Sunday, May 22, 2005

The Revised Revised Version of the Declaration of Independence   You people did great work on that chain email that Glenstonecottage sent along for corrections and/or additions -- seriously, you are the smartest, funniest blog readers in the world! Glenstone (who is pretty smart and funny himself), took some of your material, added some stuff of his own, and came up with this verison of the piece, which he sent along to the people on the email list.  I can hardly wait for it to be disseminated throughout the world via email (and hopefully taken seriously and attributed to a noted Christian conservative, such as Bill Frist): ARTICLE I: You want a Cadillac, Welfare Queen? You do not have the right to nice things because you're poor and therefore lazy. What's the matter, too good to work three jobs? Then you'd damn well better have money, and the best way to do that is by either having rich parents or the kind of family connections that will get you into Yale and Harvard Business School and allow you to become CEO of a Texas oil company.     ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to not be offended. Unless you're a conservative Evangelical, of course. Then of course you have every right to be offended if some atheist bastard should wish you "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas".   ARTICLE III: If your stupid two-year-old swallows some little toy part and chokes to death, don't expect to sue the manufacturer for not having warned you, because you and your kid are both losers who need to learn to be more friggin' careful.   What, does that sound cruel to you? Well, I've got news for you - the days of corporate America mollycoddling you whiners are through! No more frivolous lawsuits! It's tort reform, baby!   ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to food and shelter. What, you say your kids are hungry? You say they're cold? Well, tough teabags, sister. You should have thought twice before you decided to get knocked up two years before a recession.   ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. Why, you ask? Well, we can't afford it. Granted, every other industrialized nation on the planet has some form of universal health care, including some with lower proportional GDPs, but... well, don't tell anybody I said this but speaking confidentially just between the two of us: do we really want to increase the n****r population even more?   ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to harm anyone. However, we have the right to watch you get executed. Fry, you bastard, fry!   ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to happiness. In case you haven't figured it out by now, I'm a hard-right libertarian. What that means is that if somebody paid me fifty bucks, I'd knock you down and kick you in the groin until you pass out screaming in pain. You think I give a damn about your happiness? Get a clue, moron!   ARTICLE VIII: You do not have a right to a job, you communist bastard. What's that? You say that you can't be at fault for an economic downturn? You say that your company fired you and 10,000 other workers so that they could outsource the jobs to China, where they can get away with paying their new workers slave wages? Boo hoo, we're so sorry for you. Here's a quarter; call somebody who cares.   ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to other people's property. The wealthy get that right, but I'm afraid you're not significant enough to deserve it. Now go pay your taxes like a good little boy.   ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to your own language. We're allowing you to live here as a favor, you ingrates. We speaks English here, not Mexicanese. And while we're at it, why don't you abandon the rest of your culture? Let's start with your religious beliefs. From now on, you're a Christian. Excuse me? Did I say Catholic? Because I don't remember saying Catholic.   While you're at it, why not try speaking English in your own countries? Are you speaking English right now? Why not? Don't make us invade, you useless foreigners!   ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to point our hypocrisies, such as parading our Christianity while ignoring the Golden Rule and Jesus' teachings about the camel and the eye of the needle.   If God really gave a s*** about you, you'd be rich, now wouldn't you, loser?And that reminds me: you do not have the right to ever tell rich people they are wrong. If they were wrong, they wouldn't be rich, now would they?   ARTICLE XII: You know what? I'll just make it plain: everyone who's not a Republican sucks. Get a job, you slackers! I have a feeling that a lot of people won't recognize that this is satrire, and will forward it to their friends.  Maybe someday you can tell your children that you were part of the creation of a new urban legend! Anyway, thanks again to everyone for your help with this, and to Glenstone for the idea, the raw material, and for compiling the revised product.  We hope he'll share any amusing or indignant replies he happens to receive.  1:57:18 PM     comment [] trackback []   'Revelations': The Final Chapter.  Or Is It?   As our story begins, Bill Pullman and Sister Jo are trying to figure out the date and place of the birth of the Antichrist by studying the drawings on the slide puzzle they found last week.  Fortunately, John Rhys-Davies and his Science 101 class are there to do all the heavy lifting.  