The Complete Stigmata of Gayness
"Part of it is the label...being successful, being single, being the quarterback of the San Francisco 49ers, speaking properly, having a sense of style. A combination of those things gets you categorized as being gay."
That's what 49ers QB Jeff Garcia had to say regarding rumors of his gayness. I had to copy it because it really sums up a lot of the basic criteria upon which people might guess whether or not someone is gay (there's always asking, or not asking, but people like to guess.)
Here's how this works: Fran and Jan, two single metropolitan broads, are chatting it up over cocktails one fine evening. Fran has a major crush on her coworker, Y. But she thinks he might be gay. Let's listen in:
FRAN: You should've seen him today, he looked soooo handsome in his suit.
JAN: Well, he certainly has a sense of style...
FRAN: Yeah, that's the thing that worries me...
JAN: Why? What- Omigosh, do you think he's gay???
FRAN: Maybe.
JAN: So he's got a sense of style...how about speaking? Does he speak properly?
FRAN: Well... mostly, yeah, I mean, he makes the odd grammatical error here or there but I think, yeah, he speaks properly.
JAN: Uh-oh. Plus he's successful. So we've got style, proper speech, success... is he single?
FRAN: No, come to think of it, he's married. To a woman.
JAN: That's wonderful! Then he must not be gay. Go for it!
FRAN: What a relief...except...
JAN: What? Is there something else?
FRAN: There's one more thing. He used to play quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers.
JAN: Oh shit.
END
Of course, if you haven't guessed already, Fran's crush is Y.A. Tittle, 49ers QB from 1951-1960.
In reality, though, I think Jeff has it kind of mixed up. I don't think his success, single status, or position have much to do with the speculation; it's more that he acts really, really gay. Perhaps by "speaking properly" he means "speaking really gay-like." Of course it's his own business, but I wish he would come out, and the rest of the 9ers too, because
I am proud of my gay hometown football team
It's true. It's not a San Francisco thing, they weren't always gay. Joe Montana? No way. Jerry Rice? Naaah. But now? They are all gay. Just look at their latest uniforms (which Jeff was REALLY excited about). And please, Terrell Owens, with those flamboyant antics?
Of course, they can't all really be gay. I mean they can if they want, but they probably aren't. It's just kind of fun to pretend that they are. Otherwise, they're a pretty boring team to watch.
Hot Issue Solved
When I first heard about gay marriage, I was very much against it. I was like, "Why should I have to marry a guy? I like girls." Then someone told me it's not mandatory. And I was like, "Oh." I think there wouldn't be so much fuss about all this if it was made clear to the American public that gay marriage, when made fully legal, will be performed on a strictly voluntary basis. All of the people worried about gay marriage ruining their straight marriages can sit back and relax.
Another thing that's got me confused: People say that the purpose of marriage is to procreate... but that simply isn't true. That's what fucking does, not marrying. Think about it: Animals don't get married, and they procreate.
Okay, the last thing any Group needs is me getting on the soapbox on their behalf. It's probably just that I watched "The L Word" again last night.... which means that I jerked off like 7 times and my hormonal balance is all off. Anyway, the gay cause is none of my business and I simply don't have the energy to fight for their cause, especially since I've recently decided I'm black, which I will discuss in more detail tomorrow.
Meanwhile I would like to make one important point: Though the actual 49ers are all gay, my 49ers I play with on my Playstation are totally straight. The only gay thing about them is that they score a lot more than all the straight teams ; )
~Monty
PS - I just thought of the perfect way for Jeff to quell those rumors: He should marry a dude. Because remember, they only think you're gay if you're single. Plus he could fuck the dude a lot, which I'm sure he likes to do.
4:49:34 PM 
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