Desperately Seeking Conservatives
On a day when everybody is talking about marriage, it's nice that young Judson "Cloned Pandas of Mass Destruction" Cox takes up the concerns of us singles.
If you are single (which I am), Valentine’s Day is a reminder of just how difficult it is to find the right person. It is particularly difficult if you are conservative. For an example of why, think of the Super Bowl Halftime Show. If you found it offensive, the club scene would equally offend you. Moreover, you probably have little in common with fans of Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake.
Yes, it's tough to be conservative and therefore unable to find love during the Super Bowl Half-time show like everyone else. And if you found the show offensive, then it follows that you don't like "the club scene," popular music, or breasts, and therefore you will never find a mate, and will die alone and unloved.
Shared values are essential to forming long-term relationships, but it is difficult to identify people who share your values in a social setting. Politics just aren’t sexy (unless you are Ann Coulter), and they don’t make for good flirtation fodder. You will never find a collection of pick-up lines that includes, "So, what do you think about national defense?"
I'm starting to wonder if Judson is really serious in his search for love, because why would he expect to find his ideal woman (one who is offended by everything except national defense) by using pick-up lines?
But yes, politics ARE sexy if you are Ann Coulter, since for her it's like S&M, except that she doesn't have to be in the same room with the people she's trying to humilate, dominate, and hurt. But sadly, nobody in (or out of ) politics finds Ann sexy. Well, except for Judson, Ben Shapiro, and a few other pimply virgins who don't know what the adam's apple means (or who pretend they don't, so they don't have to confront what attraction to Ann means about them.)
There are also environmental challenges preventing conservatives from meeting. To begin with, if you are in college, you are pretty much up a certain malodorous creek without a paddle. Not only are most college students liberal, the atmosphere on campus tends to keep conservatives closeted for fear of retribution. You can join the College Republicans, but these groups are often smaller than a Sunday school class in Manhattan.
Okay, now I'm sure that Judson is just playing games with us, since he attends Liberty University, which should be chock o'block with comely Young Conservatives, College Republicans, and Young Abstainers Who Object to Breasts.
With each year you remain single after graduation, your odds of marrying become less likely.
If you're not married by age 22, you can pretty much forget it.
Much depends on your choice of career; if you go into education, public service, sociology, psychology, journalism or entertainment, you are more likely to be struck by lightning than you are to meet another conservative -- much less a single one. You can try to increase your odds by joining political groups; however, conservative groups are usually made up of (married) retired people.
That guy who plays the lead in Mel Gibson's A Fistful of Jesus* chose a career in the entertanment field, and HE got struck by lightening. That must prove something.
But it is true that conservative political groups are usually made up of old, boring, ugly, married people. Take the Republican Party, for example.
The temptation is to settle for a person who may not share your values. For liberals, there is little danger in marrying a conservative. Conservatives are generally intelligent, well humored, have good work ethics, save and invest, plan for the future and are family oriented. The worst thing liberals have to worry about is that their husband or wife may take their kids to church! For conservatives, the situation is very different. We have to worry that our children may be aborted without our knowledge or consent! Our liberal partners may give our hard earned money to communists, encourage our children to have premarital sex, use drugs, drop out of school, follow pagan religions or become homosexual!
That happened to a conservative friend of mine. She was a junior in college, and knew that her time to find a husband was running out. So, she married some guy whom she picked up a a half-time show by asking him what he thought about national defense (he thought it was nice). Sure, he was a liberal, but she believed that her love could change him. But she soon found out that while she was out delivering Avon, he was giving her hard earned money to Communists! He was also encouraging their twin toddlers to have premarital sex, use drugs, follow pagan religions, and become homosexuals!
She was shocked, as you might imagine. But when she learned he had aborted their other children without her knowledge or consent, it was the last straw! She had no choice but to have an affair with a married conservative who TOOK from the commies, instead of giving (he took both money and prostitutes). And soon she was bearing his child, without the knowledge or consent of her husband. I don't know what her married lover encourged his children to do, but their cousins are known for their alcohol and drug excesses. And that man's name is . . . Neil Bush. And now you know the REST of the story.
Anyway, Judson goes on to explain that some people do stupid stuff to meet other single conservatives, like getting hooked up by the Sean Hannity radio show.