John tells Bill that the drawing of a bunch of ellipses represents the eclipse of Saturn's rogue moon, which takes place every 10,000 years -- and which, conveniently enough, will be occurring next Wednesday.  The drawing of the dove with an arrow through it represents a Middle East peace conference, which will also be taking place next Wednesday.  The "Street of Sapphires" clue turns out to refer to the time that Sister Jo was on vacation and saw moonlight reflected off the Sea of Galilee near the city of Tiberias -- which is where the peace conference will be held.  So, taken all together, these clues means that Middle East peace conferences cause Antichrists. Meanwhile, a priest tells Virgin Mary II that the nice social worker who is taking her around town to look at babies is actually a Satanist out to capture Baby Jesus II.  He suggests that she should identify some random orphan as her kid, so he can be killed instead of the real Christ child.  (Hey, orphans are expendable.) Over in Tiberius Tiberias [thanks to Bartholomew, who actually knows about this kind of stuff, for the correction], Satan's Supermodels stalk the city, sometimes as cats, and sometimes as women in burkas.  Hawk, Bill's step-son, is also dressed in a burka (he looks a lot like those photos of a similarly clad Elizabeth Smart).  Bill spots him, and chases him around the city to kill time. Towards evening, the Satanists start gathering in an old church, preparing for the birth of the new Damien.  Several of the worshippers are little blond kids in hooded white robes (they are either The Littlest Satanists, or Jim Henson's Klu Klux Klan Babies).  A goat is led into the chapel, and tied on an altar. That night, Bill and Sister Jo monitor the moonlight on the sea.  Finally they see "the Street of Sapphires": a path of light that points to the building where the unblessed event is taking place.  Just then, Hawk appears out of nowhere, and Bill chases after him, despite Sister Jo's warning that this is a trick.  They end up down in a dungeon, where Hawk takes off his hood to reveal that he has no face, and so isn't actually Hawk, but merely an incredible demonic simulation.  Bill is captured by Haden, and locked in a cell.    As you may recall, Haden, the head Satanist, is a reptilian demon creature who can only be killed by the Magic Steak Knife of Doom that Bill found in a box of Cap'n Crunch last week.  And it just so happens that Bill has that knife with him, and he pulls it out and kinda scratches Haden with it.  The knife gets knocked out of the cell in the struggle, and Hawk picks it up (apparently he's hanging out in the dungeon instead of being sacrificed in the chapel to usher in the birth of the Antichrist because, um. well ... just because). Haden orders Hawk to use the knife to kill Bill.  But since that phrase is copyrighted, Hawk stabs Haden instead. (Now, who could have seen that coming?) At midnight, the peace conference is bombed (no peace for you!), setting the stage for the birth of the Antichrist.  It turns out that the goat isn't a sacrifice, but little Damien's mother (and no, Neal Horsely isn't his father).  While the goat mother dies in childbirth, the hellspawn is fine.  (Per the birth announcement, he was born May 25th at midnight, weighed 8 pounds, 2 ounces, and is registered at www.Satanshop.com and Target.) But Haden isn't dead, so Bill chases him in order to finish him off.  When they reach an old bridge, Haden quips, "See you at Easter! Or the next series, if the show is picked up for the fall season!" and he plunges into the sea, to be swept away but not conclusively die, like any good supervillain who may be needed again someday. So, the Antichrist was born, Haden probably survived, and the world is still doomed -- but at least Bill rescued Hawk.  The score so far: Good -1, Evil - a trillion.  The next day, Bill meets up with Sister Jo.  He hits on her, and hints that they have time for a quickie before they go their separate ways.  She says that her quest isn't over, because she still needs to find Baby Jesus II and forestall the Apocalypse.  She asks Bill to join her.  Bill, having read the trades, knows that the ratings tanked and the series won't be getting picked up for the fall season, so he tells her she'll have to do her Satan fighting without him, because he heard that Independence Day 2 might be in the works. Meanwhile, Baby Jesus II is in a tent, being adored by the neo-Wise Men.  The End. 3:11:07 AM     comment [] trackback []   Sunday Cinema   The Dallas Morning News reports: Before any tickets were taken for Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith, film critics, commentators, advocacy groups and bloggers already had forced the film's debut on another stage – the political one. With a plotline hinged on a democracy transforming into a dictatorship under the threat of war and dialogue nearly identical to President Bush's speech just after the Sept. 11 attacks, some critics say director George Lucas is using the movie to deliver a partisan message. And that partisan message is apparently that George Bush is your father.  (Search your feelings.  You know it to be true.)   The Dallas News reports these parallels between the movie and the current political scene : Anakin Skywalker, just before he becomes galactic villain Darth Vader, tells former mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi, "If you're not with me, you're my enemy." In a speech on the House floor on Sept. 20, 2001, President Bush issued a similar ultimatum. "Every nation, in every region, now has a decision to make," he said. "Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists." Attempting to strengthen security during wartime, Supreme Chancellor Palpatine persuades the galactic Senate to abandon civil liberties and elect him emperor for life. Senator Amidala laments: "So this is how liberty dies – to thunderous applause." After Sept. 11, Mr. Bush pressed Congress to pass the Patriot Act, which critics say treads on civil liberties.  