Conservative Babylon, Part 1
Sex and the Not-So-Single Republican
McCain to Oberweis
Remember, kids:
These are the God-fearin' righties who want to
legislate your morality and "family values":
John McCain (R-Ariz.)
U.S. Senator; former presidential candidate; Vietnam War veteran & P.O.W.
Why he's here: Admitted to adultery during first marriage. Which means he's divorced, too.
Beyond that: Nothing we care to look into, because he's only one of two Republicans on this entire list for whom we have any respect whatsoever. One of these days, he's going to wake up and realize he's really a Democrat. Well, more of a Democrat than Joe Lieberman, anyway.
Jim McCrery (R-La.)
Moral apex: Closet homo outed by respected journalist Kurt Wolfe...
Height of hypocrisy: ...after he voted in favor of anti-gay Defense of Marriage Act.
End result: Still denies he's gay.
See also: Mark Foley, Jim Kolbe.
Suggested Bible reading for Mr. McCrery:
For there is no man that doeth any thing in secret, and he himself seeketh to be known openly. If thou do these things, shew thyself to the world.
-- John 7:4
John McKay (R-Fla.)
Florida Senate President; adulterer; divorcé
Moral apex: Forced to admit, during messy divorce proceedings in '96, to boinking young telecommunications lobbyist while working on bill to deregulate telecommunications industry.
What happened next: Married the lobbyist.
Divine justice: Swore affair never affected job, but still had to resign as chair of the state Ways and Means Committee.
Anything else? Yeah, but it involves a tax scandal, not sex.
Suggested Bible reading for Mr. McKay:
Thou sellest thy people for nought, and dost not increase thy wealth by their price.
-- Psalm 44:12
Guy Millner (R-Fla.)
Two-time failed gubernatorial candidate, 1994; failed U.S. Senate candidate, 1996; super-duper-born-again Christian; adulterer; divorcé
Moral apex: Married not once, not twice, but three times. (But, hey, let's give the guy a break with a little Republican logic: It means he's only been divorced twice!)
Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Millner:
Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife.
-- 1 Corinthians 7:27
Susan Molinari (R-N.Y.)
Congressional rep-turned-CBS news anchor; divorcée
Moral apex: Divorced & remarried (to former NY congressman Bill Paxon).
Fun fact: Thrilled to pieces when Bob Dole picked her as Keynote Speaker at '96 Republican National Convention. Her father, ex-state legislator Guy Molinari, was not so blind to the reason: "He [Dole] has a serious gender gap."
Suggested Bible reading for Ms. Molinari:
And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband
-- 1 Corinthians 7:10
Sue Myrick (R-N.C.)
Former mayor of Charlotte, N.C.; co-sponsor of proposed constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriages; adulterer
Moral apex: Left hubby for another man.
Punch line: Self-described "devout Christian."
Free pass: Won re-election as mayor of Charlotte anyway. Elected to Congress.
Suggested Bible reading for Ms. Myrick:
As a jewel of gold in a swine's snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion.
-- Proverbs 11:22
Bill Owens
Governor of Colorado; divorcé
Moral apex: Killed a 28-year marriage.
Consequence: Devout Catholic who made "family values" the mainstay of his platform had to back out of keynote speeches to ultra-con groups such as Focus on the Family.
Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Owens:
I have forsaken mine house, I have left mine heritage; I have given the dearly beloved of my soul into the hand of her enemies.
-- Jeremiah 12:7
Bob Packwood (R-Ore.)
U.S. Senator; pro-choice, pro-ERA, all-around pro-women's-rights Republican (!); serial groper
Moral apex: Groped and fondled several female staffers -- and tried to forcibly French-kiss a lobbyist for the National Abortion and Reproductive Rights Action League. Ten different women complained initially, in '92; more stepped forward later.
Twinkie defense: He was drunk.
Consequence: Resigned in 1995 after Senate Ethics Committee decided to expel him.
Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Packwood:
Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?
-- Proverbs 6:27
John E. Peterson (R-Pa)
Moral apex: Charged with sexual harrassment by six women.
Twinkie defense: Admits to nothing more than being "an excessive hugger."
Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Peterson:
O God, thou knowest my foolishness; and my sins are not hid from thee.
