Townhall Review
Today's theme is "The Supreme Court is Going to Take Your House, Your Wife, and Your Dog, and Sell Them to Wal-Mar, just to piss you offt." But there is a limit to the number of times you can read that message without finding it tedious. (For me, it was two: John Stossel's Your house could be a parking lot and Walter E. Williams' Confiscating property were enough to make me tire of the whole issue -- and having Ben Shapiro spout off again about how he knows more judicial review than the Justices pushed me way past my tolerance level.)
So, let's look at some of the columns which deal with other topics:
1.The Office of Campus Car Alarms by Dr. Mike S. Adams. Ph.Dick
Dr. Mike suggests that we call diversity experts "car alarms" from now on, because he's sick of hearing such people say that he's a racist after he makes innocent remarks about towel-heads.
And, of course, the car alarms went crazy when I recently suggested that all people should be required to wear a towel on their head when they arrive at any U.S. airport. I thought of the plan after I noticed a lot of white senior citizens with “I love my grandkids” t-shirts getting searched. But I’ve never seen a Muslim with a towel wrap get the same treatment. My plan of making everyone wear a towel would force airport security personnel to start searching people with towels on their heads or stop the searches altogether.
The car alarms didn’t like that idea much either. But it’s not racism. I’m just trying to extend equal protection of the law to the airports.
Thank heavens we have a Ph.D. in criminology to inform us that (a) Lots of old, white people get searched at airports each and every day; (b) no Muslims ever get searched; (c) Muslims wear towels on their heads; (d) the old, white people are being searched for merely arriving at airports (presumably to meet those pigtailed girls that Ann Coulter told us were being tortured there); (e) Terrorists are never either old nor white; (f) All terrorists are Muslims (who are neither old nor white), and when they blow up airplanes, they wear towels on their heads; (g) The law should protect old white people from being searched at airports; and (h) even though a columnist uses racial stereotypes and spews racist nonsense, he isn't a racist if he says that he isn't.
2. Namby-pamby nation by Michelle Malkin
Michelle complains that even though terrorists flew airplanes into our buildings, schools are "quietly grooming a generation of pushovers" who will give in to al Qaeda -- all because they were taught that they needn't punch out everybody who annoys them.
At a time of war, when young Americans should be educated about this nation's resilience and steely resolve, educators are indoctrinating students with saccharine-sticky lessons on "non-violent conflict resolution" and "promoting constructive dialogues."
Yes, at a time of war, kids should be taught to shoot anyone who calls them names. For it's from juvie prisons that our next generation of soldiers (for the generational conflict in Iraq) will come.
The latest example of Hand-Holding 101 comes from the New York City public schools. According to Lauren Collins of The New Yorker magazine, the school system is introducing a new curriculum called "Operation Respect: Don't Laugh at Me" into all of its elementary and middle schools. The program is now used in at least 12,000 schools and camps across the country.
Ostensibly, the program helps kids deal with petty meanness and name-calling from insensitive classmates. Not by instructing them in self-defense, mind you, but by inflating their self-esteem.
Michelle is right: kids should be taught self-defense techniques such as boxing, judo, and sharp shooting in order to deal with petty meanness and name-calling.
Teaching students to respect one another is all well and good. But a closer look at the program's founder and its sponsors shows that beneath all the fuzzy-wuzzy, touchy-feely jargon is a clear pacifist agenda.
"Operation Respect" was founded by radical lefty Peter Yarrow of the folk group Peter, Paul & Mary -- last seen in April publicly apologizing to Vietnam. During last year's presidential campaign, you may recall that Yarrow traveled and performed with his old friend and anti-war mate John Kerry, who pretended to smoke a joint while Yarrow sang the ostensible children's ditty "Puff the Magic Dragon."
By taking a closer look at the program we learn that it was founded by a folk singer who performed with noted draft dodger John Kerry, so obviously its agenda includes turning our kids Amish, and teaching them to flee to Canada instead of following the brave, patriotic path, and shooting those who diss them
Just what we need to combat throat-slitting, suicide plane-flying Islamists: young eunuchs swaying to moldy old folk music while their "Peace Place" signs flap in the wind.
I imagine that Michelle practices what she preaches, and when her children squabble, she has them fight it out with switchblades and Uzis, in order to prepare them to deal with suicide plane-flying Islamimists.
