Sunday Cinema
In case you haven't been watching, here's a run-down of what's happened on the NBC series "Revelations" so far:
A high-ranking devil worshipper kidnapped Bill Pullman's daughter and cut out her heart. Bill, a world- famous astrophysicist, tracked him down and brought him to justice by blinding him with SCIENCE! The devil worshipper has eerie supernatural powers, such as the ability to cut off his finger in the jailhouse door and have it later appear in some woman's chili at Wendy's.
An angelic blonde little girl was playing out in the rain, then God zapped her with lightening, causing her to become (a) comatose; (b) in a persistant vegetative state; or (c) or brain dead (all three terms are used interchangeably, but nobody, including super-genius Bill Pullman, seems to care). In any case, the girl's condition doesn't stop her from quoting from the Bible (in Latin, no less) and drawing maps which use ancient symbols and a drawing of Bill's avatar (the donkey). She does this to lead Sister Josepha, a nun who works for a miracle-seeking foundation funded by a nutty billionaire, to Bill, who is destined to be Skully to her Muldar. Bill isn't too eager to help her seek out the signs and prevent the End of Days. The Sister tells him that the brain-dead girl is being used as instrument to enable Bill's dead daughter to communicate with him. I guess God zapped the girl just so she can serve as a human intercom -- not the kind of thing you'd think a loving God would do, but hey, He works in mysterious ways.
A woman claiming to be a virgin gave birth to a son she said was God's. The boat carrying the child sunk, killing all on board except him. Is he the reborn Jesus? If he is, doesn't this prove reincarnation? (For a purported Christian series, "Revelations" has the weirest theology I've seen in a long time.)
Meanwhile, the evil authorities in Florida want to pull the plug on the zapped girl and use her organs to save other ailing kids, but Sister Josepha and her posse physically bar medical personnel from entering the kid's room (nobody but the Satanists seem to find this even slightly out of line). The girl dies, but comes to life again when Bill touches her. So, Bill and the Sister kidnap the girl from the hospital, and spirit her away to the Sister's convent. Again, nobody seems to care except the Satanist and his Satanic lawyer. (So see! If he had had some gumption, Jeb Bush could have used the National Guard to save Terri, and nobody would have even noticed..)
After learning that Sister Josepha and her order are basically heretical nutjobs whom not even the Pope endorses, Bill bids them adieu. However, on the way home he has a "Left Behind" moment (everyone on the plane has vanished except him -- it's unclear if they left their clothes and breast implants behind, like in the book.). Then Bill's dead daughter appears to him and says that she wants to go to heaven, but can't (presumably because God is ticked because Bill won't help the Sister, and is holding his daughter hostage).
So, Bill agrees to go to the Isle of Patmos with Sister Josepha and seek out the miracle baby she read about on WorldNetDaily. Bill is being followed by two identical fashion models with glow-in-the-dark eyes -- either they are Satanists, or the backup singers from Robert Palmer's "Addicted to Love" video.
Bill and the nun learn that the baby healed some people, who later got sick again, and was taken to a monastery, which then burned down. The nun says that the son of God wouldn't leave all these disasters in his wake, and then quotes some fake scripture about how in the last days, Satan will send false baby Jesuses to fool the believers, and these "cherubs" will attempt to lead people astray. So, apparently the devil is siring out-of-wedlock childen all over the place, as part of a cunning plan to counter Jesus, and have sex.
And that brings us to our next movie, another apocalyptic story dealing with the personification of ultimate evil; it’s also the shocking story of a fast food promotion gone horribly wrong.
THE NINTH GATE (1999)
Directed by Roman Polanski
Written by John Brownjohn, Enrique Urbizu, and Polanski; based on the novel by Arturo Pérez-Reverte
Meet Johnny Depp, Rare Book Mercenary—a cross between Paladin, Indiana Jones, and Mrs. Gildersleeve who ran the Bookmobile in Junior High. Book collector Frank Langella wants Johnny to authenticate a book he bought from the guy who killed himself before the credits. This tome, "The Nine Gates of the Kingdom of the Shadows," was published in 1666 (get it?), and led to the burning at the stake of one Aristide Torchia. It seems that Torquemada objected to Torchia co-authoring books with Satan, considering it blasphemy, since Satan's only sanctioned role in literature is as an agent.
But this does bring up the question of how they worked out the billing...Alphabetically? (By Beelzebub and Torchia.) Maybe it was "By Satan with Aristide Torchia" (after all, whose name on the cover is gonna sell more books?) Or maybe it was the standard celebrity kind of arrangement: "By Lucifer, Prince of Darkness, As Told to Aristide Torchia."
Anyway, there are only three copies of the book, and Frank wants Johnny to compare his to the other two, because the genuine article can summon up the devil.
Lena Olin, widow of the book’s former owner, shows up at Johnny’s place and asks to buy the book back. When Johnny refuses, she puts her hand on his crotch and her tongue down his throat. Johnny is puzzled--is she coming on to him? As she strips for action, we notice a tattoo of a snake on her butt. Since Johnny is dealing with occult disciples and satanic arcana, this is obviously a significant clue, and Johnny quickly deduces that she’s a herpetologist.
