Sunday, May 15, 2005

'Revelations' Update   Episode 5.  Bill Pullman's geeky assistant goes to Saint Terri convent to fax Bill some of the lightening girl's scribbles.  While he's there, a Satanic SWAT team breaks through the gates, kills the guards, and heads to the basement to get the girl.  Mother Superior gives the girl a lethal injection, to spare her from being used as a ritual sacrifice.  The Satanists kill the geek (aw!), as the girl dies, Mother Superior sees her walking to heaven, hand in hand with Bill Pullman's daughter.  The lessons so far:  (a) mercy killing the brain-dead is okay if you're a nun; (b) you can can only be admitted to heaven if you have a buddy to accompany you;  (c) only geeks and angelic-looking blonde girls die young; and (d) there are all kinds of jobs available in the field of satanism, from super model to SWAT team member. Anyway, back in the Damien-finding part of our story, Bill and Sister Jo are in Prague, where one of those shady dealers in Satanic books whom we met in The Ninth Gate offers to sell them a tome entitled The Birth of the Antichrist: What To Expect While You're Expecting Satan's Love Child.  It was written by some blind exorcist in a dungeon, so it has to be authentic.  The dealer tells them that the book will reveal the date and place of the antichrist's birth, and since that's where the devil worshippers will be sacrificing Bill's stepson Hawk, Bill hopes the book will help him rescue the boy.  Or at least make entertaining airport reading. Sister Jo gets the money for the book from that Domino's Pizza guy, and then Bill, Sister Jo, and the book dealer go to a crypt which has been turned into a library (it doesn't need a librarian to shush the patrons, because it's as quiet as the grave).  Inside, our Satan Busters find seven scrolls, a block of wood, and a booby trap that fills the crypt with gas.  Bill and Sister Jo risk their lives to pry loose a box that they think contains the antichrist book, but it turns out that it only holds a gruesome decapitated head (see our piece on the Bone Church of Kutna Hora for more Czech decorating tips).  They get out just as the crypt explodes, the place apparently having been rigged by the bad guys from the Lethal Weapon movies as an act of revenge on religion for having taken Mel Gibson away from action flicks.   The rescued scrolls contain some really cool data, such as a DaVinci-style drawing of a man without a heart.  The guy from the Ninth Gate says that it's an "oyuduh," a demonic creatures, which, although it looks human, is actually a lizardoid (so David Icke was right)!  This revelation explains how Haden, the head Satanist, was able to regenerate his finger -- and it also means that he is the Beast, as mentioned by John of Patmos (if Haden's inmate number was 666, it would clinch things).  The scroll also tells about twin demonesses who can change into animals, and who will help with the birth of the Antichrist (and this explains the twin Satanic Super Models, and why they turned into cats last week). Despite all this great material proving the superiority of the red states over the blue states, Bill is really sad that they never found The Birth of the Antichrist.  He and Sister Jo have a discussion about faith and stuff, while they look at cathedrals and listen to "Ave Verum Corpus" two or three times. But then Bill has his own revelation: he deduces that the block of wood he saved from the crypt is actually a slide puzzle.  He calls up professor John Rhys-Davies to ask him for math tips on how to solve such a puzzle.  This makes us wonder how Bill's character ever became a top astrophysicist -- you'd think he'd have to know math to qualify for the job.  Plus, just how hard is it to solve one of these puzzles? Anyway, our sleuth finds the answer to solving the puzzle in the brain-dead girl's scribblings, and it turns out that the block of wood is actually a box (who'd a thunk it?) containing not only the book they were searching for, but also a RonCo steak knife guaranteed to kill reptilian Satanists without ever needing sharpening. Meanwhile, Haden (the Beast) leads a prison uprising, kills a bunch of guards, and escapes.  He then goes on TV to announce that he's started the army of Magog, and he invites all convicts to break out of jail and help him form the largest army on earth. Don Rumsfeld is really jealous.  Meanwhile, Virgin Mary II gets rescued from her mental institution by a kindly satanic social worker, who takes her to a hospital nursery full of babies -- Mary II has to pick out baby Jesus II from among the Satanic imposters, or she gets kicked off the show. And Fred Durst is training Hawk to be sacrificial victim (you wouldn't think the job required many skills, but apparently it does).  His last lesson is to walk into a fire.  When the episode ends, it doesn't look it's going too well for the young dummy ...  Next week: it's the last episode of the series, so either Bill and Sister Jo prevent the birth of the antichrist (presumably through abortion) and save the world; or they don't, and we all die.  