Sunday, July 11, 2004

Using Forwarded Emails for Good and Not for Evil   Our friend David E. emailed this to me.  It was forwarded to him by his mother.  David says, "In 8 years, my mother's never forwarded anything of value, but finally, one came in that's kinda funny..."  I thought it was funny too. It's possible you've already seen it (maybe David's mother forwarded it to you too), but if just one of you is amused by it, then all my hard work of cutting and pasting will have been worthwhile. REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE CONVENTION SCHEDULE New York, NY 6:00 PM Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell 6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance 6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment) 6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing 6:46 PM Seminar #1: "Getting Your Kid a Military Deferment" 7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong 7:35 PM Freedom Fries served 7:40 PM EPA Address #1: "Mercury: It's What's for Dinner" 8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next 8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh 8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: "The Homos Are After Your Children" 8:30 PM Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only) 8:50 PM Seminar #2: " Corporations: The Government of the Future" 9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man" 9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong 9:10 PM EPA Address #2: "Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires" 9:30 PM Break for secret meetings 10:00 PM Second Prayer led by Cal Thomas 10:15 PM Karl Rove Lecture: "Doublespeak Made Simple" 10:30 PM Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: "How to Squint and Talk Macho Even when You Feel Squishy Inside" 10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare 10:40 PM John Ashcroft Demonstration: "New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt" 10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of black Republicans 10:46 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong 10:50 PM Seminar #3: "Education:  A Drain on Our Nation's Economy" 11:10 PM Hillary Clinton Pinata 11:20 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: "Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult" 11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again 11:35 PM Blame Clinton 11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies 11:50 PM Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself 12:00 PM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord 5:36:34 AM     comment [] trackback []   You'll Believe a Minivan can Fly!   Well, apparently John Rule is late with his "Hal Lindsey Oracle Cartoon" for today, so we've found an interesting one from a couple of week's ago for your experiment.  (Once again we must credit Pete from The Dark Window for the idea -- except that he's apparently prayed his way to riches and is off in Cannes for the weekend, so we could probably claim all rights to his idea under the principle of constructive abandonment, or eminent domain, or something like that). But first, let us thank Preznit Giv Me Turkee for dealing with yesterday's FC strip on a day when reading through Bush's speeches left us unable to deal with another cartoon view of life.  (To read the analysis, see the last comment on the entry for Friday's FC cartoon.) Okay, now on to the dimension not just of sight and sound, but of lack of mind.  A place of substance and shadow, where religions and politics mix.  Look at the signpost up ahead, it's Hal Lindsey's Oracle Cartoons! The cartoon I've chosen to dissect today is called Scary Kerry.  Cartoon: A guy in a white top hat (possibly the Mat Hatter) is driving a Barbie-sized blue convertible with a license plate which reads "USA." (Apparently after he bought the car from Barbie, he failed to get new plates.)  To his right is Bob Barker, who is wearing a "Kerry '04" button.  Bob has blocked off the road with orange construction cones, a barricade, and a sign with an arrow which points traffic to the "LEFT."  He is waving frantically with his right hand, and using his right to point at a red minivan -- presumably, saying, "Hey, dude, look at the doofus in the minivan who just drove over the cliff!"  But this isn't just any minivan: somebody has written "Christian Values" on its back window with white shoe polish.  Damn those Christian teen gangs, defacing the property of others in order to mark their territory.  Oh, and the van is flying -- you can see its tire marks in the sky. Analysis: The cartoon takes place in the Loony Tunes universe, where the first law of physics is that if you drive or walk off of a cliff, you won't fall until you notice that nothing is holding you up.  Pretty soon now the driver of Christian Values is going to notice that he's not no longer on solid ground, and he'll plummet to his death. That is, if there is a driver.  I can't see anybody inside the vehicle, so maybe it's one of those magic flying cars, like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.  