This Just In: Rambo O'Reilly Takes On Lethal NY Times
In today's "O'Reilly Factor," Bill used his "famous Talking Points Memo" to declare war on the vicious and deadly New York Times. Bill claimed the influential paper has a "far-left Democratic and secular agenda," and uses terrorist tactics to attack anyone who dares to speak out against them.
Like Bill O'Reilly, for example. Yes, just yesterday, in a piece by Janet Maslin, the paper libeled Bill, in a smear-job meant to punish him for daring to challenge their liberal, ungodly plans for America. The Times untruthfully said that O'Reilly said he won a Peabody Award, when Bill has two transcripts which prove that he said his SHOW won a Peabody, and anyway it was an honest mistake, sorta, and it wasn't nice to bring this up now. And the rag also accused Bill of lying about where he came from. But the house exists -- it was shown on the A&E Biography episode about Bill. So, the Times must have just made all this up in an attempt to treacherously make Bill look like a LIAR.
Bill said that the Times is so powerful that no one dares oppose it, except for Fox News, which is why the paper is always picking on Bill and his station. He added that while it's a fact that nobody watching his show cares a whit for what the NY Times may say about anything, it's a sad truth that many decent, hardworking, low-brow papers may reprint Times articles, so you might get infected with secularism and Communism and O'Reilly mockery, and not even realize it!
Bill concluded by reiterating (with a PowerPoint slide capturing the key points, to make it clear to even the slower O'Reillyites), that the New York Times pushes a far-left, secular agenda on America. Then came the ominous warning that the massive and unprincipled NYT organization "will use any and all methods to attack those who oppose them."
To presumably include threats, blackmail, knee-capping, leg-breaking, holding family members hostage, and sending opponents to sleep with the fishes. So, one has to admire Bill's courage in taking on this formidable and ruthless foe.
To help in his principled and valiant stand, let's look at the smear/article the paper printed about him yesterday: Franken Retorts, You Decide. It turns out to be a review of that horrible Al Franken's new book, Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right. Here are the paragraphs which evoked Bill's fury:
Note to Bill O'Reilly, the de facto publicist for "Lies" thanks to Fox News's hapless efforts to block its publication: Never say "Never said it" or "You can't find a transcript where I said it" when a man with 14 researchers is on your trail. In a book that baits its targets with varying degrees of success, Mr. Franken makes a bull's-eye out of Mr. O'Reilly. First the prize: he shows how Mr. O'Reilly's erroneous claim that he won a Peabody Award evolved into even bigger fibs once it was challenged.
Then the porn: a mortifyingly stilted erotic passage from Mr. O'Reilly's novel "Those Who Trespass" is sent up repeatedly here. Then the political affiliation: a 1994 voter registration form is dug up, courtesy of National Public Radio, and reprinted to contradict Mr. O'Reilly's 1996 claim that he was not enrolled in a political party. (The form counts him as a Republican.) And finally the provenance: accounts of a childhood in Levittown, N.Y., are contradicted in The Washington Post by "an inside source (O'Reilly's mother)."
So, while the NY Times did not make up these stories about Bill, but rather included them as part of a review of the book which orginated them, it's obvious that the paper covered the book as part of their campaign of terror against Bill. And since the truth of the matter is that Bill said "We won a Peabody," not "I won a Peabody," (even though NOBODY at "Hard Copy" won a Peabody, and Bill wasn't even there when the tabloid TV program won the Polk), he wasn't really lying when he denied ever saying he won a Peabody. Thus, we must conclude that the Times has their pants on fire, and that Bill is a shining beacon of truth in a world of equivocators, fibbers, and untruth tellers, such as that fiendish Bill Clinton, with his claims that oral sex isn't intercourse.
Now, let's consider the other Times lie, the one about them writing that Franken's book says that Bill didn't grow up where he claims he did. Well, Franken does say this, but that's not the point. The point is, the secular, lefist rag is trying to defame that American icon, Bill O'Reilly. So, let's investigate this a bit more.
Bill's Official Fox News bio says, "He lived in a modest house with his father, mother and sister in the Westbury section of Levittown." And it's an undeniable fact that Bill DID live in a house, since that house was on A&E's Biography (well, I didn't actually check that out myself, but Bill said it, so I belive it). And while it is also an undeniable fact that Westbury is not a section of Levittown (but is instead a town a few miles away from Levittown), Bill's house was apparently built in the STYLE of Levittown, so Bill probably just got confused about where he lived. And while it's also true that a The Washington Post story from December 2000 really did quote Bill's mother as saying that that Bill grew up in Westbury, a "middle-class suburb," the Post, an ally of the godless Times, probably tortured Bill's mother until she said this. However, while Bill never responded to the implication behind the fake provenance charge -- that he claims a blue-collar, man-of-the-people, up from slavery background that he isn't entitled to -- he also didn't refute the charge of writing porn, which must prove something. In any case, Bill did live in a house.
And so it is clear that this NY Times book review does constitute libel, since the paper published these untrue statements about Bill, knew they were untrue, and they did this with malice and evil aforethought. I'm sure the valiant Fox lawyers will help Bill pursue this in the courts.
Sadly, the two clergymen there for the next segment, "Are the Secularists Taking Over?" either couldn't or wouldn't agree to help Bill in his battle with the insidious NY Times organization, and Bill was left, like Gary Cooper in High Noon, to face these villains all alone. (Although, as he pointed out, he's not going to be a "Christian martyr," since he does host "the most powerful program in prime-time," and so will at least be able to take out a few of the Times' paperboys when it comes time for the showdown.) But still, it's no fun having a jihad that nobody else will join.
So, as we huddle tonight with our families, quivering in terror of the sinister, terroristic NY Times and the vast power it holds to squash us like bugs with claims that we never lived in a house, let's say a prayer for that unstoppable truth-teller, Bill O'Reilly, knowing that he is risking his life for us, to ensure our freedom from secularism, liberalism, and reviews of books that make fun of Bill O'Reilly.
12:57:36 AM 
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