-- Psalm 69:5
Ronald Reagan
Former President of the United States; former Governor of California; former B-movie actor; adulterer; divorcé; lousy father
Moral apex: Divorced from actress Jane Wyman; married actress Nancy Davis -- but not before allegedly bedding a bevy of Hollywood starlets while still married. When not estranged from all four children, was emotionally absent for most of their lives.
Punch line: Republicans think he's God.
Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Reagan:
The way of the wicked is as darkness: they know not at what they stumble.
-- Proverbs 4:19
Nelson Rockefeller
Multimillionaire; U.S. Vice President under Gerald Ford; three-time failed presidential candidate; adulterer; divorcé
Lead-up: He and wife Happy left respective spouses to marry each other, in 1962.
Moral apex: Still married to Happy, Rocky died in 1979, reportedly in the midst of humping 25-year-old assistant, Megan Marshack, in the Manhattan apartment he helped her purchase.
Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Rockefeller:
But they that will be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition.
-- 1 Timothy 6:9
Beverly Russell
Prominent South Carolina Republican Party leader; Christian Coalition coordinator; child molester; bad father
Moral apex: Sexually abused his stepdaughter from the time was she was 15, and continued longterm incestuous (yet "consensual") relationship with her until she was about 24 -- and married, and the mother of two children.
The shocker: His stepdaughter is Susan Smith, the South Carolina woman who drowned her two baby sons (after fabricating a story about a black carjacker who took off with the kids) in a lake, in her car.
Sidebar: Newt Gingrich stated at the time of the Smith child murders: "I think that the mother killing the two children in South Carolina vividly reminds every American how sick the society is getting and how much we need to change things. ... The only way to change is to vote Republican."
Punch line: "Vote Republican"? And put more men like über-GOPer Beverly Russell in charge of the country?
Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Russell:
Our fathers have sinned, and are not; and we have borne their iniquities.
The joy of our heart is ceased; our dance is turned into mourning.
-- Lamentations 5:7, 15
Jack Ryan
Multimillionaire; 2004 Republican candidate for Illinois U.S. Senate race; divorcé
Why he's here: Divorced. One of the three divorced candidates (out of a total of four) for the same Senate seat.
Punishment in this life: He doesn't get to sleep with ex-wife anymore -- blonde hottie Jeri Ryan ("Star Trek: Voyager"; "Boston Public"), who now lives alone with their young son. (In truth, Jack was pretty broken up over the divorce.)
Saving grace: Ryan isn't the worst of the lot, by far; he's more progressive than most, particularly on gay rights. "If you are taking care of your family, being nice to your neighbors and working hard, I'm for you. Under our constitution, under our God, everybody should be treated the same way," he told Eriz Zorn in the Chicago Tribune. (Jeri is even more pro-gay; she made her first appearance at the GLAAD Awards not long before she and Ryan split.) Thus, we have hope that one day Mr. Ryan may see the light and abandon the Greedy Old Party.
Why we almost actually like him: Anybody who gets slammed by the Radical Religious Right for the most vacuous reason is okay in our book. And Jack got slammed, big-time, by "family values" zealots "waiting for a full explanation" about his financial backing of Jeri's 1997 movie Men Cry Bullets, decried as "racy" by detractors (even though Jeri doesn't do anything even remotely "racy" in the flick). Family Institute head Peter LaBarbera told Chicago Daily Herald, "This is a spousal nightmare ... He had a Hollywood wife. And we all know where Hollywood is today." (Yeah, Pete, we all know where Hollywood is today -- in the 21st century, while you and your ilk are stuck in the 1600s, still burning witches.)
Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Ryan:
Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.
-- Song of Solomon 8:6
Jim Oberweis
Millionaire; 2004 Republican candidate for Illinois U.S. Senate race; divorcé
Why he's here: Divorced. One of the three divorced candidates (out of a total of four) for the same Senate seat.
Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Oberweis:
If a man vow a vow unto the LORD, or swear an oath to bind his soul with a bond; he shall not break his word, he shall do according to all that proceedeth out of his mouth.
-- Numbers 30:2
End of McCain to Oberweis
Next: Scarborough to Stangeland
Conservative Babylon, Part 1
Sex and the Not-So-Single Republican
McCain to Oberweis 6:26:45 PM
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