As part of my ongoing effort to keep you, my beloved readers, abreast of the latest trends and developments in the bourgeoning Relationship Industry, I have taken it upon myself to launch an undercover investigation into the wretched little world of the Online Personal Ad.
I admit that I’m embarking upon this project with a bit of a bias. After all, I mean -- really -- why would you want to date someone you’ve met online? Don’t you people watch Lifetime Television Movies for Women? Two words: Stranger Danger! And trust me -- no good can come from a relationship that begins over a sweaty keyboard fueled by Ring Dings and Mountain Dew. Okay, I’ll admit that I have several very nice internet friends, but I can probably count on the fingers of one hand the ones I’d actually want to meet in real life (No - not you guys! I like you! Really!). I did once make the mistake of going out to dinner with a group of people from a message board I used to frequent, and I got so squicked out by them I never posted there again. So, yeah, I’m a little wary.
I originally selected the personal ad space at Television Without Pity as the place to launch my little experiment, since I spend half my online life there anyway (thanks for the link, Jessie -- you owe me two jobs) plus, I figure, you know, birds of a feather and all. Except that I have discovered that TWoP personals have moved to another site, so I’ve ended up at Spring Street Networks, which is the same forum but hosted at a different site. Whatever. I signed up, ready for action.
Now, in order for me to do this Online Personal Ad Thing properly, I need to fill out a profile. And this is where I need your help. I’m having a little trouble with some of the questions, and I’m hoping maybe you guys can all critique this and tell me what you think so far. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.
Ready? Here we go:
MY FIRST ONLINE PERSONAL AD:
Shallow, Self-Centered and Impoverished Seeks Opposite
My Profile:
Physical Description: Since everybody lies on this part anyway, I’m just going to skip it. Trust me. I’m lovely.
Star Sign: Where the hell am I, Studio 54? Do people still ask that one? I’m skipping that too, and if that bothers you, Tony Manero, then you and your white polyester suit can just head on back to Brooklyn where you belong.
Last Great Book I Read: The Corrections, by Jonathan Franzen. Oh. You mean a Great Book that I enjoyed and read all the way through? As opposed to, say, buying it to impress the clerks at the Harvard Book Store and sticking it in the back of my bookcase because the author is a pompous ass in love with his own writing and he bored me to tears in three and a half pages flat? In that case, my answer would have to be The Love Machine by Jacqueline Susann, which I re-read once a year because it is so very, very, very smutty and so very, very, very good and so very, very, very not boring.
Most Humbling Moment: Are you high? I’m supposed to be trying to impress potential mates, not scare them away! Thanks very much, but I think my most humbling moments are best kept to myself. And the people who were injured, of course. And, believe me, I don’t want to hear about your most humbling moment either. If you and I hit it off, I figure we have about six weeks of sheer, unmitigated bliss ahead of us before the chinks in your shiny white armor start to show. Those six weeks are the best part of the relationship for god’s sake! That’s when I’ll actually believe that you are beautiful and perfect. Don’t take that away from me by telling me right up front about the time you got your tongue stuck to the flagpole, because if you do then you can just forget about sticking that tongue anywhere in my vicinity. That will be the only image I will ever be able to carry around in my head of you. Forever. In fact, I’d probably end up making up a nasty nickname for you, like Sticky Tongue Guy or something equally mean, by which my friends and I would refer to you behind your back for years to come. Keep your secrets to yourself, and I’ll do the same. We’ll have time enough to grow disgruntled with each other, so let’s just enjoy the moment, shall we?
Favorite Onscreen Sex Scene: I suppose the average guy would think I’m really twisted if I admit it’s the Beecher/Keller New Year’s Eve kiss on the Season 3 finale of Oz? Yeah, I thought so. Okay, I do have a backup: Dennis Quaid and Ellen Barkin in The Big Easy (go rent it; it‘s a great movie). Oh, and if I can’t use Beecher and Keller then I don’t want to hear a single word from you about the Denise Richards/Neve Campbell swimming pool scene in Wild Things. Fair’s fair.
Celebrity I Resemble Most: That’s easy. Nicole Kidman.
