Ultimate Wingnut Challenge: No Longer International
Okay, I added up the votes, and then I doubled the votes of various poster, to include heydave (or somebody much like him), Bill S, Modern Major-General, Doghouse Riley, Signor Ferrari, CaliforniaDrySherry, Chris Vosburg, Tara, and The Dark Avenger. And yet, sadly, the Canadians will still be leaving Wingnut Island and returning to America (except for Rachel, who is still on parole).
David "Bobo" Brooks almost got made an honory Canadian and kicked out too, but then I read this Arizona Republic column recapping Bobo's latest piece about how America is becoming more moral, now that it no longer believes in stupid ideas. And I was happy to learn that:
For those of us who have spent several decades fretting about the state of our society, there is welcome relief from David Brooks, New York Times columnist.
And as somebody who has spent decades fretting about stuff, I was heartened at the promise of welcome relief from David Brooks. And how do we achieve that relief? The columnist doesn't say, but I'm guessing that it involves not subscribing to the NY Times.
But back to the Canadians, Sure, they aren't American, but they have their own wingnutty charm, and we think you are going to miss them. (Well, it's just a theory). And this dismissal will be especially hard on Rachel Marsden, who just got fired from the National Post. Let's just hope that all this rejection doesn't cause her to start stalking Pastor Swank.
Anyway, here's her announcement of her parting of the ways with the Post:
Dear Friends and Readers,
I just wanted to let you all know that, as of July 27th, 2005, I am no longer with the National Post newspaper. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a bad fit from day one. Given these developments, I'm in the process of looking for a new adventure, and am open to any opportunities or suggestions.
She's at loose ends. She's looking for "a new adventure." Be afraid. Be very afraid.
In the meantime, I'll be back to writing a column every two weeks, which you'll be able to read either on this website, or at Canada Free Press, or in the usual set of American publications.
Yes, thanks to Judi "The Mafia framed al Qaeda for 9/11" MacLeod and her Canada Free Press, and "the usual set of American publications" (i.e., Opinion Editorials, which is basically the poor man's Renew America), you can still read Rachel's work. But Rachel will never get the Ultimate Wingnut crown, and that has to make you feel a little sad for her. (Hey, if she sent you naked photos of herself, would consider letting her back in the contest?)
But for now, here are some highlights from her latest columns (which are the clearly much too good for a national newspaper like the Post).
First, there's "Khrushchev's Words Return to Haunt," which is about how China is going to bury us. However, despite the seriousness of the problem, Rachel find the Clenis to be much more of a threat:
Still, former U.S. President Bill Clinton was keen to lend them a helping hand--–whenever he could free one up from playing "hide the cigar" with Monica Lewinsky.
And here's part of her column from last week,"When Spinsanity Becomes Comedy," which is about how deranged liberal Jonathan Chait had the affrontery to criticize President Bush for devoting more time to exercise than to, say, reading the newspaper.
I suppose Chait longs for the good ol’ days of Bill Clinton, whose morning jogs consisted of making a round-trip to either mistress Jennifer Flowers’ place or the local McDonalds.
Are you starting to sense a theme?
And, just for kicks, let's take a look at her latest American column, "Pardon My Intolerance."
Islam is a religion of peace. Right—and Paris Hilton is a virgin.
[...]
Evidence suggests that Muhammad was like the Courtney Love of prophets. But at least he didn't French kiss Kathleen Willey or rape Juanita Broaddrick, so despite being evil, he wasn't the worst man who ever lived.
Okay, I wrote that last sentence, but Rachel came up with the ones about Paris Hilton and Courtney Love, proving that she's been taking lessons from not only Ann Coulter, but also Doug Giles.
And speaking of Doug Giles, he was the only one of our contestants to get no negative votes, so I guess that means he's the guy to beat in this thing. Therefore, here's a bonus bit o' Doug, taken from his latest column.
The following is a multiple-choice test. The events are cuts from history. Yes, they actually happened!
1. 1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by:
a. Superman
b. Jay Leno
c. Harry Potter
d. A Muslim man between the ages of 17 and 40.
This is a tricky one, so let's look at it together.
The answer can't be "a," because, as everyone knows, Superman doesn't own a gun. And it's probably not "b," because Jay Leno insists that he has an alibi for that day. And it's not "d " since Sirhan Sirhan, the man convicted of killing Kennedy, is a lifelong Roman Catholic. So, I guess this means that the answer is "Harry Potter." Harry presumably used that magic watch of Herminone's to go back in time, and shot Kennedy while wearing the cloak of invisibility. Harry then framed Sirhan, in order to help Doug make his case about why we should blame young Muslim males for everything bad that's happened in the last 30 years.