Chancellor Palpatine starts a war to divert attention from his true political motives. While making a case for war, Mr. Bush relied heavily on reports that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction – evidence that has since been largely dismissed. So, is George Bush supposed to be Anakin, the really smart, talented, offspring of a single mother/slave who turns to the dark side of the Force, or is he Chancellor Palpatine, the evil genius who subverts an entire intergalactic government?  Because frankly, I'm not buying either one.  No, my theory is that George is represented by JarJar Binks, the annoying, not-too-bright, linguistically-challenged guy who, through a combination of luck, cronyism, and bad scripting, becomes a key player in momentous events, and an elected official. Here, read this summary of the first film (or the fourth, if you don't buy into revisionism), and see if you don't agree. (It's followed by an exclusive Subliminal Cinema imaginary interview with the director/writer, conducted for our monograph "Coping With Grief: The Five Stages of Bad Sequels.")       Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999) Written and Directed by George Lucas Our story begins with crawling titles that tediously establish the back-story (yes, it's the first movie of the series, and we already have back-story). It seems that the Fu Manchu Grasshopper People from the Federation have blockaded the planet of Nanoo-Nanoo. Jedi Knight Slo-Jinn Fizz (Liam Neeson) and his apprentice Obi-Wan Kenobi (not Alec Guiness) arrive to negotiate with the Grasshopper Viceroy. Obi-Wan feels a great disturbance in the Force, as though millions of voices suddenly cried out at once, and asked for their money back. Future-Emperor Palpitation (Whom-Nobody-Suspects-Of-Being-Evil-Even-Though-They-Are-All-Masters-Of-The-Force) orders the Viceroy to kill the Jedi. Escaping to Nanoo-Nanoo, Slo-Jinn meets local irritant Jar-Jar Binks, who looks like a malnourished moose and talks like a Jamaican bobsledder who sustained a crippling brain injury at Innsbruck. Meanwhile, the Federation forces have captured Amidala, the 16-year-old elected queen of Nanoo-Nanoo. Yes, we know—you never voted for her. But since being queen involves wearing Kabuki makeup and using a voice synthesizer, there probably wasn't a lot of competition for the job. (Do you think she dons this ornate headdress and ceremonial costume to inspire awe in her subjects, or is she just a typical rebellious teen, wearing these crazy fashions because it really bugs her mom?) Slo-Jinn and company rescue Amidala and head off for planet ChorusGirl. The Fu Manchu people blast our heroes’ ship, but everyone is saved by a plucky trashcan that manages to insert the correct cable in the VCR’s "out" terminal. And that brave little dumpster was named … R2D2. Now you know . . .the REST of the story. The good guys land on Planet Tattooing to make repairs. Slo-Jinn and his posse are heading to town to buy new spark plugs when royal handmaiden Padme informs them that the Queen ordered them to take Padme along because the Queen. . I mean Padme . . . wants to hang out at the mall. At the garage, they learn that the only vendor who stocks the right brand of spark plugs is Watto, a giant house fly with some sort of accent which members of all ethnic groups find offensive. Watto’s slave, an angelic tyke who can see CGI people ("They’re everywhere!") just happens to be young Anacin Skywalker! Yes, we get to meet Darth Vadar when he was just a 6-year-old Jiffy Lube attendant. I suppose it's true that great oaks from little saplings grow, but you'd think that they might have found one who was a little less wooden to play this role. Young Ani immediately gets the hots for Padme, and tries to seduce her with lines like, "I'm a pilot, you know." While getting a crush on the babysitter is common enough, you’d think Lucas would be over that fantasy by now. Anyway, Ani invites Padme and company to his house, where he shows them the robot he's building—a robot called C3PO. (Yes, Darth Vadar built C3PO, but apparently nobody thought to mention it in the previous three movies.) Ani informs his guests that C3PO is a protocol droid he's constructing to help his mother, the slave. After all, while most slaves in the Old South dreaded a brutal whipping at the hands of the overseer, their biggest fear was making a faux pas at the embassy banquet. When Mama Skywalker confides that little Anacin is the result of a virgin birth (yeah, nobody’s mom ever has sex), Slo-Jinn has Ani’s blood tested, and sure enough, his "midichlorian" count is off the chart! "Midichlorians," as we all learned in Biology 101, are microscopic symbionts present in the cells of all living creatures, which reveal to us the will of the Force. Aren’t you glad Lucas explained this, so you could appreciate the true grandeur of his belief system? (In the next film, we will see Queen Amidala's own Force powers increase dramatically, since midichlorians are sexually transmitted.) Meanwhile, Future-Emperor Palpitation sends his apprentice, Darth Maul (a highly skilled assassin with a weakness for the