Carnival of the Wingnuts
An occasional feature where we provide selections from the works of some of the wackiest columnists the conservative movement has to offer. (Hey, the power went out and I lost the well-researched, serious piece I was working on regarding an eccentric, old, conservative billionaire who donates money to his pet causes, including a group set up to counter MoveOn.org, one attempting to prove that religion makes you healthier, and one dedicated to teaching character through maxims ; I'll try to redo it for tomorrow.) But for today, enjoy these tasty punits -- there are some old favorites, as well as a couple of new discoveries:
1. Courtesy of reader Brian S., allow me to present Tamara "Tammy" Hall (or, as her site calls her, "the Montana Motivator"). Let's enjoy some highlights from her recent column for the Bozeman Daily Chronicle.
Do you want strong schools? Vote Republican.
Do you want fair treatment for the disabled? Vote Republican.
Do you want health care for the poor? Vote Republican.
Do you want quality long-term care for the elderly? Vote Republican.
Government programs require funding. Republicans have a realistic vision for economic stability.
Compassionate conservatism is more than a slogan. It is the directive given by Christ throughout the New Testament. Christians are required to help those in need. Republicans prove their compassion through action. We tithe to our churches, we donate to worthy charities and we fund government programs through taxes.
Yes, Christ orders you to be a Republican. Remember His famous Sermon on Compassionate Conservatism, where he told his disciples, "Blessed are the entrepeneurs and investment bankers, for they fund schools and social programs by paying taxes on their large personal fortunes."
Meanwhile, Democrats continue their support of policies that stifle growth. . . They promise promotion of tourism, yet defend extremist environmental policies that harm tourism. They legislate against hunting, fishing, off-roading, snowmobiling and the expansion of skiing. They enthusiastically support backpacking for the athletically fit and wolf watching even though research proves a limited tourism base combined with low-paying service jobs will not equal financial security for the state.
Damn those elitist Democrats, advocating backpacking for the athletically fit, while discriminating against lazy slobs who must rely on snowmobiles to enjoy nature!
Republicans value the environment and are passionately committed to protecting the beauty of Montana. We also have faith in the resourcefulness of the Montana people. We believe a country that can land a man on the moon can utilize technology to extract natural resources in an environmentally safe manner. Democrats are committed to the elimination of all natural resource production, thereby eliminating Montana's best hope for economic security.
If you are tired of Montana being too broke to help those in need, vote Republican.
If we can put a man on the moon, we can probably make strip-mining enviromentally safe -- or at least profitable. We won't know until we try, will we? And anyway, like Jesus told the rich young man, "Yet lackest thou one thing; heavy industry. For if thou investeth in oil exploration, thou can earn big bucks, on which thou shalt pay low but fair taxes, and therefore care for the poor. For it is easier for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of heaven, than it is for a Democrat, or a camel."
2. Now let's hear from another new discovery, Terri Hillhouse, "a political activist living in the Rocky Mountain west." In her Renew America column, she recounts the lesson to be learned from the Jack Ryan scandal:
It does no good for the young politically inclined conservative to say, "What I do is my private business." It is not. Not anymore. Young Republicans have a well earned reputation for sexual peccadillos. How many of these young people are throwing away tomorrow's political career for a few hours of fun and games today?
I believe today's tally is 237.
But I agree completely with Terri (especially about the reputation of the Young Republicans), and hope that her words will cause all aspiring conservative politicians to drop out of the game now, because we all know what you did, you pervert!
3. And while we're at Renew America, let's check in with old friend Jen "Pinky" Shroder, who is getting farther from reality with every column -- we wonder if Alan Keyes will ever notice. (Well, since he's on a crusade to get America to impeach judges for "stealing your right to include God," probably not.) Anyway, here's Jen, writing once again on her favorite topic: how the public schools are stealing children away from God by teaching them about Islam as part of their social studies "World Religions" curriculum:
Saudi Arabia is blackmailing the U.S. and President Bush to accept Islam in our public schools in exchange for oil. When Bush first took office, top members of his administration quit within months to "go home to be with their families." Bush had inherited a dire choice: allow Islam as Muslims present it into public schools or be completely cut off from oil and face a full-blown GLOBAL jihad.
So, THAT'S why Karen Hughes left the White House: because Saudi Arabia was forcing Bush to indocrinate children into accepting Islam, thus causing him to start his "No Child Left Christian" program. Now it all makes sense!
The United States has a knife to its throat and Bush knows it. So he stepped up to the microphone and began to talk of a peaceful Islam, most likely choking on the words, praying and banking on the fortitude of Americans to remain strong in their faith and freedom. The Saudis did their part and ordered a cease to Jihad, even as Saudi textbooks teach children to revel in the torture and death of all unbelievers of Allah.
Bush gave in to their blackmail and said that Islam was peaceful, but he knew that REAL Americans like Jen would realize that he had his fingers crossed when he said it.
So as rumors run rampant that Bush is not really a Christian as he promotes Islam and deals are struck with the Saudis, guess again.
It's rumored that Bush is actually a Muslim? Wow, how did I miss that one? I guess that's what I get for not reading Drudge on a regular basis.
Bush has been working to cut our dependence on Saudi Arabia and produce domestic oil, much to the screaming and rage of "environmentalists." Do not blame President Bush as colleges such as Cuesta College, California, knowingly allow "philosophy" teachers to mandate students to read anti-Bush environmental rhetoric.
You know, before I read this column, I had never thought of blaming Bush because a professor required her students to read "anti-Bush enviromental rhetoric." But now that I consider it, I guess it really IS his fault, since they're his anti-enviromental policies.
We have sold our religious freedom for oil and creature comforts. Given the choice, I wonder how many Americans would welcome Islam, as long as our economy remained intact and our biggest concern is the latest color of our nail polish or the new $1.00 sandwich at Burger King.
