fearin' righties who want to

legislate your morality and "family values":

 

 

 George H. W. Bush

 

41st President of the United States; Vice President under Ronald Reagan; former CIA Director

 

Two words: Jennifer Fitzgerald.

 

Memorable quote:

 

Q. Mr. Bush, uncomfortable as the subject is, I would think it's one in which you feel a necessity to respond because you've said that family values, character, are likely to be important in the Presidential campaign. There is an extensive series of reports in today's New York Post alleging that a former U.S. Ambassador, a man now deceased, had told several persons that he arranged for a sexual tryst involving you and one of your female staffers in Geneva in 1984.

 

The President: I'm not going to take any sleazy questions like that from CNN. I am very disappointed that you would ask such a question of me, and I will not respond to it. I haven't responded in the past. I think it's -- I'm outraged. But nevertheless, in this kind of screwy climate we're in, why, I expect it. But I don't like it, and I'm not going to respond other than to say it's a lie.

 

-- News conference with Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin

Kennebunkport, August 11, 1992

From the George Bush Presidential Library and Museum

 

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Bush:

 

He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.

 

-- Proverbs 28:13

 

Bonus Bible reading for Mr. Bush:

 

He that begetteth a fool doeth it to his sorrow: and the father of a fool hath no joy.

 

-- Proverbs 17:21

 

 

 George W. Bush

 

Failed businessman; son of the 41st President of the United States; current occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

 

Moral apex: Sorry, can't list everything. Only so much disk space, you know. Besides, we can't delve into any of Junior's alleged sexual peccadilloes (like, oh, his alleged extramarital affair with one Tammy Phillips, which reportedly began in 1997 and ended in 1999) without worrying about a late-night knock at the door.

 

Besides, Bush's verifiable crimes are so voluminous, allegations of a lousy extramarital affair (or three, or ten) mean nothing by comparison. Remember the mantra, babes: When Clinton lied, nobody died.

 

So let's just leave it at this...

 

Memorable quote:

 

"Pussy."

 

-- At the Republican National Convention in 1988, when asked by a Hartford Courant reporter what he and his father talked about when they weren't discussing politics (as reported by Salon).

 

Suggested Bible readings for Mr. Bush:

 

This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.

 

-- 2 Timothy 3:1-5

 

 

 Jeb Bush

 

Governor of Florida; son of the 41st President of the United States; younger brother of current occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

 

Funny business: Appointed former Playboy bunny Cynthia Henderson as head of Florida Department of Business and Professional Regulation (which oversees sale of alcoholic beverages). Switched her to Secretary of Department of Management Services. Stood by the much-hated Henderson throughout numerous ethics complaints against her (one co-worker claimed she choked him); no one can understand why, unless those widely-reported (and vehemently-denied) rumors of an affair are true.

 

Denouement: Henderson quit state government in 2002, after four turbulent years, to "spend more time with family" (which is political-speak meaning she was asked to resign before she was fired).

 

Conclusion: Where there's smoke, there's usually fire -- but, frankly, daughter Noelle's repeated drug crimes make for much more interesting story.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Bush:

 

Do not be misled: "Bad company corrupts good character."

 

-- 1 Corinthians 15:33

 

 

 Neil Bush

 

Crooked businessman who figured heavily in 1980s U.S. savings & loan collapse; son of the 41st President of the United States; younger brother of current occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue; adulterer; homewrecker

 

Moral apex: Dumped wife Sharon (after 23 years & three kids) for married mistress Maria Andrews. Broke up Andrews marriage. May or may not have fathered Andrews' two-year-old son; paternity suit pending. Admitted to multiple "sex romps" all over in Asia with presumed prostitutes -- but swears he's never paid for sex; women just showed up and had sex with him. Lucky guy, eh?

 

Icing on the cake: Asked Sharon for divorce by e-mail.

 

Liberal Schadenfreude moment: Messy divorce case splashed all over the press.

 

Memorable quote:

 

Marshall Davis Brown, attorney for Sharon Bush: "Mr. Bush, you have to admit it's a pretty remarkable thing for a man just to go to a hotel room door and open it and have a woman standing there and have sex with her."

 

Bush: "It was very unusual."

