Rendering Unto Caesar
The Washington Post reports that the Bush-Cheney campaign's outreach to the religious right continues ... and asks them to get awfully near to what might be considered partisan electioneering,which could cause a church to lose its tax exempt status.
The Bush-Cheney reelection campaign has sent a detailed plan of action to religious volunteers across the country asking them to turn over church directories to the campaign, distribute issue guides in their churches and persuade their pastors to hold voter registration drives.
You know, if I belonged to a church which provided the member directory to a political campaign, I'd be really annoyed. I wonder if you can sue a church because they didn't issue a privacy statement telling you that your personal information could be passed on to a third party, for non-religious purposes, without your knowledge or consent?
But to me, the most interesting part of the article was the list of "duties" the volunteers were supposed to perform by a specific date:
By July 31, for example, volunteers are to "send your Church Directory to your State Bush-Cheney '04 Headquarters or give [it] to a BC04 Field Rep" and "Talk to your Pastor about holding a Citizenship Sunday and Voter Registration Drive."
By Aug. 15, they are to "talk to your Church's seniors or 20-30 something group about Bush/Cheney '04" and "recruit 5 more people in your church to volunteer for the Bush Cheney campaign."
By Sept. 17, they are to host at least two campaign-related potluck dinners with church members, and in October they are to "finish calling all Pro-Bush members of your church," "finish distributing Voter Guides in your church" and place notices on church bulletin boards or in Sunday programs "about all Christian citizens needing to vote."
But hey, why stop there?
I (with some help from the Interfaith Calendar) have come up with a calendar to help dedicated followers of Christ (and Bush) celebrate holy days AND fulfill their duties to the Lord ... I mean, Karl Rove. It goes a little something like this:
The Bush-Cheney Calendar of Holy Day and Days of Obligation
JULY 2004
6 -- Epiphany
A commemoration of that day in 1986, when, on his 40th birthday, George W. Bush gave up alcohol. As he explained it later, Laura had given him an ultimatum: "It's me or the bottle."
Celebrate it by spending the evening in a bar or tavern and registering drunks to vote. Also, roll them for cash and donate the proceedings to the Bush Cheney campaign.
25 -- St. Ronald Reagan the Great Day
The former "St.James the Great Day" has been renamed to honor the man who miraculously parted the Iron Curtain, and, who, instead of coddling the multitude of welfare recipients by giving them loaves and fishes, taught them to fish. (Well, if he didn't exactly teach them to fish, he did teach them that there are no free lunches.)
On "St. Ronald Reagan the Great Day" we remember the martyrdom of Ronald Reagan, and reflect on how his mantle has been passed to George Bush. Celebrate by singing Reagan carols in the mall, and passing out campaign literature in the food court.
27 -- Tishah B'av
Tishah B'av, the Fast of the Ninth of Av, is a day of mourning to commemorate the many tragedies that have befallen the Jewish people.
Celebrate it by preaching a sermon on the Bush presidency.
AUGUST 2004
1 -- Lammas
Lammas is a Christian first fruits celebration observed by placing bread baked from first harvest on the altar.
Have your congregation put some "bread" (a campaign contribution of at least $20) on the altar.
6 -- Transfiguration of Our Lord
The Christian commemoration of the experience on Mt Tabor when Jesus' physical appearance became brilliant, as his connection with traditional Jewish holy figures became evident to the disciples.
On this date, celebrate "Transfiguration of Our Leader Day," a commemoration of the day in 2003 when George's appearance became brilliant, and he was transfigured into the image of a war hero by wearing a flight suit and landing on the deck of an aircraft carrier, while the Holy Ghost appeared above him in the form of a "Mission Accomplished" banner.
This is a day to spread the word -- in your churches and on talk radio programs and the Internet -- that Osama bin Laden wants John Kerry to be elected in November because he fears Bush's personal valor and courage under fire.
18 -- Familles Are Good Day
On this date in 2000, President Bush said, "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
Show your appreciation for your family by involving them in the campaign. Send your children around the neighborhood to gather signatures on a petition demanding the release of John Kerry's divorce records Visit Grandma in the nursing home and have her and her friends sign wills leaving their assets to the RNC. Make peace with that sister who slept with your husband and broke up your marriage; then, ask her to be a volunteer for the Bush-Cheney campaign.
