Sunday, May 01, 2005

The Danger of Making Monsters   Randall Terry was bankrupt (financially, socially, and morally), and basically sidelined after he married his young assistant and left Operation Rescue.  But then the Schindler family contacted him, and brought him out of obscurity to help them garner publicity for their battle against Michael Schiavo.  Terri died, but Randall is still alive, walking by night, creating havoc, and terrorizing the villagers.  It's like Bart Simpson said in the Tree House of Horror ep about the brain-eating zombies: "I thought dabbling in the black arts would be good for a chuckle. How wrong I was." Randall is now involving himself in the case of "L.G.," the thirteen-year-old girl whom Florida's Department of Children and Families is trying to prevent from getting an abortion. Here's part of the letter which Terry sent to Jeb Bush (this copy courtesy of the media relations network run by the "culture of life's" Gary McCullough, but it's also been carried by such wingnut sources as MichNews, The Conservative Voice, Christian Underground, and quoted by such major media sources as Newsweek, the Miami Herald, and the Palm Beach Post): Governor Bush, under no circumstances should LG's baby be killed by abortion. I am begging you to not allow a repeat of the Terry Schindler fiasco, which results in the death of another innocent person. Who the heck is "Terry Schindler"?  But I think you see what Terry's point is: just as Terri Schiavo shouldn't get to choose not to live without higher brain functions, L.G. shouldn't get to choose to abort her 13-week pregnancy.  Nope, somebody like Jeb should step in and decide what happens to these women (but only if he supports what Randall wants), because Randall and Jeb know what's best for them.  And since Jeb blew it last time by not sending in the National Guard to "rescue" Terri, Randall is giving him one more chance to redeem himself by forcing this girl to carry her baby to term. Please Mr. Governor, use every means at your disposal to ensure that this innocent unborn child is brought to full-term, and delivered alive. Pro-abortion zealots at the ACLU and pro-abortion judges must not be allowed to snuff out the life of this unique human being. Per Randally, each fertilized egg is a unique human being with all the rights guaranteed by the Constitution.  However, the women in whose bodies these unborn children reside are just a vessels, and have no rights. Moreover, it is clear that LG is a deeply troubled young woman. Yes, she most likely is (she was abused and neglected by her parents, who terminated all parental rights to her when she was about 7 -- she has been living in foster homes and state institutions ever since).  However, she sounded pretty sensible at the hearing.  Here's a quote from the Newsweek story about the case: "Why can't I make my own decision?" she asked Palm Beach County Judge Ronald Alvarez at a hearing on Thursday. "What is it that you don't understand?" Feisty and defiant, she appealed to his reason: "I don't think I should have the baby because I'm 13, I'm in a shelter and I can't get a job." But, per Terry, if the girl is troubled, then she should be required to carry this child for another 6 months and then give birth, because that will be good for her mental health. If she is permitted or pressured into having this abortion, it will be one more mountain of guilt that she will have to carry on her young back. This will be a horrifying, defining moment for her, which will bring no long term relief or solutions to her turbulent life, and will only compound her grief and the emotional crises she will face in the future. Even though he's never met this girl, Terry knows what's best for her.  Yeah, he's only thinking of her welfare. And instead of trying to fix a state agency which doesn't seem to be doing what it should for the born children in Florida (DCF keeps losing children, and let L.G. run away and get pregnant), Randall believes that the governor (and Randall himself) are doing God's work by instead focusing on the preborn. For whatever reasons that Providence has permitted, the eyes of the nation continue to focus on life and death issues in Florida, and hence on you as our Governor. I pray that you will be a stalwart champion for life and justice, unflinching in the face of criticism, a man equal to the battles the lie before you. Translation: "God screwed up and let you be governor instead of me, so I hope that you don't blow it again this time like you did in the Schiavo case, you wimp, and I pray that you will force this young girl to carry her pregnancy to term, so that you can prove to the pro-life extremists that you're one of us." Please fight for this baby's life, and do not surrender this unborn child to the hands of his would-be slayers under any circumstances. Meaning, I guess, that if the judge rules that the girl has the right to an abortion and DCF has no right to intervene, that Jeb should send the state police to "protect" the girl from the people who are trying to help her do what she and they think is best for her, and should lock the girl in prison (for her own good) until her baby is born. And if Jeb does "surrender this unborn child to the hands of his would-be slayers," I guess that means that Terry will consider Jeb worthy of execution, just like Terry does abortion providers.  