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Bush:

 

And shall receive the reward of unrighteousness, as they that count it pleasure to riot in the day time. Spots they are and blemishes, sporting themselves with their own deceivings while they feast with you; Having eyes full of adultery, and that cannot cease from sin; beguiling unstable souls: an heart they have exercised with covetous practices; cursed children:

 

-- 2 Peter 2:13-14

 

 

 George Harrold Carswell

 

Segregationist; federal appeals court judge; failed Nixon nominee to the U.S. Supreme Court; criminal

 

Moral apex: Arrested in 1976 for making a pass at an undercover cop in men's room at a Tallahassee, Florida, shopping mall.

 

What happened next: He checked himself into a psych ward.

 

In the end: "Lewd and lascivious act" charges dropped; convicted of simple battery.

 

Strange twist: As recounted by George Painter ("The Sensibilities of Our Forefathers: The History of Sodomy Laws in the United States"): "As a result of this arrest, police discovered that Carswell had known a gay teacher murdered just two weeks after Carswell's nomination to the Supreme Court was made by President Nixon. The teacher, when found dead, was wearing a watch that had belonged to Carswell's son."

 

Fun fact #1: According to Rainbow Lives: "The rest room where he was arrested became a popular local tourist attraction and eventually had to be closed."

 

Fun fact #2: He wasn't rejected by the Senate for being gay or anything like that; part of the problem was his segregationist stance, but mostly, he was rejected for being too "mediocre."

 

Memorable observation:

 

"Even if he is mediocre, there are a lot of mediocre judges and people and lawyers. They are entitled to a little representation, aren't they?"

 

-- From Sen. Roman Hruska (R-Neb.)

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Carswell:

 

Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven.

 

-- Matthew 10:32

 

 

 Ken Calvert (R-Calif.)

 

Christian Coalition insider; co-sponsor of proposed constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriages

 

Moral apex: Caught in parked car with prostitute in 1993.

 

Twinkie defense: Blamed hooker head job on "depression."

 

Fun fact: He's divorced -- and welched on his alimony payments, too. Ex-wife sued.

 

Memorable quote:

 

"We can't forgive what occurred between the President and Lewinsky."

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Calvert:

 

The beginning of the word of the LORD by Hosea. And the LORD said to Hosea, Go, take unto thee a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms: for the land hath committed great whoredom, departing from the LORD.

 

-- Hosea 1:2

 

 

 Charles Canady (R-Fla.)

 

Member, House Judiciary Committee; adulterer; homewrecker

 

Moral apex: Adulterous affair with one Sharon Becker, which led to break-up of Becker's marriage. Lied about it.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Canady:

 

And He said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?

 

-- Genesis 3:11

 

 

 Dick Cheney

 

Vice President of the United States; former U.S. Secretary of Defense; second in line to the Oval Office

 

Moral apex: Hideously anti-gay on all levels; opposes all civil-rights laws benefiting LGBT people; once wanted to criminalize homosexuality.

 

Punch line: His daughter is a lesbian.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Cheney:

 

Yea, they sacrificed their sons and their daughters unto devils, And shed innocent blood, even the blood of their sons and of their daughters, whom they sacrificed unto the idols of Canaan: and the land was polluted with blood.

 

-- Psalm 106:37-38

 

 

 Lynne Cheney

 

Wife of Dick Cheney; anti-liberal crusader; liar

 

Moral apex: Actually denied daughter's lesbianism, despite fact that daughter has been out of the closet for years.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mrs. Cheney:

 

And ye shall be betrayed both by parents, and brethren, and kinsfolks, and friends; and some of you shall they cause to be put to death.

 

-- Luke 21:16

 

 

 Helen Chenoweth (R-Ida.)

 

Hypocrite; divorcée; adulterer; liar

 

Moral apex: Divorcée romped in the sheets for six years with very-much-married anti-government right-winger Vernon Ravenscroft. Then lied about it. Then lied about lying about it. But she says it's all okay, because God's forgiven her.

 

Punch line: This big-time (and big-haired) Clinton-hater ran an attack ad against her Democratic rival Dan Williams, who didn't lie about his one-time marital infidelity (and got crucified for it)

 

Memorable quote:

 

"Our founding fathers knew that political leaders' personal conduct must be held to the highest standards. President Clinton's behavior has severely damaged his ability to lead our nation, and the free world. To restore honor in public office, and the trust of the American people, we must affirm that personal conduct does count, and integrity matters. Where do you stand, Dan?"

