Friday, August 27, 2004

Swiss Family Circus Robinson   Today's Cartoon  (See it here): Mommy has used the V-chip to block cartoons, children's programming, old sit-coms, the Nature Chanel, the Ambush Home Makeover From Hell Chanel, or anything that might be considered entertaining.  And the kids are grounded, and aren't allowed to color, read, or play.  So, Jeffy, Dolly, and Billy are watching the Olympic archery match.  Billy says, "I bet the Swiss won some archery medals when William Tell was alive." Analysis: Bob, the guy who's preparing to shoot, has a paper target taped on his back!  What pranksters those Olympic archery contestants are!  But sadly, the archery event will end in horror when one of the disgraced gymnastics judges brains Bob with a shot putt. But the real meaning of the cartoon has to do with this: In another flap over TV spots, the Bush campaign declined Olympics officials' call for an end to an Olympics-related ad now being run by Bush. Gerhard Heiberg of Norway, an official of the International Olympic Committee, said the IOC owns the Olympic name and had not granted permission for its use in the Bush ad. The ad shows a swimmer and the flags of Afghanistan and Iraq while an announcer says, "In 1972, there were 40 democracies in the world. Today, 120. Freedom is spreading through the world like a sunrise. And this Olympics there will be two more free nations. And two fewer terrorist regimes."    Bush campaign spokesman Scott Stanzel said the campaign "is on firm legal ground to mention the Olympics to make a factual point in a political advertisement." A federal law gives the U.S. Olympic Committee full control over use of the word "Olympics" and related terms and symbols in the United States. The measure bars the organization from political activity.  So, Billy (Dubya), Dolly (Karen Hughes) and Jeffy (Karl Rove) have just been watching the new campaign spot.  They gloated about how they're above the law, and indicate that the Germans (or whatever) who are complaining about the campaign's unauthorized use of the Olympic name can just go to hell, because who the hell do they think they are, murmuring against God's annointed!  Then Billy, whose attention has been captured by the archery event, remarks that if William Tell were still around, the high-and-mighty Swiss wouldn't be so damned neutral,  Yeah, they could joini the Coalition of the Willing, help invade Iran, and win some REAL medals.  But that reminds Billy of John Kerry's medals, which makes him feel inadequate and unmanly -- until he remembers that he heard on TV that nobody in the Navy liked Kerry when he was in Vietnam, and he wasn't even wounded anyway.  So, Billy gives himself a medal for clearing brush, and is restored to good humor for the rest of the afternoon. Prediction: From that same news story: In Minnesota on Thursday, Kerry challenged the president to participate in weekly debates. Bush spokesman Steve Schmidt seemed uninterested in the idea, saying "There will be time for debates after the convention, and during the next few weeks John Kerry should take the time to finish the debates with himself." So, Keane is predicting that during the first scheduled debate in late September, a mysterious archer will fire an arrow at an apple on some kid's head.  Tom Ridge will raise the threat level to Tangelo, and the rest of the debates will be canceled due to terrorism concerns.   But I'm sure this cartoon, like the entrails of an animal sacrifice or the tea leaves in the bottom of your cup, has many bits o' wisdom for those who know how to look.  What do YOU see in it? 6:09:36 AM     comment [] trackback []   Friday Hamster Blogging   This is my hamster, Hamster.  He popped the lid on hamster ball this evening, and was almost eaten by Jet Jaguar before I could get to him.  So, I thought I'd post his photo so you can see how cute he is, in case he's not around next week.  Oh, and Jet has gained at least a pound (he was skin and bones when I got him), and is really cute now too.  But he's teething, so watch out for him! 5:03:15 AM     comment [] trackback []   When Movies Are Based On Best-Selling Novels Written by Wingnuts   In honor of Jack Engelhard (who wrote that piece from yesterday's Carnival that featured Chris Matthews stabbing Michelle Malkin with his tongue while she was taking a shower), Scott C. suggested that we rerun the Subliminal Cinema summary of Fatal Attraction, the movie based on Jack's novel.  (FYI: we hear that a movie is going to be based on Scott's comment fusing Those Who Trespass with Jack's version of Michelle's "Hardball" segment.  Demi Moore will be playing Michelle, Robert Redford will star as Jack, and Bill O'Reilly will be playing Chris "Norman Bates" Matthews  The working title of the flick is Those Darn Psychos!)  