Thursday, February 05, 2004

The Book of Revelation, As Told to George Bush   Jesse of Pandagon posted a really good item about the influence the Left Behind books have had on the political scene.  He also discusses the problems of political eschatologists in general, and gives some hints about who the antiChrist might be (his name is George Evans, and he's a furnace installer in Lincoln, Nebraska). While I've never read any of the volumes in the Left Behind series (I believe the latest is Left Behind 9: Nerds in Paradise), I did see the movie version of the first book.  It stars Kirk Cameron as Buck "Naked" Williams, a studly undercover journalist who notices that people around him keep vanishing.  It ends up being the rapture and not a personal hygiene problem. And Scott C. saw the movie promoting a rival end-of-the world, The Omega Code.   Here, enjoy his handy summary -- it just might save your soul!  And stick around after the show, because God or somebody will be taking your apocaplyptic questions. THE OMEGA CODE (1999) Directed by: Robert Marcarelli Written by: Stephan Blinn and Hollis Barton Tagline: "Not just a movie...It’s a miracle!" According to the opening title card of this miracle, "Scholars seek ‘The Bible Code,’ a mathematical phenomenon whose hidden messages are said to contain the whole of human history." Give or take the last two thousand years, that is. A few other title cards follow, but basically, the movie’s premise is this: Like Playstation 2 games, the bible contains Easter eggs. Such as the "Key to Jerusalem," which brings ultimate power, for whosoever controls Jerusalem in the end days shall control the world, and get power-ups and extra ammo. Our miracle opens in Jerusalem, where an elderly rabbi is doing some sort of Hebrew Junior Jumble. Suddenly, Michael Ironside shows up with the most unconvincing beard since Lisa Marie Presley, and shoots the old man. He swipes a CD-ROM, but his escape is hampered by Sigfried and Roy, who keep bi-locating around corners until it makes everybody nauseous. Cut to an infomercial set, where Caspar the Friendly van Dien (the poor man’s Troy Donohue) has arrived to discuss the Bible Code. After introducing the spellbound audience to a revolutionary hair care regimen, he announces that the bible contains a secret crossword puzzle that foretells the future. Using advanced pink highlighter technology, Caspar proves that the Torah predicted Hitler, the Kennedy assassinations, and Isaac Hayes’ Oscar for Shaft. Then he explains that the murdered rabbi believed the Bible was actually a holographic computer program! And that his shoelaces were actually mind- reading earthworms that could control his feet! Anyway, it seems we’ve been reading the Bible wrong all these years, since it’s actually intended to be studied in three dimensions; which explains why the rabbi was wearing those paper glasses with the red and blue lenses. Cut to Rome, where Michael York (the poor man’s Simon McCorkindale) has just been appointed "Chairman of the European Union." Since the EU doesn’t have a chairman, it’s probably just something the Europeans told Michael so he’d go away. Meanwhile, the UN presents him with its highest humanitarian award, for single-handedly wiping out world hunger by inventing Pop-Tarts. Back in LA, Caspar’s marriage is in trouble, because he’s having "visions," bouts of ecstatic imagery that some might call "hallucinations," but others would call "lousy special effects." Meanwhile, some Russians are using computer technology to decode the Bible, distilling it into a series of cryptic phrases, such as "Ten Horns Unite World Peace," "Houses of Isaac and Ishmael Torn in Terror," and "April: Best Time to Buy a Great Pants Suit." The Russians blow up a papier-mâché model of the Dome of the Rock mosque, and Caspar immediately rushes to Rome to help Michael revive the Roman empire, and to introduce Michael’s new line of formal housecoats for men. Meanwhile, one of the Russians wimps out and tries to warn Caspar about...something, but he’s gunned down by a unicycle-riding clown. Michael takes over the world (but in a nice way) and rebuilds the Solomonic Temple. Caspar’s visions become clearer, and we begin to see that they’re actually home videos of the Sacramento Jaycees Haunted House. Tired of playing second banana, Ironside shoots and kills Michael, but Michael really needs the work, so he comes back to life. Meanwhile, afraid that the audience won’t sufficiently recoil from Ironside just because he murdered a man in cold blood, the filmmakers suddenly decide that he’s a homosexual, too! It doesn’t turn out to have anything to do with the story, but they felt better saying it. Michael calls the leaders of the world to his bedside, where Sam from "Quincy" wants to know what it was like to be dead. Apparently, Michael’s answer goes over big, and the leaders appoint