Yeah, Jeb, think of the doctors killed by Terry's associates, and choose your course wisely -- "live by the culture of life, die by the culture of life," as the Good Book says. 5:46:16 AM     comment [] trackback [] 'Revelations' Report   Here's our "Revelations" update for the week: Bill Pullman apparently didn't get killed last week (drat!), and the Greek doctor who cures him of falling cross syndrome tells him and Sister Jo that one of his colleagues recently treated Virgin Mary II, who was sent to a mental institution in Italy.  So, Bill and Sister Jo head off to Italy. Bill and Sister Joe find the mother of the mystery child, and she's blonde and ethereal-looking, so Sister Joe now believes her when she says her baby is Jesus.  The mother also claims that some priests tried to repress her, so Bill and Sister Joe go to the Vatican to file a consumer complaint.  As they roam the streets of Rome, a devil car (an Audi, I think) tries to run them down.  Satan's Super models watch languidly from the sidelines. Bill pushes Sister Joe into a handy dress shop, and makes her don a sexy red frock.  (He says it's because nun habits are so conspicuous, but that sounds bogus to me, since Rome should be crawling with nuns -- frankly, I think it was just to make her look secular and/or slutty.  So, I urge Sister Jo to listen to Sting when he sings, "You don't have to wear that dress tonight!") Meanwhile, Bill's sorta step-son Hawk (not played by Avery Brooks) meets a teen cyber temptress and runs away with her.  Alas, she's a devil worshipper, and part of a group that plans to sacrifice Hawk, so he has to remain a virgin, meaning that their roll in the hay (or wheat or whatever it was in that grain car) was a chaste one.  (Don't you hate it when that happens?)  Fred Durst is also revealed to be a Satanist, although we already assumed as much, since he is, after all, a rock musician. Meanwhile, Isaiah Haden, the imprisoned head Satanist, eats some of the brain-dead girl's hair (his lawyer brought it to him as a special treat), goes into a trance, and is able to project his consciousness into the girl's body.  While there, he sees the name of the convent (St. Terri's, I think it was), and so knows where the girl is being kept.  (See, kids, this is the drawback to keeping the brain-dead alive: their bodies can be possessed by Satanists -- and probably by evil spirits too, since, as we learned on the program about exorcisms that preceded "Revelations," evil spirits are always possessing people and making them growl and vomit and stuff.) Score for the Week: Evil - 2, Good - 0,  Stupidity - 5. Be sure to tune in next week, which features Sean Hannity as Apollyon, the king of the man-faced, smoke and brimstone-spewing, horse locusts (see Rev.9: 7-11).  (Okay, I don't know if the series will really get into the horse locusts, but I think it would be appropriate for Sean to play the angel of the bottomless pit.) 4:25:51 AM     comment [] trackback []   Sunday Cinema   In honor of "Revelations" and the reported battle between blue-state secularism and red-state religion, we bring you another movie about Satan, this one featuring your favorite stars from "Star Trek," "Green Acres," "Air Wolf," "Welcome Back, Kotter," and whatever show it was that Tom Skerritt starred in. Yes, it's The Devil's Rain, the movie that demonstrates that the Senate filibuster is a battle against people of faith, just like James Dobson said it was.  (In the film, "Justice Sunday" is held in a quaint Satanist chapel, and William Shatner and Ernest Borgnine portray Bill Frist and Harry Reid -- I'm not sure which actor is portraying which pol, except that since Ernest wins the debate, I think he must be Reid.)  This film summary comes from the Subliminal Cinema chapter about Satan in the movies, "DEVILED HAM: Torments of the Damned, or Just Overacting?" We start with the chapter intro -- consider this your Sunday School lesson for the week.    DEVILED HAM: Torments of the Damned, or Just Overacting?   The great monotheistic religions have a tradition of enforcing their fiats with threats of post mortem reprisals. Unfortunately, it's difficult for many people to grasp the concept of eternal, unceasing torment, which makes it an inefficient behavior modification tool (even if it is one of the few training methods approved by PETA). Adding to this problem is the lack of any consistent architecture of Hell. Some consider it to be a vast lake of fire, where damned souls writhe and burn until the extinction of time itself. Others envision it as no worse than Alabama in July, where it's not the brimstone so much, it's the humidity. This problem is especially acute for artists who seek to map the netherworld; in order to portray ultimate suffering, they must assault their audience, transgressing the limits of taste and tolerance. We see this in the paintings of Hieronymous Bosch, in Dante's "Inferno," and in the