Sunday, February 06, 2005

World O'Crap Book Club   Today we take a look at a couple of new books from Regnery.  Why?  So that undiscriminating millionaires will know which books to bulk buy, so as to manipulate the best sellers lists.  They can then donate these tomes to Republican orphans and take a substantial tax break. Our first book alerts us to the fact that elitists are attacking our way of life, seducing our children, and polluting our precious bodily fluids.  Sure, maybe this isn't exactly a new claim, but reinforcing cherished delusions of victimhood is what got Regnery where it is today: on Satan's payroll.  Invasion Within: Overcoming the Elitists' Attack on Moral Values and the American Way by Domenick Maglio Regnery Publishing, Inc.; Hardcover - 256 pages (January 2005) A Culture War is raging in America today. Beneath the polished exterior of America’s most cherished institutions lies a burgeoning cultural movement striving to countermand the minds of our citizens, beginning with our very youngest. Let's start by nitpicking this fine ad copy (which Domenick may have written himself).  Do you think that the writer really wanted to say that elitists are "countermanding" (meaning to "revoke" or "recall") the minds of young conservatives?  If so, don't you think that a book about mindless Young Republicans, wandering the streets in search of brains like the zombies of Night of the Living Dead, would make a livelier book than the one Domenick appears to have written? This Invasion Within has already infiltrated our schools, our media, and even our families, and threatens to bring down our society if left unchecked. So, I guess that beneath the polished exterior of your family lies a burgeoning cultural movement that is striving to countermand your kids' minds.  I bet it's your wife or husband!!! Most frightening is the Elitists who, at the helm of this invasion’s feigned enlightenment, try to bestow insidious and deeply harmful dogmas upon everyday Americans. Yes, the Elistists who bestow insidious dogmas IS the most frightening.  I call them Hillary Clinton.  They do not hesitate in knocking from their pedestals every freedom and every value for which our forefathers fought the Revolution. The freedom of not paying tax to England has been knocked from its pedestal by these jerks!  Oh, and I think I saw them smacking around the value of discriminating against homosexuals, which is what our forefathers fought and died for at Bunker HIll. The enemies are the Elitists, smug in their attitude as they mug us of our moral values, who have infiltrated our schools, churches, boardrooms, and media: I call them “Smuggers.” You know, because they're smug muggers.  Oh, and I think that people like Domenick are wanton cankers on society: I call them "wankers."  Their original strategy was formulated in the 1930s, and has since spread as they continue to poison the individual’s religious and cultural beliefs and thus dissolve the structure of the traditional family—and our nation—from within. The Culture War will not stop with the annihilation of the American Way, but will merely use our society as a foothold to obliterate Western civilization as we know it. And then the world!!! Anyway, it sounds like the Smuggers held a conference in the 1930s (probably chaired by Lenin), and it was at this meeting of the Axis of Not-Niceness that thw Smuggers formulated a scheme to destory the religious and cultural beliefs of individuals by saying bad things about John Wayne and the Inquisition.  And if they succeed in their plan to make people question the idea of American exceptionalism, then Western civilization as we know it is doomed, DOOMED! The casualties of this war—the increasing divorce rate, irresponsible parenting, out-of-control children, abortions, drug use, corruption, and a culture of lying—are apparent all around us. Celebrity Elitists ridicule our belief in God, sanctity of marriage, definition of life, the existence of evil, and the exceptionality of our culture. Damn those Celebrity Elitists, who have made us get divorces, caused our children to be bratty, forced us to take drugs and be corrupt, and then ridiculed the exceptionability of our culture! Anyway, apparently Domenick's book is our secret weapon against these Elitists -- possibly the bad writing works on them like the germs did on the Martians in War of the Worlds, causing them to shrivel up and die. In any case, I'm sure you'll be seeing a lot of Domenick on Fox News in the near future -- unless a gang of smuggers takes him out first.  You know, as part of their plot to destroy civilization as we know it.   