I think that my Dad is coming home from the hospital but no one has told us for sure. It was five weeks yesterday that he's been in there. This is the second time that he's spent around a month in the hospital this year. Mainly he has cancer. He's 82. He has heart problems, lung problems, cancer in three places but apparently he's going to be relatively okay for a while. His spirits are good, although I think he's a bit nervous about coming home (even if he won't admit it). I've seen it happen before... to my mother and to one of my best friends. The hospital becomes kind of womb-like and they become afraid to go back into the world, afraid of the potential of being alone, of not having nurses and doctors and visitors constantly checking in on them. It's taken me a long time to understand this and to be okay with it. When my mom was sick for five years I used to get kind of angry, to think that she just wasn't trying hard enough to get better. I finally had to face up to the fact that I'm 25 and I've never been really sick (the flu DOES NOT count when you're talking about cancer).

Yesterday my Dad had a hernia operation (just one of his minor problems) and I waited around all day at his house in Orange Co. until they called to tell me that he was back in his room. When I finally saw him he told me that the operation had in fact been much riskier than they had though it would be. That, because of his multiple health problems, there was a 40% chance that he would not recover from the anesthesia. He said that the doctors tried to dissuade him from going ahead with the whole thing but that he made them do it anyway.

Maybe I'm a selfish brat but didn't he stop to consider me at all? Does anyone when they make these decisions? Would I? If I was in a lot of pain, that was going to remain present until I died unless I did this risky surgery, would I stop to think about my friends and family and what it would be like for them if they lost me? I guess I kind of wouldn't or rather, I would assume that they'd be fine without me. I don't know....It all gets kind of confusing.

Well...I'm off to drive the 35 miles in rainy LA traffic to dreaded Orange Co., to my Dad's condo to get oxygen bottles and a suitcase and a cardigan and then to the hospital to retrieve my father. The rest of my day will likely be spent sorting through medicines, doling out vicodin, emptying urinals and updating the rest of my family (who is not here to help me).

Does anyone besides Dave Eggers know what I'm going through?
10:27:04 AM     comment []