him King of the World, on the condition that he bring about a new Pax Romana, and doesn’t make a crappy movie about the Titanic. The angels Sigfried and Roy reappear, and present Caspar with the Final Code. Meanwhile, Michael’s coronation takes place inside the new Temple, which has been meticulously reconstructed, based on Old Testament accounts and archeological data, to resemble the ballroom of the Airport Holiday Inn in Burbank. Michael is crowned King of the World, but when he declares himself god as well, there is a mighty uproar, and Sigfried and Roy must save all humanity by challenging Michael to a contest of overacting. They seem to have the upper hand, when they are suddenly shot dead by Ironside, who prefers a more understated performance style. Caspar is visited by some bad digital effects, which restore his faith, but nobody really cares. Meanwhile, Sigfried and Roy are raised from the dead, and upon their resurrection they kill Ironside by choking him with a giant hairball. Caspar surrenders the Final Code to Michael in order to prevent further bloodshed, and another dull action sequence, and Michael enters it into the computer, thereby unlocking "the DNA of the Universe." This act produces a violent lightstorm, which causes Satan to trip, and fall out of Michael’s body. The end. So, The Omega Code. It helps lower your cholesterol and gives your hair a glossy sheen. No wait, that’s omega-3 oil—the Omega Code is the scientific formula proven by Robert Vaughn to restore hair loss in men. Anyway, this movie is a dramatization of what some people believe the last days of Planet Earth will be like—trouble in the Middle East, wars and plagues, dead Sigfried and Roys coming back to life, and evil Michael Yorks deceiving everybody into thinking the EU has a chairman. Coincidence? Read the book! That is, the Book of Revelation. As you know (and we’re just trying to make you feel better by saying that, because we know that you spent your time in Sunday School sniggering at the story of the talking ass), there are several ways to interpret the prophecies in Revelation. This movie (and miracle) uses the futurist approach, which says that most of John’s predictions will be fulfilled in the 3 1/2-year period starting…now! However, other groups interpret the book differently, and until God says, "Hey, I was just kidding; are you people stupid or what?" no one can say where the truth lies. But we think we have some pretty good guesses. So let us answer your biblical questions and we’ll all go to hell together. Q: Okay, who is the Beast of Revelation? A: In our movie today, it was Michael York. But those who take a historical approach to Revelation say the Beast is the Roman Empire, or the emperor Domitian. Others have identified the Beast as Lenin, Hitler, or even Henry Kissinger. Q: But who do you say it is? A: Pauley Shore. Q: Seriously? A: No, we’re just kidding you.  Actually, it’s Adam Sandler. Q: What’s with the 666? A: It’s the number of the Beast—probably his cell phone number, but if you call, you’ll just get the voice mail of the Beast, since he’s a busy guy. Q: Is the Beast the same person at the antichrist? A: The antichrist is believed by most Christians to be Satan himself, or any false prophet, or to be anything that takes us away from God, or to be found in the laughter of small children who won’t be quiet while you're trying to sleep. But those who go in for vaguely Christian apocalyptic literature feel that the Antichrist is the offspring of the Devil (to mirror the Christian belief that Jesus is the Son of God). So, the antichrist is actually Tori Spelling. Q: What exactly is the mark of the Beast? How does the VISA card relate to the mark of the beast? What is the role of computers in the final beast kingdom? A: "The mark of the Beast" is the UN-mandated barcode that everyone will need to have on their hand or forehead to get PopTarts from Michael York in the final days. VISA cards with computer chips record everything you buy and do, and report on whether you’ve been naughty or nice—so actually, VISA is the mark of Santa, not Satan. And as we saw in the movie, computers play a very important role in the Final Beast Kingdom, and skilled computer operators are needed to input the universe’s DNA. That’s why we suggest you enroll in vocational school today, and get a degree in computer science, demonology, black magic, or gun repair. Q: And who is the Whore of Babylon? A: Jennifer Lopez.   There.  I hope you found that helpful and inspirational.  Next time we'll share ANOTHER story of the antiChrist and the end times -- The Final Conflict: Omen3.  It also shows what Jonah Goldberg might have made of his life, if only he'd applied himself, so be sure to watch for it. 6:00:55 AM     comment [] trackback []   Anonybloggers Exposed!   Ever feel disadvantaged in responding to or stalking certain bloggers because you lack their personal information?  