Our second book was written by a pundit whose publicist came up with a great way to drum up interest in a book that won't come out until next year: get caught promoting administration policies for tax money! The New Racists: How Liberal Democrats Have Betrayed Minority Americans by Armstrong Williams Product Details Hardcover: 256 pages Publisher: Regnery Publishing (January 1, 2006) From the Inside Flap Who are the new racists? "The liberals who’ve cast aside the dream of racial equality and equal opportunity in favor of votes, power, fame, and money," says Armstrong Williams, conservative columnist and leader of a new generation of black voters unwilling to tow the old liberal line. Because towing liberal lines and towing impounded cars (as well as toting bales, and going one toke over the line) are some things that Armstrong (and the whole generation of black voters he leads) are unwilling to do. In this shocking new book, based on Williams’s insider access to the black establishment, he fingers the new racists to include: Julian Bond and the NAACP whose goal is to deliver the black vote to Democrats in return for big dollar contributions. The Democratic Party that takes the minority vote for granted—and counts on it being poor. The liberal media that has shamelessly used the vilest racial stereotypes to attack eminent black Americans like Clarence Thomas and Condoleezza Rice. Yes, vile racial stereotypes like "incompetent."  That's NOT a racial stereotype, you say?  Well, then why are people always saying it about Armstrong, who is also an eminent black American? The teachers’ unions who fight against school vouchers that allow poor kids to go to private schools instead of being trapped in failing public schools. This point brought to you by George Bush's Department of Education, which paid $10,000 for this chance to remind you that faith-based school vouchers are da bomb! Abortion advocates who have encouraged the killing of more blacks than the Klu Klux Klan ever did. Because allowing a black woman to make her own decision about her pregnancy is the same as stringing up a black man. Democrats in Congress such as Harry Reid who refuse to confirm conservative minority judicial candidates because it sends the wrong political message. Refusing to confirm minority judicial candidates for any reason is racism, of course.  And only Armstrong has the courage to tell you this. Williams unveils the great secret that the media’s kept too long: Blacks and other minorities support traditional values, faith-based initiatives, school vouchers, reforming affirmative action, and personal Social Security accounts—many of the same policies conservatives support. In fact, the media has kept this secret so long that not even blacks and minorities know that they are really conservatives! In the New Racists, Armstrong Williams reveals the unsavory alliance between the liberal establishment, celebrity black civil rights leaders, the media elite, and the teachers’ unions— Teachers' unions who opposed No Child Left Behind, you will recall!  (Well, if you don't recall it, then that quarter of a million in tax dollars was totally wasted.) and he shows why blacks will start abandoning the Democrats and provides Republicans a strategy to accelerate the exodus. I think Armstrong's strategy to help the Republicans get blacks to abandon the Demoncratic Party would go something like this : Step one: Pay me, Armstrong Williams, to write a book about why the Democrats are the real racists. Step two: Pay me, Armstrong Williams, to appear on Fox News and other conservatative media outlets to sell my book about why the Democrats are the real racists. Step three: Buy crates of my book, to get it on the best sellers lists so that African-Americans will hear about it and believe that the Democrats are the real racists. Step four: If you nominate more incompetent conservative minorities to important positions like Secretary of State, then the Democrats will look like racists when they oppose these nominees.  Therefore, you should nominate me, Armstrong Williams, to be Condi Rice's sham husband. Step five: Give me, Armstrong Williams, a bunch more money to continue saying that the Democrats are the real racists.  After all, the kind of credibility I have with the black community can't be bought.   Anyway, those are our WO'C Book Club Regnery selections for this month.  If you don't want to receive them, do nothing, and they won't be shipped to you and you won't be billed $27.95 each for them.  And you won't have to read them either, of course -- although this convenience will cost you $27.95 a pop. 5:46:26 PM     comment [] trackback []   Sunday Cinema   Today we conclude the Subliminal Cinema chapter that teaches you the Hollywood way to deal with teens.  But first, here's some advice for the parents of teens from Dr. James Dobson: I strongly recommend that parents of strong-willed and rebellious females, especially, quietly keep track of the particulars of their daughters’ menstrual cycles. Not only should you record when their periods begin and end each month, but also make a comment or two each day about moods. How do you quietly find out the particulars of your daughters' menstrual cycles?  Well, I guess you monitor the soiled Kotex pads left in bathroom waste basket.  Or maybe you use one of those ovulation monitors on her.  I really don't know.  