Sunday, May 16, 2004

Marriage Tips From Tom and Nicole   Since our theme today is courtship and marriage, here's the last part of the Subliminal Cinema chapter "MARITAL SUCCESS AND THINNER THIGHS THE HOLLYWOOD WAY."  If it strengthens just one marriage, my work here won't have been in vain ***** Now that we’ve learned valuable lessons from Bruce and Demi about spicing up your marriage with hippos and pith helmets, let’s turn to Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise for a little lesson about orgies, and how they’re fun . . .until somebody gets killed! And besides, they’re never conveniently located, and the other guys all look like Sydney Pollack, and eventually you decide you’d rather just stay home with the wife and watch "The Flying Nun." Eyes Wide Shut (1999) Directed by Stanley Kubrick Written by Stanley Kubrick and Frederic Raphael; inspired by the novella by Arthur Schnitzler She was completely nude; he was dressed like a pirate. Can this marriage be saved? Even before the title, Nicole Kidman has slipped out of her clothes. This is so the people who just rented the movie to see her naked don’t have to waste their time watching the next 158 minutes (but it only seems like 18 months). But for those of you intrepid enough to venture onward, Kubrick will reward you with a meticulously detailed film exploring important themes. Oh, and an orgy. Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise are a happily married Manhattan couple who live in a fabulous apartment with a Christmas tree and a daughter. But this is all put to the test when they attend director Sydney Pollack’s lavish party at Versailles, and it turns into "Euro Temptation Island." Nicole gets hit on by a lascivious Yugo salesmen, while a Bulgarian supermodel propositions Dr. Tom--he removes a cinder from her eye, and she claims it’s like pulling a thorn from a lion’s paw, in that the lion must later sleep with you. But before anything happens, Tom is called to assist Sydney with a medical emergency: a nude woman with large, economy-sized implants has passed out on his bathroom floor. Tom cures her by showing her his dimples, and Sydney Pollack promises him the lead in The Firm if he will keep his mouth shut about the whole thing. Tom and Nicole go home and discuss the party. Nicole gets mad because Tom says the oily guy only wanted to have sex with her, but insists he wasn’t jealous because he knows that she would never cheat on him. Tom, Tom, Tom—obviously Scientology doesn’t increase intelligence as claimed. ("Why am I a clueless lunkhead? Page 213.") Nicole sweetly retaliates by recounting how last summer she fantasized about a handsome naval officer she’d met. "If he wanted me, even if only for one night, I was ready to give up everything," she murmurs. Oh, and his name was "Iceman" Kazanski! Take that, Top Gun! This confession does not sit well with Tom, who wanders around town having lurid daydreams of Nicole in bed with Iceman, and himself in bed with Viper Metcalf. Tom eventually finds himself in the club where old pal Nick Nightingale plays piano. But Nick can’t stay and chat, since he’s got a gig at the Trilateral Commission’s office Christmas party. Tom wants to go too, but Nick says that everyone will be costumed and masked, and where is Tom going to get a costume at this time of night? Tom runs to a costume shop, wakes the owner, and informs him that he’s a doctor who has a medical emergency requiring a Captain Hook outfit. Now properly attired, Tom enters the party to find that a crowd of scary figures in robes and masks are chanting in Latin. It’s the Vatican’s production of "The Omega Man"! Then a circle of worshippers drop their gowns to reveal they are beautiful women attired in nothing more than g-strings, high heels, and perky chapeaux. Ah, so it’s actually Vegas night at the First Satanist Church. A nude woman in a feathered headdress (and enough silicone in her chest to meet Intel’s production needs for the next fiscal year) warns Tom that he is grave danger. And it is true that orgy participants are at high risk for strokes, heart attacks, and jock itch. But before Tom can learn to orgy sensibly, he is revealed as a trespasser and forced to remove his mask. "Now get undressed," the head guy demands. "Undressed?" Tom responds. (He apparently didn’t have time to learn his lines, and so throughout the movie repeats everybody else’s.) The woman in the headdress interrupts to say that she will take Tom’s place, since she’s already undressed and stuff. Tom is free to go—but if he ever tells anybody what he saw, he will suffer the direst consequences. Presumably, the same penalties that one incurs for early withdrawal from a money market account. Meanwhile, somebody keeps playing one piano note over and over, very loudly; it’s either meant to create tension, or to drum up Excedrin sales. Tom can’t leave the mystery alone and becomes the Joe Friday of the AMA, flashing his doctor’s ID and questioning people right and left. Eventually, he reads a newspaper account about a dead ex-beauty queen, and rushes to the hospital morgue, reasoning that since it’s the only newspaper story he’s ever read, it has to be significant. We see that the nude body on the slab has breast implants so large that they had to cut holes in the top of her storage drawer. Yes, it’s the woman from Sydney Pollack’s party and the woman from the orgy, the one who said it could cost her her life! And it did! Tom now regrets his unyielding stand on nudity, and wishes he had at least offered to strip to his briefs and lip-synch "That Old-Time Rock and Roll" for the group. Sydney calls, and Tom finally realizes he may be more than just the sinister director of