performance stylings of Howie Mandell. (Who, as of this writing, has grown a goatee, shaved his head, and now bears a startling resemblance to Anton La Vey, founder of the Church of Satan. Coincidence? We think not.) But how has Hollywood, which for much of its history was under the censorious boot heel of the Hays Office, dealt with depictions of eternal damnation? By and large, through overacting. It's no mere happenstance that Satan is often portrayed as a cloven-footed beast, nor that the Jewish and Muslim traditions forbid the consumption of pork, for ham is a powerful symbol of evil. Watch William Shatner's performance in The Devil's Rain, and tell us you don't feel the hot, bacon-scented breath of Satan on the back of your neck. Observe Frank Langella's climactic scene in The Ninth Gate, and see if you can't smell the pure pork sausage of perdition, frying on the brimstone-fired stoves of Hell itself. And even if the thought of unending darkness and limitless pain is beyond your ken, 100 minutes of Casper Van Dien in The Omega Code will make the punishments of a burning underworld all too real. So Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here, and keep your hands and arms inside the car at all times. There's some bad, bad actin' ahead.     THE DEVIL’S RAIN (1975) Directed by Robert Fuest Written by James Ashton, Gabe Essoe, and Gerald Hopman It is a dark and stormy night. Ida Lupino is worried about her husband—and she has cause, because when he shows up, he’s missing his eyes. Mr. Ida tells son William Shatner to take "The Book" to Ernest Borgnine, then melts into a pile of goop—a thing which apparently happens all the time, since neither Ida nor Shatner is much impressed by it. Next morning, Shatner rides out into the California desert until he reaches Satan’s Subdivision (which, though it reeks of unholy corruption, is conveniently located near schools and shopping). He and Borgnine exchange fraught dialogue until it’s apparent they are equally matched in the overacting department, so they agree to a Faith showdown. As they enter the New England-style white clapboard chapel where the duel is to take place, we notice that the whole congregation is wearing black robes ornamented with Hello Kitty insignias--and they don’t have any eyes! Apparently, Borgnine’s entire following consists of a Braille Academy graduating class that he recruited in mid-commencement. Borgnine and Shatner each offer prayers to the deities of their choice, and then Shatner shoots a bunch of parishioners. This is not only improper behavior in a house of worship, but the judges rule that it constitutes illegal use of a foreign object, so Ernest gets his soul. Meanwhile, over in Hooterville, Shatner’s brother Tom Skerritt and Tom’s vacant wife Julie are playing the Kreskin Home Game with Eddie Albert. Just then, Tom receives word that his family is missing and presumed damned. Tom and Julie head over to the Satanic Suburbs, where up-and-coming cult member John Travolta (who is listed in the credits as "Danny, the Littlest Satanist") roughs them up. Julie then has a flashback to their previous lives in Colonial Salem. It seems they sold their souls to Satan (through his licensed representative, Ernest Borgnine) in exchange for acting careers. However, the good times ended when Shatner's wife stole Borgnine’s book of names and ratted everybody out to the HUAC, which burned them at the stake. The Satanists are impressed by Julie’s uncanny ability to provide exposition, and they kidnap her. A shaken Tom seeks help from Eddie Albert (since his first choice, Arnold Ziffle, was busy). Eddie deduces that "The Book", which has been in Tom’s family ever since the flashback, contains the signatures of those who sold their souls back in Salem. Eddie further explains that Satan won’t accept delivery of the souls without proof of purchase, which explains why Ernest wants The Book so badly--it’s the end of the quarter and he needs to get his expenses in. While exploring the quaint Satanist chapel, Tom and Eddie discover a manhole that leads to Hell. While browsing around the underworld, they pick up a lovely souvenir at The Ungodly Giftshop: Satan’s Sno-Globe, a vessel containing the souls of Borgnine’s followers. These unfortunates are continually subject to the Devil's Rain—which must be even ickier than golden showers, to hear the people in the paperweight moan and groan. But while they were sno-globe shopping, Borgnine grabbed "The Book," causing him to hideously transform into the physical embodiment of Satan--which means that he wears a white fright wig, a sheep’s nose, and ram horns. Or maybe he suddenly became a spokesmodel for Dodge Trucks--the movie’s a little vague on this point. Tom puts on a Hello Kitty Satanic cap and gown and infiltrates the coven, but he blows his cover by objecting mildly to Borgnine’s plan to sacrifice Julie (allowing John Travolta to deliver his only line in the movie, "Blasphemer! Blasphemer!"). Score so far: Evil 5, Good 0. Suddenly, the filmmakers spring their horrible surprise: William Shatner is still in the movie! And now he has the sno-globe. Fortunately, he succumbs to