Doug and Mike, Together Again
While I don't actually know if Pastor Doug Giles and Dr. Mike Adams. Ph.D. will ever be going on any more of those manly camping trips, I will briefly recap both of their recent Townhall columns in the same post. You know, in the hopes that they will think of the good times, and reconcile.
So, first let's hear from Dr. Mike, whose thesis is that Gonzaga University needs a Spanish Inquisition to get rid of all of the anti-Catholic heresy to be found on campus.
Last week, I gave a speech at Gonzaga University - a university I have written about on three separate occasions. After spending two days at this "Catholic" university, I have come to the conclusion that it is far worse than my previous articles had suggested. I use the term "worse," primarily to describe Gonzaga's betrayal of Catholic principles - all in the name of tolerance and diversity.
As far as I can tell, Mike isn't Catholic (Bartholomew, who investigates Mike's claims about his conversion from atheist to Christianity, says, "Aside from his links to Doug Giles, nothing much can be gleaned about his actual church or personal religious mentors"). So, then why does Mike care so much about Gonzaga's "betrayal of Catholic principles"? Well, he doesn't, really -- he just hates tolerance and diversity. And universities.
And what proof does Mike have of Gonzaga's lack of Catholicism?
I could try to persuade my readers that my conclusion is correct by simply talking about the gay pride ribbons tied around lampposts and stair rails all around the Gonzaga campus.
If somebody has tied gay pride ribbons around lampposts and stair rails, then clearly the university has strayed from Catholic dogma, which holds that looping bits of colored fabric on metal objects damns one's soul to hell.
I could also talk about the Gonzaga feminists who ran in and out of classrooms shouting the word "c**t" on Vagina Day, which was previously known as Valentine's Day. They were greeted with amused laughter from professors who had their lectures interrupted by these profane displays of feminist hysteria.
Yes, he could talk about the Gonzaga feminists, and how their shouts caused him ED -- he could talk about them for hours. And I bet he has (damned feminists)! But the key thing to remember is that because some feminists at Gonzaga used a vulgar term for vagina and some professors laughed, the university isn't Catholic, because we all know that good Catholics don't have vaginas. (Well, they do, but they don't TALK about them -- they just use them to, you know, bring forth more Catholics.)
Finally, I could talk about the National Day of Silence at Gonzaga. This is the day that gays and their allies refrain from speaking on campus, in order to promote awareness of discrimination against gays.
But I won't talk about any of these things-
That's good, because otherwise people might wonder about his preoccupation with gays, and his visceral reaction of disgust for vaginas.
-especially the National Day of Silence. In fact, I would like to start a National Year of Silence. Imagine going twelve months without hearing some guy with a lisp decry the high cost of grooming his miniature poodle.
Yes, despite what you may have heard, Mike IS NOT GAY, because he doesn't lisp, doesn't own a miniature poodle, and really, really hates men who are gay. And women. No, he is, as Wonkette said, a "flaming heterosexual." And don't you forget it!
Instead of hearing about the above, I would like for my readers to see what a Gonzaga Professor of Religious Studies (Robert J. Egan) sent to various members of the Gonzaga University community on April 21, 2004:
Can you guess the topic of the memo that, per Mike, on by itself conclusively proves that Gonzaga has betrayed its Catholicism?
Yeah, you're right: Gay marriage.
Let's just skip to my favorite part of Mike's oh-so-clever fisking of Egan's memo:
"To put the matter simply: gay and lesbian people exist; they are real people; they have the same rights as any other people, and others do discriminate against them in various ways, including our own federal government. This situation, as I see it, is immoral."
(Author's note: Please disregard the previous reference to the Apostle Paul who said that homosexuality is immoral. Egan says that opposition to homosexuality is immoral. Burn your Bibles and dedicate yourself to a daily reading of Professor Egan's teachings).
Guess what Jesus (who outranks Paul) said about divorced people remarrying? He said that it's adultery (see Luke 16:18). And Paul said that adulters go to hell, right along with the gays (I Cor. 6:9). Therefore, if Gonzaga doesn't support a federal amendment prohibiting the divorced from remarrying, then it's betraying its Catholic principles, right, Dr, Mike?
