Dr. Laura: The One Woman Show
Yes, it's true -- Laura Schlessinger will star in her own theatrical production. WorldNetDaily has the story:
Radio host Dr. Laura Schlessinger will make her stage debut in a one-woman show in southern California.
The Lobero Theatre in Santa Barbara hosts "Dr. Laura: In My Never To Be Humble Opinion," Aug. 19 and 20.
Engagements in northern California and Texas are planned for later this year.
And then, BROADWAY!
Directed by Marie Masters, the performance "will provide an intimate look into her mind and character, revealing personal secrets that she has never before shared with the public."
An "intimate look into her mind and character" -- so, it's a horror production.
The play's promoter calls Act One "a tour-de-force performance piece that mixes humor with true-life stories plus current events pulled from the top stories of the day.
"Dr. Laura will share her opinions on everything from childbirth to death and all things in between including her own childhood, revealing a new side of her quick-witted, hilarious and frighteningly insightful mind."
In Act Two, she "will take pre-submitted questions from that night's audience and, in distinctive Dr. Laura style, mete out advice at the speed of light as she does every day on her radio program."
I see this performance piece going a little something like this:
"Welcome, everyone. I'm Dr. Laura --and you're not. But seriously, I'm glad to see so many people in the audience, since most of you look like you're screwing up your lives, and could use some plain-spoken wisdom about what terrible people you are. Like you, missy: I don't see a wedding ring on your finger, and yet you're sleeping with that man. Are you proud to serve as his unpaid whore? Don't you have a speck of decency, you little tramp? No, don't cry; take some responsibility for your actions instead of blubbering. And don't try to justify your arrangment by saying you're not sleeping with him -- and don't think we buy your claim that claim that you're a nun, he's your brother, and he brought you to this event as a birthday treat. No, either marry him, or face the fact that you're no better than a $5 crack whore.
"But we'll get back to helping people in the audience a little later. Now, I'm going to tell you what you should think about current events.
"There's been a lot of talk recently about Karl Rove and Scooter Libby leaking the name of CIA officer Valerie Plame to the media. Valerie Plame is actually the wife of Joseph Wilson, and as a married woman with children, she had no business working at the CIA -- or anywhere else. But because she thought she knew better than the Founding Mothers, who, by the way, didn't see the need to get their own jobs with the Continental Congress, the government was obligated to conduct an investigation that has cost us millions, and which could wreck the careers of two hardworking men who have families to support. All due to one woman's irresponsible need to have her own career.
"Mrs. Wilson selfishly worried about weapons of mass destruction instead of worrying about her husband's proper care and feeding, and look where it ended up: with this country in an uproar, and with clouds over the futures of two good men. Oh, and with Judy Miller in jail -- but since she doesn't have a husband or children as far as I know, and isn't a man, I have no problem with that.
"But I do have some problems with Mrs. Wilson. Not only did she work outside the home, but she also tried to demean her husband by getting him a lowly unpaid, unclassified assignment, while she kept the paid job with the Top Secret clearance and the nice office. Ladies, this is about the worst thing you can do to a man: have a better job than he does. It's not surprising that he had an affair while in Niger, if he indeed did.
"And what about her poor, innocent children? Did she send them on an assignment to Africa too, so she could have more free time to pursue her own selfish pleasures? Did she sell them to Sadam in exchange for tips about WNDs? If not, I bet she makes them attend public school, the bitch.
"So, this is another fine mess the so-called liberation of women has gotten us into. Some have said that Karl Rove should be given a medal for his fine work in publicizing Mrs. Plame's self-indulgant behavior, and that the media should be shot for discussing the affairs of their betters. Well, I say that George Bush should be given a medal, because it's hard work being President, and that Mrs. Wilson should be shot. She should be shot for not keeping her husband happy -- because a happy man never would have written that nasty column for the New York Times.
"Now, I'd like to share with you my opinions on everything from childbirth to death and all things in between including my own childhood. Well, childbirth hurts, but ladies, that's no excuse to act like such a baby about it. Let the baby be the baby! And try to think of your husband's feelings, and make sure you look nice during the delivery. He works hard all day, and if he has the decency to use his precious free time to be present while you give birth, the last thing he deserves is to to see you all sweaty and rumpled, and with icky fluids coming out of you. This is no time to let yourself go. And maybe you should think of having a Brazilian bikini wax before you head for the hospital -- if that area is going to be the focus of everyone's attention, the least you can do it make it look as nice as possible.
