Monday, January 17, 2005

Now For Something You'll REALLY Like   As you know (if you have been paying any attention to my whining on the subject), I haven't been feeling too great.  (Can one contract anthrax from watching "Medical Investigation"?)  So, I was both delighted and very, very grateful when an old aquaintance from D.C. (I was a super model/astronaut/spy, and he was the brilliant investigative reporter/race car driver who tried to learn my secrets) offered to help me out in my time of need by poking some good-natured fun at a Town Hall column, so that I wouldn't have to. And here are the results.  Enjoy!  ************* Prison-Bride-of-Chucky III: The De-Sanctifying Watergate celebrity and felon-turned-frater Charles Colson (whose staff assures us that he is deeply  "involved" with his bylined TownHall columns, unlike some writers who refuse to even hold hands with their columns in public and claim to be "just good friends") knows from experience what many of us have long suspected – that convicts in prison find religion faster than rich men find shawls on a sinking luxury liner. (Thanks for that simile to the channeled muse of Doug Giles.) In this week’ column Friar Chuck laments the passing of the "Golden Age" of incarceration, when every con was guaranteed (1) a Zondervan Large-Print Study Bible to hollow-out for easy contraband storage; (2) one life-changing rooftop handball game with Karl Malden; and (3) a dramatic, slow-zoom reaction shot (with sinister music sting) as Edmund O’Brien intones offscreen, "It’s time, Rocky." Alas, Cell-Block Christianity – thanks to Christ-hating liberals – is no longer the orange-jump-suited, shackle-dance revival of Godspell it once was. Colson cites the case of a long-time Pennsylvania death row padre who was sacked by the new warden, apparently under the incoming prison administration’s "Operation Deny Salvation" policy. But that’s just the apex of the naked Anti-Christian human pyramid: In other prisons around the country, authorities restrict inmates’ access to Bibles and Bible commentaries. Inmates are forbidden to wear yarmulkes, or limited to one religious program a week, forcing them to choose between Bible study and worship services. Try telling that to anyone who’s ever been shivved in the kidney with a starched and sharpened yarmulke, still warm and shedding clumps of Magic Sizing from the prison laundry. One man’s phylactery is another man’s garrote here in the Big House, Chuckers. And, anyway, isn’t one dose of religion per week the standard course of treatment for Judeo-Christian guilt? Sadly, attempts to scour public life of anything remotely resembling religious activity are increasing—both inside and outside prison walls. When religious believers fight back against such violations of religious freedoms, we’re immediately accused of trying to impose theocracy on America. So we on the "outside" are really living in a kind of "prison," get it? And, like, the entire galaxy could just be a tiny piece of God’s fingernail! Wow. And when 99% of all FCC complaints about televised "indecency" come from the same group of quilt-making seniors who just sold their water rights to Roman Polanski in Chinatown, the whole notion of an imposed theocracy dissolves into the same sort of willy-nilly incoherence one normally associates with Ohm’s Law. Nonsense. A theocrat wants to force everyone to believe in his own god and follow that god’s rules. Christians are doing the opposite: trying to protect the right of citizens of all faiths to worship as they see fit. OK, well maybe not the rights of homo-loving Islamofascists, Ganesh-hugging Hindis or those of us who practice Crowley-style Thelemic sex-magic…but in general… Why do militant secularists attempt to snuff out religious practice, even in prisons, where it is so desperately needed? Partly, it’s a fanatical hostility toward religion. Uh, "partly"? (I thought "fanatical hostility" was pretty much the nub of it – although I can just imagine s.z. furiously tapping out "surprise, fear and ruthless efficiency" from her sick-bed keyboard.) First, we don’t enjoy religious freedom because the courts allow it. The founders secured this basic human right in the Constitution because, as the Declaration of Independence recognizes, the right to worship is given by God, not government. If I’m not mistaken, that would be "Nature’s God," Chas (or, even more obtusely, "The Creator" – a generic, non-denominational First Cause embraced by all indigenous human cultures…and "Vejur"). Now, whether that’s the "Divine Clockmaker" of the Enlightenment or the goat-legged, babe-bagging Pan of decorative Mediterranean urn-ware depends on which Founder you’re talking to – Jefferson or Franklin. Personally, any deity who signs off on my unalienable "rights" allotment is OK by me…except, of course, Cthulu. Second, religion provides demonstrable social benefits. E.g., a heart-wrenching amicus brief at your appeal, killer photo-ops in a tsunami-ravaged village and bulletproof political cover for elected recidivists and journalists-on-the-take. On this Sunday, Religious Freedom Day, get your church and your friends to join in praying that the Court will uphold this statute. The religious liberty of prisoners must be protected; nowhere do the lost need the Gospel more. Hear that, gang? I need 12 more for a coven, and at least double that if we’re going to "Raise the Cone of Power" on behalf of America’s un-godded perps. Let’s rev up the bull-roarers, light the "Hand of Glory" and praise the Holy Rolodex of "Bob" Dobbs. We gots us some redeemin’ to do! America’s founders wisely made religious freedom the first right; they knew that without it, all other rights are meaningless. Two centuries later, the prisoner sitting in his lonely cell, stripped of his Bible, his minister, and his right to worship, knows exactly what they meant. …although, on the other hand, the lonely, stripped-down prisoner at Abu Ghraib getting his leash jerked by PFC Double-Wide may find himself yet struggling with multiple meanings of the word "Deliverance." In summation, I defer to America’s best-known child philosophers: "Gee, Wally. This whole having-Chuck-Colson-fight-for-my-right-to-a-jailhouse-conversion thing is pretty creepy, huh?" "You said it, Beav. I wish he’d just yell at us and hire a decent attorney so we can blow this pop-stand and split the loot with Eddie Haskell down in Zihuatanejo."   "Spin" Boldak 5:06:37 AM     comment [] trackback []   In Other News   1.  That Colored Fella dares you to tell you why he's wrong when he claims that Howard Dean must lead the Democratic Party.  (Hey, he makes some good points, so who am I to tell him that he's wrong?) 2.  I'm Just Sayin' offers some happy, snappy, spirit-boosting shots of "America's Cheerleaders." It's thumbs up and human pyramids all around!  3.  Mark from Fried Green al-Qaedas tips us off to Bill O'Reilly's Crossword Of the Week.  Since this is Bill's crossword, most of the clues concern the media ("CBS also known as The ----- Network"), celebrity news ("Jennifer's ex-to-be"), or history lite ("Harry who gave 'm hell").  Clues not used include "Where Jews who object to being forced to celebrate Christmas should go," "The member of the Godhead who is weeping because the media is making fun of the Sole Defender of Christmas," and "Middle Eastern food sometimes used placed on a women's private parts while enjoying an erotic shower." 4.  Crooks and Liars offers a clip of our favorite wingnut mother of nine, Jennifer Giroux, talking about how The Passion of the Christ shows us the "beauty and art in violence."  Also, check out C&L's coverage of Hugh Hewitt, blogger, blogging expert, author of Blog, and the only blogger Bill O'Reilly talked to about FakeEquivilenceOfArmstrongGate. 5.   The American Street announces that voting has begin for The Perranoski Prizes.  I don't want to tell you how to vote, but I strongly suggest that you vote for Norbizness for "Best Right of Center Blog," because I think it's funny. 4:04:56 AM     comment [] trackback []   Who Said It?  (Canadian Edition)   Right off the bat, D. Sidhe got both of our previous Mystery Guests. The one who predicted a "battle of enormous proportions from sea to shining sea" if he doesn't get the Supreme Court Justices he wants was indeed James Dobson. Here's another quote from that same Focus on the Family newsletter: The enemies of morality will not stop and will not back off. The Left cannot and will not change. Right now they are working to impose "hate speech" restrictions on Americans which would make it unlawful to quote the Bible regarding homosexual acts, as has already happened in Canada and the Netherlands.   And yes, it was William Safire who told us about the "idealistic neocons" and the "plodding, pragmatic paleocons" who would inevitably "fuzz" the GOP's winning character.  (At least, the NY Times said it was Safire -- all that alliteration does remind one of Doug Giles, doesn't it?) Congrats, D. Sidhe -- you win Safire's position as NY Times columnist!  But first, you have to get Dobson raptured.   Now, on to today's Mystery Guests, all of whom are Canadian in honor of how Canada has made it illegal to quote the Bible. 1.  Europe in general and the UK in particular are in ZERO danger of succumbing to the menace of German Nazism. Meanwhile, genuine fascists dressed in keffiyehs are engaged in thuggery, subversion, assassination, and terrorism on European soil. Can't we persuade the journalists busy inveighing against poor Harry to take on that cause instead? Frankly, I personally find it much less disturbing that Harry wore a swastika to a party that his father, the future King Charles III, is reported to enjoy relaxing in Islamic bedouin robes at home.   