Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Likability = A President You Can Get Drunk With   So, what did you do over the Memorial Day long weekend?  Me, I had a backyard barbecue with George Bush and John Kerry.  You know, to see who is more of a real guy.    It turns out that George was slightly more fun.  Kerry was kind of aloof and stiff, and we we ran out of things to talk about.  Our conversation went like this: Kerry: Why look who's here, it's ... good ol'........ you! Me: Hi, Senator Kerry Kerry: Hey there Ms. ... uh ... Brown Shoes! How bout that ... local sports team, eh?   Well, that could have been my conversation with Montgomery Burns, but the one with Kerry was in that vein.    But Bush was a ball of energy, wearing a frilly apron, bossing everybody, around and insisting on grilling the hamburgers himself.  He dumped the whole bottle of lighter fluid on the charcoal briquettes, which sent flames shooting onto my neighbor's roof --  it was pretty entertaining.  However, he misdialed 911, and never would admit his mistake when we asked him why the fire department hadn't arrived yet, and my neighbors lost their house and all their possessions.  That part wasn't as much fun. Oh, and because Bush had insisted we used "faith-based meat inspectors" instead of the regular FDA ones, a couple of people may get Mad Cow Disease sometime down the road.  And he forced everybody to eat big plates of ribs, and a pregnant guest ended up barfing all over the baked beans, and he blamed it on the freedom-hating green salad.  We kinda wondered how regular-guy that was. But all and all, Bush is his natural milieu at barbecues.  We think he would make a great Kingston Briquette Ambassador -- he could go to country fairs and Pork Days and entertain people for the next four years.  You know, while we let a grown up be President. Oh, and I also had both Bush and Kerry run my family business, a gas station. Kerry wasn't all that good at making small talk with the customers (somebody complained about high gas prices and Kerry lectured him for ten minutes about lessening our dependence on foreign oil) and he used bad language when a guy drove off without paying.  But he was a prudent and honest manager who made a small profit while also getting all the employees insurance coverage. Bush, on the other hand, lost all the station's money and assets (including the gum ball machine out front) within a week.  However, one of his Dad's friends bailed him out, so I guess everything turned out okay. The last test was to have each of them teach my children.  Kerry taught my oldest daugher American History and French, and while he wasn't her favorite teacher (she thought  he was kind of dry), she did pass her A.P. exams.  I had Bush teach my two gradeschoolers.  After a few weeks of hearing them mangle the English language, mix up the names of countries and foreign leaders, and refuse to read any type of written material, I asked myself the question: is my children learning?  I found out at the end of the school year, when they were left behind.  But they have high regular-kid quotients, so I imagine they will grow up to be President. 6:00:17 AM     comment [] trackback []   The Survey Says: 83% of Those Who Strongly Oppose the Patriot Act are Disaffected, U.S.-Hating Terrorists   Daniel Pipes explains at FrontPage Mag that while Brandon Mayfield was technically innocent of any involvement with the Madrid bombings, the government was still right to arrest him for looking all terroristy. Mayfield’s political profile fits that of many disaffected, U.S.-hating terrorists: he strongly opposes the USA Patriot Act, inveighs against U.S. foreign policy related to Muslim countries, and is “particularly angered,” according to his brother Kent, by close U.S. relations with Israel. Mayfield speculates that the Bush administration knew in advance about 9/11 but chose to let the attacks go ahead so as to justify going to war. And on his release from custody, he compared the U.S. federal government to Nazi Germany. I'm sure Pipes has done a scientific survey of U.S. hating terrorists, and so knows exactly how they feel about a variety of subjects.  And what more proof do you need of Mayfield's guilt than the fact that after he was falsely arrested, he compared the federal government to Nazi Germany!  I think we should lock him up again, before he doesn't commit more terrorists acts! 4:31:43 AM     comment [] trackback []   Just in Time For Father's Day   Randall Terry is back with My prodigal son, the homosexual, Part 2.  And this time it's personal!  It seems that Randall is forced to exploit his gay son some more because people are getting married in Massachusetts.  And if you think this does not effect you, let me give you a dose of reality. I just returned from Boston. I was there on May 17, when the first batch of "homosexual marriage" licenses were being handed out. Many of those who got licenses in Massachusetts were from other states ... including yours. They will now return home, go to court and attempt to overturn your laws on marriage by judicial decree, just as they did in Massachusetts. In that light, I am going to unburden my heart, and hopefully help those who want to stop this heinous juggernaut. Yes, if Randall can use his family's private affairs to get an article published at WorldNetDaily about stopping same sex marriage, then his son won't have been gay for nothing. Anyway, Randall says he loves his son but can't condone his gayness, which is an addiction just like alcoholism or drug addiction.  And then he offers up my favorite stupid analogy of the week: To say homosexuals qualify for marriage because of their sexual addiction is like telling drug addicts their drug addiction qualifies them to be pharmacists. See, because marriage is a source of sex, like a pharmacy is a source of drugs, so we shouldn't enable homosexuals by giving them easy access to the substance they are addicted to.  At least, I think that's Randall's point. And then Randall explains how God said in the Declaration of Independence that He didn't approve of gay marriage, whines about how trying all this is for him (you know, because he has a gay son), then comes up with the best "slippery slope" scenario of the week. If we don't fight, where will this end? If we agree to keep God and His standards out of this discussion, what will be the final stopping point? Three men in a marriage? Or four women? Or perhaps a man, a plant, a rock, a child and a puppy? I can hear it now: "Fight Racism! Fight Homophobia! Fight Pedophile-phobia! Fight Specie-ism! Fight Mineral-ism!" It may sound crazy now, but not much crazier than homosexual marriage sounded 30 years ago.  Hey, it doesn't sound crazy at all!  I'm gonna go get a plant, a rock, a child, and a puppy, and then have me a wedding! 4:06:16 AM     comment [] trackback []

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