Ultimate Wingnut Challenge: the TownHall Team Talent Show
On today's edition of "Ultimate Wingnut Challenge," we feature the TownHall team (consisting of Dr. Mike Adams, the belligerent academic; VBen Shapiro, the horny law student; Pastor Doug Giles, the manly Dominionist; and Brent Bozell, the red-headed wuss).
Today at least one of them will be leaving Wingnut Island, because "Ultimate Wingnut," like that Carl's Jr. burger with the peppers, is not for babies.
The challenge that each of them must respond to is: whine about how they are a victim ... all while wearing a grass skirt and a bra made from coconut shells.
1. First up is Captain Dr. Mike, whose talent number involves a sequel to his super wingnutty letter to the president of UNC about how it wasn't fair that Dr. Mike got criticized in his performance evaluation for not being a team player, because, after all, he was accused of trying to kill a colleague.
As he begins, notice how skilled he is at victimhood (and at wiggling his hips while wearing the grass skirt):
In December of 2001, I experienced the second most anxiety-evoking event of my professional career. It came in the form of a stern (but friendly) warning from the UNCW police to avoid all contact with another professor in my department. I was advised not to be caught in the same room with this woman because she was, in the opinion of (numerous) school officials, both delusional and potentially dangerous.
While it can be anxiety-producing when the campus police tell you that everybody says that the colleague with whom you're feuding is crazy, the worst is yet to come.
Because the UNCW police (and other administrators) intimated that this professor was suffering from paranoid delusions and was potentially dangerous, I followed their advice and cooperated fully. That included participating in the most anxiety evoking event of my career – a taped interrogation with a sworn police officer at police headquarters.
Yes, Dr. Mike, who has a PhD in criminology, actually had to go to police headquarters and answer questions! Questions from a Sworn Police Officer (the worst kind)! And the interview was taped!!!
The horror, the horror.
And if Dr. Mike hadn't suffered enough from this, "the most anxiety evoking event" of his career, he was further victimized by a Personnel Evaluation of Mass Destruction.
As you may guess, the command to avoid all contact with the professor resulted in more than my resignation from the role of coordinator of the criminal justice program. It has also resulted in numerous absences from department meetings and faculty gatherings since December of 2001. I have also obeyed the police and exited the room every time the delusional faculty member and I have ended up together in the main office of the department. In other words, I have been a good employee and have done all that university officials have asked me to do.
But, now, we have a problem that has put a damper on my cooperative spirit.
This year, in my annual performance evaluation, I have been “written up,” so to speak, by my immediate supervisor. This first negative evaluation that I have received in 12 years at UNCW mentions, among other things, my failure to attend most departmental meetings. I am sure you see why this is a problem, given that the warning to avoid contact with my accuser has never been rescinded.
Yes, Dr. Mike has just been doing what the campus police told him in 2001: "Avoid being in the same room with the other professor, even if dozens of people are present, because she's super crazy, and may try to rip your heart out with her bare hands and eat it. Oh, make it obvious that you are on to her little game by walking out in a snit whenever she shows up." And yet Dr. Mike is the one who is being being punished, since there was a reference to his failure to attend required meetings in his personnel evaluation. Clearly, this is all because the campus is controlled by liberals.
Anyway, you should probably watch the unedited version of Dr. Mike's talent number in order to truly appreciate his skill at whining about victimhood, but since this is only a 60 minute program, we are forced to cut to the ending:
I expect to hear back from you soon. If you do otherwise, you underestimate my resolve.
Mike S. Adams
I think that shows the touch of a master: whining AND threats. The judges (Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell, the guy who played Cousin Oliver on "The Brady Bunch," and me) give Dr. Mike a "10."
2. But on to our next contestant, Brent Bozell, who has been ranked as the weakest member of the TownHall team going in to today's event. He calls his talent number "Bernie Goldberg Gets Even."
I've made up my mind. I don't like Bernie Goldberg. Matter of fact, I hate him.
Wow, Brent is off to a good start! If he can just follow-up with some whining about how Bernie slept with his wife, or how Uncle Bill Buckley always liked Bernie best, he could show Dr. Mike some real competition.
Who does this man think he is? I've spent the better part of two decades exposing the outrages of the liberal media, and during most of that time, Bernie Goldberg was earning a comfortable living in that very industry. Along the way I'd thought about writing a book about media bias, but before I could do that, Goldberg decided there was a problem with bias and decided to write a book about it, and "Bias" shot to the top of the New York Times best seller list. I wanted to dismiss Goldberg's good fortune as just the luck of the Irish, except Bernie Goldberg is Jewish. And to prove his success was no fluke, Goldberg followed up with "Arrogance" -- another Times best seller.
Good, good -- he's whining about having discovered media bias first, and about how it's not fair that Bernie got the best-seller from what was supposed to be Brent's exclusive media analysis shtick (the conservatives gave him it to him as a consolation prize for passing him over for the NR editor spot). And he even managed to bring in the fact that Bernie is a Jew. So far, I'd give his performance a "9." (However, Paula says that he creeps her out, and Simon called him an "untalented, simple-minded, annoying git." Cousin Oliver claims that Brent once tried to sell him crack.)
