The Rules of Diss-Engagement Having spent a large part of my twenties and thirties hiding in ladies’ rooms, stairwells, and - in one instance - a broom closet in an effort to avoid unpleasant conversations with ex-dates whose calls I never returned, I’m prepared to admit that I am a complete wuss when it comes to dumping someone.
I can’t help it - I hate confrontation because I always end up crying, even when it’s only been, like, one date and the guy really just got on my nerves for something as innocuous as ordering a glass of “white cabernet” at the snooty wine bar that I insisted on going to. So I’ll do whatever is necessary to avoid an uncomfortable situation, even if it involves cowering behind a large potted plant until the offending party gives up and goes away.
Despite - or perhaps because of - my cowardice as a Dumper, I do consider myself a damn good Dumpee. I’m a good Dumpee because I know how to take an oblique hint and make myself scarce. In fact, sometimes I have been known to take an oblique hint that is so oblique that even the hinter doesn’t realize it has been given. I’m just that good. Let me tell you - when it comes to dating, I have learned through twenty-odd years of trial, error, and public humiliation that it is always better to err on the side of not making a fool of oneself.
Would that everyone followed my example.
But they don’t. Because, sad to say, most of us don’t know how to take - let alone give - a hint, oblique or otherwise. Not when it comes to dating, anyway. There’s just way too much stupidity involved. Add to the stupidity brew the fact that dating invariably brings out the worst in all of us, and suddenly you have a brimming cauldron of catastrophe that turns people into total asshats the minute they so much as stick their big toe in. Nice people turn mean. Smart people turn stupid. And stupid people - well, they just become so damn oblivious that it’s a wonder they can function at all in normal society. And, meanwhile, the rest of us just flail around, trying to make sense of it all, sometimes succeeding, but more often than not fucking it up even worse than it already was.
The truth is, no one - except for the worst kinds of sadists and this guy Dave I dated for six weeks in 1993 - really wants to hurt anyone else’s feelings. So we rely on hints, half-truths, and - in my own case - poorly executed evasion tactics to do the job for us. Then we sit around, all puzzled and annoyed, complaining about how the Rejected Party “just doesn’t get it.”
It would be much easier for everyone, I think, if there were a set of a rules - a Universal Code of Conduct, if you will - that governed our actions on the front lines of the Dating Wars. Especially when it comes to dumping someone. A way for us all to arrive at an understanding as to what is and is not acceptable in the wild and wacky world of romantic rejection.
So, in my ongoing effort to improve the lines of communication down here in the trenches, I hereby present to you a set of break-up guidelines that I have dubbed “The Rules of Diss-Engagement.” These guidelines are broken down based on the progression of the relationship, marked not in Real Time but in Date Time. Feel free to print this out and distribute it to your friends if you are so inclined.
The Rules of Diss-Engagement: Part One
First Date: Free pass. This is your “Get Out of Bed Free” card. After a single date, there is no obligation on your part to either make or return a follow-up phone call no matter what happened on the date. The “First Date” designation also applies to one-night stands, drunken hookups with soon-to-be former friends, and instantly-regretted nostalgia sex with amorous exes who still carry a flame. It’s basically your casual sex catchall-category, but if you feel that you really do want to see the person again before you decide for sure, you are allowed one phone call. If that phone call is not returned (see “Rules of Diss-Engagement, Part 2,” below) you must stop calling on the spot. Do not pass “Go,” do not collect 100 Trojans. You’re done.
Second and Third Dates: If no sex has occurred - woo-hoo! Another free pass! You are hereby released from any and all commitments, express or implied. If sex has occurred, however, you are obligated to make one “Conscience Call” to the Rejected Party at a number and/or time that you know for certain the Rejected Party will not be available. For example, the call may be placed to the Rejected Party’s home when the Rejected Party is at work, or vice-versa. You get the idea. The goal of the Conscience Call is to leave a vague message which a) acknowledges the fact that, yes, you have had sex with this person; but also hints that b) no, you will not be having sex with this person again. If the Rejected Party is following his or her own instructions (again, see “Rules of Diss-Engagement, Part 2, below) the Conscience Call will not be returned and you will both be free to move ahead with your lives, unencumbered by unnecessary guilt, regret, or embarrassment.