But make sure you find a way to do it, because keeping track of her menstrual cycles will not only let you blame PMS for all of her sassiness and gripes about you, but it will also let you know when she's most fertile, so you can make sure she only dates appropriate boys on those days, just in case a shotgun wedding later becomes necessary.  After all, the most important part of being a parent is being intrusively involved in your child's sexuality.  At least, that appears to be the theory.  But let's consult a movie on the subject, because even the goofiest sci-fi flick must have better ideas about raising teens that Dr. Dobson does. So, on to part 3 of "Don’t Let A Good Boy Go Bad: Teen Wrangling Tips From Tinsel Town," by Scott C., noted teen expert and close personal friend of James Dobson's archenemy, SpongeBob. ******* How can we pass on the traditional verities and old fashioned values to kids raised with TV, addicted to the internet, and under constant pressure to conform by an omnipresent consumer culture? Well, as our next film shows, one option is to become a really lame super hero, and run around an insane asylum without benefit of proper foundation garments until you sprain a breast.     Disturbing Behavior (1998) Directed by David Nutter Written by Scott Rosenberg The film begins with two teens making out beside a hydroelectric plant. But even as they steam up the car windows, the boy protests that he has a big game on Friday, and "I need my fluids." The girl, who evidently hasn’t seen Dr. Strangelove, will not be denied his essence, and leans down to siphon him. On the verge of orgasm, the boy’s right eye announces a K-Mart Blue Light Special, and he celebrates by snapping her neck. Just then, Sheriff Steve Railsback arrives to chat about the big game, and to check the boy’s dipstick for proper fluid levels. But when Sheriff Steve’s deputy discovers the dead girl in the car, the Dipstick Boy grabs Steve’s gun and shoots the deputy (but he did not shoot the Sheriff). Meanwhile, on the bluff above, we see a lone hooded figure: It is one of the lesser known Teen Titans, Stoner Lad, and his faithful companion, Cannabis Canine. The young crime-fighter silently observes the murder scene as he tokes on a honkin’ spleef. The next day, pointy-cheekboned heartthrob James Marsden arrives in town with his family. James is apparently our hero, even though he’s a wuss who is tormented by nightmares about "America’s Funniest Home Videos." At the High School, James notices friction between the run-of-the-mill slackers and the elite "Blue Ribbons." The latter are a spiffy crew of cheerful, gung-ho boosters who wear cardigans and nice wool-blend slacks, and are prone to sudden fits of bloody violence—sort of like Up With People on angel dust. On the bright side, James himself acquires a posse at Lunch Period, when he is befriended by Stoner Lad and his sidekick, Albino Boy, and inducted into the Teen Titans. Later, at home, James’ little sister and a classmate are practicing for a spelling bee. But her friend’s inability to sound out the word "phlegm" blows the lid off the family’s dirty little secret–James has a dead brother! And because of it, their father can no longer trust James enough to pass him the mashed potatoes. The next day, James is called to the office to meet Dr. Bruce Greenwood, who will be our Mad Scientist today. Dr. Greenwood points out the restrooms fore and aft, and reminds James that in the event of a sudden loss of plot coherence, his ego will double as a flotation device. Dr. Bruce runs the Blue Ribbon program, and is brilliant, but unhinged, driven mad by his inability to grow a convincing mustache. After school, James meets Katie Holmes, whose pale skin and black-ringed eyes are supposed to make her look Goth, but instead suggests Marilyn Manson in The Tammy Faye Bakker Story. Stoner Lad takes James to the basement for a smoke, where they meet janitor William Sanderson, who has convinced himself that he’s not in a crappy teen horror movie, but in the comparatively dignified position of playing the "Rat Catcher" character at the Renaissance Faire in San Bernardino. Stoner Lad tells James that all the troublemakers in school are undergoing a terrifying process of Eddie Haskellization. James is skeptical, until Stoner Lad himself is captured by Dr. Bruce, and forced to wear an argyle sweater vest. The Blue Ribbons beat up James in the cafeteria, and he strikes back by hiding in the basement during lunch period, and gnawing fretfully at an apple. The Rat Catcher is impressed by James’ heroic example, and bestows upon him his new super hero identity: "Lunch Boy." When James get home that night, he finds the perky and soulless Blue Ribbonette Lorna waiting on the couch for him. He responds by pulling a Coke out of the fridge, and ostentatiously drinking it. Lorna is aroused by the male’s display of product placement, and opens her blouse. She kisses James, then smashes a mirror with her face, and tries to slash his carotid