Tendons Don't Rhyme
At least not willingly.
Our families may hate us
Our spouses may rate us
The dog tries to mate us
And lunch causes flatus
But at least we have not torn
Our supraspinatus.
See? It's hard.
Yesterday I crawled into an MRI (Minimal Room Inside) machine, where I was surrounded by a magnetic field while I listened to Beatles and U2 songs, all supervised by a guy named Ray who looked bored.
It was relatively quick and only mildly painful, mostly because they immobilized my left arm, which happens to be the pain-generating arm, and as far as I can tell I suffered no ill effects. I didn't seem to radiating magnetism, in other words, although I did feel fairly attractive afterward.
Oh stop. I'm in pain here.
A nice lady from the nice doctor's office called me today with the results.
HER: Well, Chuck, you've got a partial tear of one of your rotator cuff tendons,
ME: Which one?
HER: Umm...you mean you want the fancy name?
ME: The fancier the better.
So my fall from grace resulted in a tear of the supraspinatus, the most commonly injured of the four tendons (the other three are the subscapularis, infraspinatus, and teres minor, none of which is an easy rhyme either, although one could try).
Nothing would be finer
Than to tear my teres minor
In the mor-oh-or-ning...
A partial tear is better than a complete tear, of course, which itself is better than having electrodes attached to your testicles (unless you're into that), but it does tend to complicate things. My next appointment with the orthopedist is in two weeks, so in the meantime I have to be content with my daily dose of Voltaren and the knowledge that there are no electrodes in this house.
Also, I can scream when I comb my hair and not feel bad about it.
But surgery seems a distinct possibility, which raises more questions, since I've managed to avoid even a minor operation for 48 years. Can be it done with a regional rather than a general anesthetic? How long will my arm be immobilized? Can I go home the same day? Will there be lots of pain? Do I have to be naked? Will anyone else be naked? I have two weeks to write all this stuff down.
Will I be sedated? Will I tell secrets under the influence, or sing, or rhyme?
I do not like it, Sam I Am
I do not like midazolam.
Or fentanyl, or propofol.
I do not like them, Sam, at all.
I have to question, Sam, you see
The merits of arthroscopy.
Wish me well. And if you have had this surgery, or this injury, please take a moment if you will and promise not to tell me about it. I've already heard enough stories. I think I'd rather just be surprised.
But, in the meantime, if you can think of good shoulder rhymes, pass them on. I'm having real trouble with "acromion" and "deltoid." You know how we writer types are. You have to humor us.*
*I'm just making myself laugh here.
4:06:55 PM 
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