Eddie’s plea to break the cursed knick-knack, assured that this will free his soul (and everybody else’s) from the devil's power. Unfortunately, this doesn’t end the movie, it just causes it to rain—and, as it turns out, devil worshippers are highly water-soluble. So, everybody starts to get gooey and then to melt. For nearly ten minutes. What a world, what a world. While the copy on the video box promises "Absolutely the most incredible ending of any motion picture!" this sequence actually contains all the thrills of watching a carton of Neapolitan ice cream you’ve left out in the sun. But if you are lactose intolerant, you might feel vindicated by it. Eventually the landscape is littered with sticky piles of pastel goo that used to be Borgnine and company, and Julie and Tom are free to go on with their lives, released from the curse that has hung over their family for centuries! At last, Good (represented by the star of Green Acres) has triumphed over Evil (embodied by the co-star of Airwolf), just as it was foretold in the Book of Revelation. The End. ********** So, what did we learn from this movie? Mainly that the disposition of one’s immortal soul depends not upon good works, or mortal sin, but on whether Satan’s minions turn in their paperwork on time. We also learned the importance of keeping accurate records. IRS Publication 552, "Record Keeping for Individuals" makes the same point, albeit without William Shatner or John Travolta, so it’s more entertaining. This pamphlet, written for Americans of all ages, asks thought-provoking questions, like "Why Keep Records?" and then provides faith-affirming, weirdly ungrammatical answers ("In addition to tax purposes, you may need to keep records for getting a loan"). IRS Publication 552 also deals with specific situations that may come up in the life of you, the taxpayer. For instance, if you are in the second-hand soul business, and somebody happens to steal your inventory, here is vital information about what records you need in order to file a tax write-off on those souls: Casualty and Theft Losses of Souls Before filing a deduction, you must complete form 666-EZ, indicating the amount you paid for each soul. (For intangible payments like "fame" and "power," provide a fair market estimate by checking comparables on eBay; the fair market value of "love" will be determined by whatever the women are willing to sell themselves for on the current version of "The Bachelor.") To support your claim for a casualty loss, your records should show the type of mishap that destroyed the soul or souls (e.g., "water damage.") For a theft loss, your records should show: When you discovered your property was missing; That your property was stolen, and That you were the owner of the property. Hint: keep a journal, making note of all the information you will need to file your IRS claim. You know, something like, "Dear Diary, On June 2, 1975, I asked the satanic intern, John Travolta, to check on the souls that I keep in a sno-globe stored in a pit of hell. He said he couldn’t find the sno-globe, as it had been stolen. Probably by blasphemers. Those souls were my property that I purchased in a flashback. Before I could get them back, they all melted, so they were a complete loss. Well, the William Shatner soul had already been depreciated to worthlessness by those Priceline commercials, but the rest were pretty valuable. I must remember to claim a loss on this year’s income tax return, which I fully intend to file in January. Because, as we all know, it’s intending to pay taxes that paves hell’s roads." And what else did this movie teach us? Principally, that while the Church of Satan is just a couple of weird guys and some eyeless people who meet Wednesday nights in the old Presbyterian chapel, they do have a cool gift shop where you can buy Hello Kitty ceremonial robes and Tupperware soul containers ("locks in damnedness"). We actually went to their web store (www.Satanshop.com), and admired their gargoyle planter, Baphomet Styrofoam beverage cooler (very useful for keeping your Coke cold . . .in HELL!), and satanic car accessories (because if the devil really does look like a Dodge logo, it only makes sense to put one on your truck). But we didn’t dare order, for fear of getting on Lucifer’s mailing list—and we didn’t want to go through that again, after having to file a cease-and-desist order to get him to stop sending us all those AOL disks.  And what can we learn from the three movies we studied in this chapter? Well, that Satan is alive and well and living in the multiplex. We earnestly hope that this attempt to justify God’s ways to Man has inspired you to take a good look at your life and to repent of your sins. For we believe Sartre was right—Hell is other people, most of them method actors. So, unless you want to spend eternity with Ernest Borgnine and Michael York in an unquenchable dinner theater production of "Man of La Mancha," we urge you to shape up before it’s too late. 4:07:22 AM     comment [] trackback []

© Copyright 2005 World O' Crap. Last update: 6/1/2005; 5:49:53 AM. This theme is based on the SoundWaves (blue) Manila theme.