Ultimate Wingnut Challenge: Winnowing Out the Media Stars
The votes have been cast, the accountants have tallied them, and three of our Media Stars are going to leave us, never to be heard from again. Ever. So help us God, we never want to hear form them again.
Sure, they're really wingnutty and stuff, but this is the big league where the competition is fierce, the stakes are high, and being as crazy as an outhouse rat only gets you into the game.
So, although it breaks our heart, we have to say good-bye to Bill O'Reilly. While he's more than qualified to play the game, having a reputation as a wingnut's wingnut, his demonstration of something approaching evenhandedness and sanity in this round doomed his chances at staying on Wingnut Island. But as Bill takes that long, lonely walk down the Gangplank of Shame, let's play some clips of better times:
"If you start to put yourself in the other person's head, you lose. Look: when I go on The Factor every night and I debate people, do you think I care what they say? I don't care what they say. I'm looking for their weakness of their argument."
"And it would have been, you know, Clint Eastwood time. I would have had the serape, would have given my squint, and I would have put a bullet right between his head."
"You have a predominantly Christian nation. You have a federal holiday based on the philosopher Jesus. And you don't wanna hear about it? Come on, [caller] -- if you are really offended, you gotta go to Israel then."
"This weekend, some in the media stepped up to attack me. ... Somewhere Jesus is weeping."
"Shut up! Shut up! I hope your mother isn't watching this! ... Cut his mic."
Bill, we have a lovely parting gift, chosen especially for you by Anntichrist S. Coulter. Enjoy!
Underdog G. Gordon Liddy will also be leaving. Despite being more scary-crazy than funny-crazy, he was a real contender in this round, and he always showed a lot of heart. For instance, when we told him that Richard Nixon wanted David Brooks dead, Liddy ripped out Brooks' heart and showed it to us. You have to admire that kind of dedication. Or else find it really disturbing.
To learn more about G. Gordon, check out this short article: G. Gordon Liddy. While it contains many delightful andecdotes, I think I was most impressed with the story about how young G. caught, cooked, and ate a rat to get over his fear of rats.
But this story was interesting also:
In early 1972, Liddy presented Nixon's attorney general, John Mitchell, with an action plan called "Operation Gemstone." Gemstone laid out a $1 million budget for black ops activity against the president's political enemies, including covert schemes to manipulate Howard Hughes and Aristotle Onassis, and a proposal to kidnap dissidents who might protest at the Republican National Convention later that year.
So you can see why Liddy was sticking up for Karl Rove -- Rove is Liddy's secret lovechild
Oh, and I also learned that G. Gordon puts out an annual calendar featuring photos of scantily clad women holding guns: Stacked and Packed. After looking at it, I have a new appreciation for Doug Giles' advice to us women (advice he claimed was derived in part from his "don’t-mess-with-my-daughters-or-I’ll-kill-you brain"). I'm sure you recall the quotation I'm thinking of:
If I were you, my dear, I would take martial arts, learn how to use a knife, buy a gun and get a concealed weapons permit. I’m talking getting packed, stacked and ready to whack.
I should have known that Doug was a Liddy fan. Anyway, while it seems out of charcter for Doug to want his daughter to emulate those girls featured in the calendar, I can easily see him spending hours drooling over the photo of "Lisa" -- because that's a mighty sweet handgun she's fondling.
Surprisingly, we're also losing Sean Hannity. Sean is a full-fledged wingnut god, so we have to attribute his poor showing in this round to the fact that he just didn't put enough thought into his stupidity. (Hey, it's not easy being evil AND stupid 24/7 -- we can see why Sean would have occasional off days.)
And sure, Sean is grating, annoying, and obnoxious (although that wasn't enough to win him a place on the island), but he does have a human side too. As a special tribute to Sean, Alex Thrawn, his obsessed fan and unofficial biographer, will share some special Sean moments with us:
Sean was the youngest kid with three older sisters all sharing one bathroom. They would hog the bathroom on him endlessly and drive him insane. Occasionally he would have to relive himself in the bushes in the back yard behind the garage. Because of this he now always has his own bathroom in his homes.
He was such a nerd that he thought if he was on the air he could get girls to like him, but that didn't work either. Even though this was all he ever wanted, he was scared to death to be on the radio. His first day on the air he was sweating like a pig and thought he would have a panic attack. People instantly took a dislike to him and he couldn't understand why.
At the end of June 2003 weekend Sean moved 30 minutes closer to New York City, "for the last time" to shave time from his 75 minute daily commute. His previous house cost $500,000 and he paid $17,000 a year in taxes. He says his new house has even higher taxes! ... He says all the new neighbors are great, especially Ted next door who has taken Sean and his son out on his 50 ft boat, except for one who complained about the funniest thing and his wife forbids him to talk about.
Now, wasn't that nice? Doesn't it make you think that Sean may not be a total waste of skin?
Me neither.
Anyway, as our parting gift for Sean, we have this WASHINGTONIAN story:
Fox News Channel talkmeister Bill O’Reilly had to cancel his planned boat cruise, “Battle for American Values,” for lack of interest.
Now it seems the mighty ship that has been Fox News Channel might be springing a few leaks—and viewers. FNC’s heavy hitters—O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, and Shepard Smith—all dropped in the coveted 25-to-54 age demographic, according to ratings figures for June and the second quarter of 2005.
The O’Reilly Factor took a dive between last year’s second quarter and the same quarter this year; the host lost about a quarter of his viewers in the age range that advertisers crave. Last year he had 640,000 viewers in the 25-to-54 demographic; the number dropped to 468,000 this April, May, and June. Comparing June 2004 to June 2005, he dropped from 645,000 to 511,000.
Sean Hannity in the 9 pm time slot also lost among these viewers. He dropped 20 percent of his 25-to-54 audience in June and 24 percent through the quarter when compared with 2004.
But the biggest loser was Shepard Smith at 7 pm. Comparing the two Junes, Smith’s 25-to-54 viewers went from 514,000 to 348,000. His second-quarter numbers were not so dire, a drop of 29 percent.
[...]
Paul Schur, Fox News’s PR man in Washington, said he would not comment on ratings, especially those in the key demographic.
“Call CNN,” said the testy Schur. “I’m sure they would be happy to discuss their horrific ratings in June.”
[...]
The question remains: Why is the hot demographic losing interest in Fox? Could it be that Fox’s prime-time ratings rise and fall with President Bush’s numbers? As Americans become less enamored of the war in Iraq, perhaps they are less interested in Fox’s cheerleading.
Or could it be that a big chunk of the Fox viewers in that age demographic enlisted in the military to show their support for the President and war they claim to so admire?
No, of course it couldn't -- but Paul Schur, Fox News’s PR man, might want to try claiming that's the cause of the falling ratings for his network's manly stars. It's what Karl Rove would do.
Anyway, bye, Bill, G. Gordon, and Sean -- write if you get work. Sure, we didn't give you our address, but that doesn't mean we still can't be friends. And while break-ups are always hard, it wasn't you, it was us -- in that we hate you.
And so, after this first round, here's the Media Team roster, plus the number of votes they received from our judges:
Captain Ann Coulter (46)
Lt. Rush Limbaugh (44)
Private Michelle Malkin (32)
Join us tomorrow as another wingnut team takes the Ultimate Wingnut Challenge, and loses at least one of its members (maybe an arm or a leg, or possibly a more, um, private body part).
7:12:56 AM 
|