Now he's done it to me again. Have you ever found yourself ruminating to yourself, about a certain public personality and arriving at a certain pithy observation, thought: "Memo to self: Write that down"? Now, take that process a step further. Collect those thoughts, expand on them a bit, and what could you deliver? If done well, a whale of a summertime beach read. It's a simple formula, so simple anyone could think of it. Except I didn't. And Bernie Goldberg did.
"100 People Who Are Screwing Up America (And Al Franken is No. 37)" is out, and it's a wonderful read for anyone not on that list.
Oooh, and now he segues into a favorable review of Goldberg's stupid book about all the people who annoy him. Not a good move. Especially because Brent manages to convince me think the book is even dumber than I already believed it to be:
Of useless rocker/druggie/convicted felon Courtney Love, Goldberg's entire essay is … "HO."
The judges gave Brent "4" for his talent number. But you people at home are the real judges, so it doesn't really matter what we important, famous, celebrities think. Be sure to call in with your votes for who is the weakest Townhall tool (but wait until the end of the program, because it's possible that somebody will do worse than Brent).
3. Now, here's our third contestant on the TownHall team, strapping, young Ben Shapiro (hey, he can strap with the best of them). His talent number consists of some whining about how the TV forces him to watch programs about transsexuals -- it's a continuation of his long-standing complaint about how porn makes him seek it out on the internet, and how Jenna Jameson forces him to ... um, maybe we should just move on, and let Ben hula his victimhood with How 'reality' shapes reality
This September, the Sundance Channel will air a "groundbreaking" new "reality" show entitled "TransGeneration." The show follows "four unique individuals, two male-to-females and two female-to-males as they struggle to transition from one gender to the other in the midst of a grueling school year."[...]
Sundance execs can't wait to put this gender propaganda out on the air, enhancing tolerance for those who can't decide whether they're boys or girls.
Well, it seems as if the participants have decided what gender they are, but apparently VBen doesn't approve of their decision, and so is appalled that a TV channel would try to enhance tolerance for people who don't live their lives the way VBen thinks they should.
"TransGeneration" provides a textbook example of television executives legitimizing deviancy for all of us in the name of a "live and let live" society where anything goes. As I explain in my new book, "Porn Generation: How Social Liberalism Is Corrupting Our Future," Hollywood's focus on pushing the envelope leads to greater societal tolerance for higher levels of deviancy.
I give Ben a "9" so far. Not only has he subtly plugged his book, he has also intimated that the TV execs are wronging him by showing that transsexuals are people, thus making it harder for Ben to demonize them. Simon, who thinks VBen is dreamy, gives him a "10. So does Paula. And in a shocking development, Cousin Oliver is missing -- we suspect some Arubians, or possibly Brent Bozell's drug cartel, of having him whacked.
And we can't just shrug off all of this deviancy as science fiction -- it's reality! These are real people, in real situations.
Damn those TV execs! Before Ben could comfort himself with the idea that transsexuals (and homosexuals, and cross-dressers, and liberals) were just made-up creatures from sci-fi movies. But now he's supposed to believe that they are real people!
"TransGeneration" may be the latest and most extreme freak show to hit the airwaves, but it shapes social values nonetheless. Despite the fact that, according to Bell, nobody "with a triple-digit IQ is going to think that reality television is real," millions do. As "reality" continues to blur the line between reality and fantasy, it is the "reality" purveyors who will gain more and more influence over our culture.
Yes, VBen is the victim! The Sundance execs are trying to legitimize deviancy, so now when Ben rails against transsexuals for being freaks, HE will look like the bad guy (at least, to the people with the triple-digit IQ scores -- who, while they don't make up his target audience, do include many of his classmates, including that hot blonde girl who laughed at Ben when he invited her to the wienie roast). TV is violating Ben's right to right to, um, live in Victorian times. When transsexuals are featured on premium cable program, why is it always the VBens who suffer?
I give VBen's talent number an over-all "9." And so does Paula Abdul, who did NOT sleep with Ben. Simon, who won't characterize his relationship with Ben, gives him a 10." But again, you are the real judges, and so get to decide who will be leaving us. Will it be Dr. Mike, Brent, VBen, or ....
4. Our last contestant on the TH team, Pastor Doug. For his talent number, he will discuss the lessons we should learn from the London bombing. So, here's Doug with Jihadists-R-Us
Here are several lessons I hope we learn from this last disaster and remember for . . . let’s say . . . the next 400 years.
1. For those of us who have forgotten that we’re in a war on terror, we need a fresh realization that these whack jobs are still around, they’re still insane and they are not going to be a part of our global reindeer game. This is good for those of us who were growing sleepy and passive post-911.
It's great that those Londoners (who weren't even Americans, BTW) died, so that liberals will realize that Bush (and Doug) were right all along, and that the only good militant Muslim is a dead militant Muslim. (How do we tell the militant ones from the regular ones? Presumably, we kill them all, and let God sort them out.).
