Just Joking
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!" -- Jack Handey
I been reading a lot of jokes lately. Someone collected what is supposed to be the greatest 100 jokes of all time, so I read through them. Actually, I told approximately 73 of them to my wife yesterday, starting in the late afternoon and finishing in bed, when she finally told me to shut up, she had to get some sleep.
Some of them had adult language. That's okay, I think. Some of my favorite jokes are mildly dirty, or at least best left out of the earshot of children. I laugh on the inside.
Here's one of them, edited into a family-friendly version (or at least discreet) for those of you more sensitive types. The rest of you can just imagine the truth.
A old man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing a genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promising to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace on earth, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?"
The guy says 'Well...for my whole life there's this one thing I always wanted my wife to do in the bedroom, and she never has. That would be my wish."
The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define 'peace'?"
I'm making myself laugh here.
Then there's the Jewish guy who goes into a confession box. "Father O’Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy-eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28-year-old girl, and also, on the side, her 19-year-old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better."
"My good man," says the priest, "I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I’m telling everybody!"
OK, I'll stop.
No I won't.
A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."
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Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. "Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others break up. ""Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. "44!" he quips. He gets nothing.
"What?" he asks, "Isn’t 44 funny?" "Sure, it’s usually hilarious," they answer. "But the way you tell it…"
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China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. -- A. Whitney Brown
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An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We’ll take care of it, ma’am" and yells back ‘"Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"
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I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. -- Steven Wright
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I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?" -- Steven Wright
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Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!" -- Steven Wright
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I think we should laugh more. We should laugh at everything, at the absurdity of modern life, at pain, at grief, at politicians, at paradoxes, at incomprehensible stuff, at each other, at ourselves. Just my opinion. But I hope you laughed. I did. And I saved the best ones for another time.
My favorite all-time joke, which I've written about before, is an interesting one, mostly because people either laugh at it or don't, and so you find out something about them although I have no idea what. Still, it's fun to see who laughs and who raises the eyebrow and wonders.
Two penguins are standing on an iceberg. One says to the other, "You look like you could be wearing a tuxedo." The other one says, "What makes you think I'm not?"
I howled at this. Sorry.
I need to howl more.
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. --W.C. Fields
4:59:03 PM 
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