Well, feel  that way no more, because we're naming names and pointing fingers!  We've even included family information, so that you can let TBOGG's kids know that you don't appreciate their father's stance on the Bush/Deserter issue. Here's the dirt we managed to uncover this time: Blog:  TBOGG Real name of blogger: Captain Thomas Bogg, retired Address: Easy Street, San Diego, CA Occupation: Pirate, recording star Family: Wife: Meghan; Children: Zamboni, Caligula, Vanilla, and Crapulence; pet rabbit: Junkie; dog: Satchmo the Wonder Basset.   Blog: Sadly, No! Real Name of blogger: Dr. Seb No! Address: 9 Brottenwurstenslagen Way, Munich, Germany Occupation: Supervillian, international spy Family: Wife Amber; adopted grownup son Frederick.   Blogger:  Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness Real name: Bob Norbizness Address: 52 Melody Drive, Bethesda, MD Occupation: Anti-John Ashcroft Family: Happy furry puppy named Fluffy; hot supermodel girlfriend named Mim   Blog: Naked Furniture Real name of blogger: Mary Mellon Scaife Address:  Mellon Mansion, Mellonville, PA Occupation: Activist lawyer, rebel heiress. Family: Aloof patriarchal father; former aerobics instructor trophy stepmother; bitter feminist mother; Young Republican brother; crazy great-uncle Dick; a bunch of weird cousins.   Blog: Atrios's Eschaton Real name of blogger: George Tenet Address: 12115 Main Line Drive, Philadelphia, PA (also has a pied a terre in McLean, VA for use during the week) Occupation: Director, Central Intelligence Agency Family: Wife Julia; children Robert, David, Mary Margaret, Skippy, Fidel, and Vladimir.   Blog: No More Mister Nice Blog Real name of blogger: Steve Evil Address: Stately Wayne Manor, Gotham City Occupation: Playboy millionaire, secret crime enabler Family: wife Donna Reed Evil; children Marsha, Greg, Jan, Peter, Cindy, and Bobby Evil.   Blog: Sisyphus Shrugged Real name of blogger: Julia Mhm Address: Trump Towers, New York, New York, 10013 Occupation: President, Trilateral Commission Family: Husband Hoa Hakananai'a; daughter Anne, Duchess of Northumberland.    And there you go.  I hope this was helpful.  If you want to know about anybody else, just ask. 4:32:17 AM     comment [] trackback []   The Jonah Goldberg Story: A Cheap, Peersonal Shot Made Possible Only Because I'm Anonymous and Because He's a Media Whore   [We wish to thank The Hill (and its editor-in-chief, Mr. Meghan Gurdon) for the profile Clean-Shaven, Sober and Fully Clothed, which was used as the basis for this peersonal shot.]   Jonah was born in 1969.  His mother was literary agent (and undercover Republican political operative) Lucianne Goldberg.  His father was Satan.  Jonah was raised on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, where the family lived “like Christians in ancient Rome; concealing the fact that we were conservatives.”  In fact, Jonah had a sister, Drusilla Goldberg, who died when the neighbors found out she was a conservative, and fed her to the Mayflower Hotel.           Jonah spent his childhood watching “too much television,” because the lad had no friends (for obvious reasons) and his mother couldn't be bothered with him.  Jonah attended Goucher College, a women's school near Baltimore.  Per Jonah, it had begun admitting men when he was a student there, but we can't confirm that.  Upon graduation, Jonah spent six months on a secret CIA mission in Prague, or something.  Then, through the influence of his father Lucifer, Goldberg landed a research-assistant position with the American Enterprise Institute (AEI), where both Michelle Malkin and Mr. Meghan Gurdon have also held positions.  Obviously, "AEI" actually stands for Associated Evil, Inc. After being expelled from AEI for just not being evil enough, Jonah made documentaries about gargoyles.  But Satan saw his son was going nowhere fast, and somehow “'the Lewinsky thing' happened."  For those of you too young to remember it all, there's a brief summary of Jonah's part in it here ( The Jester of MonicaGate : How Lucianne Goldberg's son Jonah has turned his 15 minutes of fame into a full-time job).  It's at Salon, but full registration is not required to read it if you're part of the cool clique. Per Jonah, what saved him from all of that fame was Rich Lowry, asking him to write for the National Review's fledgeling website.  And the rest is history!  Serving as the NRO's editor-at-large, Jonah has aided the conservative cause by co-opting "The Simpsons," the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and "Star Trek" for all  the young, hip rightwingers who never leave their houses.  In fact, to further his Star Trek creds, Jonah tried operating a transporter during an ion storm so he could switch places with his double from the evil universe; while the swap worked, nobody noticed any difference, so the two Jonahs switched back.  