Sunday Cinema
Today we conclude our Subliminal Cinema study of the rise and fall of the erotic thriller. Our movie selection will be Color of Night, a cautionary tale concerning the dangers posed by hot, young, killer nymphos.
Since it stars Bruce Willis, I thought we should do a Google News search, and find out all the latest Bruce news. Here are the top stories:
Movie Patron's Nose Bitten Off Following Disagreement Over Willis Film
SYDNEY, Australia — A movie fan had his nose bitten off outside an Australian cinema in an argument over the quality of the violent new Bruce Willis movie “Sin City,” police said.
[...]
“There’s been an argument, apparently over how good the movie was, and then an altercation,” Lindsay said.
Hey, it's cool if you liked Color of Night -- please don't bite off our nose. (Okay, it could have been the guy who hated Sin City who was the biter; the news story doesn't make this clear. But the key thing to remember is that Bruce Willis movies are one of the world's leading causes of nose biting incidents.)
Bruce Willis to play Nick Fury
Marvel Comics boss Avi Arad has confirmed Bruce Willis is in negotiations to play comic book super-agent Nick Fury in a new movie adaptation.
Arad hopes to turn the heroic character into an American James Bond with a long-running film franchise headed up by the Sixth Sense hardman.
He tells website Chud.com, "There's no American James Bond. James Bond is an incredible franchise based on what a British 007 would be, but you don't have a franchise based on what an American guy would be with the same job, belief, everything."
It might go something like this:
Nick: The name is Fury. Nick Fury. I'm American, so I don't have a licence to kill, but I do have a license to ship you to another country where they can kill you. Oh, and I do have this document written by Alberto Gonzales that allows me to torture.
Osama bin Laden: Do you expect me to talk?
Nick: No, Mr. bin Laden. We expect you to die!
Osama: Really? I thought your President said that he truly wasn't that concerned about me.
Nick: Well, um, everybody has to die sometime. We expect that eventually it will happen to you. Now, go away, you silly man, and let me get back to killing the insurgants responsible for 9/11.
But back to the Nick Fury news.
It won't be the first time the character has appeared on screen - David Hasselhoff appeared as Fury in a 1998 movie flop.
Ah, yes, that would be the made-for-TV movie Nick Fury: Agent of Shield. I saw that. It was almost as good as Color of Night in its outright silliness, but featured many fewer scenes featuring a nude Jane March. (In case you're curious, here's the TV Guide ad for it.) Personally, I don't see how Willis could ever compete with Hasselhoff's version of the role.
Anyway, since Color of Night is about a psychiatrist, I did a search for stories about psychiatry -- and thereby learned a couple of interesting facts from this Salon piece:
In a 1969 article, "Today's Terrorism," published in a Scientology journal, Hubbard claimed that "the psychiatrist and his front groups operate straight out of the terrorist textbooks. The Mafia looks like a convention of Sunday school teachers compared to these terrorist groups." The psychiatrist, Hubbard went on, "kidnaps, tortures and murders without any slightest police interference or action by western security forces." Later, Hubbard wrote that, in society, "there's only one remedy for crime -- get rid of the psychs! They are causing it!"
So, psychiatrists are the real terrorist (and they are also responsible for organized crime in this country). That certainly would explain why somebody is trying to kill Bruce Willis's character in Color of Night. (It would also explain why our War on Terror isn't going all that well: the calls are coming from inside our heads!)
Anyway, it's now time for our feature presentation. Please refrain from talking during the movie. And throw your empty popcorn cups and Goobers boxes in in the trash cans, you slobs.
COLOR OF NIGHT (1994)
Directed by Richard Rush
Written by Matthew Chapman, Billy Ray, and Richard Rush.
An agitated patient tells shrink Bruce Willis that she hopes his "cock shrivels up," thus introducing the main theme of the movie: Willis’s willie. She is so upset by Bruce’s penis that she jumps through the window and plummets 200 stories to her death. Through a clear panel in the sidewalk we watch her blood pool artistically. When the blood turns gray we realize that Dr. Bruce has been stricken with hysterical color blindness! He has lost his red!
Bruce is all broken up about causing the death of a patient with a litigious family, so he slinks off to L.A. to stay with fellow psychologist Scott Bakula. Scott introduces Bruce to his therapy group, which consists of sexaholic Lesley Ann Warren, dorky Brad Dourif, dour Lance Henriksen, masochistic artist Casey, and big-eyed, bucktoothed, effeminate Richie.
On the drive home, Dr. Bruce diagnoses the members of the group, based on his five minutes of contact with them. Dr. Scott gets chills from Bruce's uncanny insight, but Bruce modestly claims that he was "born with it, like a psychic tuning fork." Scott confides that he has been getting death threats, and he thinks they are coming from inside the group! He hopes Dr. Bruce, the Amazing Kreskin of the A. P. A., can help him pick out the genuine nut job from the people who just need lots of expensive therapy.