As much as we’d like to think militant Muslims will just go away, or that we can change them through appeasement, or calm them down via our slick, politically correct verbal gymnastics, the reality is that the only thing that is going to stop militant Muslims is death. We must route out radical Muslims wherever they may be found and by whatever means necessary. It is either us or them. I say let’s make it them . . . on our terms and on their turf. Understand, por favor, that they’re implacable. There is nothing to negotiate with them. Sorry, but that’s reality. Therefore, we must support their deaths on their sod or be prepared for our own on ours. Go, Bush!
"Their sod" being the Middle East, I guess -- even though there isn't much sod there, and even though the London bombers are said to have all been born in England.
2. Hopefully, this will end the Lysol-disinfecting attempts of swabbing the terrorists and their rogue nations by certain sectors of our American press that is (for whatever reason) wedged up the enemies’ backside.
We've been swabbing the terrorists with sectors of our press??? I give Doug a perfect "Swank 10" for his metaphors and incomprehensibility, but where's the whining?
3. Hopefully, Europe will cease its anti-American, “the U.S. is evil” rhetoric and realize that it wasn’t us who just attempted to kill hundreds, if not thousands, of innocent Brits on London’s streets.
Okay, some implied whining about how mean, old Europe doesn't like us, and some good moral relativism about how at least we don't attempt to kill thousands of innocent Brits on London streets. Still, Doug can do better.
4. And lastly, may the London attacks serve us by causing us to up security for our nation, by causing us to preventively squeeze harder potential home grown threats via Homeland Security, by making our borders tighter than Tamilee Webb’s buns of steel, by increasing the flow of intel between our intelligence agencies, by making us determined to spread freedom and democracy to arcane cultures and by realizing this is going to be a long, long war of good vs. evil, and these guys are pure evil.
Yes! Talking about how we need to preventively squeeze hard potential threats, and then comparing our borders to Tamilee Webb's butt -- that's the kind of writing we've come to expect of Doug! (It's marred slightly by the fact that the judges don't know who Tamilee is, but still, we like that metaphor.)
We also like how Doug hopes that the dead Londoners will serve us (zombie servants!), by making us more determined to spread freedom and democracy to the arcane cultures which spawn bombers. I guess we'll be invading England soon, and then we'll head over to Ireland.
However, today's challenge was supposed to involve victimhood, and while he does bring in some dead victims in order to prove that he was right about how those who oppose us are "pure evil," he didn't really comply with the spirit of today's competition, and that will cost him. He gets an overall score of "7" from the judges.
5. But wait, we have a mystery contestant who wants to challenge the others for the right to be included on the TownHall team. He says to just call him JS, and he really, really wants to be included in the game. He has prepared a talent number (and new TownHall column) called Who's really open?, and it's about how he's the biggest victim of all, since some people (all of them liberals) like his wife's ex-boyfriend more than him.
I recently finished a tour for my book, [title deleted to preserve contestant's anonymity]. Weirdly, the same month [title of book and link to where you can buy it online deleted again] came out, my publisher released a book by my wife's ex-boyfriend.
His book was not political, but he is well-liked in the liberal media world. After our books came out, I turned on the radio, and the first thing I heard was Imus gushing about how wonderful my wife's ex-boyfriend was. Even my wife rolled her eyes. My publisher couldn't get me on Imus.
Could that be because Imus was more interested in a book about overcoming severe health problems than he was in one dealing with how the government is violating your right to really good sunscreen?
No, it's because the ex- boyfriend is a liberal, and the media is liberal -- and "those people" always stick together!
My wife's ex became a regular on NPR and got on national shows, like "Fresh Air." He was on CNN with Larry King and Paula Zahn, and on PBS with Charlie Rose. He got four columns in the New York Times; my book was never mentioned.
I shouldn't complain. I have plenty of airtime of my own, and the conservatives were eager to talk. I got to discuss my ideas with dozens of talk radio hosts, and on Fox News Channel, where Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity have audiences CNN only dreams about. More people bought my book than my wife's ex's.
But where was the "open debate" the liberals like to praise?
Yeah! The media should be forced to give free publicity to our MC and his book, in the spirit of "open debate." And if they don't, it proves that they are anti-mustache bigots.
And even though our Mystery Contestant's wife said that he was WAY better in bed than her ex (although it's true that she often calls out the ex's name during sex), and even though our MC has lots of cool friends, makes lots of money, and has a much nicer mustache than the ex, it's still not right that our MC didn't get asked to be a regular on NPR.
In fact, this kind of prejudice against Libertarians who write crappy books is so unjust, that in order to make repairations to him, you should buy five copies of his book (even though it came out 18 months ago, so it's odd that he just finished a book tour for it "recently"). Because he's the real victim, not the ex-boyfriend who has suffered with multiple sclerosis for years (and is now legally blind), and then later developed colon cancer. No, our MC is the real victim, because he didn't get to do the Imus show.
Anyway, now is the moment of truth: you need to vote off TWO of our TownHall team members. Based on their talent numbers, which two do you think should be expelled from Wingnut Island: Dr. Mike, Brent, VBen, Pastor Doug, or our Mystery Contestant?
Call now: operators are standing by.
1:55:48 AM 
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