Yeah, he really said that he thinks that it's worse to wear Arabic robes than it is to dress up like a Nazi -- and his reasoning is that England is no danger from Hitler, while some people who wear keffiyehs are terrorists.  I'm sure his next piece will be about how the 9/11 terrorists dressed like Americans, and so journalists should be picking on people who dress like Americans, and not on "poor Harry." Oh, and if you check out his linked article, you'll note that it's a 1997 piece from Daniel Pipes' "Middle East Quarterly" which claims that Charles is a little too fond of Islam, and which quotes gossip from the tabloid The Sunday Mirror about Princess Diana possibly marrying a Muslim cardiac surgeon.   However, it doesn't say one word about Charles wearing bedouin robes around the house. 2.  We were encouraged after Afghanistan to see al Qaeda as less a hierarchical structure and more of a loose franchise operation. But it seems doubtful these days it's anything at all — except perhaps a meaningless media shorthand for a network of diffused autonomous Islamist groups operating from Central America to the Balkans to Southeast Asia, not to mention gazillions of British, Canadian and European Muslims who graduated from the Afghan terror camps and either returned home to await instructions or sallied forth to join the jihad in Chechnya, Gaza and Bali, plus various disaffected individuals who just got the Islamist fever, like the July Fourth shooter at Los Angeles Airport and, indeed, the Washington sniper duo, the younger of whom liked to draw pictures of planes crashing into skyscrapers, etc. "Al Qaeda" is just "meaningless media shorthand" now?  Then why does George Bush keep telling us stuff like, "I have got a comprehensive strategy to not only chase down al-Qaeda wherever it exists — and we're making progress, three-quarters of al-Qaeda leaders have been brought to justice"? And "gazillions" of Western Muslims have graduated from Afhan terror camps and are just awaiting word to start attacking us?  Um, could I see some data to support that?  Heck, even a link to a dated, bogus article by Daniel Pipes that doesn't even address this claim would be better than nothing. And does anybody except this guy (and maybe Michelle Malkin) EVER try to lump the Washington snipers in with al Qaeda? And if we get to pick one Canadian to deport, can it be this one? 3.  People in Phuket were actually still trying to out-surf the killer wave when the Bush-haters started whining about the US President being on ‘vacation’ at his Texas ranch. The same folks who are always calling Bush a “moron” were apoplectic over the fact that he didn't use his supposed Rain Man-like gifts to predict precisely when the tidal wave was going to hit, and then make sure that he was back in DC to handle the crisis when it did. [...] Before cutting a check to a largely Muslim area that’s known as a terrorist haven, you’d think people would be in favour of vetting things out, first. The tsunami hit on December 26.  Bush made his first statement about it (from his ranch in Crawford) on December 29th.  This pundit apparently thinks that George would need to have have eerie autistic abilities in order to figure out in less than three days that a horrific natural disaster had hit a large portion of the world, and so be able to say something sympathetic and helpful to the afflicted nations.  Sure, the liberals might think that he could have seen something about it on TV, but this pundit says that Memogate has proved that we can never trust TV when it shows us footage of waves knocking down buildings, wrecked towns, and children who claim to have seen their parents swept out to sea (the little fiends could be TERRORISTS, after all). Here's another paragraph from this person: Criticisms are being leveled at Bush as a result of some appointments he has made in dealing with the disaster. Liberals are suggesting that Bush sent his brother -- Florida Governor, Jeb -- to tour the disaster zone with Secretary of State Colin Powell because Jeb is being groomed to continue the Bush dynasty. The only other people currently in the USA who are as qualified as Jeb Bush to deal with disasters of such epic proportions might be former Kerry Campaign strategist and renowned political train-wreck expert, Bob Shrum, and songstress-wannabe Ashlee Simpson (who is reportedly still in hiding after her Orange Bowl screech-fest the other day). While this sounds like Ann Coulter, it's just an incredible simulation. 3:06:20 AM     comment [] trackback []

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