Sadly, Bruce’s metaphysical flatware failed to tell him that a killer really is after Dr. Scott. After the next session we hear high-pitched giggling as a figure dressed in black leather stabs Scott repeatedly. Yes, Scott has been killed by Olivia Newton-John from Grease!
The following day, the sexist, racist, and obnoxious Detective Hector Martinez, the most likable character in the movie, questions Bruce, asking whom he thinks killed Dr. Scott. Bruce declines to answer due to doctor-patient confidentiality, which he likens to "the Miranda Oath" (you know, the vow cops take to never recite lines from The Tempest to suspects). Hector says that if his friend had been murdered, he would perform anal sex on Miranda. Not that it would help, of course, but I guess that it would take his mind off his grief.
Bruce is on his way to break the news about Dr. Scott to the group when his car is rear-ended by Jane March, a big-eyed, bucktoothed lass. She says her name is Rose. (Rose! Get it? It's a color in the red spectrum!) Rose begs Bruce to not report the accident. She refuses to give him her last name, address, or phone number--which might make a lesser man suspect her reliability, but since Bruce's amazing "tuning fork" indicates she doesn't wear panties, he agrees to let her "make it up to him."
The group invites Bruce to be their new therapist (notwithstanding how he killed his last patient, and can't see red, and is crazy and everything). When Bruce tells Hector he is taking over the group, Hector expresses concern for Bruce's dick, which he predicts will get chewed off if Bruce keeps sticking it in with barracuda. Bruce accuses Hector of wanting him. Clearly Bruce's dick is quite the coquette.
Bruce goes home to gaze moodily at the swimming pool. Rose appears, wearing a bright red dress. She kisses him, they fall into the pool, and her dress just kinda dissolves (due to high chlorine levels) to reveal a decided lack of underwear. Bruce's clothing also melts (except for his socks and shoes). As they squirm and flop in the water, you can see Bruce in all his splendor (at least in the unrated version of the film). Um, for a movie designed around a penis, it isn't really all you might have dreamed of.
Rose cooks dinner in the nude (gaining an unfair advantage over the other contestants on "Iron Chef"), and then she and Bruce take a shower. We see that Rose has a rose tattoo on her butt. We also see that Bruce's butt is pallid and rather repellent (one of these butt things is a plot point, so pay attention)!
Bruce decides to visit Leslie Anne, who has just returned from a shopping trip with her friend Bonnie. Bonnie has big eyes, buckteeth, and wears a red wig--but doesn't wear underpants (apparently L.A. was suffering from a major underwear shortage back in '94--some rock groups should have done a benefit or something). Bonnie seems vaguely familiar . . .
Bruce continues his house call program by visiting Casey's studio. He steps in something gray on the floor, then looks up to see Casey's body strung from the ceiling, his blood pooling on the floor. Bruce looks sick, thinking that his damned color blindness has caused him to ruin a perfectly good pair of shoes!
Meanwhile, Leslie Anne and Bonnie are titillating the audience with their naughty lesbian antics. Bonnie pops out of her clothes, and a close-up of Bonnie's butt reveals . . . a rose tattoo! What could this mean???
When Bruce gets home that night he finds Rose in the kitchen, cooking up a storm while wearing only a frilly apron. Clearly this girl has a thing for nude food preparation--her secret life probably involves working as a fry cook at TGI Naked.
At the next therapy session, Bruce finds Dr. Scott's hidden journal. Bruce reads Scott's last entry, which says that he was right about somebody in the group posing a threat to his life, since he's now dead and all. Bruce also finds a nude photo of Rose with a note on the back rating her as "Pretty hot for a sociopath." Bruce passes the photo around, since sharing is what group therapy is all about. It turns out that Rose (or Bonnie, as they knew her) was sleeping with each of them! What are the odds of that?
Bruce deduces that Richie, the only one who didn't sleep with Rose, is the key to the mystery. Bruce takes off Riche's glasses and wig, and . . . he's Rose! She tells him that when her little brother Richie died, their older brother Dale started calling her "Richie" and this caused her to develop multiple personality disorder. When the therapy group became her family, she created "Bonnie," a personality who could strengthen those familial ties through sex. Then she met Bruce, and was free to be Rose again, thanks to his amazing penis!
Alas, before there is time for more cuisine au natural, real sociopath Dale comes after Bruce and Rose with his nail gun! It all ends in homage to Vertigo, with Rose frantically climbing a spiral staircase in a storm. Bruce follows her onto the roof. They fall off several times, but catch each other before hitting the ground. This continues until Bruce can finally see red again, and so they live happily ever after, in perfect mental health. The End.
********************
So, Color of Night: probably the best movie ever made about the tragic disability of hysterical colorblindness. As you may recall, Bruce Willis was asked to host the telethon for the affliction, but he had to decline since he was already heavily involved in the "Men With Bad Toupees and Mediocre Wieners" charity.
