Friday, January 02, 2004

Ratcheting the Tension Up a Notch    As Atrios first noted (he can scoop everybody else because, while he SEEMS to be a mild-mannered blogger for a great metropolitan blog, he came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men), today Time magazine reported a new strategy in the investigation of the leak of Valerie Plame's CIA affiliation.  Reportedly, the FBI agents conducting the investigation are asking Senior Administration Officials to waive the confidentiality agreements they have with reporters, in an effort to either get the reporters to name the source of the leak; or, as in a game of Clue, allow the investigators to deduce who the leaker is by figuring out who won't sign such a waiver. CNN has now picked up the story, and also includes this insight from Time's Viveca Novak (who, despite what you might have heard, apparently isn't Robert's daughter, determined to restore the family honor by seeing that her father gets a jail term; however, she may possibly be the Bizarro World Robert, an actual reporter where he is a hack): Time magazine reporter Viveca Novak thinks it's pretty clear that Bush administration officials can't refuse to sign the document without being seen as uncooperative. She also said that gathering the releases appears to be a step toward subpoenaing reporters before a grand jury. "It's certainly a possibility because prosecutors are being very careful, I think, laying their legal groundwork here," she said. "To go to the judge and say, 'We've exhausted all other avenues for getting this information that we need and we now need the reporters to talk and the reporters are not talking. A crime has been committed here and we need them to talk.' And the judge could then hold them in contempt and put them in jail," she said. And while she said reporters are not known for responding to that kind of pressure, in the post-September 11 world with the United States on high alert for new possible terrorism, a judge may take such a request seriously. While I doubt this strategy will work, I do hope it gives a certain Senior Administration Official some bad nights as he realizes that his fate lies in the hands of Robert Novak, pawn.  I also hope the the SAO gets ulcers as he tries to estimate just how long Robert's dedication to protecting a source will last once Bob is in jail.  Heck, lets ALL spend some time imagining Robert in jail, having to rely on his good looks to attract a protector to keep the gang members from pounding him to a pulp (those liberal prison gangs can be really vicious).  Now that was fun, wasn't it? Anyway, CNN also  provide this handy list of "CIA Terms," for those playing along at home: CIA TERMS Operative: A CIA employee who gathers intelligence covertly, either in the field or from agency headquarters in Langley, Virginia. The CIA calls the job "clandestine services officer." Agent: Usually a foreign national contracted to gather intelligence in the field for the CIA. Analyst: A CIA employee who evaluates intelligence gathered by operatives and agents; not a covert position. And while this has nothing to do with the leak story, it gives me some enjoyment to correct CNN, so here goes: "Operative" is not a CIA term, but instead a "spy novel and/or Robert Novak" term.  The CIA actually calls the people who recruit foreign nationals to give up their country's secrets "Case Officers."   Other employees  of the "clandestine services" part of the CIA, the Directorate of Operations, would include support personnel, such as logistics officers, and budget officers.  The DO also employs people who may be involved in "clandestine services" like conducting paramilitary operations in Iraq, but who aren't Case Officers, in that they aren't out there committing espionage in foreign lands. An Agent is indeed someone, usually a foreign national, who had agreed to collect information for his CIA handler (whom he might not know works for the CIA, the U.S. Goverment, or even the USA).  Agents can be arrested or even killed if their association with the CIA is discovered -- that's why outing Plame was VERY BAD, in a moral sense, since she reportedly used to meet with agents in true name.  A stateside Analyst position in the Directorate of Intelligence is usually not covert, as stated.  But the person doing the analysis may very well be under cover, due to past or future career considerations.  The CIA Centers (such as the Nonproliferation Center, where Valerie Plame reportedly worked when outed by Novak), are staffed by many DO officers taking a mid-career tour as an analyst.  