Okay, all the suits are in the bar again, talking about their tax shelters, so I have a few minutes to share with the world what I've found out so far about the murder of Norman Podhoretz, and to report that Rich Lowry wets the bed. Sure, he COULD have just requested new sheets because he dropped his morning glass of orange juice, like he said. And Vince Foster COULD have committed suicide. But we all know the likelihood of either of those occurrances.
I approached Midge Decter at breakfast today (it was a buffet, complete with made-to-order omelettes!) and told her I was investigating Norman's murder at the behest of Mr. Buckley (which is basically true, since I'm doing it on his BEHALF). Midge said she thought this was very enterprising of me, and since I seemed like a nice Jewish boy, she would help me if she could. I taped the conversation:
JG: Midge, who do you think killed Norman? Who hated him?
MD: Who hated him? Well, everyone on the left, of course. They resented him for abandoning the Democratic party and starting the neo-con movement. And lots of people hated him for fathering John Podhoretz, although that's rather unfair of them.
And yes, Poddy had enemies: he had a long-running feud with Gore Vidal, because Gore is an anti-Semite, and because they're both big narcissists and like to feud. Many Muslims hated him because he wanted to wipe them out. All of his friends hated him after he said cruel things about them in his books. And he was was rather disagreeable and nasty, so he made enemies wherever he went. I'd say that anyone on this boat could have killed him. The captain, the stewards, the people in the laundry room, you . . .
JG: I get your point. But let's try to narrow things down a bit -- maybe there's something from the past that caused someone to kill him now. For instance, in an old "Murder, She Wrote" ep. I watched a while ago (I was doing a column on how TV liberals are more likely to kill old people than TV conservatives for an article I was writing about social security reform), the murderer killed a writer who had recognized him as a Nazi war criminal. Do you think that maybe Norman had realized that, say, Richard Allen was really Josef Mengele?
MD: No.
JG: Okay, if you want to protect Allen, it will be on your conscience. Then tell me about your relationship with Norman. How long have you known him, and why?
MD: I've known him for over 40 years, and we've been married for almost that long. Why? Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. He was brash, male, and messy. I longed to do housework. He seemed like my best chance of achieving feminine fulfillment
JG: Wait--you were MARRIED to Norman? But I thought you had an embarrassing crush on Donald Rumsfeld?!
MD: While the Rumstud is a very, very sexy and wonderful man, our love was never meant to be, except for an occasional quickie.
JG: You had sex with Donald Rumsfeld?!
MD: Hey, I'm not a feminist. I never pretended to have a false fear or loathing of the penis in order to escape from any responsibility for the pleasure and well-being of the man who possesses it. And besides, Don is QUITE a wrestler, if you get my drift.
JG: But if you and Norman were married, how come you two didn't share a cabin? Geez, Ramesh made me bunk with Rich, and you and Norman got separate rooms? This is SO UNFAIR!
MD: I told Ramesh that I required my own space. Norman had been criticizing Don quite severely ever since his memo became public, saying that real warriors NEVER talk about slogs, and never get discouraged, since war is the best thing EVER. He was even going to write a new book, cutting down everybody who he thought had betrayed the country by not being warlike enough, starting with the President and working his way down. I didn't want to share a bed with a man who talked that way about Don.
JG: So, he was going to write a book criticizing people. Republican people. Why that means that . . . no, Ed Gillespie would never knife anyone to death. He's an NRA member! Where were YOU last night between midnight and one o'clock, Midge?
MD: I was with Jay Nordlinger. We were . . . talking.
JG: You little tramp!
MD: Hey, like I said, I'm not one of those feminist lesbians. I'm for traditional values, and adultery is one of the most traditional.
JG: Do you know if Norman was having any traditional fun of his own?
MD: I'm not really sure. But I find it awfully odd that Kate O'Beirne went to that locked office in the middle of the night.
JG: You're implying that Kate . . . and Norman?!?
MD: Well, she did say "Women don't want a guy to feel their pain; they want a guy to clean the gutters.” If you know what she means.
JG: Fine, I'll go talk to Kate. But if you killed Norman, if you'd just confess now I could probably get it on the evening news back in the U.S.
MD: FU, kid.
So, after telling Ramesh that I had dibs on Norman's cabin, I found out from Byron that Kate was on deck, getting a tan and reading a Harlequin romance. I went over the deck chair she was sprawled out in, and told her that Mr. Buckley had assigned ME to investigate Norman's death, so she'd better tell me all she knew about his murder. And also how it was that SHE got to be on "The Capital Gang" instead of me. She didn't answer. That's when I noticed that she had a corkscrew stuck in her heart. She was dead. And somebody was responsible.
More later.
