How to Avoid Being Murdered by Floyd the Barber
Pastor Doug has abandoned his "Complete Idiot's Guide to Being a Loser" to bring us this timely safety advice: How to avoid being murdered by a Dutch hedonist. Yes, if you heed Doug's counsel, you will be safe from those bloodthirsty Dutch Mary Cheneys.
Here's Doug:
The Aruban incident ticks me off on three levels:
The spiritual, emotional, and physical levels, perhaps? But no, it seems that Doug is talking about the Frankenstein level, the Keystone Cop level, and the horn dog level.
1. The total obfuscation coming from the pencil neck geek Aruban teens, from the Frankenstein-like Dutch punk and from his lawless lawyer father. As macabre and irreparably dented as the BTK killer is, at least when he was caught, he came clean. Not so with these palm pilots.
The Aruban brothers wrestled against Fred Blassie? Hmmm, I don't know about that.
But do I think the authorities should check his tip about Joran van der Sloot being a mad scientist who makes monsters from body parts taken from cadavers. That could explain what happened to Natalee: she's been used to create Elsa Lanchester.
Oh, and when the BTK Killer was arrested, the police had DNA evidence, computer evidence, and enough other forensic evidence that they could have convicted him without a confession -- so, he had no reason not to confess. The "palm pilots" (what the heck does that even mean?) were presumably advised by the Dad of Frankenstein that without a body or some really compelling physical evidence, if they kept their mouths shut, they couldn't be convicted of murder. While it would be nice they owned up to their crimes (if they are guilty, of course), their lack of confession doesn't mean that they are somehow less moral than the BTK Killer.
2. The incredibly decrepit Aruban Keystone cops and their banana republic judicial system who have handled this case like MC Hammer handled his finances during the 90’s and . . .
Well, any Keystone Cops would be incredibly decrepit, since they'd have to be pushing 100 by now.
3. The fact that this could have been avoided if . . . if . . . Natalee would have simply run away from with these little horn dogs.
Talk about obfuscation! I assume that what Doug means is that Natalee should have ran away from the pencil neck geeks and Frankenstein. Or maybe he means that she would have been fine if she had run away with them voluntarily. Or perhaps he's saying that if she would have avoided all "little horn dogs," nothing would ever have happened to her. Sure, that would have meant never associating with her male peers, but it probably would have saved her life.
What the heck is a good-looking blonde girl doing leaving her friends at midnight to go off with the Netherlands’ version of Lurch and the local Mango brothers?
Yes, good-looking blonde girls can get all the action they want without ever leaving the hotel.
Oh, and the Mango Brothers are apparently a Jimmy Buffet tribute band -- there is no info about them having added Lurch as a lead singer.
With all due respect to Natalee and her parents, what was she thinking?
She was probably thinking, "I'm American, I'm upper-middle class, I'm on holiday, I'm a teenager, and I'm drunk -- nothing bad can ever happen to me."
She was asking for disaster.
Because statistics show that every girl who goes out with guys she just met will be murdered -- well, if they're foreign, and hedonists, that is. In any case, Natalee's probable murder is pretty much her own fault, because women should know better than to let men kill them.
Of the 157 missing kids in Florida, 120 are girls, i.e. 75% of the kidnapped or murdered victims are little ladies.
Since 75% of 157 is almost 118, I guess Doug is implying that two of the missing boys are "little ladies."
And reportedly, over 500 kids are missing from Florida's Department of Children and Families -- I guess Doug doesn't care about them, since most of them aren't blonde or middle-class.
The reality is, ladies, Happy Days are over and the girls have got to wise up if they want to avoid being duct taped and stuck in the trunk of some loser’s Trans Am.
True, Potsie used to duct tape girls and stick them in the trunk of his car, but he never did this to teens visiting Aruba. So, ladies, you girls have got to wise up!
The answer is not isolation. There really aren’t any Mayberry RFD’s to move to any more, as weird guys seem to be everywhere today.
Is Doug claiming that Howard Sprague and Floyd the Barber aren't weird? Did he never see the film Floyd: Portrait of a Serial Killer? And I bet the back room of Emmett's Fix-Up Shop is just full of duct-taped women.
Therefore, it is up to you, my little chicas bonitas, to become sharper than a bag of wet mice when you party, travel and date.
Can you do that, my little accla tuercas?
Anyway, here's the shorter version of "Doug's Safety Tips for Little Ladies":
1. Pay attention to your intuition.
Don’t blow this in-house salvo off, but rather get well acquainted with your internal ticker; it’ll help you see through the veil of crap most bad guys live behind.
And since most guys are rapists and murderers, you should distrust all of them.
2. Don't let guys put stuff in your drinks.
When out partying, lame guys with hackneyed existences have found ways around getting a life before they get a girl. It is called, as you all know, date rape drugs.
Is that how Doug got a girl? (Because if anybody had a hackneyed existence ...)
And per Doug, if you keep guys from putting "roofies and ecstasy" in your drinks, you can avoid being "French kissed, raped, impregnated, kidnapped, or murdered by these slugs." So, my little chicita bananas, apparently it's drugs that cause pregnancy.
And here's a tip that Doug doesn't provide, one that will do more to help you avoid being a victim of rape or other crimes than all the rest of Doug's tips put together: don't drink to the point of intoxication.
3. Learn to Kill
I’m a big advocate of your learning how to dissemble a man, should the need arise, with your own hands, feet and weapon.
When exactly does the need to disassemble a man ever arise? (Well, maybe when you need to mail him back to the factory for repair, but other than that, wouldn't it be easier and quicker to just disable him or something?)
If I were you, my dear, I would take martial arts, learn how to use a knife, buy a gun and get a concealed weapons permit. I’m talking getting packed, stacked and ready to whack.
Doug isn't me, but I'm pretty sure he is packed, stacked, and ready to whack. Or maybe I mean "dirked, berserk, and ready to jerk." (Or possibly, "shanked, spanked, and ready to wank.") Hey, let's see what you and your rhyming dictionary can come up with -- it has to better than Doug's work.
3:32:01 AM 
|