Tootsie. But Syd tells Tom that he has it all wrong—the secret conspiracy is actually a service organization that runs bake sales and walkathons. Everything that happened at the party—the threats, the warning, the woman’s intervention—was all fake. "Fake?" replies Tom. "Yes, fake," repeats Sydney impatiently; as a director, he has no sympathy for actors who don’t learn their lines. He explains that it was all just to scare Tom. Basically, the whole movie’s a "Scooby-Do" episode. And they got away with it too, despite the meddling kid. Tom goes home to find his Captain Hook mask on his pillow. This causes Tom to break down and sob to Nicole, "I’ll tell you everything." Immediately, police departments start putting Captain Hook masks on the pillows of suspects. The couple goes to a toy store and exchanges fraught dialogue about the nature of reality. And then Tom brings up Iceman, and Nicole says she faked being clear, and Tom says he want a divorce, and Nicole says she does too, and we realize Kubrick was the prophet, not L. Ron Hubbard. The End. And what did this final movie teach us about marriage maintenance? The first lesson is obvious to the even the most dimwitted of guys: never tell your wife that she would never cheat on you with a sleazy, old gigolo she met at Sydney Pollack’s house. Because then she will be forced to do it, since it’s in the script, which you would have known if you’d bothered to learn your lines. So there! Next, we learn that while sexual fantasies are fine, and are good for enlivening your regular Saturday night thing (whatever that may be), there are some dreams you should never share with your partner because they might hurt him or make him run around town in a Captain Hook outfit. In our movie, Nicole told Tom that she had fantasized joining the mile-high club with Iceman. This really got to Tom, and caused him to do stupid things, like reading a newspaper and barging into a rich folks version of a sci-fi con. (Think about it: weird communal chanting, silly costumes, cliques, and lots of casual sex—it was just like a Star Trek convention. Except for the sex, of course). A final lesson we can take from this movie is that if you suspect that your husband may be cheating on you, if you put the mask from his Captain Hook costume on a pillow, he will break down and confess all. And then, once you know all about him and Tinkerbell, you can either forgive him and move on, or feed another part of him to the crocodile. You’ve now completed our course of Marriage Building through Movies. We hope these three films have left you more committed to monogamy, more dedicated to matrimony, and more welded to wedlock than you were before. And if not, may we suggest three additional films? Double Indemnity, Dial M For Murder, and How to Murder Your Wife. 6:54:11 AM     comment [] trackback []   Jesus Christ, Romance Author   It's Sunday, and time for some Biblically-based courtship.  So, if you go to the Young Ladies Christian Fellowship site, and then to their Courtship Stories ("written by the Author of Romance, our Lord Jesus Christ"), you can learn how it's done. First on the list is Amie's story, which is just a minute-by-minute account of her wedding day, but it does include this special moment. Then the big moment came. Pastor said, "You may now kiss the bride." We had been waiting for this for a long time. I had given a lot of thought to the whole matter, and even though I would have it no other way, wondering why the first kiss had to be in public. I had always worried I'd make a fool of myself. But when he said that, every inkling of nervousness abandoned me and it went fine. Great, actually! :-) And I even hoped, rather than feared, that people would be able to tell it was the first time. That made it extra special.    Yes, having everybody know that you (unlike some slutty girls in the congregation) waited until the ring was on your finger before you let your lips be touched by a man's does make it extra special. And then there's the story of Samuel Crank's courtship of Aimee Beaver, as told by Samuel's father: Samuel was home schooled from the middle of first grade on through high school. Following that he continued to live at home while commuting to college pursuing an engineering degree. Though he had interactions with other young people at church, he was committed to courtship and did not date and tried to avoid any relationship with a young lady beyond that of a brother in Christ. By the time he finished college at age 21, he had a good job lined up in the Dallas area (we lived in Houston) and seemed ready for marriage. But at that time there was no one on the immediate horizon that seemed both ready for marriage and a possible good match for him. Samuel would have preferred to be married right after college and before moving away from home, but instead he was moving to the Dallas area alone, to begin his new job. His younger sister was already being courted and would likely be married soon, but he had no prospects. As his parents we wondered how this would work out - we would also have preferred him to find a wife while still living at home! Because if you let their children ever live on their own before being properly wed, they might, you know, kiss someone of the opposite sex and doom their immortal souls. Anyway, eventually Mrs. Beaver, Aimee's mother, hears about Samuel from a friend of Mrs. Crank's, and the Beavers go hear him preach. They were all very impressed with Samuel (including 16 year old Aimee). I'm sure they were -- and they do have old maid Aimee to marry off.  They invite the Cranks to come visit their home, but the Cranks never do. However, a couple of years go by, and the Cranks still haven't found anybody suitable for Samuel (who isn't getting any younger).  