Sunday Cinema
This week we have another selection from the Subliminal Cinema chapter "Sex, Lies, and Direct-to-Videotape," which deals with erotic thrillers. Our movie will be Body of Evidence. Last week we asked you to imagine Ben Shapiro playing the part of the leading man in Body Chemistry; this week, we suggest that you do it again -- it will make the scene with the candle wax much more entertaining.
And speaking of Ben Shapiro and Madonna, here's part of Ben's FrontPage Magazine interview from last month:
I call Madonna a "disgusting human being" because I’m really not sure how else to put it. She has exploited her body and her sexuality for money – just view her pornography book, the creatively titled "Sex";
Yes, just view her pornography book -- as no doubt Ben has many times. You know, while doing research for his pornograpy book. ( BTW, Brad at Sadly, No! says he'll have a review of the first part of Ben's book up later today. It promises to be amusing.)
she has taught millions of young girls that true femininity is about being sexually aggressive and promiscuous; she despises traditional morality and all that it stands for. I think her Britney Spears/Christina Aguilera lesbian threesome on the MTV Music Awards a couple years ago really tells you everything you need to know about her.
It sounds like Ben hates Madonna because she scored with two women (and on live TV, no less), while Ben can't even manage to get one.
Anyway, imagine Ben playing the Willem Dafoe role while you read this movie summary. It will annoy Ben no end.
P.S. After stating that it's ironic that Madonna and other women "willing to cater to the basest of male desires" are held up as role models by "radical feminists," Ben says,"The most recent manifestation of the radical feminist ideal can be seen by watching 'Sex and the City.' The show is insanely popular (now in syndication with TBS), and revolves around the promiscuous sex lives of four single women in New York."
What is really ironic is that Ben is a "huge fan" of Ann Coulter. As you may recall, Ann once said, "Let's say I go out every night, I meet a guy and have sex with him. Good for me. I'm not married." That sounds pretty much like the "Sex and the City" credo to me.
Anyway, on to our movie: Body of Evidence, starring Madonna and Ben Shapiro.
BODY OF EVIDENCE (1993)
Directed by Ulrich Edel
Written by Brad Mirman
Tagline: "This is the murder weapon. Her name is Rebecca."
As our picture begins, it's raining. This is so we'll know we're watching a film noir, and not just a tawdry excuse to see William Dafoe's chest develop a dull waxy build-up of candle-drippings. But let's be honest–when the sexiest part of your leading man's performance is his impersonation of a Chianti bottle, your erotic thriller may be in trouble.
Anyway, elderly millionaire Andrew Marsh has died of heart failure, and the police quickly deduce from the tagline that Marsh’s girlfriend Rebecca (Madonna) killed him with her BODY! And when the police learn that Marsh left her $8 million, she is on trial for murder. Madonna hires shyster Willem Dafoe to defend her because she saw him in that Scorsese movie and figured he was easily tempted.
Presiding over the trial is Black Judge Judy, who hates everybody but reserves her special contempt for the audience. Well, we do have it coming.
D.A. Joe Mantegna declares that Madonna "is the murder weapon itself." He compares her to a knife or a gun. Clearly, stricter Madonna control legislation is needed. The NRA counters that "If you outlaw Madonnas, only outlaws will have mediocre pop stars."
At a billable dinner, Madonna relates a suggestive story about getting scratched on the thighs while stealing strawberries as a child. This strikes a chord with Willem, who realizes he has solved The Caine Mutiny mystery. They rip off each other's clothes, then she takes a candle and drips hot wax on his chest. Willem whimpers. Then she heads south with the molten paraffin, while Willem whines. And we see that Madonna, slut though she may be, is actually furthering the feminist agenda, since it's about time that a man had to experience a bikini wax. Meanwhile, Willem wails.
Back in court, the prosecution calls to the stand Jürgen Prochnow, Marsh’s former doctor. He testifies that he and Madonna used to be lovers, and that he had told her that the old guy would die if he ever had wild sex with a self-promoting exhibitionist. But Willem brings in surprise evidence indicating that Jürgen was in Dune! The plot congeals!
Since he didn’t screw up in court that day, Madonna gives Willem a hand job in a crowded elevator. The other lawyers and the Japanese tourists finally get off (ha ha), leaving Madonna and Willem free to engage in really public sex in the parking garage. Madonna climbs on Willem’s car and the camera shoots from between her legs, revealing (purely by chance) her black garter belt. She smashes the overheard light, then hangs from the pipes and wraps her legs around Willem’s head. She looks like Olga Korbut in heat
Madonna tells Willem that the jury hates her (a lucky guess on her part). She adds that the women thinks she’s a whore and the men think she’s a bitch (another lucky guess). So, she has to testify, to explain that it wasn’t her idea to be in this movie, it was Sandra Bernhardt's. Her plan works, as the jury reasons that if the defendant was bi, she doesn’t have to die. She goes free.