Most CIA employees are well aware of this, which is why I assume that Novak's "CIA source," (the one who told him that Plame was just an analyst and so it wouldn't matter if Novak announced her CIA employement to the world, despite what the CIA spokesman had told him) was not actually a CIA employee.  Hey, maybe Robert will squeal on him too, once he's doing time for contempt. And now you know all you need to work the Intelligence Community beat.  Well, MORE than you need to know, so I guess we'll have to kill you.  Sorry about that. 10:59:26 PM     comment [] trackback [] A Voice of Sanity (and Good Writing) in a Passe' Blogosphere   Jim at Rittenhouse Review has volunteered to take up the Amber-sitting challenge for today, and so examined her claim that we all pick on her because we're anti-Semites, in that she is all for "self-interest, materialism, and capitalism," just like the Jews are.  Yup.  That's what she claims.   (Hey, maybe she and Joel Mowbray would be a good match!)  [For the record, the reason that Amber is an Ayn Randian Princess is because she believes that someday, in a world full of liberal jerky men, her oversized 8-year-old Roarkian prince will come (complete with that dog trained to do tricks); and his presence alone will engulf her with objectivism pleasure.  We wish them both much happiness.] Anyway, after dealing with Amber, Jim smartly smacks a Philadelphia Weekly column which declared that blogs are "out." (My favorite line from Jim's very funny and astute commentary: "According to the little piece, which carries no byline other than 'Hip-o-Meter,' which I hope and pray is not a real person’s real name..."  LOL!) And he also discusses how a personal ad points out society's (or at least one guy's) newest category of "undatables": the "unemployeds." (I wonder if people like Neil Bush, who get lots of money for "consulting" but aren't actually employed by anybody, are included in this group of pariahs.  But then, I guess Neil doesn't actually date, since women just knock on his hotel door and have their way with him.  So never mind.) Anyway, go read the Rittenhouse Review.  It will make you feel better about being a human being. 9:05:57 PM     comment [] trackback [] But What About Amber?   So, all the men are off having LIVES over the holidays, and nobody is paying any attention to Amber Pawlik.  And that's just not right.  You can't raise a girl's expectations that way and then never call her.  You guys are in a relationship with her now, and you have to either uphold your end of it, or break things off cleanly.   Here, I'll let you know what she's been up to while you've been ignoring her, but then the ball is in your court: 1.  Amber has noticed all of you manly men (Rittenhouse Review and Pandagon get recent mentions).  She likes her her new nickname ("Ayn Randian Princess").  She even signed her full name in such a way that you guys could Google her and find her at Chapination, where she hangs out these days (apparently it's a shared blog for the Men's Wear Weekly columnists).  But since I am the one who actually thought of the nickname, all that flirting will do her little good.  2.  On Christmas, Amber complimented a guy on an article he wrote which claims that older women are bitter, and therefore unmarriageable.  Amber adds: From a female perspective, I say to other women: take this as proof. Other men aren't going to find you marriageable if you spend all your time in your twenties, ahem, "damaging your goods." (Sorry, but that is the cold hard truth of what you are doing). Every time I've brought this topic up, people seem to get really really ah ... how do you say "upset" in a nice way? with me. This includes Objectivists and others. Blah. But Amber is young, and therefore apparently unaware of the fact that no matter how pristinely a woman maintains her goods, she still is going to age.  From a female perspective, I say she'd better marry somebody TODAY, before the bitterness starts setting in.  So, which of you men are going to step up to the plate?  Jesse?  Jim? 3.  On December 30th, Amber reported that she was almost turned away at the border because the Canadian authorities were concerned about her well-being when she said she was going to visit an ex-boyfriend.  (Actually, they were probably just worried about what she might do to their country.)  This leads Amber to conclude that: Canada is the most f*cked up feminist country ever. So, see, Canadians, she is thinking of you guys too! 4.  The divorced fellows at Men's Wear Weekly still don't like the idea of Amber lecturing them about marriage -- I don't know if that accounts for the fact that she hasn't had any pieces appear there for the past couple of weeks or not.  