Anyway, here's our take on Indecent Proposal: INDECENT PROPOSAL (1993) Directed by Adrian Lyne Written by Amy Holden Jones; based on the novel by Jack Engelhard He pimped his wife to a millionaire. She told her husband the sex was pretty darned good. Can this marriage be saved? We meet husband Woody Harrelson at the pier, where he is gazing at the water and thinking moody, over-dubbed thoughts about his lost love, Demi Moore. Demi, who is riding a bus in her prom gown, intones, "If you ever want something badly, let it go. If it comes back to you, then it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never yours to begin with." So, we know we are in for a deeply philosophical movie about the nature of love, loss, and Hallmark Cards. We then flashback to Woody and Demi’s life together. She was a realtor. He was an architect. After Woody came up with the unified field theory of architecture, he began building his Santa Monica Dream House (not to be confused with Barbie’s Malibu Beach Dream House, since Barbie’s had a better designer and higher quality materials). But then the recession hit, the couple got a month behind on the mortgage payments, and they stood to lose everything. (Don’t you hate it when bad things happen to vapid people?) Woody and Demi thought about getting jobs in an effort to dig themselves out, but then decided the more sensible course would be to borrow money and head for Vegas. Because when you’re attractive and in love, the laws of probability are suspended in your favor Once they’re installed in a high-class casino, Woody heads for the gambling tables. Demi does her part by sneaking into a boutique and stealing their chocolates. This impresses billionaire Robert Redford, who offers to buy her the tarty Cher gown she was mooning over. She indignantly retorts, "The dress is for sale. I’m not!" Attention everybody: incoming plot point! Alas, while Demi was setting up the movie’s premise, Woody lost all their money. The couple’s expressive faces indicate that they are sad. Robert notes their distress and offers Woody a million dollars for a night with his wife. Apparently, Vegas is experiencing a big hooker shortage, and so it’s a sellers’ market. At first Woody and Demi are outraged—what kind of a girl does Robert think Demi is! But after talking it over, the couple decides to accept Robert’s offer: because they could really use the money, and because Demi actually is kind of slutty. The deed done and the couple one million dollars richer, they drive back to L.A. to redeem the Dream House. But then the bottom falls out of their world! It turns out that on the very day they were Vegas, earning money through gambling and prostitution, the bank foreclosed and somebody else bought their property! What kind of God would allow something like this to happen? And even more tragically tragic for the couple, their relationship starts to deteriorate. Woody becomes jealous and suspicious, and finally demands to know, once and for all, if Robert was good in bed. Demi admits that he was, but avers that she did it all--the moaning, the screaming, the multiple orgasms--for Woody. Woody visibly experiences some sort of emotion, and runs away from home. Demi weeps, because men are just so unappreciative, and because an off-camera stagehand is helpfully waving ammonia crystals under her nose. However, Demi isn’t alone for long, for it seems that Robert’s dream woman is a demure, old-fashioned girl who will sell herself for large sums of money. So, he begins courting Demi. He is boyishly charming. She is cold and hostile. It’s perfect! She finally agrees to a relationship, apparently giving him the Frequent Buyers’ sex rate. Things don’t go as well for Woody. He and the dog live in a tool shed that Woody has plastered, in true psychopathic stalker fashion, with photos of Demi. Eventually he gets a job teaching bitter architecture, and imparts bits o’ wisdom such as, "Even a common brick wants to be something better than it is." The students are spellbound by these insights into the secret life of bricks, but Demi still wants a divorce. She informs him that he can keep the million dollars as a lovely parting gift. Robert takes Demi to a zoo benefit where the crowd is wowed by a feckless stranger who bids $1,000,000 to sponsor a hippo. Yes, that idiot is Woody, who threw away the million just to impress Demi with how rock stupid he really is. They look at each other longingly, then Woody signs the divorce papers and walks away, probably to spend his million-dollar night with the hippo. On the ride home, Robert tells Demi that she was the best of the "Million Dollar Club." It seems that he has done this kind of thing a couple dozen times before. This announcement causes Demi to jump out of the car and into a bus that happens along. We comprehend that Robert mentioned the Club in order to end the affair, because "She never would have looked at me like she looked at Woody." We’re impressed by his generosity of spirit, letting her go back to the man she loves. But we’re more impressed by the fact that Robert has spent 24 million dollars on sex! Jeez, this guy really needs to comparison shop! The bus Demi boarded just happens to be going to the pier where the movie started; Woody is there being gloomy. Maybe being attractive and in love is enough to cause the universe to suspend the laws of probability! Anyway, she confides that she still loves him, and always will. He loves her too. Tremulous smiles. Fade out. The end. ********** So, what did this movie teach us about making marriage work? First, that open, consistent communication is of vital importance. The flame of marriage begins to flicker when not fed with the fuel of conversation, and then the wieners of romance can no longer be roasted at love’s fire pit, if you know what we mean. So, let your partner know that he or she is appreciated and loved. Hop on a bus in your prom dress and tell your mate that you still love him or her. Discuss your work with her—let