artery with a shard of glass. James feels that Lorna is sending him mixed signals, and the encounter ends uncomfortably for both of them. The next day, Katie goes down into the basement so she can be menaced and pawed by Chuck, one of the Blue Ribbons. Just as he’s getting started, however, he’s driven insane by a squeal emitted from the Rat Catcher’s ultra-sonic pest-repelling boom box. Hmm. So the evil, conformist Eddie Haskells operate on the same frequency as rats! How’s that for stinging social satire? Eat Disturbing Behavior’s DUST, Voltaire! Lunch Boy joins forces with Katie (who keeps uttering the word "razor" in non-tonsorial contexts, so that’s apparently her superhero name) to investigate Dr. Bruce. They take the ferry to Sinister Acres, the gothic asylum where Dr. Bruce last worked. On the way over, Lunch Boy reveals that his brother shot himself in the head–so I guess he was Superman. Razor and Lunch Boy use their powers to jump-cut the Security guard in a single bound, and wander freely around the asylum, stopping periodically to tap on the glass and annoy the deformed inmates. Eventually, they find a girl in a flannel nightgown, sitting in a rocking chair, and waiting to decompose into Norman’s mother from Psycho. A hospital bracelet identifies her as Dr. Bruce’s daughter, which seems like it ought to be a plot point, but really isn’t. "Let’s get out of here," Katie says. Yes, let’s. But first, let’s take a moment to sandwich in a music video; so the director cranks up the Harvey Danger on the soundtrack, while Katie bounces bralessly down the corridor. Back home, Lunch Boy is jumped by the Blue Ribbons, who strap James into a barber chair and force him to commit plagiarism, by propping his eye open and making him watch images of hackneyed Americana–thereby ripping off both A Clockwork Orange and Reagan’s old "It’s Morning in America" commercials at the same time. James escapes, and finds Katie strapped into another chair, but she seems groggy, disoriented. Did they manage to seize control of her will, or did he get to her in time? Oh, who cares? They escape from school with the aid of Albino Boy, but run into a roadblock of Blue Ribbons. Is this the end for Lunch Boy and Razor?! Sadly, no. Because suddenly, the Rat Catcher arrives, with dozens of rodent-repelling boom boxes in the back of his El Camino. He switches them on, and the Blue Ribbons scream and writhe with agony. Naturally, they can’t get enough of this, and when he drives off, they follow him to the hydroelectric plant. Rat Catcher, who was shot by Dr. Bruce, just before he ran the mad doctor down with his car, now plans to rip off the end of Thelma and Louise. He turns to James, and speaks the words that would become the rallying cry of the Teen Titans from that day forward: "Do good things, Lunch Boy!" Okay, that’s a pretty lame war cry, but you have to remember that he had a sucking chest wound. So did the screenwriter, for all I know. It would explain much. As the berzerker Blue Ribbons climb all over his El Camino, the Rat Catcher tries again for an inspirational epitaph. Pushing the gas pedal to the floor, he shouts, "Hey! Teacher! Leave them kids alone!" Okay, that’s not a tremendous improvement; but as heroic last words go, it’s better than plunging into an abyss while screaming, "How can you have any pudding when you don’t eat your meat?" Rat Catcher drives off the dam, taking the entire Student Council with him. Dr. Bruce comes back from the dead so they can rip off the end of Niagara. "There’ll be other towns, and other troubled teens," he says, adding, "Science is god!" James retorts, "Be the ball!" The audience cries, "Where’s the exit?" ********* Now, armed with the facts, let revisit the "Youth Abatement" plans proposed by these movies and determine which one offers the most hope of wiping out annoying teens in our lifetime. The drug solution, as shown in Teenage Devil Dolls, while effective, is too expensive to be practical, since it requires issuing each teen his or her own narcotics cop to follow them around and narrate their life. Being open-minded, caring, and perfect, like in Because They’re Young, does tend to keep kids out of jail, but it puts them in drama school instead—and it’s this ecological imbalance which led to the current glut of "Dawson's Creek" actors, which oversupply is threatening to wipe out all intelligent life on the planet. So, it looks like the scientific brain reprogramming presented in Disturbing Behavior is our best bet. Even though Dr. Bruce Greenwood was defeated by one of the Dawsonkinder, we believe this can be prevented in the future by keeping kids out of school basements and not allowing them to socialize with janitors. We hope that the current MTV mind control tests prove successful, and we look forward to a nation full of polite, well-behaved young ladies and gentlemen who only kill people when shown the queen of spades. 1:50:25 AM     comment [] trackback []

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