She does, however, have a new one at FaithFreedom.org.  It's entitled "Feminists Pave the Way for Women to be Raped."  This is my favorite part from it: Every conservative man I know who hears of these gangs raping women vow they would take the situation into their own hands if the law didn’t bring justice to the rape victims.  Despite feminist activism for several years about the oppression of women in the Middle East – under the likes of the Taliben and Sadddam Hussein – they were utterly impotent in their ability to help Middle Eastern women.  It was conservatives, the Bush administration, with quick, effective military action that liberated these people, including women, from these oppressive regimes.  I am reminded of the two different first wives relationship to women in the Middle East:  Laura Bush preached to Middle Eastern leaders that they need to educate their girls as well as their boys; Hillary Clinton’s only bragging right is she tried on a burqa. Of course, if Laura was a REAL man she would have been there with the troops, liberating those women from rapists by taking the law into her own hands.  While Laura did give this radio address, I'm aware of Hillary actually traveling to Middle Eastern countries and talking to the leaders and the women ("There she was in Tunisia, lashing out at Islamic radicals in other countries who oppress women--Wash Post April 1999.  "Clinton also met with a small group of Afghan women as she continued to stress the need to include women in the nation-building process --CNN Nov 2003)  I don't think Laura has done as much.  In fact, I don't think GEORGE has done as much.   But nonetheless, you liberal guys need to get off your duffs and do something for those white Australian women who were raped by swarthy Muslim men; for Nicole Simpson, a white woman dead at the hands of a black man; and for all the Muslim women whose Burqas were appropriated by Hillary Clinton, who has some Semitic blood in her veins.  Oh, and do something for Amber.  I CAN'T keep doing it--I'm old, bitter, and unmarriageable. 5:41:25 AM     comment [] trackback [] Or Maybe He Learned That Osama is Hiding in the Wilsons' Basement   So, Ashcroft has recused himself from the "Senior Administration Official" leak case, and a special prosecutor has been named to head the investigation.  While some might think this means that some Senior Administration Official is going to have to answer for his or her deeds, others take the more sanguine view that nobody did anything wrong, but if anybody did, it was the Wilsons.  That guy whom Atrios has resolved not to read anymore (oh, you know the lawyer I mean -- his name is Glen, and he has a blog called something like InstaPuffery) has finally faced up to the fact that the case hasn't just gone away because somebody said it should.  He eagerly offers up one Eric Rasmusen 's opinions of what the Ashcroft recusal may mean: 1. The leaker has been discovered, but either the leak was not a crime or is too trivial to warrant prosecution. Well, that wouldn't  go over very well with the CIA (and they not only have lots of secrets in their vaults, but also  mechanical fish which can kill you in your bathtub if you cross them), so if that is going to be the DOJ position, then Ashcroft was indeed smart to get out while he could.  2. The investigation has uncovered misbehavior, but by people in the CIA-- perhaps Plame herself-- who are opposed to the Bush Administration. Hey, this is the best possible solution to the "how do you solve a problem like the leaker?" case -- you get the DOJ to say that PLAME is the guilty party for being a CIA employee who married somebody opposed to the Bush administration.  It's so evil, it just might work!  Eric thinks that if the DOJ investigation had uncovered Plame's dastardly plot to entrap the White House this way, then Ascroft might have recused himself so that the Democrats couldn't say that he had anything to do with steering the investigation -- even though Ashcroft has had months to steer things, if he was so inclined.  But Eric has more to say about why Ashcroft's stepping aside might mean that Wilson and Plame are the bad guys; not, you know, somebody at the White House:  It is clear there was misbehavior in the CIA in selecting Wilson to go to Niger, since it was clear he would use the opportunity to embarass the Administration without collecting any real information. Someone ought to be fired for that. It may be that an actual crime has been committed, too--- say, misuse of government money for political purposes by civil servants, or violation of a confidentiality agreement (by Wilson), or violation of a nepotism rule (by Plame), or something we don't know about. Um, no.  