3. The AMA Should Prefer Hippocratic Oath to Hypocrisy by Jan M. LaRue
Jan (who is not only Chief Counsel and Legal Studies Director for Concerned Women for America, but also a character on SCTV played by John Candy) explains how the AMA shamefully favors legislation mandating that moral pharmacists fill prescriptions for drugs that can kill innocent unborn babies. You know, drugs like the acne medication Accutane, as well as anti-malarials and cancer treatments.
No, wait, the moral pharmacists wouldn't dream of second-guessing a patient and her doctor by refusing to fill those medications. The moral pharmacists are only against drugs like birth control pills, which don't cause miscarriages, but which can keep fertilized eggs from implanting in the uterine lining (like what happens to half of all fertilized eggs naturally).
And actually, the AMA doesn't say even say that the moral pharmacists must dispense these drugs, it just says that they should refer the patient to another pharmacist if they don't want to fill her prescription. But to these moral pharmacists, that's like ordering them to stick a knife through the heart of a sweet, blonde-haired toddler.
The AMA says it supports a pharmacist’s right to refuse to prescribe some drugs, but wants pharmacists to make sure a patient has access to the drugs by making an “immediate referral to an appropriate alternative dispensing pharmacy without interference,” according to the resolution. Many pharmacists say that’s the same as forcing them to fill prescriptions that violate their beliefs.
Because their beliefs say that women shouldn't be having sex without having to get pregnant.
Next time: Jan explains how her husband took a tip from Mr. Crause and sent her a toilet bowl brush covered with roses to let her know that she can scrub the toilet with any type brush she wants. And that's the only kind of freedom of choice that the sexually active women should have.
4. They shoot women, don't they? by Kathleen Parker
Kathleen says that U.S. military is letting women get killed in the Iraq war, and that's just plain wrong -- because women should out of harm's way, so that pharmacists can refuse to fill their prescriptions for birth control pills, and the women can become mothers.
While the women's deaths may not be more tragic than others' deaths - certainly not to those who have buried their sons - we are left wondering why the women were in places where they could be so easily killed.
Yeah, wars are notoriously unsafe.
And if the women's deaths aren't more tragic than others' deaths, why isn't Kathleen writing a column asking why men were in places where they could so easily be killed -- such as the middle of a war.
Having women instead of men search women makes perfectly good sense, but why American women? Why not raise our exquisite sensitivity to the next level and employ Iraqi women to search Iraqi women?
While the deaths of American women aren't necessarily more tragic than the deaths of our young men, the deaths of Iraqi women aren't tragic at all.
The battle for civilization may not be lost in Fallujah or Kabul, after all. When we decide to willingly put our nation's mothers - whether future or of the moment - in harm's way, we may already have lost the war.
Yes, when we betray all that our civilization stands for (such as protecting our delicate, refined, pure women from the unpleasantness of war and other and male stuff, so that they can stay home and have babies) then the terrorists have already won.
5. Better off dead by Jonah Goldberg
Jonah, who may be on drugs or something, advocates killing the Constitution.
Conservatives aren't merely anti-living Constitution - we are pro-dead Constitution. In order for us to live in freedom, the Constitution must die (Faster, Federalist Society! Kill! Kill!).
Conservatives sound kind of, well, deranged, don't they?
We all like to believe that we have some say about what this country will be like for our children and grandchildren.
Actually, I like to believe that my imaginary children and grandchildren should have more say about what their country should be like than I should. You know, it sounds like Jonah is advocating some kind of tyranny by the dead (which is, I suppose, why he wants the Constitution dead).
A "living Constitution" denies us our voice in this regard because it basically holds that whatever decisions we make - including the 13th, 14th, and 15th Amendments - can be thrown out by any five dyspeptic justices on the Supreme Court.
And that's why we should get rid of the Supreme Court, and let law robots programmed with the Constitution and the Bill of Rights make all legal decisions in the future -- because what do laws have to do with the living?
P.S. I guess it really isn't fair to just skip Ben Shapiro's When Justices become dictators just because it's the most annoying of all the Townhall columns on the Kelo V. New London decision. So, here's a quote frrom our little law student:
But, of course, what else should we expect from the court that tells us our Constitution protects pornography but not political advertising, sodomy but not the Ten Commandments, and mentally disabled murderers but not private property?
It's not a good sign that Ben believes that the Court is all screwed if it holds that people, such as murderers with the IQs of children, should get more legal protection than framed pieces of paper.
3:10:08 AM 
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