Best/Worst Lie I’ve Ever Told: See Celebrity I Resemble Most, above. Although, to be fair, right after I dyed my hair red for the first time, some guy in a bar did tell me I look like Nicole Kidman. Of course, he was hitting on me at the time. Also? He was very drunk. Does that still count?
Song or Album That Puts Me In the Mood: Anything by Leonard Cohen. Of course, it puts me in the mood to slash my wrists. But I keep telling you -- I’m twisted.
In My Bedroom You’ll Find: My bed (Crate & Barrel); my armoire (Domain); my extra television set (Best Buy); my Wave Radio/CD Player (Bose -- get one! It’s fabulous); a pile of clothes that no longer fit me (Ann Taylor); plus a giant closet containing three furnaces, the hot water heater, the gas meters, and all the electrical wiring for my entire building (never live on the bottom floor of a brownstone unless you crave a close, personal relationship with every plumber, electrician, and meter-reader in the city); and a deep scratch in my shiny hardwood floor courtesy of an incompetent contractor who was supposed to be checking the water pipe but instead managed to gouge up my walls and floor and still hasn’t reimbursed me for the damage…oh, Hi. Sorry, I forgot you were there. Now, what was it we were talking about?
Why You Should Get To Know Me: Well, I should think that would be fairly obvious from my answers above, don’t you?
Now, before you go rushing off to boot up your computer and claim my hand, I think it’s only fair that I set some expectations on both our parts. Just as I have my own ideas as to how I want our relationship to proceed, I’m sure you do as well. So, in order to make sure I don’t disappoint you, here are a few other things you should know:
Stuff I Don’t Want to Do With You:
Go For Long Walks On The Beach: I find nothing romantic about trudging through mounds of wet sand with the wind blasting in my face, making my mascara run, and ruining my hairdo. How ‘bout we settle for a cocktail poolside instead?
Have Intensely Personal Talks in the Moonlight: Stop babbling and let me sleep, will you? Yes, it was good for me too. Now shut up and go to sleep.
Cuddle by the Fire: Ugh! Who invented this thing called cuddling, anyway? Even the word is stupid. Look, I like my personal space, buddy, so just slide your ass over to your own side of the couch and stay there, okay? And don’t you dare try spooning me in the middle of the night unless you want to wind up sprawled out on the floor with massive head injuries. I need my rest. Otherwise I get cranky.
Dine by Candlelight: Well, that one’s okay, I suppose, as long as you have decent table manners, it’s a nice restaurant, and you’re paying.
Still interested? Okay, then, go ahead and respond to my ad. Include a link to your own profile, and be sure to include a photo so I can see whether or not I find you attractive. If you want to maximize your chances of getting a response from me, I’d advise very strongly against committing any of the following photo faux-pas:
Stuff That Will Make Me Not Respond To Your Photo:
Posing while hugging your dog. Let’s just say I’m not really a dog person. The last guy I dated who I really liked got a puppy six weeks into our relationship (see? There’s that six-week thing again). I never heard from him again. And I’m not sure I want to know why.
Getting a photo snapped while doing something “rugged” or “outdoorsy.” Okay, you’re fit. I get it. Save it for your profile. Otherwise you just look like you’re trying too hard, and that just makes me feel very, very sad for you.
Wearing a baseball cap or a hat of any sort, really. You’re bald. Don’t try to hide it. A receding hairline can be quite appealing, really. Just ask my t.v. boyfriend, Christopher Meloni. Of course, he also does a lot of nude scenes (see Favorite On Screen Sex Scene, above) which does somehow manage to draw my attention away from his hairline. So, if you look good naked, I guess that would help.
Using a professional headshot instead of an ordinary photo. Desperate, much?
Using a Dilbert cartoon instead of a headshot or an ordinary photo. Freak, much?
THE END
So, what do you think? My entrée into the wild and wonderful world of Online Dating. I’m going to set up a separate email account to handle the deluge of responses I’m sure to receive, but never fear. I’ll keep you all posted on the outcome.
After all, I’m doing it all for you guys. I care.
Because, as I’m sure you can tell from my profile, that’s just the kind of sweet, nurturing person I am.
7:31:14 AM 
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