Fourth and Fifth Dates: This is where it starts to get tricky. Aren’t you glad I’m here to work it all out for you? After the fourth date, you pretty much have to have some form of conversation with the Rejected Party. But the rules for this conversation vary, depending upon the degree of intimacy the couple has entered into. Generally, if you have not had sex with the Rejected Party by the time you want to break up, it’s perfectly okay to break up over the phone. But it has to be a real conversation and a real breakup. No Conscience Calls or oblique hints. Just spit it out, hang up as soon as you can, and breathe a deep sigh of relief at your hard-won freedom. If sex has been had, however, there’s no getting around it: you have to do it in person (see Sixth Date and Up, below).
Sixth Date and Up: From here on, kiddies, it’s the in-person breakup only. Sex or no sex. The Rejected Party has, by now, invested enough time, money, and/or outfits in the relationship that he or she is entitled to a little face-to-face “fuck off” time. Preferably, the in-person breakup is performed in a public venue, the better to avoid a tearful scene and make a hasty getaway. When breaking up in a bar or restaurant, etiquette demands that you pick up the tab before ducking out the back door while pretending to be heading toward the bathroom.
The best part is, like everything else in life, breakups are reciprocal! You’re not in this alone. There are responsibilities on both sides, and, just as there is a code of conduct for the Dumper, there is also a code of conduct for the Dumpee. To wit:
The Rules of Diss-Engagement: Part Two
Under no circumstances is the Conscience Call to be returned. No excuses, no exceptions. And don’t give me the old, “Well, how was I supposed to know it was a Conscience Call?” You know damn well when it’s a Conscience Call. No one who really wants to reach you is going to be calling your office at 9 p.m. on a Friday night. Especially when you’re on vacation.
Up to and including the Third Date, you are not permitted to demand an explanation. Accept the sad fact that sometimes things just don’t click and move along. Don’t go getting everyone uncomfortable by trying to make like this whole thing is about you. It’s not about you. It’s about the other person. You know, the one who doesn’t like you. Doesn’t being dumped suck enough already? Why on earth would you want to force someone who finds you repulsive to tell you so?
There is to be no stalking. No lurking. No “casual” run-ins, at, say, the Starbucks in the Dumper’s neighborhood. In fact, you and the Dumper are required to give one another a wide berth for at least one month. If you see the Dumper coming around the corner, one of you must cross the street while the other changes direction immediately so as to avoid mutual discomfort.
You are not permitted to Drink and Dial unless you have had more than five dates. If you have had more than five dates, you are permitted three Drink-and-Dials over the course of three months at one-month intervals, if and only if there has been intercourse. If you have not had intercourse, but have had either oral sex or less than five dates, you may Drink and Dial exactly once.
And please - no hang-up calls. Ever. We all have Caller ID. We know it’s you.
If, despite strict adherence to all of the regulations above, there is some unfortunate mishap leading to an awkward confrontation, please refer to the following:
Corollaries to the Rules of Diss-Engagement:
Study your Dumping Vernacular. For example, “I’m really busy at work right now” is DumpSpeak for “I don’t ever want to talk to you or see your face again. Go away.” Learn this quickly and spare everyone the embarrassment of having to have it spelled out for you.
The phrase “I’ll call you” is not to be uttered unless one really intends to follow through with an actual phone call. So choose your words wisely - the moment you say it, you’ve quite likely committed yourself to at least one more date. Similarly, phone calls are not to be demanded, as in “Call me!” Demanding a phone call overrides the “must call” corollary and it serves you right for asking.
“It’s not you, it’s me” is to be permanently banned from the Dumping Vernacular. It’s been said way too many times, and nobody believes it anymore anyway.
Penalties for violating the Rules of Diss-Engagement are swift and severe. A first-time violation merits a collective eye-roll and look of scorn. A second violation results in a one-month suspension of one’s Dating License. And if you violate the rules three times (and you people all know who you are) you are to be banned from dating for the rest of your life, or as long as you are still physically capable of having sex.
That’s three strikes, baby. Three strikes and you’re out.
So, there you have it. Clean, straightforward, and easy to follow, no? Just think how many awkward misunderstandings and embarrassing scenes could have been avoided if only you’d been carrying these little rules around on a laminated card in your wallet.
All kidding aside - the truth is, it’s pretty easy to dump someone you don’t like, even if you end up doing it badly. The more challenging task is figuring out how to hang onto the ones we do. If we could only figure out the guidelines for that one, all our problems would be solved.
Never fear. I’m on it.
9:37:38 AM 
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