face-painting booth at the Lions Club fish fry) to kill Slo-Jinn and Obi-Wan. Palpitation and Maul represent the Synth Lords, who have vowed to destroy the Republic with German techno-pop. Anacin volunteers to pilot his home-built pod racer in an upcoming event in order to raise money for the spark plugs. Pod Racing involves blasting through Zion National Park in a highly polluting hotrod, while drunken, disgruntled fans look up from their 32-ounce beers long enough to take pot shots at you. So basically, it’s NASCAR. Anacin wins the race, and Slo-Jinn wins Ani in a side bet. He tells Mom that he’s taking Ani to teach him the ways of the Jedi. She has his room rented before he’s out the door. After a brief run-in with Darth Maul, we arrive at planet ChorusGirl, home of the Republican Senate and the worst traffic since 5:30 PM on the Beltway. Queen Amidala wears a hat made of whole ox horns in honor of her appearance before this august assembly. But still no one will help her, so she and the Jedi head for Nanoo-Nanoo, where she seeks an audience with the ruler of the Dungans, a giant toad. When he asks her who she thinks she is, a skinny white girl like her wearing too much blush, she announces that she is Queen Amidala of the Nanoo-Nanoo. Then Padme jumps up and says that SHE is Queen Amidala of the Nanoo-Nanoo. It’s like an extraterrestrial version of "To Tell the Truth." Anyway, one of the queens asks the Dungans to serve as cannon fodder and the King agrees, because he finds his people really annoying too, and hopes they’ll get wiped out. The Dungans fight the HobbyHorse Droid troops (which look like something you’d buy at Ikea and assemble yourself) by throwing water balloons at them. This works pretty well, but still you worry about the Dungans, fighting such an overwhelming army—until you realize that everybody on screen is a computer generated image, and you just don’t care any more. Slo-Jinn, Obi-Wan, the Queen, some other girl who might also be the Queen ("a long time ago, in a Parent Trap far, far away . . ."), and about four other people mount an attack on the castle. Since they couldn’t get a babysitter, they bring Anacin along too. Slo-Jinn makes him hide in a fighter ship, because what safer place could there be for a 6-year-old? Slo-Jinn and Darth Maul have a light saber duel, while the Force Tabernacle Choir hums inspiring chords in the background. Since Maul’s saber lights up on both sides, he seems to have the advantage. This is confirmed when Jedi Master Slo-Jinn gets brutally kebobed. Meanwhile, Anacin flies into space, gets through the Robot Control Satellite’s impenetrable shield and blows it up from inside! And he accomplishes all this by accident! See, what you or I have always called "dumb luck" is really THE FORCE! Back at the battle, all the robot troops immediately cease functioning (which is often the case when you buy stuff at Ikea). Later, Obi-Wan tells Yoda that he wants to make Anacin his apprentice. Yoda, who is cheesed because Jar-Jar is infringing on his "irritating Muppet speech" franchise, tells Obi-Wan that there is grave danger is training the boy ... but hey, don’t let that stop you. Then there’s a big celebration, with a parade and confetti and stuff, and the Queen presents the Dungan Toad King with a glowing Hippety-Hop. To be continued . . . in a couple of years, when Anacin grows in ways of the Force, and into big-kids underwear. *************** Stage of grief: Depression. And if you haven’t reached this stage before the movie begins, you can pretty much count on Jar-Jar to expedite the process. In fact, the rot of despair runs so deep through The Phantom Menace that the filmmakers can’t even be bothered to hire real actors half the time, and allow long stretches of their film to be hijacked by the Super Mario Brothers. And by the way, is it just us, or does The Phantom Menace sound like a film about a little troublemaker with red overalls and a cowlick who dies during a misfired prank, and comes back as a poltergeist to harass his neighbor, Mr. Wilson? You may wonder how to identify those who are suffering from this stage of grief. One major symptom of depression is apathy, which is evident from that fact that Lucas doesn’t seem to care enough to come up with even mildly convincing reasons for anything that happens. For instance: How did the good guys win? Um, Anakin accidentally destroyed the bad guys’ satellite or something—whatever. How come Anakin can do all this incredible stuff when he’s only a second-grader? Well, he has lots of…um, hypochondriac cells in his blood. Yeah, that’s it. And why does Naboo have an "elected queen"? And what kinds of idiots elect a goofy 16-year old wearing too much eye makeup as their ruler if they have a choice? How the hell should I know! Just leave me alone! You think it was my idea to make this stupid sequel? I am so tired, so tired. You know, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away this might have meant something, but not anymore. My life is a lie. Yes, Jar-Jar does represent my self-loathing and my need to punish myself. Now will you please go away? ***************   We'll leave Mr. Lucas to get some rest and take his medication.  But next week we'll examine the film Attack of the Clones, and discuss how Lucas used it deliver a partisan message about vacant young lovers romping through fields of flowers. 1:47:51 AM     comment [] trackback []

© Copyright 2005 World O' Crap. Last update: 10/14/2005; 1:12:20 AM. This theme is based on the SoundWaves (blue) Manila theme.