So justice has triumphed, right? Not really, for when Willem arrives at Maddona’s to present his bill and see if she has any more candles, he finds Jürgen there, discussing how they killed Marsh. Willem bitterly announces that he would have defended Madonna even if she hadn’t, um, boinked him. Jürgen is surprised to learn that Madonna isn’t like a virgin. She says (not an exact quote), "Don't look so hurt, Jürgen. I boinked you, I boinked Marsh, I boinked Willem. That's what I do: I boink. And it made me 8 million dollars!" And that was just in tips!
Madonna wraps up the loose ends for the hard of thinking, explaining that she and Jürgen were in it together from the beginning. Unlikely as it seems, Willem was played for a fool! She adds that now that she has her money, both men are history.
Jürgen is miffed and tries to kill Madonna. She and Jürgen fight over the gun, and she gets shot. Then Jürgen and Willem get to roughhousing and Jürgen falls over a railing and dies. While Willem tenderly ministers to Madonna, Jürgen comes back to life, shoots her again, and re-dies. D.A. Joe Montegna arrives to deliver the moral of the piece: "People usually get what they deserve."
Thanks, Joe. Nifty coda. So remember kids, no matter what, murder will out. The truth MUST be spoken! The world MUST be told! Keep watching the sluts!
**********
So, Body of Evidence: a cautionary tale about the dangers of sleeping with Madonna, and also a indictment of a criminal justice system that allows attorneys to engage in acrobatic S&M in courthouse parking garages.
But what would this movie have been like if, instead of Willem Dafoe, Madonna had engaged Perry Mason to represent her?
Well, obviously Perry wouldn’t have slept with his client—he’s too principled for that. And too gay. And he damned well wouldn’t have let D.A. Hamilton Burger deliver the coda!
And if Mason had defended her, Madonna would have been innocent, no matter how damning the evidence, and no matter now many peoples she boinked. We think the climatic courtroom scene would have gone a little something like this:
D.A. Burger : So, not only is the defendant guilty of murdering an innocent dirty, old millionaire for his money, but she herself was the murder weapon. For proof, we offer into evidence the movie’s tagline. The prosecution rests its case.
Mason: Your honor, while it may appear that my client killed Mr. Marsh by forcing him to have kinky sex with her until he died of Viagra poisoning, I submit that the real killer was . . . Willem Dafoe! He seemed to have nothing to do with this crime. Nobody suspected him. Therefore, he’s clearly guilty! If the police had conducted even a rudimentary record check they would have found that Dafoe was the nefarious boat-crashing Giger in Speed 2, the depraved scientist/nutjob Green Goblin in Spiderman, and the English supervillain T.S. Eliot in Tom & Viv. He killed Marsh to solidify his reputation for evil, in order to land the villain role in the new Bond movie. Plus, Marsh killed his father or something.
Willem: Yes, I did it! I did it and I’m glad! I also committed those ice pick murders Sharon Stone got blamed for. I really did it to open the way for my fellow male actors (who are always unfairly stereotyped as dupes and patsies in these films), to play the sexy femme fatale roles! But I would like to be the new Bond villain, yes.
Burger: Your honor, I object! Speed 2 was not made until four years from now, and T.S. Eliot was American!
Judge: I refuse to rule on your motion because maybe I am the murderer. Nobody ever suspects us plump black woman. Hey, we can be treacherous, erotic killers too, you know!
Mason: Then my client is free to go.
Burger: Not so fast! She still has to answer those Swept Away war crimes charges!
Mason: Oh . . .right. Say, Hamilton, why don’t you just boink her and we can call the whole thing even?
Cut to a shot of the lonely, hardworking Burger lying dead in a parking garage, bludgeoned by a SUV owner who didn’t appreciate the D.A. having gymnastic sex on his vehicle. A discarded newspaper beside his body proclaims "Willem Dafoe, Psycho Killer, to be New Bond Villain." Meanwhile, a TV in the attendant’s booth shows Madonna making additional millions with her Gap commercials and children’s book. Mason strolls in to proclaim, "People usually get what they deserve. Except in real film noir." The End.
Or is it? Maybe Perry Mason was the real killer, like O.J. Simpson always maintained. And that leads to the chilling question: what if Bruce Willis was a psychiatrist who lost his red, and he met up with a mysterious nympho who lost her panties? Lost them in a MURDER! For the answer, turn to our next film, Color of Night. It also features nude frying.
4:17:54 AM 
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