Usually, it is a woman, who (regardless of age) is despondent because the only men she meets, who share her values, are her father’s age. It seems the feminists of thirty years ago were successful, and today’s young women are paying the price -- there just aren’t too many John Waynes sauntering across college campuses (except for me, of course!).
Thirty years ago, the feminists succeeded in their aim of aborting all the male conservatives and John Wayne clones, leaving young female conservatives no eligible mates except for Judson. Damn that Gloria Steinem!
Having experienced this dilemma, I was shocked to find that online dating sites for conservatives are few.
How odd. When I checked out the online conservative matchmaking sites, I was shocked to find that there are so many (learning of the existence of the Ann Coulter Dating Club was, all by itself, enough to floor me). I wonder why Judson couldn't find them.
The only one I found was www.RepublicanConnections.com , a new website that opened Valentine’s Day of this year.
Okay, now we see the purpose of this column: Judson is shilling for RepublicanConnections. No wonder he played up the difficulty of finding love during the Super Bowl Half-time show.
This site is different from non-ideological sites. Firstly, it is exclusive to conservatives. The owner makes every effort to evaluate each member profile and weed out liberals.
I visited the site. At this point it just consists of the home page (a lame graphic of an elephant and a blurb that sounds suspiciously like Judson's paragraph about what a hardworking, moral, family oriented people the conservatives are), an application page, and a legal disclaimer which informs you of the scads of things for which RepublicanConnections is not responsible (including "personal injury or death, resulting from anyone's use of the Website or the Service").
Anyway, the questionnaire used to come up RC profile only asks six questions (gender, age, Political Party, religion and/or Denomination, Profession or Education Level, and "About Me"). Of those, you are only required to answer the first two. So, it's entirely possible for a liberal (gasp!) to slip through the service's rigorous screening. Thus, you might fall in love and marry someone you met at the site, only to realize years later (after he donated all your money to the Communist Party and aborted your children) that he was actually a liberal. And so you'd kill him and then be sentenced to death yourself, but RepublicanConnections would NOT be liable, since they said in their disclaimer that they wouldn't be.
Secondly, only members can enter the site - which prevents voyeurs. I particularly like the explanation of membership, that explains, "At RepublicanConnections.com, we only accept paid memberships; because, you get what you pay for, and only liberals expect to get something for nothing."
Well, that little jab should get the conservatives to cough up $20 a month, even though the service doesn't tell you many members they currently have (my guess: just Judson), doesn't let you look at any member profiles, and doesn't explain what you get for your money (except for a chance to submit your profile).
I predict that RepublicanConnections.com will become a very successful business over the next year -- I signed up! The most successful businesses look for needs and fill them; they have done just that. This is capitalism at its finest, and humanitarianism at its most basic level -- the family.
As you might recall, a couple of weeks ago Judson was moaning about having to get up early and drive to his crappy job, where they made him do tiring and/or boring stuff all day in exchange for just enough money to pay the morgage on his crappy house and put gasoline in his crappy car. So, I guess he decided that being an entrepeneur (AND humantiarian) was actually the way to the riches promised by the free market, and he quit the job at Walmart and put together a (crappy) conservative dating service.
For those of you who raised a lone glass in toast to this Valentine’s Day, I wish you well in your search for love. Let us persevere in our quest so that we may not drink alone next year. The greatest hope for our nation is that it will be comprised of strong families, who will raise conservative children. I, for one, think it’s time to start looking for love in all the RIGHT places.
Thanks for the thought, Judson. And I in turn hope that you make back the $50 you invested in setting up this dating scam, and get at least one date out of it, even if it's with Rush Limbaugh.
*Check out TBOGG's list of titles for Mel's movie. I think my favorite is "Crouching Jesus, Hidden Agenda."
And while you're there, scroll up and check out The Bold and the Beautiful Bush Slogan contest (as suggested by Ben Shapiro). I'm still working on mine, but I'm leaning towards a variation of the slogan Mayor Quimby used in the race against Sideshow Bob. You know the one: "Vote Quimby: If you were running for mayor, he'd vote for you." And of course, that made me think of the analogy Peggy Noonen used in the Wash Post chat (and her last column) to explain why people liked Bush, even though he was an idiot.
So, my slogan idea is: "Vote Bush: If your house was on fire, he'd stand outside and direct traffic."
5:16:07 AM 
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