Just no.   But here are some reasons why: 1.  How could there possibly be misbehavior is selecting a former ambassador to undertake an intelligence mission for which he was seemingly very well suited (using his former diplomatic contacts to gather information in a part of the world with which he was very familiar? BTW, it is not yet illegal for Democrats to work for the government.  Sure, this could change at any moment, but at the time that the CIA sent Wilson to Niger, it was, in fact, AGAINST THE LAW to discriminate against somebody BECAUSE of their party affiliation. 2.  It was "clear" that Wilson would "embarrass the Administration"? Is Eric suggesting that the CIA knew that the White House would use discredited information in a presidential address (in fact, claiming this discredited information was a reason for invading Iraq), and that Wilson would contradict this claim, thus embarrassing the White House by telling the truth?  If so, he has a REALLY high opinion of the CIA's ability to predict the future (and a really low opinion of the White House.) 3.  The fact that Wilson didn't collect any "real information" about Saddam's attempts to buy uranium from Niger might possibly be because there wasn't any information to collect, n'est-ce pas?  Or does Eric feel that Wilson should have fabricated some (like the Iraqis who sold the idea to the Administration in the first place)? 4.  Yes, someone SHOULD be fired because Wilson embarrassed the President by showing that he was playing fast and loose with the facts.  Now, who should it be. . . ? 5.  If government money was "misused" in sending Wilson to attempt to verify, ONE MORE TIME, a report which the CIA had already told the Vice President's office was not only clearly bogus, but really most sincerely bogus, then maybe Cheney should indeed be given a pink slip. 6.  Wilson isn't new to the world of government secrets, and he isn't stupid.  If he signed a nondisclosure agreement about the mission, then he wouldn't have (IMHO) written an opinion piece about that mission for the NY Times and signed his name to it.  We'll see, of course, but since Wilson said that the mission wasn't secret (and nobody has contradicted him), then I think it's a pretty safe assumption that he was under no obligation not to talk about it. 7.   NOBODY (not even that idiot Novak) is claiming that Plame hired her husband to go on this mission for the CIA (Novak hints that it was either the head of the Nonproliferation Center, or somebody in the DDI's office).  So how could she have violated nepotism rules? 8.  Could Plame or Wilson have committed other crimes which the DOJ has uncovered, which we don't know about?  Sure, anything is possible.  But it seems a lot more likely that the investigation has found that a SENIOR ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL leaked classified information to a reporter, which is, you know, a crime.  And that Ashcroft recused himself when it became obvious that there was evidence pointing to a culprit, and that it was, you know, somebody from the same Bush Administration which had given Ashcroft his job, and that this might constitute a conflict of interest. I don't know anything about Eric's background, but Glenn is a lawyer, so I'm amazed that some of these points didn't occur to him.  Unless, of course,  somebody had told him this case had been officially declared bogus, and he BELIEVED it.  But he'd have to be a real maroon to have bought THAT! Again, we'll see how it all plays out, but I am offering really long odds that Plame or Wilson are found guilty of ANYTHING except being patriotic, loyal Americans who are victims of a heartless and incompetent Senior Administration Official (or Officials). 3:15:30 AM     comment [] trackback [] More Grief Therapy For Movie Audiences   I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to be blunt here: 2003 is dead and buried and it's never coming back!  Sure, you loved it -- it brought you "The Simple Life," after all -- but it's time to move on with your life.  To help you in that regard, here's the fourth section of the Subliminal Cinema chapter entitled "Coping With Grief: The Five Stages of Bad Sequels."  Today's stage: the exiting level of healing known as depression! This section begins by discussing the movie The Phantom Menace.  If you have already read this movie recap, you may skip ahead to "lessons learned' section, which includes an interview with George Lucas.  We trust you.    Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999) Written and Directed by George Lucas Our story begins with crawling titles that tediously establish the back-story (yes, it's the first movie of the series, and we already have back-story). It seems that the Fu Manchu Grasshopper People from the Federation have blockaded the planet of Nanoo-Nanoo. Jedi Knight Slo-Jinn Fizz (Liam Neeson) and his apprentice Obi-Wan Kenobi (not Alec Guiness) arrive to negotiate with the Grasshopper Viceroy. Obi-Wan feels a great disturbance in the Force, as though millions of voices suddenly cried out at once, and asked for their money back. Future-Emperor Palpitation (Whom-Nobody-Suspects-Of-Being-Evil-Even-Though-They-Are-All-Masters-Of-The-Force) orders the Viceroy to kill the Jedi. Escaping to Nanoo-Nanoo, Slo-Jinn meets local irritant Jar-Jar Binks, who looks like a malnourished moose and talks like a Jamaican bobsledder who sustained a crippling brain injury at Innsbruck. Meanwhile, the Federation forces have captured Amidala, the 16-year-old elected queen of Nanoo-Nanoo. Yes, we know—you never voted for her. But since being queen involves wearing Kabuki makeup and using a voice synthesizer, there probably wasn't a lot of competition for the job. (Do you think she dons this ornate headdress and ceremonial costume to inspire awe in her subjects, or is she just a typical rebellious teen, wearing these crazy fashions because it really bugs her mom?) Slo-Jinn and company rescue Amidala and head off for planet ChorusGirl. The Fu Manchu people blast our heroes’ ship, but everyone is saved by a plucky trashcan that manages to insert the correct cable in the VCR’s "out" terminal. And that brave little dumpster was named … R2D2. Now you know . . .the REST of the story. The good guys land on Planet Tattooing to make repairs. Slo-Jinn and his posse are heading to town to buy new spark plugs when royal handmaiden Padme informs them that the Queen ordered them to take Padme along because the Queen. . I mean Padme . . . wants to hang out at the mall. At the garage, they learn that the only vendor who stocks the right brand of spark plugs is Watto, a giant house fly with some sort of accent which members of all ethnic groups find offensive. Watto’s slave, an angelic tyke who can see CGI people ("They’re everywhere!") just happens to be young Anacin Skywalker! Yes, we get to meet Darth Vadar when he was just a 6-year-old Jiffy Lube attendant. I suppose it's true that great oaks from little saplings grow, but you'd think that they might have found one who was a little less wooden to play this role. Young Ani immediately gets the hots for Padme, and tries to seduce her with lines like, "I'm a pilot, you know." While getting a crush on the babysitter is common enough, you’d think Lucas would be over that fantasy by now. Anyway, Ani invites Padme and company to his house, where he shows them the robot he's building—a robot called C3PO. (Yes, Darth Vadar built C3PO, but apparently nobody thought to mention it in the previous three movies.) Ani informs his guests that C3PO is a protocol droid he's constructing to help his mother, the slave. After all, while most slaves in the Old South dreaded a brutal whipping at the hands of the overseer, their biggest fear was making a faux pas at the embassy banquet. When Mama Skywalker confides that little Anacin is the result of a virgin birth (yeah, nobody’s mom ever has sex), Slo-Jinn has Ani’s blood tested, and sure enough, his "midichlorian" count is off the chart! "Midichlorians," as we all learned in Biology 101, are microscopic symbionts present in the cells of all living creatures, which reveal to us the will of the Force. Aren’t you glad Lucas explained this, so you could appreciate the true grandeur of his belief system? (In the next film, we will see Queen Amidala's own Force powers increase dramatically, since midichlorians are sexually transmitted.) Meanwhile, Future-Emperor Palpitation sends his apprentice, Darth Maul (a highly skilled assassin with a weakness for the face-painting booth at the Lions Club fish fry) to kill Slo-Jinn and Obi-Wan. Palpitation and Maul represent the Synth Lords, who have vowed to destroy the Republic with German techno-pop. Anacin volunteers to pilot his home-built pod racer in an upcoming event in order to raise money for the spark plugs. Pod Racing involves blasting through Zion National Park in a highly polluting hotrod, while drunken, disgruntled fans look up from their 32-ounce beers long enough to take pot shots at you. So basically, it’s NASCAR. Anacin wins the race, and Slo-Jinn wins Ani in a side bet. He tells Mom that he’s taking Ani to teach him the ways of the