Townhall Review
Our selected columnists are super wingnutty today, probably because they destroyed several million brain cells over the July 4th weekend. I couldn't really do them justice, so your comments are invited.
Anyway, with no further ado, here are our Townhallers:
1. John Stossel: Protecting us from sunscreen?
Stossel reuses his previous sunscreen column (which, as Chris V. pointed out, seems to have been "inspired" by a June 9th NY Times column on Mexoryl. However, since this one is for Townhall, he makes it a lot stupider, and basically says that we should overthrow the government because it's forcing us to get wrinkles. Yes, it's time for a revolution, says Stossel, and "Give me Mexoryl, or give me death," seems to be his rallying cry.
Of course, you actually can buy sunscreens which contain Mexoryl; you can get it at the stores mentioned by the NY Times, or online, or at eBay). Sure, it's not legal, but nobody is being prosecuted for buying or selling it. But let's just give Stossel death, since it seems to be the only thing that will shut him up.
Did you damage your skin while you were out celebrating our freedom Monday? You might have been safer if you were freer.
Because how safe can you really be if your skin is aging every time you are out in the sun? And without smooth skin, how free can you be?
The Declaration of Independence makes many charges against King George III, including: "He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither Swarms of Officers to harass our People and eat out their Substance." Our federal government has behaved similarly, expanding its bureaucracy and empowering swarms of officials to harass us.
By aging our skin, for example.
Yes, it's bureaucrats from the federal government that are aging your skin. And it's the CIA's microwave spy satellites that are making you fat, and Homeland Security officials that gave you bad breath and caused your girlfriend to dump you. It's a conspiracy, I tells ya, a conspiracy!!!
Let me explain.
No. We heard it before, cupcake.
Common sense says we should use it Mexoryl.
So, which are you going to trust: common sense or years of testing?
Big government is the problem. The purpose of government is to protect our rights. When other people attack us, we need government for protection.
When threats come from the natural environment, however, the place to look for protection is normally the market. Inventors and investors, eager to make money, offer us a variety of life-improving possibilities every year. But when the government tries to protect us from them, what it really does is force us to face dangers without the protection innovative technology can provide.
Thanks to the federal government, we have to face the danger of sun-induced wrinkles on our own. The horror, the horror!
Nature gives us cold winters and hot summers, so we create clothing and buildings to keep us from getting too cold or too hot. Nature gives us ultraviolet radiation, so we develop shades and sunscreens. In each case, the mind of man produces an invention suited to the challenge -- and, if not stopped, proceeds to invent even better ways to meet the challenge.
But in cases like Mexoryl, our government forbids us to adopt new ways to meet our challenges.
Then here's an idea, Stossel -- try using the old ways, such as a sun hat, or staying inside of those buildings between noon and 4:00 P.M., you twerp.
Comparing the FDA to King George may sound like I'm taking sunscreen too seriously.
No, it sounds like you're off your rocker.
But as the Founders understood, when it comes to government, it's the principle that's important; an unaccountable authority that can force you to accept wrinkles can force you to accept far worse. A few pence on a box of tea wasn't much either.
Folks, the government is FORCING YOU TO ACCEPT WRINKLES!!! Are you going to stand for it, or are you going to overthrow King George and establish a republic where man will be free to buy or sell whatever nostrum or patent medicine he desires? This new nation, conceived in liberty and too much beer, will be based on the truths that every man was endowed by his creator with the right to have soft, young-looking skin, and that government sucks. It will be located in Stossel's back yard. So, wrinkly people of the world unite -- you have nothing to lose but your remaining shreds of sanity and dignity.
2. Pat Buchanan: The judges war: an issue of power
Apparently Pat is still alive, and Townhall pays him to write for them. Yeah, I found it pretty freaky too.
Anyway, Pat's column explains that if President Bush can only "recapture" the Supreme Court for the forces of conservatism, we can live in the Golden Age of the early '50s again. Here are (to my mind) the key passages:
The Brown decision of 1954, desegregating the schools of 17 states and the District of Columbia, awakened the nation to the court's new claim to power.
[Skip paragraphs about school prayer and the death penalty being outlawed, and abortion, sodomy, and Penthouse being constitutionally protected]
If conservatives can recapture the court, social and moral issues can be returned to where they belong: elected legislatures and executives. The Left will lose its power to advance its social agenda and see a rollback of a revolution imposed undemocratically upon America over 50 years.
Yes, if only Bush can replace O'Connor, Rehnquist, and "one other justice, as long as it is not Antonin Scalia or Thomas" with Roy Moore, Ann Coulter, and David Limbaugh, then we can once again force kids to pray in school, outlaw abortion and homosexuals, and go back to segregated schools. Won't that be nice?
To succeed will take perseverance and courage by President Bush. But if he does, he will leave a mark on history. It will be his greatest domestic achievement, for which his country will forever remember him, his friends will praise him and his enemies will be eternally gnashing their teeth. Let's get it on.
You're quoting Marvin Gaye at me? Mr. Buchanan, that could be considered sexual harassment!
But hey, you'd better get started clearing the way for President Bush to be remembered forever. Perhaps you could make sure the current justices (except Scalia and Thomas) don't get sunscreen containing Mexoryl. That way, they'll be exposed to the danger of old-looking skin, and within the next couple of years they will be forced to resign out of shame -- and then Bush can replace them with trusted conservatives, such as James Dobson or Jesse Helms.
3. Rich Lowry: Celebrities gone wild
Rich is really scraping the bottom of the barrel when it comes to column topics lately. Next week, expect him to do a piece about it's not the heat, it's the humidity.
I have been following Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey's marriage closely. Not because I care about the state of that particular union, but because I have little choice.
I think it's time that the FBI did something about all the conservatives being forced to care about celebrities against their will.
At the newsstand where I buy my newspapers, the celebrity magazines are displayed right next to the register, and I can't avoid the blaring headlines about the fortunes of the two reality-TV stars, who occasionally also sing.
That's horrible! I hate it when roving gangs of thugs make respected pundits read the tabloid headlines by holding them at knifepoint.
As an exercise in sociological inquiry, I bought the whole rack of the latest issues.
Um, right. Rich bought them for a "sociological inquiry." And he was forced to do that by, uh, Kathryn JeanLopez, who said she would kill his dog unless he read them all.
They all chronicle the ongoing sagas of Tom & Katie and Brad & Jennifer (scratch that — I mean Angelina) and Paris and Britney and Justin & Cameron and Charlie & Denise. All the people belonging to these first names are famous for something or other. If it used to be an insult to say that a celebrity was "famous for being famous," now it's almost as if no one is famous for anything else.
Rich, no offense, but I really don't care. So, I'm going to skip the remaining five paragraphs in which you update us on the latest doing of all those stars about whom you were forced to care. (Happily, nobody can force me to care about, or pay attention to, Rich's columns).
These magazines are geared, of course, to women. No one can blame them for picking the magazines up for tips, say, on how to accessorize or diet.
I can blame them. Ladies, do NOT get your diet advice from The Star or US Weekly, okay? (If you don't know why, we can talk about this later.) Oh, and you probably shouldn't get fashion advice from these rags either.
But if you want to read them for celebrity gossip (their raison d'etre) then be my guest. While I don't care about celebrities, I don't care if you do -- I think it's healthier than obsessing about Bill Clinton's sex life, like some people do (we don't want to mention any names, but their initials are RL).
What does it say that so many of us live vicariously through a set of people who generally are weird, shallow, and uninteresting, no matter how many exclamation points you put on the end of it?
Yes, the fans of "The Corner" really are losers, aren't they?
3:46:41 AM 
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