(And btw, is there any truth to the rumor that Dr. Mike's marriage to former student Krysten is his second one? If so, we can only hope that his first wife died, because we'd hate to see him having to share eternal damnation with lisping guys who spend eons talking about their miniature poodles.)
Oh, and we hope that Gonzaga takes note of Dr. Adams criticisms and sets up a new department with the mission of ensuring that everyone on campus is properly Catholic. We recommend it be staffed by these guys:
[Image courtesy of these guys]
Now, on to Pastor Doug, who is every bit as masculine as Dr. Mike, if not more so. His column is about how today's women no longer want men to tape "Friends" and "Sex in the City," mostly because those shows haven't been made for a couple of years now.
According to a recent Washington Times report, American women are pig sick of the oversold and dandy metrosexual male imago. It seems as if the ladies are tired of dating, mating and watching these candy asses and, once again, are looking for a man whose masculinity is not in question.
A few points: first of all, the poll was commissioned by Dodge Trucks -- and so you might wonder if the questions were framed to elicit certain findings (such as that women will only sleep with men who drive Dodge Trucks).
Second, that most women want a man who is "low maintenance and easy going" doesn't mean that they have "embraced the Marlboro Man," as Doug puts it -- unless the fact that a majority of men want to date women who are low maintenance and easy going means that men too have embraced the Marlboro man (which Doug may indeed believe, now that I think of it).
And third, "pig sick"???
The decisively hetero girls are looking for some testosterone junkies who are not eating their gouda gift set but, instead, have mixed this smelly stuff with their stink bait and are using it to catch big catfish on the Chattahoochee.
So, if a woman rejects a testosterone junky like Doug, it means that she's a lesbian. Obviously.
Oh, and if the gouda set that Mrs. Doug gave him was smelly, then something was wrong, because gouda isn't a strong (or soft cheese). Do you think she did something to the cheese, or was Doug smelling something else, like his old socks?
God bless the women who are doing the Sadie Hawkins for guys who are low maintenance and easy going. Yeah … fine American lasses are righteously refusing the low yield, reflexively irate fops Hollywood has tried to cram down our culture’s collective throat.
Yeah, as a righteous American lass, I hate it when anyone tries to cram irate men down my throat (so to speak).
Yes, just when the sensible are about to go Ozzy on society and call for the four horsemen of the apocalypse to wrap this thing up, the clouds break and reveal that there is hope, once again, for our country after all.
While I'm glad that this Ford Truck survey of 1200 women has given Doug reason to live again, I am afraid I have some bad news for him, courtesy of Wonkette :
Bush Not Very Sexy, Women Say
Dance ten, looks two? "In a recent online poll conducted by Esquire magazine, 11,000 women in 15 countries were asked to rate Bush's sex appeal on a scale of one to 10, and America's commander-in-chief failed to register much more than a two." Esquire Poll Gives Bush Low Marks for Sex AppealEsquire Poll Gives Bush Low Marks for Sex Appeal [Reuters]
I hope this news doesn't mean that Doug is going to go Ozzie on society now. Hey, Doug, maybe it was just the foreign commie lesbos who didn't go for Bush's uber-macho sexiness. No wait, the Reuters article said that, "American women found their president slightly less appealing, rating him a 2.1" on a 1-10 point scale. But still, put the gun down, Doug, and we can talk about why you feel so strongly about metrosexuals.
Anyway, if you were wondering if you were a metrosexual, Doug offers a little quiz to help you become more masculine by making fun of you. (It turns out that, despite being in touch with my feminine side, I'm not a metrosexual since I no longer live in 1998. I feel so much more manly now that I know this.)
TBogg makes note of the quiz, and provides some photos of the kinds of eyebrow-plucking, salon-styled, Quiana-wearing Nancy boys Doug is talking about. You know, if I am any judge, they really do repel women!
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