Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Oh my God!  I just realized I made out with Britney Spears! And Madonna!  And Cristina! See, I was thinking about an old friend of mine, a girl, a painter, now a professor, who I used to work with at this shitty restaurant a few years ago (same place I met Rosie).  We'll call this girl "Lulu."  Now, at this very same shithole restaurant, employed as a lowly food runner while he studied at the Actors Palyhouse, was KIWI-TURNED-HOLLYWOOD HUNK SUPERSTAR MARTIN HENDERSON!!!  (Sorry, Marty, I usually give people aliases but you know, the price of fame and all....)  You know who I'm talking about... he was in "The Ring," and now stars in "Torque" where he gets to talk shit to Ice Cube.  Marty was a really cool guy.  I have no reason to believe he isn't still a really cool guy.   It was cool to see him on posters and shit, and in "The Ring" (I confess I've yet to see "Torque"), but what REALLY blew my mind was.... I was watching MTV and the new Britney Spears video came on and THERE WAS MARTY MAKING OUT WITH BRITNEY SPEARS!   Rosie will attest that I fell out of the bed howling with joy and amazement. Anyhoo, today I was thinking of my old paintress friend Lulu, and wondering if she was aware of Marty's successes and all and then I remembered when Marty and Lulu hooked up once.  And you know how they say you've slept with everyone who's slept with the people you've slept with... Well if the same thing goes for kissing (why not?), I thought, Neat!  Lulu made out with Britney!   I imagined this scenario for a little while, then zipped back up (just kidding Rosie), and realized - HOLY SHIT! - I MADE OUT WITH BRITNEY TOO!  No, I did not hook up with Marty, so don't start one of them Hollywood rumors... Nor did I hook up with Lulu (though she wanted it bad no doubt, as did every waitress there... I picked Rosie in the long run because she was the best waitress in high pressure situations)... no, there was another party involved, who I will call Candy DeLay, who made out with both me and Marty, and who, incidentally, was a shallow, narcissistic antisemitic c*nt.  Really, she was horrible.  But who cares about all that!  To recap, let's follow the makeout chain: Me -> C*ntface -> Marty -> Britney -> Madonna -> Cristina -> lotsa people probably And of course there are other branches off that tree.... HOLY SHIT, I MADE OUT WITH SEAN PENN!...who made out with Naomi Watts in "21 Grams"... who made out with Marty (did she?) in "The Ring"... or anyway she definitely used to make out with Heath Ledger, who is Marty's best bud.  Man oh man, it sure is a small world amongst us superstar types. ~Monty 4:24:09 PM    comment []

The End is Here Thank goodness.  The wait is over.  So is the job.  One month's notice, a decent severance package.... Mind you I am still in extraordinary debt so I can't exactly take this package and fly around the world with it.  Also, I have no fucking idea how I'm going to make money.  But at least the wait is over.  So when the overweight waiter refills your water, say Hurrah!, the wait is over!  And the waiter is overweight!  And that waiter is me, since I could not possibly get another office job - not for professional reasons, but for medical reasons, allergy kind of stuff.  I mean granted, there are offices where people do neat things like come up with ideas for new kinds of frankfurters, but I don't know where those are or how to get inside them.  Part of my severance package involves the company offering to foot the bill for some outplacement service that specializes in placing executives.... but I'm not an executive, am I?  I mean I'll do anything free, so I'll stop by just in case these guys have an opening for an executive position that involves freestyling and playing Madden 2004... but somehow I don't think pothead rap crews recruit through corporate headhunters. For sooth though, I shan't wait tables.  I've considered going back to bartending, but I would probably find it difficult to serve all the customers while constantly serving myself. Now would be a good time for me to make an all-out go-for-it run at establishing my creative career.  Yeah.  That would be cool. Blooperbowl! Jiminy Christmas, what's all the fuss about this last Sunday?  First, there's the game, which apparently was one of the most exciting Superbowls ever.  I watched it, and while I was well aware of lead changes and super this-and-that, I sure didn't feel excited.  I thought my own Madden 2004 Jets-Lions game was much more exciting and competitive (look, I know the Lions suck but I am a beginner, okay?).  But the real Newsbuster is: FCC to investigate Janet Jackson's flash Wow.  Yeah, that's really what we fuckin need.  We need a thorough investigation of how and why this happened, how it might have been prevented, if there was any network intelligence beforehand that might have indicated millions of Americans would be tragically forced to view most of a breast.  I mean, she had some kind of fuckin pasty on; isn't that level of exposure something you can see weekly on CSI Miami or something similar?  And while you know I'm no lover of those nitwit limey bastards in the UK, when I was holed up in London I saw an episode of "Rhona's Rude Videos" on BBC 3 with all sorts of wacky bloopers of people accidentally revealing tits, dicks, and everything, and it was considered FUNNY!  (Actually I found those clips boring, but there was some really WONDERFUL footage of animals trying to fuck the wrong creatures and things.... turns out, rabbits really are horny!  They had clips of rabbit trying to fuck cats, dogs, balloons, chickens....) Anyhow, back to the point, we now have a full-on FCC investigation into the matter.  Silly, right?  But you know what the "F" stands for, don't you?  F stands for Federal.... Or in other words, F stands for Fuckin' A, you're paying for it.  Aren't you glad your tax dollars are going towards figuring out how and why this mediocre and manicured breastpiece was somewhat exposed for a fraction of a second?  So kids, remember what "F" stands for... so the next time the FBI detains your uncle Abdullah, or the FDA approves Pfizer's new Mad-Cow flavored Ephedra Crisps, pat yourself on the back for the good you've done for your country. New Yorkers please note: F.I.T. is NOT a federal institution... it stands for the Fashion Institute of Technology, so don't worry, you're not paying for all those cheesy hoes on 7th Ave dressed for suckcess in the fashion industry, the ones who always, without fail, ruin your favorite bar by playing "Pour Some Sugar on Me" on the jukebox and gyrating their navels in between Jaeger shots.  Their parents are paying for all that, not you. Love, Monty 3:16:46 PM    comment []

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