And now you know the REST of the story.
But back to our Canadians. We are also saying good-by to Mark Steyn, who is no Doug Giles, but who is frequently the less strident, less macho Ann Coulter. Here's a snippet from his recent column, "Democrats' new strategy: Almost winning."
Fortunately, the Dems have found a new line of attack to counter the evil election-stealing moron. A few days ago, the Democratic National Committee put out a press release attacking Bush for being physically fit. It seems his physical fitness comes at the expense of the nation's lardbutt youth. Or as the DNC put it:
"While President Bush has made physical fitness a personal priority, his cuts to education funding have forced schools to roll back physical education classes and his administration's efforts to undermine Title IX sports programs have threatened thousands of women's college sports programs."
Wow. I noticed my gal had put on a few pounds but I had no idea it was Bush's fault. That sonofabitch chicken hawk.
Per Mark's website, "He divides his time between Quebec, New Hampshire and London." So, to be fair, it's only 1/3 that sonofabitch chicken hawk's fault that Mark's daughter is getting chunky. The rest of the blame falls on Queen Elizabeth and Paul Martin -- neither of whom spends hours a day falling off bikes and clearing brush, as far as I know -- so it's not like they're really into physical fitness for anyone.
Sitting behind yet another Vermont granolamobile bearing the bumper sticker "Bush Scares Me," I found myself thinking that perhaps the easiest way to reduce childhood obesity in American families might just to be to shout out, "Look! There's big scary Bush! Run! Run for your lives! No, wait, there's John Bolton, too! Better cut through the park before he puts his hands on his hips in an aggressive manner!" Indeed, when yesterday's coming man John Edwards dusts off his "Two Americas" stump speech -- the one with the heartwarming Dickensian vignette about the shivering girl whose parents can't afford to buy her a winter coat ($9.99 brand new from Wal-Mart) -- he might want to add a section about how an easy way for shivering coatless girls to keep warm is to run around the block a couple of times.
I imagine that Mark has priced coats at Wal-Mart, and so knows that they are just $9.99 (he probably even bought one for his chubby daughter -- and if she complains about it not keeping out the cold, he orders her to run around the block until she warms up or gets thin).
And hey, Mark doesn't even have to pretend to have a solution for the funding cuts in Title IX sports, because his little butterball is never going to playing college sports. In fact, she's not even going to college. Working at Wal-Mart for $5.80 an hour is plenty good enough for her, or anybody else. And if she doesn't make enough to buy food and also pay the rent and utilities ... well, then she'll lose weight, won't she?
And that's why the Democrats are a bunch of losers: because they hold George Bush responsible for Mark Steyn's plump daughter.
Now, let's bid adieu to our final Canadian contestant, David Frum.
While David may actually be an American citizen now, his heart is still Canadian (which is one of the ways you can tell him apart from Adan Yoshida). His latest AEI column is about Canada's new goveror general and the reasons why she sucks (she's a woman, she speaks French, she's liberal). And this choice of topics proves that David just isn't assimilating properly -- after all, you don't see Adam writing about these kinds of things.
Anyway, here's a selection from it.
Whoever picked the new G-G gave one order: "Find me a non-white francophone woman!"--and so you have to wonder whether they did not similarly regard the accomplished Clarkson as nothing more than a non-white anglophone woman. The only pleasure we can take in the Michaelle Jean selection is to watch Canada's exquisitely correct reporters tripping over themselves to avoid reporting the most super-abundantly obvious truth.
[...]
From Vincent Massey to Jules Leger, Canada's governors-general epitomized the ideal of nonpartisan, non-ideological public service. That ideal is dead, dead, dead. Michaelle Jean's record of service to Canada may be short, but her identification with the leftward side of the ideological spectrum is strong. To choose her as the nation's de facto head of state is to announce that conservatives and westerners do not deserve to be represented, do not really count as Canadians.
I think that what David is saying is that the governor-general should be a white, male, anglophone, conservative, so that English-speaking white, male conservatives won't feel excluded by their government. To hell with everybody else!
It's long past time to find another way. Invite Prince Edward over from England and give him the job for a 20-year term.
Hey, I would feel totally represented by Prince Edward, so I vote for David's idea. Of course, not being Canadian, I don't actually get a vote -- but then, neither does David.
And that's it for Rachel, Mark, and David. We wish them much success with whatever it is that they do when not competing in our contest (writing books with titles that imply that they are American, being married to Danielle Crittenden, coming up with axises of stuff, stalking people, etc.)
Tune in next time for a high-stakes match between the Korner Kids and their arch-enemies, the Media Stars. It might be exciting!
1:21:24 AM 
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