What a cliff hanger! 3:44:53 AM     comment [] trackback [] Sunday Cinema   Today's selection is also taken from the Subliminal Cinema chapter we read from last week, "SATAN: A CAREER RETROSPECTIVE."  The movie we will examine is Omen 3, which features characters created by David Seltzer, the writer and executive producer of "Revelations," thus proving that history is cyclical, or that antiChrists are always in fashion, or something.  Our film shows what will happen to the Satanic baby in "Revelations" if Bill and Sister Jo don't prevent his birth -- he will grow up, become a rich capitalist, get a political appointmen, and oppress people.  But you will be relieved to know that he will eventually be killed by those magic steak knives Bill Pullman found, proving that not even Republicans are immortal. Anyway, enjoy our film, which is brought to you by Scott C.   The Final Conflict: Omen III (1981) Directed by: Graham Baker Written by: Andrew Birkin and David Seltzer (characters) As a scary-looking machine drills a tunnel beneath Chicago, a worker discovers a dirt clod transfixed by a dagger. He withdraws the blade, and is rightwise declared King of England, or Employee of the Month, or something. A swing choir invades Sotheby’s, and sings upbeat selections from the Satan Big Note Songbook during a cutlery auction. A bald guy delivers a complete set of steak knives to a monastery in Italy, where the utensils are French-kissed by a Friar. Suddenly, we cut to a Bell Laboratories instructional film on the Ice Age. Damien, spawn of the devil, sits in a private screening room, where he bitterly critiques the Ice Age footage because it will not advance his campaign for world domination, and because it reminds him of rainy days in the junior high Cafetorium, and the smell of Tater Tots and Sloppy Joes. Back in his office, Damien predicts the Second Coming, and attempts to conceal his total ignorance of scripture by quoting at length from a previously unknown chapter of the Bible, "the Book of S&H Green Stamps." In London, the United States Ambassador is uneasy, convinced that he’s being followed through Hyde Park by a dwarf with a Handycam. Panicking, he turns the wrong corner and comes face-to-face with a vicious rottweiler. The demon dog hypnotizes the ambassador, promising to help him quit smoking, but instead compels him to commit suicide in a ridiculously baroque manner, involving guns and doorknobs and typewriter ribbons, and the unexpected arrival of Up With People. Back in Washington, the guy who did the voiceovers for those Smuckers jam commercials has been elected President of the United States for some reason, and he appoints Damien ambassador to Great Britain, and president of the Young Republicans for Satan. Meanwhile, somewhere in England, two astronomers discover an amazing—even biblical—convergence of three celestial bodies, which is pretty impressive considering they were just playing "Asteroids." Back at the Italian monastery, the monks distribute the steak knives, the only weapon on Earth that can kill the Anti-Christ, and vow to hunt him down. In Britain, Damien is a huge success as Ambassador to the Court of St. James, and earns kudos from the entire diplomatic community for not killing himself. Determined to win over the press, he seduces a BBC newswoman by giving her son a slavering hell-beast and some valuable tips on how to achieve the Dry Look. The monks begin their holy quest, but as hunters, they turn out to be slightly less effective than Elmer Fudd. ("Be vewwy quiet…I’m hunting Anti-Chwists!"). They track Damien to a television studio, but the assassination goes awry when the killer-monk accidentally sets himself on fire and winds up dangling upside down by one ankle, swinging wildly around the room like a wrecking ball as he knocks over various pieces of the set. Damien immediately deduces that something is amiss. Either a band of incompetent, Ginsu-wielding monks are attempting to assassinate him, or else the Cirque du Soleil auditions were an abysmal failure. Damien goes into his Secret Fort to play with his My Size Jesus, but gets into one of those my-Dad-can-beat-up-your-Dad arguments, and then he cuts his hand on the crown of thorns and has to go in early. Meanwhile, the three stars noticed by the video game-playing astronomers have aligned over London, signaling that England—so often snubbed by the International Olympic Committee--has won the competition to host the Second Coming. With Christ now returned to Earth and time of the essence, the monks make another attempt on Damien’s life, this time by accidentally stabbing one of their own, then locking themselves in a tomb and dying of starvation. To thwart the Second Coming, Damien decrees the death of every male infant born on the day of the harmonic convergence. But first, he goes fox hunting, giving the monks yet another chance to assassinate him. They fail, but do succeed in assassinating the fox. Rallying, a monk on horseback pulls his dagger and charges Damien, but almost immediately falls off the horse, and then off a bridge. The remaining