her know what the bricks told you today about their hopes and fears. And if sex with another man was really good, let your husband know just how good, with helpful details like a comparison of penis sizes. Secondly, we learned that working as a team makes a marriage strong. For example, if you lose all your money (through no fault of your own except stupidity), find a project you can do together to recoup your fortunes. If you decide to emulate our movie role models and work as a joint pimp/ho team, incorporate togetherness in all aspects of the operation. Let her help you shop for your full-length fur coat, gold chains, and foppish headgear. Have him help you pick your street name, even if he does vote for something classless like "Peaches LaTarte" or "Christina Aguillara." And if you don’t feel qualified for work in today’s modern prostitution and gambling industry, try drug trafficking, extortion, or contract killing. Remember, experts say that couples who slay together, stay together. And lastly, we saw how even a couple who truly love each other can drift apart. Perhaps she is too busy to hang out with him, due her demanding career as a courtesan; and he just isn’t around much because he’s living in a tool shed with the dog. To combat this emotional estrangement, look for little ways to put the romance back in your relationship. Perhaps you could try something new and adventuresome, like quitting your 9-to-5 jobs and developing a trapeze act for Barnum & Bailey—and then you could let her go from the high wire, to see if she is yours forever. 4:51:54 AM     comment [] trackback []   This Be Teue   David E.'s mother, who last sent us (via David) the Republican Convention Itinerary, is back in action.  Last time we commended her for using forwarded email for good.  However, this time, alas, the forwarded product is evil.  Here are the highlights: Sent: Monday, August 23, 2004 2:47 PM Subject: This be teue Illegal Immigrants Poem                                                  I cross ocean,  poor and broke,  Take bus,  see employment folk.                                                    Nice man treat me good in there, Say I need to see welfare. ...Welfare checks, they make you wealthy, Medicaid it keep you healthy! By and by, I got plenty money, Thanks to you, American dummy. Write to friends in motherland, Tell them 'come fast as you can.' They come in turbans and Ford trucks, I buy big house with welfare bucks ...Finally, white guy moves away, Now I buy his house, and then I say, "Find more aliens for house to rent." And in the yard I put a tent. Send for family they just trash, But they, too, draw the welfare cash! ...We have hobby it's called breeding, Welfare pay for baby feeding. American crazy! He pay all year, To keep welfare running here. We think America darn good place! Too darn good for the white man race. If they no like us, they can scram, Got lots of room in Pakistan. SEND THIS TO EVERY AMERICAN TAXPAYER YOU KNOW Because I thought this was such a charming poem, I did some research.  From this British site, I learned something about its history. POETIC INJUSTICE: ILLEGAL or the IMMIGRANT'S ODE "Illegal" of "Immigrant's Ode" is, on the face of it, a nasty racist poem which has been in circulation for at least a decade. The first version I saw was Xerox-lore i.e. photocopied and passed on. I can't recall the date, but it was many years ago and targeted Asian immigrants entering Britain. The 1980s were full of anti-Asian "jokes" and Xerox-lore such as this spread quickly. In the 1980s I worked in an Estate Agent's office (in "real estate" in American parlance) and worked with some extreme xenophobes who collected and circulated such items; this was possibly when I first saw the "Immigrant's Ode". According to older friends, its pedigree history goes back even further, with a version aimed at West Indian immigrants into Britain and possibly sung to the "Banana Boat Song". The most common version on the Internet these days, seems to be this American version dated 1993. This is probably because the USA dominates the Internet and because the poem landed some politician in a lot of trouble when he circulated it as a "joke". It was reproduced in part or in full in a number of reports. The target in this case was Mexico, reflecting the problem of illegal immigrants crossing the border in the USA. The verse is written in a stereotyped pidgin English style.    According to some American friends, it is far from accurate since America lacks a welfare state akin to that in Britain. [...] More recently a version has cropped up in the USA referring to Pakistan, and the same version also appears with Australia and Canada being the country receiving the immigrants. So, the poem started in Britain, and was aimed at West Indians, and then Asians, who supposedly got rich on the state dole.  When it came to America, it was about Mexican illegal aliens. (A version which was printed in the Danville, CA Valley Citizen in 2002, resulting in numerous complaints, includes lines like: "Everything is mucho good, And soon we own the neighborhood," and "If they no like us, they can go, Got lots of room in Mexico!")  And now that we're at war with terra, the illegal aliens are from Pakistan.  It's interesting to see the shifting sands of bigotry in action. But the question on our mind is: what politican was dumb enough to circulate it?  