It would sure be a cruel joke on the Mad Hatter if he followed Chitty Chitty Christian Values over the edge of the precipice, not realizing that Barbie Cars aren't magic. But why did Bob Barker barricade the road?  As we can deduce from his hyper-kinetic left arm, he is suffering from a thyroid problem which has made him irritable and short-tempered (which often happens in cases of an overactive thyroid), and he is mad about all the traffic going past his mountainside mansion.  However, apparently Bob considers John Kerry to be a responsible pet owner who spays and neuters his dogs appropriately, so Bob is supporting Kerry this year. Prediction: The can of black paint under the barricade indicates that Kerry will get 95% of the black vote in the upcoming election. Also, John Rule is warning us that just because Christian Values jumps off a cliff, that's no reason for American to follow. 5:02:04 AM     comment [] trackback []   Clashing and Pointing   It's Sunday, and time for some Doug Giles, you sinners.  Our sermon for today is called Not Living in Terror in the Face of Terrorism:  It’s approaching three years since 19 Arab Muslim hijackers took box cutters  ... Sorry, Doug. we're going to have to stop you right there, because if you haven't read a newspaper in nearly three years and so don't know that the box cutter myth has been discredited, you forfeit the right to tell us how to live in the face of anything.  But since the new Hal Lindsey cartoon isn't up yet and we don't feel like finding another spiritual message for you, we'll go ahead and deal with Doug's main points.  On September 11, 2001, the world changed … forever.     ...As patriotic Americans, our response should be threefold.   1.  Take up Xtreme sports and watch Michael Jordan play basketball. 2. Be suspicious "of all 18-40 year old Middle Eastern males who live in the U.S."  "Report anything that remotely smells bogus."    3.  Live in dread: "Namely, the dread of the loss of our freedoms, the dread of  loss of truth and the dread of our nation’s loss of God."  So, be very afraid of the Patriot Act, faith-based science, and the Republicans usurpation of God. My ClashPoint is this, terrorists: You want fear?  Okay.  You’ve got it.  We’ll fear, but we will fear what we want to fear and not what you tell us to fear. It's my life and I'll fear what I want! We will not live in dread of terrorists, but of things that are holy, just and good … and that we dare not lose.  We will be on the look out and we’ll wail like a stuck hog when we see something awry.  That's all that Tom Ridge asks: that you wail like a stuck hog any time you smell anything remotely bogus. And terrorists, you can bet your last camel that we will let this new fear serve the purpose of ridding our nation and other freedom-loving nations — yes, the entire planet — from fearing you! See, because all terrorists ride camels, it's an easy way to recognize them.  So, if you do happen to see a camel -- at the zoo perhaps -- be sure to call your local FBI office and wail like a stuck hog.   Well, that didn't take long, did it?  So, it looks like there's time to alert you to a threat even more serious than that of camels: Satan's Precious Moments Figurines! Here are some of Doug's writings on these big-eyed, no-nosed porcelain enemies of all that is good and holy: Enough with the Precious Moments prints and figurines -- okay?  How about decking out the sanctuary with serious transcendent art work that stops us in our tracks, rather than ubiquitous prints of fat baby angels who look like they’ve got a good buzz going from too much Mountain Dew and children’s aspirin? Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Precious Moments Figurine Collector, the Bible is filled with maledictions prayed by saints and speedily answered by God against violently impenitent enemies of liberty and righteousness. If the western Church, in particularly in America, is serious about rectifying our ecclesiastical and societal ills and move from the sidelines of life where we have been shoved because of our overt feminization then we must stop driving men off with our Precious Moments Assemblies. Hey, Precious Moments Christian… The Psalms slam the decisively wicked. I’ve got to confess right off the bat that when talking about China and Christ’s work within China, I’m more out of it than Glenn Campbell was during his mug shot in Phoenix last month.  The only Christian-related things I’m familiar with that are from the Orient are the Precious Moments figurines we used for clay pigeons the other day out in the everglades. So, be on the lookout for these too, too preciously adorable knickknacks.  They are thought to be armed (unless you pull on their little arms and snap them right off) and cute as a bug in a rug.  If you see "A Grandma's Love is One Size Fits All," "Happy Birthday to Our Love," "A Tub Full of Love," or any other of these accursed images from hell, squeal like a pig your local ClashPoint authorities. 4:02:55 AM     comment [] trackback []

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