They recall Aimee, and finally go have that dinner with her and her family.  The Cranks decide on the ride home that that their son should marry her.  Mr. Crank starts working on Samuel (reminds him that he needs a wife and SOON, because he's already in his mid-20's; describes this homeschooled young woman he's found who would be perfect for him, etc.) and eventually gets his son to agree to ask Aimee's father if he can court her.  But Samuel apparently lollygags, because Mr. Crank asks Mr. Beaver for him.  Aimee's dad says okay. So Samuel starts spending time with the Beaver family.  After a few months, he has developed a tepid affection for Aimee, and she seems to be able to stand him.  The Cranks and the Beavers have "regular discussions" to monitor how things are going between the young people, and in December they decide that it's okay for Aimee and Sam to become "more emotionally involved" (which apparently means they are now allowed to talk to each other).  In March, both sets of parents give Samuel permission to propose to Aimee -- which is just a formality, because she has about as much say in all this as Samuel does.  And then both sets of parents say the couple can marry in August.  The couple enjoyed their first kiss at the end of the ceremony. They now reside happily in Lewisville, Texas, just north of Dallas. We wish them all the best, but imagine their parents are still giving them detailed instructions each morning on how to live their lives.  But probably the most educational courtship account that the Christian Ladies have to offer concerns Rebbeca and Ben's road to the altar.  Here's Rebecca's "short version" of her story (the long one runs nine pages): I read about Ben in a newspaper when I was 16, was interested in marrying him, and prayed for him. Years later (seven to be exact), I met his father at a seminar, and he decided (unbeknownst to me) that I might make a good wife for his son and invited my family over to meet his. Ben decided after that first visit that I was the one for him, and that was that. :o) Well, that wasn't quite that, for Rebecca's story is educational because it includes the 400-item questionnaire that her father required all of Rebecca's potential suitors to complete before they were allowed to spend any time with his daughter.  Since Ben was the only one who answered all the questions, he got Rebecca,  Sure, she was put off at first by his reticence, but it turned out that he had made a vow to never speak to girls -- but once they were engaged (and it was okay to talk to her), Rebecca found out, through the Lord's efforts, that he was wonderful, and they will be married next month. Anyway, since I'm sure that some of you are the parents of daughters, let me share with you some of Rebecca's father's Courtship Questions -- but you really should print out the whole list and give to any potential swains before that first pre-courtship meeting. Spiritual Questions 14.  Which Bible version(s) do you believe to be the Word of God in the English language?  Which Bible version(s) do you read and study from?  Please give the reason(s) for your answers. 15  Do you believe in the Biblical doctrine of creation (not theistic evolution, which says that God created the universe, but He used evolution to do it)?   Financial Questions 4.  Are you committed to giving your wife all your assets if you should die? 9.  Are you willing to show us a copy of your credit report, bank statements, and other assets, including possible inheritances? Personal Questions 1.  Are you a virgin? 4.  Do you have a conviction for a "hands-off" courtship and betrothal i.e. no physical contact before marriage?  If yes, have you ever violated this conviction in the past, or if no, have you had physical contact in past relationships or friendships?  If yes, please explain the extent of your physical contact or involvement in each relationship or friendship, and if you felt convicted about it, how you cleared your conscience in these matter(s)? 28.  Do you vote faithfully and do you vote for righteousness?  If so, please tell us who you have voted for and how you have voted in the past and why you voted that way, e.g., major candidates and important issues? 41.  What do you plan to be doing five years from now if the LORD tarries? Medical questions 7.  Is there anything that you know of that would prevent you from fathering children? [Note: if you answer "condoms," you're out of the running right here, because not only does Pastor Easley not believe in birth control, but he also doesn't seem to have much of a sense of humor.] Family Questions 3.  If saved, are your family members first generation Christians, second, third, etc.?  (This is to help determine the background and spiritual heritage of your family.) 10.  What, if any, are the generational curses, sins, or family transgressions you will bring into the marriage?  Are there any suicides in your immediate family?  (These questions are very important.  There is a difference between a transgression, an iniquity, and a sin) Questions Concerning Your Future Wife 15.  Are there any situations in which you would allow your wife to work outside the home? 18.  How do you want and expect her to cook? All you single young men out there should probably download the whole list and start completing it now, because you never know when your father is going to decide that you've met your chosen mate, and it's going to take you a while to answer all the questions. 5:09:46 AM     comment [] trackback []

© Copyright 2004 World O' Crap. Last update: 6/1/2004; 4:33:26 AM. This theme is based on the SoundWaves (blue) Manila theme.