This is Your Brain; This is Your Brain on TownHall
Any questions? Well, there won't be after you read today's super-surreal offerings!
Gary Aldrich
Why is the media always picking on the Bush twins? And why wouldn't it tell you the truth about Chelsea Clinton? Because it's liberal, that's why!
But Gary, who wrote a remaindered book about the Clintons, knows the real story. For example, there was this time when Chelsea called a Secret Service guy a "pig." And, as we all know, that was the term the hippies used for the police. And the hippies also used LSD and microwaved babies -- which is MUCH worse than underage public drunkenness and smoking marijuana at Ashton Kutcher's place.
Meanwhile, a recently released Zogby poll has determined that young, unmarried women are more likely to vote Democrat. Let’s see, a salacious book written about two youthful girls who are cutting up, and giving their Conservative parents fits, while they hoist a beer and rebel? Isn’t this exactly the liberal conduct favored and promoted by Democrats? If so, why is Ann Gerhart and the Washington Post seemingly unhappy with Barbara and Jenna Bush’s behavior?
So, since single women tend to vote Democratic, and Democratic women are all drunken sluts, you can see how the twins' wild behavior is just part of Karl Rove's plan to win the Single Woman vote.
Ann Coulter
Democrats (liberals) are not only all traitors, but they're also all going to hell. Well, the white ones, at least.
Then about a month ago, the Pew Research Center for the People and the Press released a poll showing that people who regularly attend religious services supported Bush 63 percent to 37 percent, and those who never attend religious services opposed him 62 percent to 38 percent. When you exclude blacks (as they do in Vermont), who are overwhelmingly Baptist and overwhelmingly Democratic, and rerun the numbers, basically any white person who believes in God is a Republican.
The only Democrats who go to church regularly are the ones who plan to run for president someday and are preparing in advance to fake a belief in God.
David Limbaugh
David can't figure out just what devious political goal is behind the President's immigration plan. Pandering to Hispanic voters? Pretending he's compassionate? Trying to trick the world into thinking Republicans aren't xenophobic? But their slimy goals matter not to David, for he will have no truck with illegality. At least, not when it involves FOREIGNERS, probably swarthy ones.
And why are we even talking about fairness in the same breath with illegal aliens? Do we owe them a duty of fairness? Does fairness mean we should not only look the other way at their criminal violations but reward them? How is that fair, by the way, to those who obey the law and to our system itself?
Charles Krauthammer
Howard Dean doesn't know anything about foreign affairs, in that he hasn't seen enough W.W.II movies to realize that capturing Saddam was just like D-Day.
It is hard to believe that serious people can have so absurdly narrow a vision of American national security. The fact is that we have other enemies in the world.
And we must invade ALL of their countries, since we have willed a connection between them and 9/11, like Jonah told us last week.
Suzanne Fields
Suzanne is the ladylike Rush Limbaugh.
I had run out of my supply of the pills by Saturday, and when it wasn't ready I threw a little fit. A lady-like fit, but a fit.
Paul Greenberg
Paul is very disappointed in Wes Clark, who has been saying unkind things about President Bush -- which clearly shows that Clark is unpresidential, since he didn't delegate.
Snappy patter, but not exactly presidential material. This is the kind of thing presidents usually leave to their James Carvilles and Ann Coulters, or to their vice presidential candidate - the way Gerald Ford left the ax jobs to Bob Dole, and Bill Clinton used Al Gore.
So, Ann Coulter is President Bush's??? Now everything makes sense, in a hideous way.
Jeff Jacoby
All of the Democratic candidates except Lieberman are "cynically attacking free trade." So, vote for Lieberman unless you LIKE paying more for things. Sure, he's a jerk, but you Democrats claimed you liked Clinton and he implemented NAFTA, so if you don't support Joe, you're all big hypocrites.
In their eagerness to pander to their party's left wing, the Democrats are sounding more and more like Pat Buchanan and Ross Perot.
Jonah Goldberg
Jonah doesn't like the President's immigration reform proposal. But he doesn't like the Democrats either. So, he's kinda for the proposal, but reserves the right to say "I told you so" when it doesn't work.
Jonah likens illegal immigration to gay marriage. (Which he's against. He's also against illegal aliens. He has to make these points clear or the other NRO writers will beat the crap out of him at recess.) But gays are here, and they're not going away. Neither are illegal aliens. In an ideal world, they would. But this isn't an ideal world, so we should tell the gays they can get married, but only to the illegal aliens.
Well, you can say one thing for President Bush's new immigration reform proposal: It makes all of the people who say he's a reincarnated Adolf Hitler look like idiots (again).
Yeah, they looked like idiots the first time when it was revealed that Hitler is actually alive, and is just ADVISING Bush.
Brent Bozell
Pop culture (especially Fox TV and Britney) is attacking the sacrament of marriage. And that should be the gays' job.
The neglected loser in this jungle of TV publicity stunts and merchandising opportunities is real-life marriage -- that alternative lifestyle of everyday endurance, sacrifice, support, and eternal love and devotion. It's privately revered by so many, but publicly promoted by too few.
So, it's up to Brent to publicly promote this beleaguered institution. Watch for his new reality TV show, "Everyday Endurance," in which his wife will get a million dollars if she doesn't smother Brent in his sleep. But the joke's on her, since she really won't get any money, and will be stuck for Brent for the rest of her life, all for nothing! It's alternate lifestyle fun for the whole family!
Ollie North
Oliver shows once again why some (well, me) have called him "Ann Coulter Lite -- all the lies, non sequiturs, and nonsense, but with 50% fewer big words and a REVERSED felony conviction."
To the media, it's OK for liberals to compare President Bush to Hitler, but unacceptable for conservatives to censure Bill Clinton for obstruction of justice and perjury. Portraying Ronald Reagan as indifferent to the plight of AIDS patients is fair game, but the media will not tolerate conservative demands that Howard Dean provide proof for his claim that Bush knew of the terror attacks in advance of Sept. 11.
Bruce Bartlett
Sure, the deficit is bad and it's Bush's fault, but at least HE isn't conspiring with supervillain George Soros to engineer a stock market crash. Not that Bruce is saying that Soros is doing that -- but he can't rule it out either.
I don't know when or if any sort of stock market crash is coming. But if I were a Democrat, I might have no choice but to hope one happens as my only chance of recapturing the White House. Indeed, if I were a conspiracy theorist, I could imagine George Soros, a billionaire currency trader known for his hatred of George W. Bush, triggering such an event. He has the wherewithal to do it and over the years has been greatly enriched by currency crises in various countries.
So, that the TownHall recap for today. Next time, just say no.
2:11:31 AM 
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