29 -- Beheading of St. John the Baptist Day.
The Christian remembrance of the death of John, who is known for preparing the people so they would recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Preach a sermon about the beheadings of Americans by Islamists. Remind your congregation that Bush is against the decapitation of the innocent, while Kerry is for it.
SEPTEMBER 2004
4 -- Law Enforcement Appreciation Day
On this date in 1976, George W. Bush was arrested for drunken driving (his third arrest). He paid a $150 fine and had his driving privileges suspended for two years.
In honor of this event (and Dick Cheney's DWIs in 1962 and 1963), urge your congregation to donate $150 to the Bush-Cheney campaign. Also, have a "Beer for Bush" fundraiser targeting teens who can't buy beer legally, and so will be willing to pay exorbitant prices for your wares.
14 -- Holy Cross Day
A Christian Day of recognition of the Cross as a central symbol of the Christian religion.
To make the cross a powerful presence in the lives of your flock, arrange to have special showings of The Passion of the Christ at your church. Donate the proceeds to the Bush-Cheney campaign.
17 -- September Fools Day
On this date in 2002, George W. Bush said, "There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee -- that says, fool me once, shame on... shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again."
This is a day for innocent merriment and tepid Christian fun. Invite your friends and neighbors to your home to play a game of "Where are the WMDs?" -- pretend to look for them in corners, under desks, and in the fridge. While your guests are looking, ransack their purses and coat pockets, and donate what you find to the Bush-Cheney campaign.
25 -- Yom Kippur
Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement, is a time for the confession of sins of the individual and the community. It is a day of solemn fasting, culminating in forgiveness and reconciliation.
Use the occasion to remind all Jews of your acquaintance that "President Bush and the American right have been the best friends to the Jewish community in the annals of modern history" -- cite the Ben Shapiro column "It's time for American Jews to open their eyes" column as proof of your claim. Demand that they interrupt their solemn fasting and atoning to volunteer for the Bush-Cheney campaign.
OCTOBER 2004
15 -- Ramadan begins
Ramadan is the ninth month of the Islamic lunar calendar. During this month, Muslims observe a complete fast from dawn to sunset. The fast of Ramadan encourages self-restraint, God-consciousness, compassion and collective worship
Put up flyers on your church bulletin board quoting Ann Coulter's famous advice on how to deal with Islamic countries; remind people how George Bush has opened the doord to missionary work in Iraq by invading the country. Ask them to imagine how much more of God's work he can do if he's in office for four more years, and is able to invade more Islamic countries.
28 -- Milvian Bridge Day
This is a Christian day of solemn reflection on the relationship of the spiritual community and the powers of civil government. On Oct 28, 312, Emperor Constantine prevailed in a battle and proceeded to make Christianity the legal religion of the Roman Empire.
To celebrate, do one or more of the following:
-
Preach a sermon about how John Kerry wants secularism to be our nation's official religion, while George Bush is like good Emperor Constantine.
-
Erect a Ten Commandments monument in a public building and refuse to remove it; use your trial to publicize Bush's efforts to give tax payer money to faith-based groups.
-
Tell the children in your Sunday School class that if John Kerry is elected President, he will feed Christians to lions. Have them share this message with their parents.
31 -- Reformation Day
A Protestant Christian anniversary of their tradition and its emphasis on the Bible and religious freedom. On October 31, 1517, Martin Luther posted a belief statement on Wittenberg Church door.
A day on which to pass out campaign literature to trick-or-treaters.
Also, a day to hold a Christian party as an alternative to the pagan celebrations your satanist neighbors might be indulging in. Invite your guests to dress up like famous Protestants from history and nail things to the door. As a fun party game, have everyone tell scary stories about how John Kerry will suffer the torments of the damned because he was denied communion for the sin of murdering babies.
NOVEMBER
2 -- Saint George Day
A Christian remembrance of a person who, in the 4th century, was a martyr and became an ideal of martial valor and selflessness.
Saint George Day is a day on which all Christians must vote for George Bush, or burn in hell. God said so.
Anyway, that's my attempt to help the campaign use the churches more effectively, while also aiding evangelicals in swing states to find spiritual enlightment through service to their fellow man. I hope it catches on.
5:57:41 AM 
|