assassin is torn apart by Springer spaniels. In a cave somewhere, the Antichrist conducts an Anthony Robbins-style seminar for a covenful of Satanists, and charges his pale, doughy disciples with the task of slaying "the Nazarene." But first, he makes them walk on hot coals and buy his complete set of self-motivation tapes. The surviving monk pays a visit to the BBC newswoman. He reveals that Damien bears the devil’s mark on the back of his head, which is concealed by the Anti-Christ’s cunning use of a volumizing shampoo. Through a process of elimination, Damien deduces that the Christ child was born to his own private secretary. Irritated that it’s always in the last place you look, Damien orders the disciple to slay his infant son. But the man refuses, defying his demonic master because Damien didn’t get him anything for Secretary’s Day. Meanwhile, the newswoman gets into a battle of wills with Damien over her son, whose Dry Look is now preternatural. In exchange for sole custody, she offers to lead Damien to the Christ child, who is sheltering in a cathedral. Damien starts searching the nave for a baby. Fed up with the whole thing, the newswoman stabs him in the back with the sanctified Ginsu, producing a terrifying shriek as the wound releases Damien’s inner James Brown. There’s a prolonged bit of shaking, jittering, and scenery-chewing, followed by the sad but inevitable death of the Hardest-Working Anti-Christ in show business. ********** So, The Final Conflict: a film about American diplomacy in action! Like The Omega Code, this movie is loosely based on the book of Revelation, as well as other Christian eschatology about Antichrists and hair-care products. It also is a lesson about the importance of reading the Bible, especially if you’re mentioned in it. See, the Bible (specifically Acts 1:11, as the movie thoughtfully points out), states that Christ will return the same way he left: not by rebirth, but through special effects. But Damien spends all his time looking for a baby in a manger; so, it’s pretty obvious that Our Little Antichrist never bothered to read the Good Book--which is like Hitler having a copy of the plans for the Normandy Invasion, but never getting around to looking at them because he was too busy watching She’s the Sheriff. Clearly, Damien got into college on the strength of his family name, and not his SATs. Learn from his mistakes. What else does this movie teach us? To start with, the importance of having a really good set of cutlery. The monks in our film utilized the Seven Sacred Knives of Megiddo, a set of holy shish kabob skewers that Gregory Peck picked up in the first movie, just in case he ever needed to kill an antichrist. As we learned in that film, you must make a cross formation with the seven daggers in order to kill the son of Satan. However, this was too difficult for the average warrior monk (they really seem to have gone downhill since the days of Kung Fu), so the rules were modified so that you only had to stab Damien with one of the knives in order to defeat ultimate evil and win the game. And these knives are so easy to use that even a TV Weather Girl can kill demonic beings with them! How much would you pay for knives that can cut through a tin can, slice tomatoes paper-thin, and also dispatch the spawn of hell? Don’t answer yet, because these knives are authentic Megiddo® blades, made by the same people who brought you Megiddo: The Omega Code 2. Yes, Michael York is back, and this time Armageddon is personal! It seems Michael only became The Beast because his brother stole his girlfriend, and Satan promised to help him get her back and get to second base with her. Which makes us wonder: just what would the Mark of the Breast be? Oh, and here’s part of the "They Call Me Trinity Broadcasting" description of the film: "From the rise of the Antichrist and false prophet, to his seizure of world power, to that last great confrontation between good and evil—God and satan — MEGIDDO, the movie, will keep you on the edge of your seat! The end will leave you breathless as satan." Which makes us wonder: just how breathless does Satan leave Paul and Jan Crouch? Anyway, buy good knives. But now, let’s take a moment and review the way Hollywood depicts Ultimate Evil, shall we? In Satan's Cheerleaders (1977), we meet Lucifer when he was just starting out, a hungry young go-getter with a business plan that involved middle-aged has-beens and really small breasts. But as the "Me Decade" melted into the Greed-is-Good 80s, Satan’s ambitions would grow larger (and so would the breasts). In 1981's The Final Conflict: Omen III, Lucifer has become a Yuppie, using junk bonds and infanticide to engineer a hostile takeover of the cosmos. But the time we get to 1999's End of Days, Satan is a middle-aged burnout who just wants to score with a hot young chick. Therefore, according to Hollywood theology, it won’t be an army of sword-wielding archangels that finally defeat the Arch-Fiend. It’ll be male menopause. 1:36:24 AM     comment [] trackback []

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