Guest Blogger #1: Sign In Now
I asked her to go first because she makes me smile.
(NOTE: Radioland had some issues today, so even though I tried to post this nearly 24 hours ago, this is the first time it's worked. Sorry for the delay.)
My wife raises an eyebrow when I mention Meg, because she has no idea what I might be doing down here in the basement in front of the computer, and because I'm a guy. But she also knows I'm in love with good writers, and that I don't smile enough. And Meg is a very good writer.
She writes at BlogCabin, which you need to bookmark now; I'll wait.
Hurry up.
OK. You are so slow.
I'm having guest bloggers from today through July 25th. It started out as just a break, a change from routine, but now it's turned into something else. What, I don't know, but I'm curious about how it's going to turn out.
FYI: Meg lives and works in Vancouver, B.C. She's 31. She has allergy issues. She loves her parents and her friends, and coffee, but maybe not in that order. She's pursuing a career as a writer. And she's a penguin person.
Me too. In case you wondered. But now you have to read.
Uh Oh.
By Meg Fowler
When Chuck asked me to fill in for him for a day on his blog, I was honoured (Chuck, you better have left the ‘u’ in). I mean, he’s famous on Salon for his eloquent and thoughtful posts – and not only that, but he also has a fabulous column that he cross-pollinates from this very blog.
I do believe the column came first, but the blog is what I read regularly. And I’m not alone in that – Chuck has a stable of dedicated, discerning followers (I mean that in the ‘follow along’ sense, not the ‘Jim Jones’ sense) that await his wisdom on a daily basis.
Given that knowledge, I was also a little shocked that he would let me pinch-hit on this one. Why? Well, let me illustrate with some quotes from recent posts of mine:
“If that wasn't startling enough, my daytime formula allergy medication caused me to try to depart the elevator this morning before the doors actually opened (ouch), and drool very slightly during my stand-up meeting at 8:07 am.”
“This has created a certain level of panic in me: "What if I smell? Would anyone tell me?"”.
“I'm wearing sunglasses now, and mango lip balm. I went to get a glass of milk -- it tasted nothing like hot wings. I can't stand it when I have nothing to write.”
“I believe that, just as people in glass houses should not throw stones, people who don't wear shoes should not toss around thumbtacks.”
“I have this weird picture in my head of elves being responsible for certain things in our daily lives. Things like the silvery stuff on lottery tickets, the dew on the grass, the powdered sugar on donuts, the salt on the rims of margaritas…you know, the magical elements of everyday life.”
“How do you know if a fish likes you or not? Dogs lick your face, cats purr, horses nuzzle your neck, but fish -- just how do you know? Does his mouth open a bit wider? Does he come to gaze at you longingly through the aquarium glass? Does he leap up when you walk by? I want to get a fish, but I'm worried I won't know if he loves me, or just wants me for my multi-coloured food flakes. And hello...I dated that guy already.”
Are you getting the picture? I’m a wing nut.
I’m Canadian, too, which doesn’t always translate into a big attention draw for people in the US (unless you beat your bosom and wail like Celine Dion, or appear to have a Claymation/CGI-enhanced face like Jim Carrey).
I won’t even get into the fact that I’m female. I commissioned a poll yesterday about Chuck’s readership, and it turns out that 98.5% of you are women with a heady, unrequited crush on the poor man. Putting up a post from me here is like putting Pamela Anderson in Playgirl.
But he asked, and I’m one of the 98.5%, so I had to say yes.
Now that I’m here, I find myself at a loss. I don’t know what to write for all of you. When people come to my blog, they are generally bored/having an episode/a blood relative obligated by guilt and threats/unable to close the browser window for some reason/doing a web search for Ryan Gosling (I said his name once, people! Look somewhere else!).
When they come to Chuck’s blog, they want wit, brilliant prose, and a dose of gentle humanity.
The best I can offer is a linty piece of gum I just found in the pocket of my shorts, or a coupon for 25 % off of residential carpet cleaning that came in the mail yesterday (but it’s a Canadian coupon, so it’s worth more like 20% for y’all). That doesn’t seem like quite enough, though, so I’ll also bring a little something else of my own. I like to call it:
Essential Life Wisdom (that sounds like something L. Ron Hubbard would write, don’t you think?)
1. If you try something on, and a part of you spills out, do not purchase it. If there is something appliquéd on it, wear it only around your mother-in-law. And if an animal ever slept on it, peed on it, or wore it at a party you threw, it's not okay to wear it to work.
2. The reality is, some of us are swans, and some of us are penguins. Some of us glide gracefully through moonlit ponds, and some of us bounce along ice floes like bowling pins at Senior's League Night. Still – both are birds.
3. The smartest people I know a) listen the most; b) have never seen Fear Factor; and c) tell the stupidest jokes.
4. Old people are the ones really running the world. Why? Because they never sleep. They go to bed at ten, read for six hours, sigh deeply, turn over twice, and get up at five again to make tea and toast. They nap in the afternoons, but don't let them fool you with the removal of glasses and the leaning back in chairs! They are like coils, waiting to spring! Like rattlesnakes, with walkers!
5. If you only read one blog in your life, read Chuck’s. If you read two, read one by your good friend from college. If you read three, read one by your annoying co-worker, and leave anonymous nasty comments. If you read more than fifty, then you are an addict, and you may feel free to stop by BlogCabin. I don’t promise much, but sometimes…if we are very, very good…we have Oreos.
6:06:40 AM 
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