When the book fails to turn up during sex, Lena pulls Johnny's hair and bites him, fighting techniques she apparently learned on the playground from one of Roman's previous girlfriends.
Next, Johnny goes to see the elderly identical twins who sold the book to the dead guy. The monozygotic bibliophiles point out that three of the nine engravings in the book were signed by Torchia's co-author, Lucifer. Johnny is skeptical, recalling how he was duped by that purported Mephistopheles Diary ("Dear Diary, Today I tricked that bimbo Eve into going off her diet. Boy, is God going to be pissed, because his only rule was 'No Fat Chicks!'")
But Johnny heads off to Portugal to examine the second copy of the book, which is found to contain three different engravings signed by Lucifer. Apparently, this is some kind of McDonald’s contest, where you have to collect all nine game pieces to win a Quarter Pounder. The next day he finds the owner of the second book drowned and his engravings gone! Somebody else is obviously after the free fries, and is willing to kill to get them!
Johnny then travels to Paris to see Baroness Kessler, owner of the third book. She turns out to be a sharp old gal who provides valuable exposition, for which we will always bless her, even if she is a staunch fundamentalist devil worshipper who doesn't hold with Ernest Borgnine's liberalization of church doctrine. She explains that after the death of Torchia, his followers formed a group called The Silver Serpent Secret Friends (or something like that). However, the sect has degenerated into a club for bored billionaires who need excuses to dress up in black robes and have orgies. The Baroness used to be a member, but when she was chosen last for orgying she took her book and went home. Lina, current leader of Satan’s Serpents, wants a copy of the book to use at the annual gathering where they try to summon Satan. ("The agenda for our meeting on the 12th includes a reading of last year's minutes, a semiformal orgy, and the raising of Beelzebub, followed by punch and cookies in the fellowship hall.")
Leaving the Baroness’s, Johnny is menaced by a scary guy, but saved by Emmanuelle Seigner, wife of the director. She not only demonstrates her slo-mo martial arts moves (she's either bionic or demonic, take your pick), but also flies. About now I'd be suspicious, if I were Johnny. But then, if I were Johnny, I wouldn't have done Nick of Time or The Astronaut’s Wife either.
Johnny wanders around France until he finds Frank Langella at a tower pictured in the book, the nine engravings spread out before him. Frank announces that he's solved the puzzle (it's apparently Lucifer's Junior Jumble), and so he will become the equal to God (which, as countless mad scientists have proven, means ignominious death in the next five minutes). Frank intones the rebus prayer to the devil derived from the engravings, brags about having power over all things, and lights himself on fire to demonstrate that he feels no pain. Um, big mistake. Johnny eventually puts the shrieking Demonic Torch out of its misery, grabs the engravings, and runs outside. Emmanuelle appears beside him, and is suddenly nude; they make love to the background of the burning building and the odor of charred Frank Langella.
Emmanuelle reveals that the ritual didn't work for Frank because the ninth engraving was a forgery. She disappears, leaving behind a note saying that the real engraving is at the twin booksellers’ shop. Johnny goes there and the engraving eerily falls into his hands. It shows Emmanuelle riding a three-headed dragon in front of the ruined tower at dawn. Johnny returns to the tower. The sun comes up. The screen turns white.
The End.
"NO FAIR!" I hear you shouting. "What in tarnation happened?"
Well, since you asked so nicely, let me explain my theory.
Johnny had collected all nine authentic satanic engravings; he had solved the riddle. (Just be glad this movie wasn't a hit, or kids would have been giving up Pokemon cards and spending all their time trading and collecting 17th Century engravings: "Get the whole set! Impress your friends! Devour your enemies!") He had summoned Old Scratch, who was presumably the spooky chick. So, the judges at Price-Waterhouse determined that he had complied with all the rules set forth by the State Attorney General, and so was entitled to the Grand Prize of omnipotence. And once he was omnipotent, he got the hell out of this stupid movie and started a new life as…I don’t know, Rosemary’s Cry-Baby. The End.
Yes, The Ninth Gate: a powerful story about the dangers of entering promotions sponsored by Satan. I hope you’ll think twice about Ed McMahon after what you’ve seen today.
But the movie is also a cautionary tale about cursed books, and how you should probably try to avoid them. The best way to do this is to resist signing up for the Cursed Book Club, despite the two free volumes. As you may recall, there have been several other demonic texts which have brought suffering to innocent people, such as The Necronomicon of Abdul Alhazred. While we don’t blame it for what happened in Re-Animator, we do hold it culpable for all those nerds who keep blathering about Yog-Sothoth, and how after Cthulhu returns we’ll be sorry that we wouldn’t go out with them. And of course, there are many other tomes whose very names strike dread in the hearts of the innocent: Unaussprechlichen Kulten by Friedrich von Junzt; De Vermis Mysteriis by Ludvig Prinn; and How to Speak to a Liberal, by Ann Coulter. We advise you to stay well away from these damned books, for the sake of your very soul!
2:09:25 AM 
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