Sunday Cinema
The Pope is dead. You heard it here first.
I tried to select a fitting movie from Subliminal Cinema, but couldn't find anything that seemed really appropriate (although Mesa of Lost Women was in the running). I finally chose the most religious movie we have reviewed, The Omega Code.
Hey, Omega Code was made by Trinity Broadcasting, and it's about how a secret code in the Bible unlocks a cosmic light show (or something), so I think it's a pretty good selection.
Plus, it can serve as a warm-up for the NBC mini-series "Revelations."
In case you haven't seen the ads, "Revelations" is about how Bill Pullman (or somebody much like him) and a hot nun have to seek out the signs of the End Times in order to prevent Satan from bringing about the Apocalypse. Bill (or whoever he is) is a scientist (or something) who is having a crisis of faith because his daughter died -- however, we'd like to point out to Bill that since the script was written by the guy who also wrote The Omen, he's probably better off with the kid dead..
Per TV reviewers, NBC execs are hoping that the same people who made the Left Behind books and The Da Vinci Code big hits will take to this series. (NBC, here's a suggestion: invite Tim LaHaye to play a cameo role in "Revelations," then have him get eaten by Satanists or something. I guarantee that would get you some viewers.)
Anyway, next time at "Sunday Cinema," as part of our ongoing tribute to the Pope and Revelations, we'll post another movie about the Apocalypse and/or Satan in Space. It's our way of honoring this solemn time.
But now, it's time for The Omega Code!!! This summary is by Scott C.
OMEGA CODE (1999)
Directed by: Robert Marcarelli
Written by: Stephan Blinn and Hollis Barton
Tagline: "Not just a movie...It’s a miracle!"
According to the opening title card of this miracle, "Scholars seek ‘The Bible Code,’ a mathematical phenomenon whose hidden messages are said to contain the whole of human history." Give or take the last two thousand years, that is. A few other title cards follow, but basically, the movie’s premise is this: Like Playstation 2 games, the bible contains Easter eggs. Such as the "Key to Jerusalem," which brings ultimate power, for whosoever controls Jerusalem in the end days shall control the world, and get power-ups and extra ammo.
Our miracle opens in Jerusalem, where an elderly rabbi is doing some sort of Hebrew Junior Jumble. Suddenly, Michael Ironside shows up with the most unconvincing beard since Lisa Marie Presley, and shoots the old man. He swipes a CD-ROM, but his escape is hampered by Sigfried and Roy, who keep bi-locating around corners until it makes everybody nauseous.
Cut to an infomercial set, where Caspar the Friendly van Dien (the poor man’s Troy Donohue) has arrived to discuss the Bible Code. After introducing the spellbound audience to a revolutionary hair care regimen, he announces that the bible contains a secret crossword puzzle that foretells the future. Using advanced pink highlighter technology, Caspar proves that the Torah predicted Hitler, the Kennedy assassinations, and Isaac Hayes’ Oscar for Shaft. Then he explains that the murdered rabbi believed the Bible was actually a holographic computer program! And that his shoelaces were actually mind- reading earthworms that could control his feet!
Anyway, it seems we’ve been reading the Bible wrong all these years, since it’s actually intended to be studied in three dimensions; which explains why the rabbi was wearing those paper glasses with the red and blue lenses.
Cut to Rome, where Michael York (the poor man’s Simon McCorkindale) has just been appointed "Chairman of the European Union." Since the EU doesn’t have a chairman, it’s probably just something the Europeans told Michael so he’d go away. Meanwhile, the UN presents him with its highest humanitarian award, for single-handedly wiping out world hunger by inventing Pop-Tarts.
Back in LA, Caspar’s marriage is in trouble, because he’s having "visions," bouts of ecstatic imagery that some might call "hallucinations," but others would call "lousy special effects."
Meanwhile, some Russians are using computer technology to decode the Bible, distilling it into a series of cryptic phrases, such as "Ten Horns Unite World Peace," "Houses of Isaac and Ishmael Torn in Terror," and "April: Best Time to Buy a Great Pants Suit."
The Russians blow up a papier-mâché model of the Dome of the Rock mosque, and Caspar immediately rushes to Rome to help Michael revive the Roman empire, and to introduce Michael’s new line of formal housecoats for men.
Meanwhile, one of the Russians wimps out and tries to warn Caspar about...something, but he’s gunned down by a unicycle-riding clown.
Michael takes over the world (but in a nice way) and rebuilds the Solomonic Temple. Caspar’s visions become clearer, and we begin to see that they’re actually home videos of the Sacramento Jaycees Haunted House.
Tired of playing second banana, Ironside shoots and kills Michael, but Michael really needs the work, so he comes back to life. Meanwhile, afraid that the audience won’t sufficiently recoil from Ironside just because he murdered a man in cold blood, the filmmakers suddenly decide that he’s a homosexual, too! It doesn’t turn out to have anything to do with the story, but they felt better saying it.
