I think all of this is going to hit me for real in the upcoming days.

All day today, very stern faces have been looking into my eyes, asking me, Claire, you understand what this is going to be like don't you? And like a little girl, I keep stomping my foot and replying, Yes. I am fully aware of the decisions I've made. I know that this is going to be awful. It is what I want, what I expect, what I am going to do.

But now my father is asleep, doped up and luded out and I am alone in this condo with him. I keep thinking of my office and my old home and wishing I could go there but even if I were to, it is half empty, my office completely bare.

It's weird not to be able to talk to the one person that I've gone to with everything for the last six years. It doesn't help that none of my friends are answering the phone. And every time, like just now, that I want to complain about being lonely, I have to remind myself of the choice I just made.

This is going be really fucking hard.
10:53:35 PM     comment []

Well, here I am, in all my broken glory. I'm back from my five day, life changing hiatus. As of noon today, I officially live in Orange County, California. However I refuse to change the name of this weblog. I do not intend to stay in OC any longer than necessary and after that I will be back to Life in LA.

I don't really even know where to begin. Until this afternoon, when I talked to Mike's mom for the first time since the breakup, I have been unable to talk to anyone who doesn't live on the West Coast. A couple of good friends who check in here from time to time have discovered what I have done and I sent an email to a couple of family members tonight but so far, I've been able to avoid explaining all of this to anyone who isn't in my very immediate life.

I broke up with Mike on Saturday morning. We have been together for six years this month. We have lived together, in New York and in LA, for five of those years. I may as well be getting divorced. I've been with Mike since I was 19 years old. He was 21 when we met. I don't really know how to explain it all and I don't know if I necessarily need to. I just feel this huge weight of people, all waiting to hear what's going on in my life, waiting to ask me if I'm okay.

I've been sleeping on my friend, Abby's, futon for the past five nights. It's been comforting to be there, in her feminine studio apartment with translucent curtains and white down comforters. Every morning we've had coffee together and I've either cried or not cried. Then I've driven the couple of miles to my old apartment to pack up my life. In four days I was able to, with the help of friends, pack everything that I own and transfer it all to my Dad's garge.

Today my brother Eric flew back to Virginia and I unpacked my suitcases and toiletries. I really put it all away too - into the dresser and the closet, into the medicine cabinet. This will be home for the next couple of months probably. Even after my father dies I will have the enormous task of cleaning out the house, selling it and relocating myself. Everyone keeps asking me if I'll be moving back to New York. Everyone I know thinks that I will return there for sure but I'm actually planning to move to Santa Monica.

My father is doing really badly. I don't think that he has long at all. He has gone almost completely deaf which makes it extremely frustrating to communicate with him. He is confused and sad and scared. He is on so many painkillers that I have to keep a written log of what I give him just so I can keep track. In the last hour I've given him liquid morphine, vicodin, xanax, a sleeping pill and another pain pill which is specifically for the bones. The nurses say that this is okay.

Now that I'm here and now that I've made it through the packing of my old house and the unpacking into this house, now that I've cleaned and organized everything that Eric left a mess, now that I've caught up on bills and spent time with my Dad, now that I'm alone, sitting at this kitchen table, is everything really starting to catch up with me.

Overall, I'm exhausted. I know I have a lot of explaining to do and I will. I just needed to get this first messy post over with.
9:35:38 PM     comment []