One answer is a guy (formerly) employed by the campaign of Colorado governor Bill Owens.  Here's part of the NewsMax story on the case: Wednesday, Oct. 9, 2002 -- Offend Illegal Aliens and Lose Your Job The treasurer for Colorado Gov. Bill Owens' re-election campaign has resigned after forwarding an e-mail about lawbreaking illegal aliens exploiting America. Bob Adams said he quit his voluntary post rather than let Democrats expoit the issue, Denver newspapers reported today. [...]  Adams, however, thinks people are "hypersensitive." "Maybe it was a little insensitive, but, my goodness, I've had worse jokes sent to me by my Hispanic friends," said Adams, who is black.   Arniter Jamison, a friend of Adams' who received the e-mail, said she found it humorous and couldn't believe it was causing a stir. "People are so sick. You can't have a joke about anything anymore," she told the Post  Another such moronic politician is W.R. Bud" Harper from Arkansas.  Here are portions from a different Newsmax report: Arkansas Official Ousted Over 'Illegal Poem' W.R. "Bud" Harper, Arkansas' top emergency official, resigned under fire today after pressure groups and politicians condemned him for forwarding to his 66 employees "Illegal Poem," which has been all the rage on the Internet. "The forwarded e-mail was neither humorous nor acceptable," huffed GOP Gov. Mike Huckabee. [Harper huffed] "Whoever got concerned about this really had to reach to find something. I am very sensitive to people and I care about people. There was no intention ... to create any hard feelings." And then there was the webmaster for a Wisconsin GOP website: A racist, anti-immigrant poem that led to the resignation of a top state official in Arkansas surfaced recently on the official Web site of the Republican Party of Winnebago County. [...] [County party Chairwoman Michelle Litgens] said the Web site's content was determined by a volunteer administrator, Troy Schulz of Neenah. After reading the poem, Schulz wrote, "I can somewhat understand how certain parties could read into this and take offense at it in one way or another. However, ... whoever the original author is, they are clearly not making any sort of specific inference racially." "I feel that the author's point was most likely to make the reader aware that there are many people who do take advantage of our country's welfare systems in an unfair way. Unfortunately, a great many of those people come here illegally from other countries. This isn't a racial jab. It's a fact."  So, how did the poem get from England to America? There's an interesting claim at the message board at the Stormfront White Nationalist Community (where white supremicists can get together to chat about racial purity and such), from a poster who calls himself "FreeMyPeople": I originally edited that from a British version and sent it through cyberspace. I feel somewhat famous now, its everywhere. hehe  I wonder if those forwarding the emailed poem know that the "chain" was allegedly started by a white supremicist.  (Who, interestingly enough, is supporting Constitutional candidate Michael Peroutka, the guy also endorsed by the League of the South.) I also wonder if Southern CA talk radio host/genius Anthony Rather, who has the poem posted at his website, knows of its origins.  But of course Anthony's version has "white race" changed to "American race," to make it non-offensive. I thought about asking Anthony's sponsors what they thought of it -- until I saw that one of them was the John Birch Society.  But still, let's learn more about Anthony from his bio : Anthony Rather has built several successful multi-million dollar businesses. One, started out of his living room, was a mail order company with first year revenues of over $15,000,000. The company processed several million pieces of mail per month and operated at the very forefront of technological capability. Wow, cutting-edge junk mail techonology! Raised in Europe, Anthony speaks four languages. He is an instructor at business forums and also an author with sales of his first book reaching over 200,000 copies. He has been accepted for membership at both Mensa and Intertel (top 2% and top 1% I.Q. respectively), and his achievements have earned him numerous awards, including honorary citizenship in 16 cities across the US.  Presumably not to include Pakistan or Mexico.  Oh, and since Anthony belongs to Mensa AND Intertel, I guess this means he's got Vox Day beat. Anthony Rather is a constitutional conservative [like Vox] with firm convictions based on an objective view of reality [Vox's are more based on the Bible, football, and sci-fi novels, but still, the similiarities are astounding]. These convictions he brings to his radio show "The Anthony Rather Show." His thousands of loyal listeners appreciate his insightful commentary and his focus on what works in the real world versus irrational wishful thinking. Whether you agree or disagree with his opinions, you will nonetheless walk away entertained and informed.  Informed?  Oh, I doubt that.  But anyway, see what we've learned from a forwarded email?  Now, the next time you think of passing something like this along, you are required to do this kind of research first -- to cut down on the stupidity.  Sorry, David's Mom, but that's the law. 2:38:07 AM     comment [] trackback []

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