Jedi. She has his room rented before he’s out the door. After a brief run-in with Darth Maul, we arrive at planet ChorusGirl, home of the Republican Senate and the worst traffic since 5:30 PM on the Beltway. Queen Amidala wears a hat made of whole ox horns in honor of her appearance before this august assembly. But still no one will help her, so she and the Jedi head for Nanoo-Nanoo, where she seeks an audience with the ruler of the Dungans, a giant toad. When he asks her who she thinks she is, a skinny white girl like her wearing too much blush, she announces that she is Queen Amidala of the Nanoo-Nanoo. Then Padme jumps up and says that SHE is Queen Amidala of the Nanoo-Nanoo. It’s like an extraterrestrial version of "To Tell the Truth." Anyway, one of the queens asks the Dungans to serve as cannon fodder and the King agrees, because he finds his people really annoying too, and hopes they’ll get wiped out. The Dungans fight the HobbyHorse Droid troops (which look like something you’d buy at Ikea and assemble yourself) by throwing water balloons at them. This works pretty well, but still you worry about the Dungans, fighting such an overwhelming army—until you realize that everybody on screen is a computer generated image, and you just don’t care any more. Slo-Jinn, Obi-Wan, the Queen, some other girl who might also be the Queen ("a long time ago, in a Parent Trap far, far away . . ."), and about four other people mount an attack on the castle. Since they couldn’t get a babysitter, they bring Anacin along too. Slo-Jinn makes him hide in a fighter ship, because what safer place could there be for a 6-year-old? Slo-Jinn and Darth Maul have a light saber duel, while the Force Tabernacle Choir hums inspiring chords in the background. Since Maul’s saber lights up on both sides, he seems to have the advantage. This is confirmed when Jedi Master Slo-Jinn gets brutally kebobed. Meanwhile, Anacin flies into space, gets through the Robot Control Satellite’s impenetrable shield and blows it up from inside! And he accomplishes all this by accident! See, what you or I have always called "dumb luck" is really THE FORCE! Back at the battle, all the robot troops immediately cease functioning (which is often the case when you buy stuff at Ikea). Later, Obi-Wan tells Yoda that he wants to make Anacin his apprentice. Yoda, who is cheesed because Jar-Jar is infringing on his "irritating Muppet speech" franchise, tells Obi-Wan that there is grave danger is training the boy, but hey, don’t let that stop you. Then there’s a big celebration, with a parade and confetti and stuff, and the Queen presents the Dungan Toad King with a glowing Hippety-Hop. To be continued . . . in a couple of years, when Anacin grows in ways of the Force, and into big-kids underwear. Stage of grief: Depression. And if you haven’t reached this stage before the movie begins, you can pretty much count on Jar-Jar to expedite the process. In fact, the rot of despair runs so deep through The Phantom Menace that the filmmakers can’t even be bothered to hire real actors half the time, and allow long stretches of their film to be hijacked by the Super Mario Brothers. And by the way, is it just us, or does The Phantom Menace sound like a film about a little troublemaker with red overalls and a cowlick who dies during a misfired prank, and comes back as a poltergeist to harass his neighbor, Mr. Wilson? You may wonder how to identify those who are suffering from this stage of grief. One major symptom of depression is apathy, which is evident from that fact that Lucas doesn’t seem to care enough to come up with even mildly convincing reasons for anything that happens. For instance: How did the good guys win? Um, Anakin accidentally destroyed the bad guys’ satellite or something—whatever. How come Anakin can do all this incredible stuff when he’s only a second-grader? Well, he has lots of…um, hypochondriac cells in his blood. Yeah, that’s it. And why does Naboo have an "elected" queen? And what kinds of idiots elect a goofy 16-year old wearing too much eye makeup as their ruler if they have a choice? How the hell should I know! Just leave me alone! You think it was my idea to make this stupid sequel? I am so tired, so tired. You know, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away this might have meant something, but not anymore. My life is a lie. Yes, Jar-Jar does represent my self-loathing and my need to punish myself. Now will you please go away? Well, clearly we’ve hit rock bottom, and there’s nowhere to go but up. Or is there…??? 1:29:48 AM     comment [] trackback []

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