Jonah's experience with the Janet Lester gender-transposing machine had slightly better results.                          "Evil" Jonah                          Feminine Jonah Jonah has a wife, who is planning on leaving him while he's on the Bermuda cruise, and a one-year-old daughter who is planning on becoming a performance artist when she's 18.  And that is Jonah Goldberg in a nutshell.  Summary: Given his heritage, Jonah, like Damien, was destined for evil.  But Jonah represents INCOMPETENT evil.  As Scott C. explains, Jonah is like "the Pillsbury Doughboy gone bad."  Instead of giggling when you poke him in the stomach, he will scream shrilly and get on your nerves.  His biscuits contain tranfatty acids that might eventually clog your arteries.  He'll get you sticky if you cross him!  He's poppin' stale. Jonah is that kid whom you feel sorry for, but still don't want on your dodgeball team.  He wishes he was Atrios or Jesse, and could be part of the cool group, but that will never be.  He aspires to be Aragorn, but is in reality Milhouse Van Houten.  We hold no ill will towards him (who could hate Milhouse?), and wish him all the best in finally moving out of Mom's basement. 3:06:58 AM     comment [] trackback []   Those Anonybloggers That All the Cool Kids Are Talking About   ANONYBLOGGERS [Jonah Goldberg] About time someone else complained about anonymous blogging. Instapundit and myslef were alone for a long time (I'm sure others complained too, I just never heard about it). Yeah, Jonah an' Insty INVENTED complaining about anonymous blogging, but they were ahead of their time.  Andrew Sullivan complains about it and links to an article that requires full registration at Salon which apparently complains about it more. Sadly, no one ever told Jonah that you can just click through an ad and have full access to the Salon articles (I bet the conspiracy of anonymous bloggers kept that secret from him), and therefore he has no way of knowing that the Salon article is incredibly stupid in its complaints, and reveals more about the author's lack of research than it does about the ethics of pseudonymous blogging.  Jonah would have loved it!  Frankly, I think Atrios and other bloggers who are too chicken to put their names behind what they say are cowards and, to a large extent, losers. And they are cowards and losers because if they don't put their full, legal name behind what they say, they are violating the rules of blogging, which Jonah and Insty invented back in 1962.  I do think they have the first amendment right to do it -- the Federalist Papers were anonymous after all -- but who cares if they have the right to do it? Moreover, readers who think anonybloggers are heroes of some kind should do a quick moral inventory. If it's wrong to insinuate something without proof, surely it's wrong to throw around insults without having to face the consequences. Readers, I would like you to consider me a hero, okay?  You don't know my name (except for those of you who do).  You don't even know my sex: am I a man, a woman, a gay man, a hermaphrodite?  You don't know (unless you have been paying attention).  Clearly, you should idolize me because of my mysteriousness.  Pay no attention to what I write, because that's beside the point.  And give me a MILLION hits because of my anonymity.  Because that's now it worked for Atrios, right?  I mean, if you didn't know Jonah's name, you'd love and adore him like you do Atrios, n'est-ce pas? So, now that I am your hero, I will analyze Jonah's argument for you:  "I asked for allegations, rumors, or made-up stories about liberals behaving badly, which I presented without sourcing.  And bloggers on the left said that wasn't right, and made fun of me.  But how is that any worse than calling me on my stupidity without giving me your names and addresses, so I can respond to your charges by pointing out that your name is stupid, or encouraging my readers to make prank phone calls to your place of business?" My job would certainly be a hell of a lot easier if no one could take cheap, peersonal, shots at me. But that's the price you pay in this business. Posted at 10:57 PM Yes, poor Jonah has paid the price in this business that comes from having everyone know that his mother is Lucianne Goldberg.  And that price was a job with the National Review Online.  It's sad, really. But say, if he's ready for those cheap, "peersonal" shots, my friend and collaborator Scott C. (who isn't me, btw . . .or IS he?) has given me an idea for one.  I'll be back with it shortly.  Along with a shocking expose of many of the Anonybloggers.   TBOGG, Sadly, No!, Norbizness, others, you're going to be revealed!!! 12:42:38 AM     comment [] trackback []

© Copyright 2004 World O' Crap. Last update: 3/1/2004; 4:24:25 AM. This theme is based on the SoundWaves (blue) Manila theme.