 

-- Attack ad against Dan Williams

 

Suggested Bible reading for Ms. Chenoweth:

 

For a whore is a deep ditch; and a strange woman is a narrow pit. She also lieth in wait as for a prey, and increaseth the transgressors among men.

 

-- Proverbs 23:27-28

 

 

 Jon Christensen (R-Neb.)

 

Self-described "a family-values conservative Christian"; anti-gay crusader; adulterer; divorcé

 

Moral apex: As part of divorce settlement, got his ex-wife to sign affidavit stating she was the one who had been "unfaithful."

 

Head-shaker moment: Got engaged to former Miss America Tara Dawn Holland, who swore she was a virgin, saving herself for marriage (to Christensen, of course).

 

Republican mindset: Swore he would never "appoint a gay person to a position of leadership."

 

Random acts of screwball Christianity: Passed out fliers denouncing Lincoln Mayor Mike Johanns (a fellow GOPer) of being "soft on pornography" -- because a city cable co. ran movies showing (dare I say it?) tits.

 

End result: Booted out of office by voters.

 

Bonus end result: Alienated fellow Republicans.

 

Memorable observations:

 

The Jon Christensen campaign has no moral base, no moral compass. It is win-at-any-cost politics and it is the worst of the worst ... We are seeking the highest office in the state. We are not running for sophomore class president.

 

-- Lincoln Mayor Mike Johanns

 

Nobody in the Republican Party of Nebraska can be proud of Jon Christensen's conduct, and I hate to have to say that. I hope the people of the state will get out and vote and register their feelings on the conduct of this campaign.

 

-- Senator Chuck Hagel (R-Neb.)

 

The Christensen campaign has sunk to a new low in Nebraska politics.

 

-- Rep. Doug Bereuter (R-Neb.)

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Christensen:

 

Devise not evil against thy neighbour, seeing he dwelleth securely by thee.

 

-- Proverbs 3:29

 

 

 Kevin Coan

 

Republican; Missouri election official; Internet predator

 

Moral apex: Arrested in Illinois in 2001 for offering to pay for sex over the Internet from a 14-year-old girl -- who turned out to be male police officer working a chat-room sting.

 

Twinkie defense: Coan's attorney accused Democrats of framing Coan as retribution for leading investigation into voting irregularities in St. Louis, and said Coan thought he was meeting his wife, and not underage girl, in Illinois supermarket.

 

Damning evidence: Arresting officer recognized Coan by the photo of himself Coan e-mailed to the "14-year-old."

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Coan:

 

Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.

 

-- Matthew 26:41

 

 

 John Cox

 

Lawyer; CPA; Democrat-turned-Republican (defected during Reagan era); loser in 2002 Illinois Republican Senate nomination; Republican candidate for U.S. Senate, 2004; divorcé

 

Weird fact: Cox's birth was the result of a rape; yet Cox has evaded questions about whether he's pro- or anti-choice.

 

Why he's here: Divorced. One of the three divorced candidates (out of a total of four) for the same Senate seat. Wife left him in 1999.

 

Memorable quote -- or: How to use Republican logic to turn divorce into a good thing:

 

"I was financially able to run. My wife and I were divorced, so I didn't have to worry about using the family money."

 

-- 2003 interview with the Illinois Leader

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Cox: None. Cox isn't that bad a guy -- for a Republican, that is. When he returns from the dark side and re-registers as a Democrat, we'll suggest the parable of the prodigal son.

 

 

 Mark Chmura

 

Republican activist; former Green Bay Packers football player; adulterer; statutory rapist

 

The setup: Refused to meet with President Clinton because Clinton didn't "have the moral authority to be President."

 

The spike: Chmura was arrested for raping a 17-year old girl. He was acquitted -- but that doesn't erase the fact that he A) had sex with an underage girl (in a hot tub full of boozed-up teenagers at a party), and B) was himself married at the time.

 

Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Chmura:

 

Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.

 

-- 1 Corinthians 6:18

 

 

End of Bush to Chmura

Next: Davis to Gunderson

 

Conservative Babylon, Part 1
Sex and the Not-So-Single Republican
Bush to Chmura 1:02:51 AM
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