Ann for a Day
In a piece called Liberalism is Unpatriotic, young master Kyle Williams tries out for the position of Ann Coulter's understudy: Eve Harrington to her Margo Channing, Roy Cohn to her Joe McCarthy. And while he has many of Ann's techniques down cold, he's still missing that extra touch of slimness and venom that makes Ann Ann. But let's study his work, and see if we can help him improve.
During the dead heat of this election year, sharp criticism is in the air against President Bush, and this being a post-war time, critics are out in further attacks over the legitimacy of the war in Iraq. In return, these critics are being attacked by conservatives and by the administration; thus an all-out political war is ongoing.
These critics must concur with Hillary Clinton, who, in April 2003, shouted out to a group of supporters, "I am sick and tired of people who say that if you debate and you disagree with this administration somehow you're not patriotic. We should stand up and say we are Americans and we have a right to debate and disagree with any administration."
Okay, I admire the way he started out with a strawman (Why must Bush critics concur with what Hillary said in 2003? Because Kyle said so -- and watch him prove them wrong!) And Hillary bashing is always a nice touch. But in order to be properly Coultereque, Kyle should have said something about how Bill sold secrets to the Chinese while raping Juanita, as Hillary performed abortions on unwilling Christian teens. And then sneered about how they weren't patriots as they looted the White House art to fund their opium smuggling ring.
Primarily because of the war and further because of the Republican controlled legislative and executive branches, liberals have been attempting to take the side of the underdog, the victim.
In Hollywood, socialist actors complain of blacklisting and Tim Robbins carps about his lack of popularity. On Capitol Hill, politicians like Clinton are complaining about their standing as patriots, claiming another Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy is out to get them. A caller into Matt Drudge's weekend show accused President Bush of silencing her and keeping her from thinking. Many radical liberals are accusing the media of not criticizing the Bush administration and its war in Iraq.
It's almost Ann-like the way he presents unsubstantiated allegations (WHICH socialist actors are complaining about blacklisting?), lies (neither Hillary Clinton nor politician "like her" are complaining of right-wing conspiracies), and irrelevancies (a caller to Matt Drudge's show said something stupid -- big whoop).
But here's how Ann might have done the latter paragraph:
In Hollywood, where they give standing ovations whenever Leni Riefenstahl's name is mentioned on Oscar night, socialist actors complain of being blacklisted, even though they are such America-hating cretins that they think that Joe McCarthy had something to do with the Hollywood blacklist, when of course he didn't, as he was too busy keeping Truman from selling our nuclear codes to the USSR at the time. And anyway, blacklisting was much better than those Stalin-loving, mass-murderers deserved. And Tim Robbins, who never met an American flag he didn't spit on, now cries to his mommy-figure, Susan Sarandon, about how nobody likes him just because he's a traitor. On Capitol Hill, Hillary Clinton's secret cell of Satan-worshipping accolytes have been blackmailed into following her lead and making ridiculous claims about "Vast Right-Wing" conspiracies hiding in their closets. Just what would these "Right-Wing conspiracies do to them anyway: make them stop scooping out the brains of babies, or force them to touch a Bible?
And so on -- it's making my head hurt to write like Ann, so I'm going to quit now.
Anyway, the gist of young Kyle's arguement is that the libs are whining about being underdogs, which is ludicrous, because they have the schools, the courts, the media, and "a billion-dollar political machines on their side." And despite their constant boo-hooing about being called unpatriotic, nobody actually ever does that to them. Because it wouldn't be nice, and conservatives are nice, above all.
And what does "patriotism" mean anyway? Since nobody has ever bothered to define it before, as a public service, Kyle does. It turns out that it means "a love of the people of the nation and a love of the land. America is home, and Americans are fellow citizens. Home is not France or Germany, and fellow citizens are not Germans or Frenchmen."
So, if you marry a German, you're not a patriot. If you like French toast or French kissing, you're not a patriot. If you care in any way about the rest of the world (what they think, what happens to them, etc.), you're not a patriot. To prove your patriotism, you should be willing to nuke them all right now.
Secondly, patriotism is an allegiance to the ideas of a nation. The ideas of our country, contained within the Constitution, Declaration of Independence and writings of the founding era are our principles. These are not all-inclusive ideas, but are strict and exclusive.
Thus, logically, if patriotism can be defined, there are those who are patriotic and those who are unpatriotic.
So, if you want to abolish slavery, let women vote, or impose an income tax, then you aren't a patriot.
And it also turns out that "Modern-day liberalism – which is really socialism or eventually communism," is, by it's very (Kyle-written) definition, unpatriotic, because communists like Russia better than America, and so come in conflict with Statute One of the "Kyle Williams Patriot Act." And even some Republicans are unpatriotic, because they don't believe in strict Constitutionalism, and won't let Oklahoma choose The Passion of the Christ as their state religion, even though David Limbaugh and Alan Keyes insist that the Constitution says it's their right. Although Kyle doesn't give any figures, I think the number of true patriots in America must be small: maybe only Kyle, his family (except his older brother, who always teases Kyle), the members of his church, the people on his buddy list, the members of the John Birch Society, and Rush Limbaugh.
Sen. Clinton, no mainstream conservative has branded you as unpatriotic. Yet, if patriotism is not just another demagogic word to throw around, then you don't have it.
Patriotism has meaning and it's important, but it's sorely lacking in American today.
While "no mainstream conservative" may have used that exact word, I get 2850 Google hits (one of them being a copy of Kyle's column, and the associated admiring comments, posted at Free Republic) when I search for "Hillary Clinton" and "unpatriotic."
And yes, Kyle, patriotism has meaning, but you don't get to make up that meaning -- at least, not until you grow up and buy a dictionary company of your own. Or until you go Through the Looking Glass:
"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less."
"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many different things."
"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master - that's all."
So, nice try, but no Adam's apple. And one more suggestion: instead of calling this column "Liberalism is Unpatriotic," you should have called it Child Molesting: How Liberals Destroy American by Not Agreeing With Me. THAT would get Ann's attention!
5:25:35 AM 
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