Michael calls the leaders of the world to his bedside, where Sam from "Quincy" wants to know what it was like to be dead. Apparently, Michael’s answer goes over big, and the leaders appoint him King of the World, on the condition that he bring about a new Pax Romana, and doesn’t make a crappy movie about the Titanic.
The angels Sigfried and Roy reappear, and present Caspar with the Final Code. Meanwhile, Michael’s coronation takes place inside the new Temple, which has been meticulously reconstructed, based on Old Testament accounts and archeological data, to resemble the ballroom of the Airport Holiday Inn in Burbank.
Michael is crowned King of the World, but when he declares himself god as well, there is a mighty uproar, and Sigfried and Roy must save all humanity by challenging Michael to a contest of overacting. They seem to have the upper hand, when they are suddenly shot dead by Ironside, who prefers a more understated performance style.
Caspar is visited by some bad digital effects, which restore his faith, but nobody really cares. Meanwhile, Sigfried and Roy are raised from the dead, and upon their resurrection they kill Ironside by choking him with a giant hairball.
Caspar surrenders the Final Code to Michael in order to prevent further bloodshed, and another dull action sequence, and Michael enters it into the computer, thereby unlocking "the DNA of the Universe." This act produces a violent lightstorm, which causes Satan to trip, and fall out of Michael’s body. The end.
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So, The Omega Code. It helps lower your cholesterol and gives your hair a glossy sheen. No wait, that’s omega-3 oil—the Omega Code is the scientific formula proven by Robert Vaughn to restore hair loss in men.
Anyway, this movie is a dramatization of what some people believe the last days of Planet Earth will be like—trouble in the Middle East, wars and plagues, dead Sigfried and Roys coming back to life, and evil Michael Yorks deceiving everybody into thinking the EU has a chairman. Coincidence? Read the book! That is, the Book of Revelation. As you know (and we’re just trying to make you feel better by saying that, because we know that you spent your time in Sunday School sniggering at the story of the talking ass), there are several ways to interpret the prophecies in Revelation. This movie (and miracle) uses the futurist approach, which says that most of John’s predictions will be fulfilled in the 3 1/2-year period starting…now! However, other groups interpret the book differently, and until God says, "Hey, I was just kidding; are you people stupid or what?" no one can say where the truth lies. But we think we have some pretty good guesses. So let us answer your biblical questions and we’ll all go to hell together.
Q: Okay, who is the Beast of Revelation?
A: In our movie today, it was Michael York. But those who take a historical approach to Revelation say the Beast is the Roman Empire, or the emperor Domitian. Others have identified the Beast as Lenin, Hitler, or even Henry Kissinger.
Q: But who do you say it is?
A: Pauley Shore.
Q: Seriously?
A: No, we’re just kidding you. Actually, it’s Adam Sandler.
Q: What’s with the 666?
A: It’s the number of the Beast—probably his cell phone number, but if you call, you’ll just get the voice mail of the Beast, since he’s a busy guy.
Q: Is the Beast the same person at the antichrist?
A: Most Christians believe the antichist is either Satan himself, or any false prophet; however, some say it is anything that takes us away from God, and that it might be found in the laughter of small children who won’t be quiet while you're trying to sleep. But those who go in for vaguely Christian apocalyptic literature feel that the Antichrist is the offspring of the Devil (to mirror the Christian belief that Jesus is the Son of God). So, the antichrist is actually Tori Spelling.
Q: What exactly is the mark of the Beast? How does the VISA card relate to the mark of the beast? What is the role of computers in the final beast kingdom?
A: "The mark of the Beast" is the UN-mandated barcode that everyone will need to have on their hand or forehead to get PopTarts from Michael York in the final days. VISA cards with computer chips record everything you buy and do, and report on whether you’ve been naughty or nice—so actually, VISA is the mark of Santa, not Satan. And as we saw in the movie, computers play a very important role in the Final Beast Kingdom, and skilled computer operators are needed to input the universe’s DNA. That’s why we suggest you enroll in vocational school today, and get a degree in computer science, demonology, black magic, or gun repair.
Q: And who is the Whore of Babylon?
A: Jennifer Lopez.
Anyway, vote now for our next Subliminal Cinema selection. The nominees are: Left Behind II: Tribulation Force (starring the dreamy Kirk Cameron), The Omen III: The Final Conflict (starring the competently satanic Sam Neill), End of Days (starring the governor of California); Event Horizon (starring Sam Neill, Laurence Fishburne, and a really mean space ship); or The Black Hole (starring a cute little robot and Satan himself). It's your call -- and since you probably aren't a Cardinal, it may be your only shot at influencing spiritual matters this week.
4:35:49 AM 
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