A Man for Ann
The other day the kindly TBOGG, concerned that Ann Coulter was spending so much time on her blog for Human Events Online that she wasn't meeting men who could keep her barefoot and pregnant, opened the door for Ann's Mystery Date. It turned out to be dreamy Adam Teiichi Yoshida, whom I agree seems just perfect for the not-entirely-sane Ann. Today Adam tried wooing Ann by saying that he prays that "a benevolent God" will strike down "heathen sinner" Omar Khadr, who is going to be released from Guantanamo. (Ann loves a man who prays that God will strike down heathen sinners.)
But I'm afraid there is competition for the skeletal Ann's man-hand. We have this report from the NY Times BOLD FACE NAMES (we give them bonus points for the title):
Her Personal Ad Reads `Born Too Late for Torquemada'
The blonde in the black micro-mini, cocktail thin, was ANN COULTER, the conservative author. When we saw her at the American Songbook gala at Lincoln Center on Monday night, we asked her about her new book. She told us it was about "liberals." The tone she brought to that one word was one you might use after months of living in a deeply carpeted apartment with a dog that cannot be house-trained. "Top secret, they're no good," Ms. Coulter said. "That's the seminal insight of the book."
She was reluctant to give away the title, so she shared one that didn't make the cut. "My title, much more vicious and vindictive, was "Enemies List: The Coulter Collection."
Yes, since I already have dibs on that title, she couldn't use it. (Actually, I have dibs on Enemies List: The Ann Coulter Parallel Universe, but it's close enough that her lawyers made her come up with a different title.) I still think her new book will be called Cannibalism: How the Liberals Eat Your Children. Or maybe Female Like Me.
But on to the info about Ann's date for the evening:
A few words about our own oeuvre to her date, JONATHAN LEDECKY, who must be an excellent audience since he said barely a word: "Have you ever read their Boldface Names?" Ms. Coulter asked. "Yeah, second page of Metro. It's always about those people who you've never heard of, who no one has ever heard of."
The dinner bell rang. In the foyer, Ms. Coulter passed ED KOCH. He looked content and smiling in his forest green blazer. It was she who interrupted his moment, extending a thin hand. He seemed to have no idea who she was. She fumed, extravagantly, and told him to look her up online.
So, Ann is dating (well, appearing in public with) the "swashbuckling" Jonathan Ledecky, a guy who made a fortune "rolling up" small companies to form big companies, and per the Wash Post, one of the DC area's most eligible bachelors. Ledecky is the son of a poor black family who never dreamed he was adopted. No, wait, that was The Jerk. But he used to own a hockey team, so he seems like he might be a good match for Ann, since he's presumably used to dirty fighting. And, he has the good sense to just keep his mouth shut and let Ann do all the talking -- he learned quickly after that time when he tried to interrupt her and she shot him.
But Jonathan isn't the only man vying for Ann's man-sized hand: it seems that young Ben Shapiro was impressed by the way Ann stuck it to the Jews (well, the "non-authentic" ones who betray their religion by being Democrats), as demonstrated by the title of his latest Town Hall column: Ann Coulter is Welcome in my Orthodox Synagogue Anytime! (Yes, that's what the kids are calling it these days.) He presumably has invited her to temple to learn her place as a female, meet his parents, and throw water balloons at the reform synagogue. Says Ben:
This week, Ann Coulter caught flak from the liberal Jewish community for her latest column, "The Party of Ideas." In her column, she deconstructs the Democratic presidential candidates and exposes them for the panderers they are, especially with regard to the Jewish community.
[snip]
As Coulter points out, claiming that you have a Jew in the family or Jewish blood running in your veins doesn't mean anything when push comes to shove: "The Democrats' urge to assert a Jewish heritage is designed to disguise the fact that the Democrats would allow the state of Israel to perish as Palestinian suicide bombers slaughter Jewish women and children." Coulter rightly criticizes the Jewish community for falling for this ridiculous campaign ploy: "And that, boys and girls, is how the Jews survived thousands of years of persecution: by being susceptible to pandering."
Of course, an assertion like that arouses liberal Jews, who feel that they fulfill their Jewish obligations by eating bagels and lox, and only proclaim their Jewishness when they sense any hint of anti-Semitism from the political right wing.
Ben then points out how none of the Democratic presidential candidates are REAL Jews, or anything approaching realness. Howard Dean, whose wife is Jewish, doesn't use the correct term when referring to Hamas members (it's "Hamas baby-murderers"). Hillary Clinton, who claims some Jewish ancestry, kissed Yassar Arafat's wife (and lesbianism is NOT Jewish). And "semi-observant" Jew Joe Lieberman "lied" on the Larry King show, saying that abortion is "a matter of personal judgment. And like everything else in Judaism, ultimately, it's up to each of us to decide what we think is right." However, God (or maybe it was Michael Medved) told Ben that that's NOT what Jews believe, and so Lieberman is clearly a heathen sinner. Maybe Ben and Ann can invade his country, kill his leader (DNC chairman Terry Mcauliffe), and convert him to, um, Orthodoxy.
Ben continues:
Why are liberal Jews susceptible to pandering? Because it validates their anti-Judaic lifestyle. Deep down, every Jew still has a spark that resonates to authentic Jewish values and attitudes, values that are clearly in line with the politically conservative position.
For, as God told Moses, "Thou shalt not countenance a poor man in his cause," meaning that God wants you to vote Republican.
When American Jews are identified as a demographic group, observers should note that the vast majority of them do not practice authentic Judaism -- they practice secularism.
When prominent Democrats identify themselves as Jewish, or Jewish-sympathizing, it becomes easy for liberal Jews to justify their own betrayal of authentic Judaism. "What's wrong with being liberal? Howard Dean's wife is Jewish, and he's a liberal! He can't be bad for the Jews!" "Look at Joe Lieberman! He's observant, and he's a liberal! Leftism can't be anti-Judaic if Joe champions it!"
Liberal Jews may not like what they hear, but Ann Coulter is right. The Democratic Party has played the demographic Jewish community like a gefilte fish. If liberal Jews want the right to start screaming anti-Semitism, they need to start acting in concert with authentic Jewish values first.
Remember, "Authentic values" means "the values that Ben holds." Nobody, not even those babies killed by Hamas, can claim to be victims of anti-Semitism unless they are politically conservative. It says that in the Torah somewhere.
Anyway, back to Ann's game of Mystery Date. Will she stick with the opinionated Adam Yoshida, even though, as a Canadian, he really has no business competing with Ann in the denouncing of OUR traitors? Or will she choose rich, silent Jonathan Ledecky, whose Czech parents presumably want grandchildren, which could pose a problem for Ann (unless she just acquires some in a hostile takeover). And then there's fiery, self-righteous kiddie-pundit Ben Shapiro, who, as a virgin, would be something of a novelty to the hard-living Ann. So, who will be Ann's Prince Charming?
Hmm, it seems that Ann's choice is the guy in the stylish green jacket who played hard to get: Ed Koch. We hope Ann manages to catch him, and doesn't hurt him too bad in the process.
3:49:32 AM 
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