They have new $1.00 sandwiches at Burger King? Cool!
As humanists and pluralists cheer and applaud the select "tolerance" of other religions, who knows, maybe they'll appreciate blue burkas and prayer carpets rather than a cross on a city seal.
Hey, if religions want to stay competitive these days, they need to give us creature comforts and $1.00 Burger King sandwiches, like Islam and the godess Pomona have done.
4. And here's FileGate culprit Manuel Miranda, now reduced to whining to GOP USA about how everybody who criticized him (Senate Sergeant-at-Arms Bill Pickle, Patrick Leahy, Dick Durbin, and especially Orrin Hatch) are big jerks, while he is a super-patriot, and much smarter than them.
The second Hatch ethic was more revealing. In Committee meetings, he restated the golden rule: we should do to others what we would want others to do to us. I knew, upon hearing this, the solipsistic quality of Hatch's thinking and just how misguided the situation was. The golden rule is indeed a great private ethic, but one that cannot guide those charged with public duty.
A story is passed down among Hatch staffers of Hatch, accompanied by an aide, discovering a certain senator in flagrant with a woman not his wife. Though we know the adulterous senator, to my knowledge we have not leaked it. That is an application, though some might think unfair to the wife, of the golden rule. That is an entirely private matter. The same cannot be with public issues presented by the Democrat memos, or any Republican memos of a similar ilk.
So, Hatch and an aide purportedly caught a senator in flagrant something or other with a woman not his wife -- and the aide told his fellow aides, who gleefully passed along the story to each new person on Hatch's staff. But nobody has ever leaked it to the press, because that wouldn't be following the golden rule -- and besides, what responsible paper would print a 10th-hand rumor?
However, Miranda was forced to leak Democratic documents to the press because those "charged with public duty" have a higher code of ethics than mere mortals, and have a more important mission: to try to make the other political party look bad, even if it requires stealing their private communications.
Ethics is worthy of debate, and so I challenge Senator Hatch to debate me publicly on this issue and prove to folks in Utah that 30 years later he has not come to abuse power, or to hide in Senate corners.
Yes, the folks in Utah have a right to know if Hatch has been hiding in Senate corners; and if he has, they also have a right to know the names of those Senators he caught in flagrant with floozies.
5. Dr. Mike Adams, College Professor, who is now also a regular columnist at FrontPage Mag, gives us his perspective on Michael Moore's controversial movie Bowling for Columbine (Mike, like Doug Giles, is just a little behind the times).
Last semester, one of my students told me that he was down on America. In fact, he said that he was ashamed to be an American. He didn’t keep me guessing as to the reason for his shame and depression. He immediately disclosed that he had seen “Bowling for Columbine,” on one of the two occasions the Women’s Center sponsored its showing last year.
It is bad enough that the Women’s Center uses its budget as an excuse to campaign against conservative public policies, even when the policies have little to do with the women’s movement. But in the case of promoting Michael Moore, it is worse because the information Moore proffers is usually irrelevant and often completely inaccurate.
[...]
So my request to the Women’s Center is also very simple. In the name of intellectual honesty (and diversity), let us critique the reasoning of gun control advocates with the same diligence that we use when critiquing those we consider to advocate extreme methods of punishment.
And let me be a Lott Moore (pun intended) specific. In the name of intellectual diversity, I am asking the Women’s Center to invite John Lott to speak at UNC-Wilmington.
Mike intended that pun??? I don't think I would admit it if I were him.
John Lott has taught at the University of Chicago and Yale University and has authored what is perhaps the best critique of gun control ever written, “More Guns, Less Crime.” Some of my colleagues disagree with his recommendations for public policy but are completely unable to specify any flaws in his research or in his logic.
Then I am seriously starting to wonder about the caliber of people who teach at UNC/Wilmington (I had thought that Mike was an anomoly, and probably hired to meet a quota, but maybe they're all as dumb as posts), because the flaws in Lott's research and logic are well known, and include coding errors, statistical juggling, fabricating research, and using an assumed online identity to defend his work. Anybody who can use a search engine can find Lotts of information about the flaws in Lott's research. I can only conclude that in the same way that Meghan Gurdon makes up stories about her kids to fill up her columns, Mike makes up stories about his colleagues. Or maybe he made up the story about being a college professor -- has anybody ever had a class from him? Is it possible that he's really a UNC security guard with delusions of academic grandeur?
6. And lastly, here's Kerry L. Marsala, with a review of Bill Clinton's book; like all good conservatives, she doesn't soil her beautiful mind by actually reading such trash, and just reviews what she thinks it's about, and what Clinton's about (SEX):
The pre-sale recordings have been proclaimed with many trumpets and hullabaloo. The far-left elitist talk shows have lined themselves up to slobber and pant over the golden boy. And the lemmings of Slick Willie's fan club, stood in long lines to perhaps purchase a first edition copy of our former President, who is known mostly for his sexual liaisons.
You can possibly buy a first edition copy of our former President? Gee, no wonder there are long lines.
Isn't this something every former president wants to be remembered for, multiple sexual encounters while married, and performing most of them while in public institutions? 'Tis, sad but true, our former president has completed his task at making America look at her own reflection, of what she is quickly becoming, the people of self gratification-just because they can. The baby boomer generation, is a generation filled with many self-serving, self-centered, gratify me now, brats. Clinton was the antithesis of this.
Kerry, honey, "antithesis" means "OPPOSITION, CONTRAST; the direct opposite." I hope this helps.
Anyway, that's our edition of Carnival of the Wingnuts for today. Please wait until the ride has come to a complete stop before exiting; a feeling of nausea is normal.
4:23:52 AM 
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