But besides being a disease-of-the-week nudie flick, this movie also offers lots of valuable information to you, the credulous viewer. First, it provides actual psychological information, such as the fact that if you repeatedly call somebody by the wrong name, you will cause him or her to develop multiple personality disorder. So, it will be all your fault when that nondescript guy in the office whom you’ve been calling "Bob" takes to speaking with an English accent and asking to be addressed as "Miss Nancy." Also, this movie teaches us that neurotics are really unobservant, and can easily be fooled by Jane March wearing a wig and glasses. Of course, psychiatrists are no better . . .at least, that’s what they’ll claim when investigated by the medical board for sleeping with their patients. ("How was I to know she was that teen I’ve been treating—she wore glasses, for God’s sake!")
Secondly, this film presents ideas for adding more carnality to your life. Such as: put clothes-dissolving chemicals in your swimming pool and invite sexy strangers over for a dip! If somebody hits your car, instead of swapping insurance info, exchange bodily fluids! And add excitement to boring tasks like cooking by doing them in the nude! Of course, this can result in grease burns in sensitive (and embarrassing) places, but if done carefully, it can make life more interesting for you and those around you—especially if you’re a lunch lady at the elementary school.
And thirdly, just as The Grapes of Wrath educated us about the Great Depression, Color of Night documents the Great Panty Drought of 1994. Thanks to this movie, you can understand what it must have been like to have been a Hollywood starlet back then, yearning desperately for underwear for yourself and your family, and having to go without. Yes, you can imagine that you are there: your nether parts freeze in the chilling Los Angeles breezes while you are forced to cook hamburgers in the buff, your heart heavy because there just aren’t enough silk scanties to go around. It makes you feel grateful to live in an age when President Bush’s campaign promise of a chicken in every pot and a pair of undies on every behind has been fulfilled!
While Color of Night teaches us all of these things (and more!), what it is really about is the danger of sex, since for all you know your partner suffers from multiple personality disorder and/or is a dangerous sociopath. Heavens, you could even be sleeping with somebody who thinks Ann Coulter makes sense! But there are resources available to help set your mind at rest. For example, this quiz from Cosmo: "Is Your Main Squeeze a Dangerous Loony?" We hope you will find it helpful.
1. When you show a naked picture of your boyfriend to your therapy group, they say:
a. "My lover also has Bill O’Reilly’s face tattooed on his hinder! As do Mindy’s, Julia’s, and Bob’s. Who knew that design was so popular?"
b. "You know, if you took off his glasses, he’d look just like my boyfriend, Superman."
c. "What a disappointing penis."
2. Your chick has shared everything with you but:
a. . Her name, address, phone number, and gig as TV’s "Stark Naked Gourmet."
b. Her gender.
c. The fact that her brother kills everybody that she sleeps with.
d. The fact that she’s actually dead.
3. When the people around you start dropping like flies, your honey is:
a. The number one suspect, having means, motive, opportunity, and buckteeth.
b. The number one suspect, since she’s spooky, secretive, and much too young and attractive to be dating you, if she were in her right mind.
c. The least likely suspect, since she doesn’t wear underwear.
4. Your guy claims to have:
a. A "psychic tuning fork" that allows him to instantly spot and diagnose the mental problems of others.
b. A "supernatural salad fork" that gets him free side dishes at Sizzler with the purchase of any meal.
c. A "metaphorical forked tongue" that permits him to tell you your pants don’t make you look fat, but later complain to his friends about your big butt.
5. Your lover kills people by:
a. Showing them his cock and driving them to jump out of windows.
b. All of the "Clue" methods (rope, lead pipe, revolver, staple gun).
c. Making bad movies and thereby stealing a few hours of life from everyone who sees them.
If you answered even one of these questions, stop sleeping with your partner immediately! For, as this movie has taught us, people are weird and twisted, and often have crazy relatives. No, you’re better off alone and unloved—at least that way, you will be safe from Bruce Willis’s penis.
+++++++++++++++++++++++
And that concludes our review of the genre thrillerum erotica. What can we learn from our study of these movies? First, that when sex scientists sleep with Glenn Close impersonators, it's always the lobsters who suffer. Secondly, that intercourse, rather than propagating life, only brings death. And thirdly, the root word of "erotic" is "rot."
And just why was this genre so popular just a few years ago? One theory is that it echoed society's fears of AIDS.
A good guess, but wrong.
Actually, the entire genre was part of a calculated eugenics program by former Nazi scientists. Using the powerful medium of the motion picture, they sought to associate sex with death in the public mind, and thereby persuade stupid people not to breed. (Or at least, not to breed with Madonna.) With sufficient aversion therapy, the genes that lead people to watch Madonna movies in the first place would eventually die out. The neo-Nazis were well on their way to perfecting their new breed of Reichkinder, when the project received a fatal blow in 1995: Showgirls. With its release, the genre swiftly imploded, and the whole "You Must Be At Least This Smart to Have Sex" project collapsed, making the world safe for those of us who like to spend Friday nights on the couch with a Tombstone pizza and a marathon of Stripped to Kill, Strip to Live, and Strip Search.
5:40:07 AM 
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