"And as for death: well, as an Orthodox Jewish Evangelical Christian, I believe that we all die, and then you may or may not spend eternity in hell -- but if you do, you only have yourself to blame, so there better not be any weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth!. And most people will be going to hell. You, young lady, earned your spot there by wearing that crop-top blouse and presenting yourself as a slut. And you, ma'am, earned yours by remarrying while you still had children at home. And you, sir, are going to hell for being gay (oh, don't deny it -- we can hear you swish from here). So, you're all going to burn in a lake of fire for screwing up your lives: deal with it! But as for me, as the most moral person in America, I'm sure I will be at God's right hand, giving Him advice on the Ten Ways He Screwed Up the Universe, and tips on how He could do things a little better.
"And speaking of childhood, mine was dysfunctional. I came from a mixed marriage. My father was a non-religious Jew, and my mother was ... well, she was difficult person. Hell, let me be blunt: she was a hateful bitch who never loved me. So, she has to take responsiblity for her solitary death, and the fact that her corpse wasn't discovered for months. She made her bed: now let her rot in it!
"Now, I'm going to take a break, because I earned one -- you have just been sitting in your seats, so you don't deserve a break, you slackers! Clean the theater while I'm gone, and maybe you can have a break later, but only if you do a good job. And when I come back, we'll precede to our second act, where I answer your pre-selected questions. Well, actually most of your questions sucked, so I pre-pre-selected some better ones, and we'll be going with those. And for the 12 of you who asked about the nude photos: you're all horrible people who don't deserve to live, and God hates you.
"Thank you."
Now, back to WND:
Asked about her stage debut, Schlessinger said, "I've listened to my callers' secrets for 30 years. Now it's my turn.
"It's my turn to exploit those secrets to fulfill my own dreams of an acting career. Now, some might think that this violates some kind of doctor-patient code of confidentiality or something, but since I just have a Ph.D. in physiology, there is no code, suckers!"
"There's a lot that people don't know about me, and I look forward to surprising my fans, my friends – myself, too."
"Will I show up drunk, and pick fights with the audience? You'll find out when I do."
Marie Masters has portrayed the town drunk "Dr. Susan Stewart" on CBS-TV's daytime drama, "As the World Turns" since 1968.
Hey, sounds like the ideal background to direct this production.
And here's some more info about it from Dr. Laura's site:
Ticket prices are:
Section A: $62.50
Section B: $47.50
Patron: $102.50 (preferred seating includes an after performance reception with Dr. Laura)
I know that if I lived in the Santa Barbara area, had an extra $102.50 to waste, and was a masochist, I would so be there!
P.S. ChronWatch columnist Burt Prelutsky has a few additional things to say about Laura's show, and he says them in "Dr. Laura, Heal Thyself".
Back in March, I received an e-mail from a stranger. He identified himself as Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s producer. He explained that they were planning for her to do a one-woman stage show. Although the second act would consist entirely of Dr. Laura’s answering written questions from the audience, they wanted a funny script for the opening act. Would I be interested in having a meeting?
Anyway, Burt goes to the meeting, has dinner with Dr. Laura, and gets the job. They agree on the basic format, and he goes home and starts writing. He emails Dr. Laura the material as he completes it, making whatever changes she requests. He works this way for a few months.
The first glitch occurred when I was mailed the deal memo. That was when I discovered that Dr. Laura was demanding the primary writing credit, even though she wasn’t going to do any of the writing. I told the producer that I was willing to wager that the lady I listened to on the radio would give short shrift to anyone whose ego was so needy that she’d insist on grabbing credit for work she hadn’t performed. He laughed. “Good point,” he said. Laughter over, he added that she insisted on the credit.
The next glitch occurs after Laura hires the town drunk from "Days of Our Lives" "As the World Turns" to direct, in that Burt doesn't hear from either of them. It turns out that the director discovered that, "Dr. Laura couldn’t memorize lines, no matter how brilliant they were, and was in a panic." So, they change the plan, and now the first act will just be Dr. Laura talking off the top of her head. Eventually the producer lets Burt know that he's been made redundant. Burt is miffed that Dr. Laura, queen of "taking responsibility," delegates this task to somebody else.
In retrospect, I liked dinner, I liked Dr. Laura’s house, her cars, and her producer. But I could only marvel at the chutzpah, the gall, of someone who spends three hours a day dispensing advice to people, telling them how they should behave, who signs off each and every hour with her signature, “Now go and do the right thing,” and who then behaves so boorishly in her own private life.
Hey, that's show biz, Burt. And it reminds us of that Aesop fable about the Scorpion. But it is a good story, and we thank you for sharing it with us, and we wish you well in your future endeavors.
(Some advice to Dr. Laura: while it is traditional to screw the writer, you should realize that they have ways of taking their petty revenge against you. Next time, have him killed.)
2:04:09 AM 
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