"It's not fatal, like an encounter with hyenas"
Time to peek in on America's Worst Mother™ (trademark of Tbogg Murder Inc.) and her four cubs, Lynx, Stoat, Vole, and Machiste.
As you will note from the NRO graphic above, this week Meghan seems to look a lot like Didi Pickles from "Rugrats" -- and she's very pregnant. And daughter Stoat seems to look a lot like Chuckie. I'd say that Meghan modeled her family on a TV cartoon program, except that we know that Meghan doesn't believe in exposing her kids' precious minds to popular culture. So, it all must be an officially-licensed coincidence.
Anyway, TBOGG, as usual, has done a great job of explaining today's story, "Adventures in Darwinism" (his explication is titled "There will be no biffing about while the wildebeest slumber by the waterhole"). Like he says, this week "Meghan admits that her children (Malificent, Anorexia, Cleon, and Episiotomy Ed) are feral due to the fact that she really is America's Worst Mother™." And then he gives Meghan (and everyone else) a few tips on how to avoid having children who act (and smell) like wild animals.
Yes, Meghan's point this week really is that her kids are featured regularly on "The Discovery Channel" (in fact, last week the channel did a whole week called "Sharks Vs. Gurdonettes").
And because the kiddies are so wild (what with the parent attacking, milk spilling, and door unlocking), it was essential that Meghan and the husband get away from the brood to celebrate Meghan's birthday and enjoy a little of that other stuff animals do. In fact, the children are so ferocious that Meghan and t.h. had to take an airplane across "hundreds of miles of open ocean" before they felt safe.
(You might recall that Meghan told the kids that the reason they were spending spring break at the dentist's office when all their friends were going to Aspen or Arctic Circle was because travel is expensive, dangerous, and tedious. However, that only seems to refer to travel with children. Travel to escape the children is sheer heaven, and cheap at any price.)
Anyway, Meghan admits that the time away at the no-kids-allowed tropical paradise dulled her and t.h's reflexes, and so when they returned home, the children were quickly able to bring them down, slash their throats with those sharp, little teeth, and feast mightily on their carcasses. So, this week's story has a happy ending.
Except it doesn't end there, because Meghan needs to rag on Granny some more.
You remember Granny: Meghan's mother who graciously volunteered to stay with the kids while Meghan and t.h. basked by "turquoise lagoons" and had the sex. You know, Granny, the dopey liberal who destroyed what would have been the greatest advance in the history of science the world had ever known by watering Lynx's beans. Well, anyway, apparently she fed the kids while Meghan was gone, thus ruining Meghan's science project. Lynx (whose Stockholm syndrome didn't abate while her parents were away), snitches on Granny immediately.
There is a bit of yelling to indicate, yes, they did, at which point Molly pulls me down and whispers mutinously, "Granny runs the household rather differently than you do."
Um, yeah. She'd kinda have to, because, when it comes to immortals and World's Worst Mothers, There Can Be Only One.
Later that night, this spectacular and selfless relative, who herself raised one child, and who, like most grandparents, is eager to impart helpful child-rearing "suggestions," makes a remarkable statement.
"Now," she says, after four days with four children, "I understand."
Yes, Granny, who only raised one child (she knew when to cut her losses) now bows down to Meghan's superiority. Not only is Meghan the better thinker (being a tough-minded conservative instead of a mushy liberal), she's also by far the better mother. She apologizes to Meghan for ever having suggested a tubal ligation.
Now a poll: Which line to you think Granny really said to Meghan later than night?
(a) "Now, I understand."
(b) "Now I understand why your liberal detractors call you America's Worst Mother."
(c) "I read last week's Fever Swamp column. I hope you will understand why I'm cutting you out of my will ."
(d) Other.
2:09:54 AM 
|
|
